He's in a Sober House...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
He's in a Sober House...
Happy Monday to all 
I felt the need to post today and ask for insight. My situation is evolving and I think it's important to check-in and check my thoughts too!
My alcoholic fiancé is almost two months sober. After his third stay at rehab, he has been living in a Sober House for about a month and a half, and working a daily outpatient program. He's doing really well with the structure, fellowship, and accountability of the Sober House. In addition to his outpatient therapy, he's attending AA meetings daily and meeting his sponsor in person weekly for step work.
He and I see each other often as the Sober House is very close to my (our?) apartment. We go for walks, explore parks, spend time with his mom, have dinner, spend the day in the city etc...it's almost like we are dating again (after 3 years!)
We also recently started couples therapy.
I try to stay in the present - day by day - as to not get overwhelmed by the "what could happen" and I find it easier to trust him each day, which is a great feeling. I'm grateful that his recovery is going really well for now.
I'm doing well on my own. I stay busy with my job - 1st grade teacher - and I spend lots of time with my close friends. I also see my own therapist.
But the fact is, we miss living together and truly being together. Neither one of us has talked at all about what a time frame might look like for him coming home, but I need to be honest here and say that it's on my mind. On one hand, I certainly want him to live at the Sober House as long as possible. However, at the same time, I look forward to our life together again but of course don't want to push it.
Has anyone experienced this transition? What is a healthy way to decide when the time is right?
I felt the need to post today and ask for insight. My situation is evolving and I think it's important to check-in and check my thoughts too!
My alcoholic fiancé is almost two months sober. After his third stay at rehab, he has been living in a Sober House for about a month and a half, and working a daily outpatient program. He's doing really well with the structure, fellowship, and accountability of the Sober House. In addition to his outpatient therapy, he's attending AA meetings daily and meeting his sponsor in person weekly for step work.
He and I see each other often as the Sober House is very close to my (our?) apartment. We go for walks, explore parks, spend time with his mom, have dinner, spend the day in the city etc...it's almost like we are dating again (after 3 years!)
We also recently started couples therapy.
I try to stay in the present - day by day - as to not get overwhelmed by the "what could happen" and I find it easier to trust him each day, which is a great feeling. I'm grateful that his recovery is going really well for now.
I'm doing well on my own. I stay busy with my job - 1st grade teacher - and I spend lots of time with my close friends. I also see my own therapist.
But the fact is, we miss living together and truly being together. Neither one of us has talked at all about what a time frame might look like for him coming home, but I need to be honest here and say that it's on my mind. On one hand, I certainly want him to live at the Sober House as long as possible. However, at the same time, I look forward to our life together again but of course don't want to push it.
Has anyone experienced this transition? What is a healthy way to decide when the time is right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 22
I am too going through this now, my only advice is take your time- and that is the same advice shared with me by many others on this site who have helped me greatly. Acclimate as you both need and leverage sober living as a means to support him into a new reality. We are not yet through it, we may not make it, we may- I’m not sure, but I know I am giving it one last shot. What one wants and what one needs are two very different things- need should lead the way. Time (whether one likes it or not) is powerful such as long as the one in recovery is doing the next right thing. I think it’s better to have more time spent away sorting through things separately vs. trying to navigate a new normal way too quickly. Just my thoughts.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Strength----unfortunately, I have not been in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic. However, I have treated a lot of alcoholics and I qualify for being here due to a family member.
In addition, my husband and I owned a sober house for a while. We didn't run the house, but, we got to know the residents quite well. The average stay was between 6 and 18 months. Some more and some less.
The main thing that stands out to me from your last post is the short time lines. After going back and reading all of your previous threads--it seems to be a very short time since he was deeply out of control with his alcoholism. August? It is great that he is living in the sober house, I think---as he will surely benefit from the structure and support, as well as AA and sponsor.
It takes about 6 months for the brain fog to clear for most people---and, about a year to have a more clearly functioning brain. It takes much longer for most alcoholics who have gotten as far along in their condition as he seems to have been. It takes longer to change the alcoholic thinking.....then changing the alcoholic attitude....and, even longer to see signs of changed behaviors and way of living.
That is---if he continues to work a diligent program and incorporates the principles into his daily life. Depending on who you talk to---this can take 2-3-4--5 years. Every alcoholic is different---even though the disease is predictable.
Of course, you are enjoying the "dating" again---with him living separately in a structured environment. Dating IS fun---lol. for one thing, it is doing the fun stuff without so much of the drudgery of living with the responsibilities. Dating is different from living together. Right now---you don't have to worry so much about him drinking---or, fighting you natural tendency of the co-dependent urge to take care of him. The kinds of irritations and conflicts aren't a part of the relationship as long as you are living separately, and the sober house is doing the heavy lifting.
I will try to be delicate, here----could it be that the two of you are missing the freedom of the horizonal tango---any time you want? If so, I suggest that you spring for a a hotel room from time to time.
Just because you two are jonesing to live together again---understandable---but not more important than his sobriety and your peaceful and serene life.
