Still angry and resentful
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Still angry and resentful
Hi All,
Have not posted in a long while. But thought I would write something and try to get it out of my system because thinking about it isn't doing me any good.
I keep experiencing anger and I suppose deep resentment for the infidelity, the lying, the drinking. All of this conduct made me feel so unwanted, so small and insignificant. These feelings sit and stew inside me all day long. It makes me angry and resentful. But I can't seem to work it out. All I get are these images of her doing the ****** things, or not making things up to me the way I wanted...which just upsets me more.
For example, when we were trying to reconcile she would be kind for a time and I was still suspicious of her and could not let my guard down...then within a few weeks she would blow up at me or do something that would reinforce my worries (like start talking to some dude or disappearing and not responding to me for 24 hours). I know I had high expectations of her and was still really upset. Maybe the point is, that I was not truly ready to reconcile?
She got so frustrated with me about my conduct, especially the part where I had to take our daughter away from her while she was still drinking and forced her hand and made it so she needed alcohol monitoring if she wanted to spend time with our daughter...which she dragged her feet for 6 months (and I held my ground). Anyway the point is that she didn't like my conduct and said things like, "you stole my baby from me". And this was a reason she could never trust me and could not consider R with me until she had equal status with me.
Makes me so mad...she drank for 10 years and brought chaos into our lives and I hung in there with her...and she could not cut me some slack.
I am still so mad, so full of hurt.
I have been way more active with Al-Anon, attending at least 3-4 meeting a week, have an incredible sponsor, through my mens group and it has truly been an awakening, but I am still hurt and bothered and to an extent powerless.
I will write here. I have to get this out.
Have not posted in a long while. But thought I would write something and try to get it out of my system because thinking about it isn't doing me any good.
I keep experiencing anger and I suppose deep resentment for the infidelity, the lying, the drinking. All of this conduct made me feel so unwanted, so small and insignificant. These feelings sit and stew inside me all day long. It makes me angry and resentful. But I can't seem to work it out. All I get are these images of her doing the ****** things, or not making things up to me the way I wanted...which just upsets me more.
For example, when we were trying to reconcile she would be kind for a time and I was still suspicious of her and could not let my guard down...then within a few weeks she would blow up at me or do something that would reinforce my worries (like start talking to some dude or disappearing and not responding to me for 24 hours). I know I had high expectations of her and was still really upset. Maybe the point is, that I was not truly ready to reconcile?
She got so frustrated with me about my conduct, especially the part where I had to take our daughter away from her while she was still drinking and forced her hand and made it so she needed alcohol monitoring if she wanted to spend time with our daughter...which she dragged her feet for 6 months (and I held my ground). Anyway the point is that she didn't like my conduct and said things like, "you stole my baby from me". And this was a reason she could never trust me and could not consider R with me until she had equal status with me.
Makes me so mad...she drank for 10 years and brought chaos into our lives and I hung in there with her...and she could not cut me some slack.
I am still so mad, so full of hurt.
I have been way more active with Al-Anon, attending at least 3-4 meeting a week, have an incredible sponsor, through my mens group and it has truly been an awakening, but I am still hurt and bothered and to an extent powerless.
I will write here. I have to get this out.
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Hi,
I think writing here was really smart. I just blogged about this very subject yesterday. That when people suggest we just "let something go" where in the hell is it supposed to go? Regardless what IT is. It needs an outlet - someplace to land.
But I believe time is a necessary tool to consider as well. All wounds - physical or emotional - take time to heal.
It looks to me like you're doing a terrific job of taking care of yourself, which is pivotal if you want to take care of and do right by your daughter.
Hang in there.
I think writing here was really smart. I just blogged about this very subject yesterday. That when people suggest we just "let something go" where in the hell is it supposed to go? Regardless what IT is. It needs an outlet - someplace to land.
But I believe time is a necessary tool to consider as well. All wounds - physical or emotional - take time to heal.
