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Old 12-21-2020, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by pizza67 View Post
Ok then...with those principles in mind, what would you do with a lengthy series of texts about how everyone in our family hates him and he is so lonely and I have no empathy and I’m just waiting out COVID to divorce him yada yada yada....

I could respond with kindness —>no I don’t want to reinforce this self-pity party
I could remind him this is a hell of his own creation—>release the kraken
I could ignore it—> it will probably follow me around and escalate

ive recommended he go to counseling many times and he blows it off and says he isn’t the issue.
Grey Rock his ass. I didn't know what it was at the time but I did it to my NMom and it worked like a charm. My dad was sick so I was trying to just get the information without all the drama.

Like this:
how everyone in our family hates him "No"

and he is so lonely and I have no empathy Don't respond to feelings or accusations

and I’m just waiting out COVID to divorce him yada yada yada.... "No" even if you are.

Or no response and if he asks you if you read it say ..umhum

In the grey rock method I think you're supposed to avoid eye contact and act busy then reply with boring things like yes or no.
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Old 12-22-2020, 05:51 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by pizza67 View Post
I could ignore it—> it will probably follow me around and escalate.
Don't bother buying the book - go to the library and borrow "The Gift of Fear." Horrible title, but a very useful book. Most of it is about getting comfortable with listening to your gut and getting out of bad situations. But a couple chapters are with dealing with unbalanced people who just won't leave you alone. It's been a long time but for example, someone who wants you to invest in his idea, and calls every day asking for money.

The advice is: don't answer the phone. Really simple, but not easy. Because if you answer on the tenth call and scream at him to leave you the ---- alone, Inventor now knows he has to call you ten times before you answer the phone. AND YOU ANSWERED, SO THAT COUNTS AS PROGRESS. The author even went so far as to write, if you can't do this, have someone else screen your calls.

You can decide to not respond. You can. It doesn't sound like you'll take that avenue, but the option is there.

Originally Posted by pizza67 View Post
I wish I had a response to shut him down when he starts with that.
And there is the fatal flaw: you can't control what HE does.

You can't 'shut him down,' but you CAN refuse to play his game.





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Old 12-22-2020, 10:53 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
Don't bother buying the book - go to the library and borrow "The Gift of Fear." Horrible title, but a very useful book. Most of it is about getting comfortable with listening to your gut and getting out of bad situations. But a couple chapters are with dealing with unbalanced people who just won't leave you alone. It's been a long time but for example, someone who wants you to invest in his idea, and calls every day asking for money.

The advice is: don't answer the phone. Really simple, but not easy. Because if you answer on the tenth call and scream at him to leave you the ---- alone, Inventor now knows he has to call you ten times before you answer the phone. AND YOU ANSWERED, SO THAT COUNTS AS PROGRESS. The author even went so far as to write, if you can't do this, have someone else screen your calls.

You can decide to not respond. You can. It doesn't sound like you'll take that avenue, but the option is there.



And there is the fatal flaw: you can't control what HE does.

You can't 'shut him down,' but you CAN refuse to play his game.
Yea I know about variable reinforcement. True. Also he tried to play games with me this morning, indirectly b*tching about me not wanting to get w him last night. I dropped the rope and calmly decided not to go on a walk w him that we had planned on, once he started the mind games this morning. ie: “I thought you might need a rAiNcHeCk, like you did last night”... “ I will take a raincheck...for the walk (said calmly and flatly)”. Pretty sure he was expecting J. A. D. E. and me running after him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The nerve that he’d think he can get to me like that still
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Old 12-22-2020, 02:38 PM
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Try not to indulge in the hee hees. It's awfully easy to get bogged down in that and gets us nowhere. Better to focus on what we want to foster in our lives.
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Old 12-22-2020, 09:25 PM
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Try not to indulge in the hee hees. It's awfully easy to get bogged down in that and gets us nowhere. Better to focus on what we want to foster in our lives.
okkkkkk....you said drop the rope so I dropped it....???
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Old 12-22-2020, 10:53 PM
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Originally Posted by pizza67 View Post
okkkkkk....you said drop the rope so I dropped it....???
That was me that said that and I think you did really well for your first time!

I think what FA was talking about was sex, I could be wrong there but that's the way I read it.

You know, you are a people pleaser (and in no way do I mean that in a negative way) but people can and some will take advantage of that. Your AH abuses both you and your children so you refuse to have sex with him or go for a walk with him.

But the next day you refuse sex but ok the walk. You know this relationship if far, far beyond any kind of "normal" or fixable relationship, right?

In no healthy relationship does the Husband text the wife to talk to her, let alone abuse her, while they are in the same house. None, zero.
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Old 12-23-2020, 12:54 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
That was me that said that and I think you did really well for your first time!

I think what FA was talking about was sex, I could be wrong there but that's the way I read it.