Here is the sticky wicket-----there is nothing---nothing---that can bring ones issues bubbling to the surface as much as the dynamics of an intimate/romantic relationship. People can do well in other areas of their lives, yet still have to face personal conflicts once into a relationship. Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship and have to be navigated. ****However, for an alcoholic---the emotions of conflict are a Major trigger to drink. And, for the co-dependent type person to relapse also. That is one reason that it is so often recommended that newly recovering people are advised to not enter into intimate relatioships for a year, at least----and to avoid impulsively making major decisions during that time.
In addition, my husband and I owned a sober house for a while. We didn't run the house, but, we got to know the residents quite well. The average stay was between 6 and 18 months. Some more and some less.
The main thing that stands out to me from your last post is the short time lines. After going back and reading all of your previous threads--it seems to be a very short time since he was deeply out of control with his alcoholism. August? It is great that he is living in the sober house, I think---as he will surely benefit from the structure and support, as well as AA and sponsor.
It takes about 6 months for the brain fog to clear for most people---and, about a year to have a more clearly functioning brain. It takes much longer for most alcoholics who have gotten as far along in their condition as he seems to have been. It takes longer to change the alcoholic thinking.....then changing the alcoholic attitude....and, even longer to see signs of changed behaviors and way of living.
That is---if he continues to work a diligent program and incorporates the principles into his daily life. Depending on who you talk to---this can take 2-3-4--5 years. Every alcoholic is different---even though the disease is predictable.
Of course, you are enjoying the "dating" again---with him living separately in a structured environment. Dating IS fun---lol. for one thing, it is doing the fun stuff without so much of the drudgery of living with the responsibilities. Dating is different from living together. Right now---you don't have to worry so much about him drinking---or, fighting you natural tendency of the co-dependent urge to take care of him. The kinds of irritations and conflicts aren't a part of the relationship as long as you are living separately, and the sober house is doing the heavy lifting.
I will try to be delicate, here----could it be that the two of you are missing the freedom of the horizonal tango---any time you want? If so, I suggest that you spring for a a hotel room from time to time.
Just because you two are jonesing to live together again---understandable---but not more important than his sobriety and your peaceful and serene life.
Here is the sticky wicket-----there is nothing---nothing---that can bring ones issues bubbling to the surface as much as the dynamics of an intimate/romantic relationship. People can do well in other areas of their lives, yet still have to face personal conflicts once into a relationship. Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship and have to be navigated. ****However, for an alcoholic---the emotions of conflict are a Major trigger to drink. And, for the co-dependent type person to relapse also. That is one reason that it is so often recommended that newly recovering people are advised to not enter into intimate relatioships for a year, at least----and to avoid impulsively making major decisions during that time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Yes, dating is so much different that living in the same space. Especially when your Fiancé is currently at the sober house. Do you two ever go to your apartment and just sit and do normal stuff like, read or watch tv or browse the net? Take out the garbage and sweep the floor lol - you know, the boring stuff.
I can absolutely understand both of you wanting to live in the same place again, I guess my question would be, what's changed? In the weeks since he put the drink down, what has changed.
He has been living a life of drinking and lying about it (in short) and there was also extreme depression and suicidal ideation. I'm not a psychiatrist but if he has made huge inroads in to either of these issues in a few short weeks, that's pretty unusual I would think.
So I get that he wants to come home, that seems very normal and I get that you both want him home and to be together, that seems really normal too! What I'm wondering about is what the reasoning is. Is it the pain you probably both feel, being apart or is any of the decision based in sound science and advice from his counsellors and your therapist?
I can absolutely understand both of you wanting to live in the same place again, I guess my question would be, what's changed? In the weeks since he put the drink down, what has changed.
He has been living a life of drinking and lying about it (in short) and there was also extreme depression and suicidal ideation. I'm not a psychiatrist but if he has made huge inroads in to either of these issues in a few short weeks, that's pretty unusual I would think.
So I get that he wants to come home, that seems very normal and I get that you both want him home and to be together, that seems really normal too! What I'm wondering about is what the reasoning is. Is it the pain you probably both feel, being apart or is any of the decision based in sound science and advice from his counsellors and your therapist?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Strength28 
We also recently started couples therapy.
Originally Posted by dandylion
It takes about 6 months for the brain fog to clear for most people---and, about a year to have a more clearly functioning brain. It takes much longer for most alcoholics who have gotten as far along in their condition as he seems to have been. It takes longer to change the alcoholic thinking.....then changing the alcoholic attitude....and, even longer to see signs of changed behaviors and way of living. That is---if he continues to work a diligent program and incorporates the principles into his daily life. Depending on who you talk to---this can take 2-3-4--5 years. Every alcoholic is different---even though the disease is predictable.
Perhaps you might ask yourself why you're jumping into couple's therapy on top of everything else.
Are you in a program or therapy for yourself?
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Hi,
Two months sober (not long), three stays in a rehab, and a month and a half at a sober living house? I wouldn't suggest moving back in together at all. I think he should transition out to his own apartment first to get his legs under him as an independent sober adult. I think he needs to prove to himself that he can stay sober on his own without the help of house members. If you two are in it for the long-haul together, this shouldn't be a problem.
Right?
Two months sober (not long), three stays in a rehab, and a month and a half at a sober living house? I wouldn't suggest moving back in together at all. I think he should transition out to his own apartment first to get his legs under him as an independent sober adult. I think he needs to prove to himself that he can stay sober on his own without the help of house members. If you two are in it for the long-haul together, this shouldn't be a problem.
Right?
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