It looks to me like you're doing a terrific job of taking care of yourself, which is pivotal if you want to take care of and do right by your daughter.
Hang in there.
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Great point, where does it go? I read a really powerful little book 13 steps to move from victim consciousness to god consciousness, about three times in the last two days. I was trying to figure this out...why I am I hanging on still to her, my anger, my resentment, the dreams, etc....
I am left wondering if I just have to let the emotions fly out of me? I thought I was tho? I have cried buckets of tears, I have thought constantly about how things went down, I have sat in counsellor chairs, talked with people, read all my old posts, what am I missing?
For now I will continue to write and try to let things out. I am feeling so full of grief and I know I have much to be grateful for. Seems like the grief outweighs the good. But I know that is up to me to shift that and to use the tools I have learned. I know intense grief comes in waves and then passes. I know some good moments come into my life.
I am left wondering if I just have to let the emotions fly out of me? I thought I was tho? I have cried buckets of tears, I have thought constantly about how things went down, I have sat in counsellor chairs, talked with people, read all my old posts, what am I missing?
For now I will continue to write and try to let things out. I am feeling so full of grief and I know I have much to be grateful for. Seems like the grief outweighs the good. But I know that is up to me to shift that and to use the tools I have learned. I know intense grief comes in waves and then passes. I know some good moments come into my life.
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost 
Great point, where does it go? ... what am I missing?
Have you ever experienced heartbreak before? How long did it take to move past that one?
Well, this too shall pass. And that little phrase implies the passage of time.
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Lumen,
I just took five minutes and went for a little fresh air. Thinking about this too shall pass. I so appreciate you reminding me of that tool. Not sure I can really hold onto it...it slips thru my fingers like sand and then I stare at the sand all over my feet in front of me...saying holy cow, what a mess. But your words reminded me of other slogans and, Easy does it seemed to stick for me in that moment. I gotta go easy on myself. I am still so upset with myself about not being able to let go of my hurt that could have made things better for us. I tear strips off myself all day long, so easy does it.
I just took five minutes and went for a little fresh air. Thinking about this too shall pass. I so appreciate you reminding me of that tool. Not sure I can really hold onto it...it slips thru my fingers like sand and then I stare at the sand all over my feet in front of me...saying holy cow, what a mess. But your words reminded me of other slogans and, Easy does it seemed to stick for me in that moment. I gotta go easy on myself. I am still so upset with myself about not being able to let go of my hurt that could have made things better for us. I tear strips off myself all day long, so easy does it.
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woodlandlost-------I am glad to hear that you are being proactive for yourself. I think that is so essential to connecting with your authentic inner self.
I have a couple of questions, though---are you two actually reconciled---as in living together under the same roof? For how long, exactly?
You feel what you feel. All feelings are "real" (of course, what you do with them is another story). Is reconciliation an absolute personal requirement for you---with no other option that you can accept or imagine? Is it that you are afraid of the pain of ending the relationship as it stands---or afraid that it says something about you that you couldn't "save your marriage" or "keep your wife". In other words---a blow to your ego and self image?
Are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole? Are you unrealistic about your expectations---maybe, holding on to something that may never be possible?
Or, are you expecting it all to be done and dusted too soon???
I am wondering if you and your wife are in any kind of marriage therapy together. This is hard stuff to work through all on your own---because you are only one half of a couple.
There are pleanty of examples that, sometimes, there is simply too much water that has passed under the bridge. Too much damage---too many scars. Even marriage counselors talk about how long it takes to be able to forgive---if that is even possible. Time and very hard work.
You know---it takes a lot more than just brushing the past under the rug and putting on a pious smile.
Every marriage is not "forever"----even if we want it to be. There are some necessary losses in this life that we simply have to accept and bear up under. Some marriages might have been incompatable, from the start---due to too much toxic baggage bought to the marriage from the past lives of each partner. I believe that is called "unresolvable differences". It does happen.
I think you may need to l et up on the 10 years that you "stuck by her" and want the account settled.