You know, you are a people pleaser (and in no way do I mean that in a negative way) but people can and some will take advantage of that. Your AH abuses both you and your children so you refuse to have sex with him or go for a walk with him.

But the next day you refuse sex but ok the walk. You know this relationship if far, far beyond any kind of "normal" or fixable relationship, right?

In no healthy relationship does the Husband text the wife to talk to her, let alone abuse her, while they are in the same house. None, zero.

Oh yeah! For sure this “marriage” is a shameful pile of crap, and I will never live down the hellish example my kids see. My eternal disgrace is that I tolerated this out of fear of losing my kids. I have told him that the texting is pathological, and they all blocked him. I often do as well. He’s ******* and I’m not anymore, hence my refusal to play games anymore. I realize you’ve been a straight shooter trailmix so I take your praise as a high compliment

Frankly I have to get over my pathetic fear of the narc tantrums and resumption of booze that will happen if he’s served. Can’t just immediately evict someone who is on the mortgage, without serious cause.

PS I just wanted the exercise, but I will walk my own butt tomorrow!
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Old 12-23-2020, 12:55 AM
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I also want to thank all of you for putting up with my perseveration and complaining, and for giving me good advice. Someday I will take it.
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Old 12-23-2020, 10:42 AM
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“Poor me”

So he literally just texted me this “:yesterday sucked. Today will be worse.” So you know, celebrating kids bday today. That’s what he has to say. Y’all want me to drop rope, I am ignoring the text. Hope he doesn’t ruin everything.
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Old 12-23-2020, 10:45 AM
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The power to make his days not suck lies entirely in his hands.
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Old 12-23-2020, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
The power to make his days not suck lies entirely in his hands.

yes you are correct. But he can’t accept responsibility for how much he hurt everyone. It’s all about his hurt feelings.
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Old 12-23-2020, 11:06 AM
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My God how sick and mean do you have to be

He just sent a lengthy text FROM UPSTAIRS to me and kid that concluded with telling kid ON HIS BIRTHDAY that he will someday be betrayed by everyone he loves. Thank God I think kid has him blocked. So. I can ignore this. Or I can tell him how cruel it is to send this to his child. Thoughts?
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Old 12-23-2020, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by pizza67 View Post
He just sent a lengthy text FROM UPSTAIRS to me and kid that concluded with telling kid ON HIS BIRTHDAY that he will someday be betrayed by everyone he loves. Thank God I think kid has him blocked. So. I can ignore this. Or I can tell him how cruel it is to send this to his child. Thoughts?
All he wants is for you to respond. That's it. That's his win scenario.

He doesn't care that this is cruel. He already knows it is cruel. If he cared, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.
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Old 12-23-2020, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
All he wants is for you to respond. That's it. That's his win scenario.

He doesn't care that this is cruel. He already knows it is cruel. If he cared, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

ok then. No response from me. I’m
blocking him. Thank you all for continuously
responding to me even with the play by play. Just asking so he wants a response because he’s a narcissist who wants attention? And to draw it away from his son?
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Old 12-23-2020, 11:13 AM
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Pizza, how goes the birthday party? Is your son having a good time? Does he like his presents? What treats are being served?
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Old 12-23-2020, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Pizza, how goes the birthday party? Is your son having a good time? Does he like his presents? What treats are being served?
haha I get it don’t focus on the AH. AH could stand for two things couldn’t it....

so far DS had a nice breakfast and wants to order lunch lol
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Old 12-23-2020, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by pizza67 View Post
haha I get it don’t focus on the AH. AH could stand for two things couldn’t it....

so far DS had a nice breakfast and wants to order lunch lol
They are always about the food, good for him and happy birthday!
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Old 12-23-2020, 03:22 PM
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My fiancé did this too and passed away last week. Call the pysc ward get him help.

I left and blocked mine and he ended up dead.

they say protect yourself and that’s the right thing to do because it’s insanity.

but so is what we all fear...
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Old 12-23-2020, 04:33 PM
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Originally Posted by J109 View Post
My fiancé did this too and passed away last week. Call the pysc ward get him help.

I left and blocked mine and he ended up dead.

they say protect yourself and that’s the right thing to do because it’s insanity.

but so is what we all fear...
ummmmm
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Old 12-24-2020, 05:06 PM
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Does this count

So, one of the ways he tries to keep me codependent and control me is to get me to be his proxy since no one listens to him at this point. I rarely agree with the stuff he wants me to do and they know it’s really coming from him anyhow.

He badgered me at dinner (ruining another meal) to invite adult kids to watch church. They’ve made it clear he soured them on that with his moralizing, and they don’t consider themselves members of this religion anymore, so I refused to do this. So he comes back with “so you’re refusing to invite your children to church?” Recognizing he might pull this out in court someday, I said “I’m refusing to push it on the adult children. DS is a minor and I will invite him as usual.” Then I walked away.
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