Woodlandlost-----we do not get out time back, None of us get a time refund for anything.
Please, realize that you are responsible for any decisions that You have made. Good or bad. And we all have to accept the consequences of any of our decisions. You are the one who decided to stay.
You made that decision----just like where you are in life is a culmination of all of the decisions you have made in your life, thus far. We don't get to make decisions and then blame others for how those decisions work out. This is about living life on life's terms.
lol----I have asked a lot of questions as a way to give you food for thought.
I left my first marriage---with three small kids. I know deep in my heart that it was the best possible decision that I could have made. Unhappiness and regret did NOT follow me for all of the days of my life, afterward. I could never have been happy if I had stayed.
I have a couple of questions, though---are you two actually reconciled---as in living together under the same roof? For how long, exactly?
You feel what you feel. All feelings are "real" (of course, what you do with them is another story). Is reconciliation an absolute personal requirement for you---with no other option that you can accept or imagine? Is it that you are afraid of the pain of ending the relationship as it stands---or afraid that it says something about you that you couldn't "save your marriage" or "keep your wife". In other words---a blow to your ego and self image?
Are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole? Are you unrealistic about your expectations---maybe, holding on to something that may never be possible?
Or, are you expecting it all to be done and dusted too soon???
I am wondering if you and your wife are in any kind of marriage therapy together. This is hard stuff to work through all on your own---because you are only one half of a couple.
There are pleanty of examples that, sometimes, there is simply too much water that has passed under the bridge. Too much damage---too many scars. Even marriage counselors talk about how long it takes to be able to forgive---if that is even possible. Time and very hard work.
You know---it takes a lot more than just brushing the past under the rug and putting on a pious smile.
Every marriage is not "forever"----even if we want it to be. There are some necessary losses in this life that we simply have to accept and bear up under. Some marriages might have been incompatable, from the start---due to too much toxic baggage bought to the marriage from the past lives of each partner. I believe that is called "unresolvable differences". It does happen.
I think you may need to l et up on the 10 years that you "stuck by her" and want the account settled.
Woodlandlost-----we do not get out time back, None of us get a time refund for anything.
Please, realize that you are responsible for any decisions that You have made. Good or bad. And we all have to accept the consequences of any of our decisions. You are the one who decided to stay.
You made that decision----just like where you are in life is a culmination of all of the decisions you have made in your life, thus far. We don't get to make decisions and then blame others for how those decisions work out. This is about living life on life's terms.
lol----I have asked a lot of questions as a way to give you food for thought.
I left my first marriage---with three small kids. I know deep in my heart that it was the best possible decision that I could have made. Unhappiness and regret did NOT follow me for all of the days of my life, afterward. I could never have been happy if I had stayed.
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Hi Dandy,
We are not reconciled, and have not been living together in almost 2 years. And we aren't working towards reconcilliation. I think I was doing a relationship analysis and feeling like taking a round out of myself.
Your points about life not giving refunds is so true. So true, what can I say. I guess I was expecting something from her and it never came. If that is universal truth, that we can expect nothing from anyone or the universe, then I have a lot of work to do. I believed in reciprocity and maybe that does not exist either. Way too much to unpack here.
Maybe I am hanging onto my standing by her...assuming that meant something...I don't know but right now it sure meant something to me, it took strength and love too, and it had ugliness to it as well. But ultimately, you are right. My decisions are my decisions and they are my responsibility to own.
I do think the end of my marriage is a major blow to the ego (the false me) without a doubt. The marriage represented so much. It was my life, my relationship, our activities, my hopes, all radiated out from that relationship in some way.
And no, we never did counselling. I asked for this soooooooooo many times during the course of our marriage, especially when things were bad. It was a hard no, or a yes with no follow through. We did once do it about a year and a bit ago, but she was still drinking...it was pointless.
I have to accept reality, as I have been trying to do for some time. Sometimes the pain, the doubt, the fear keep me from fully stepping into the finality of things. I know that to be true. (i think).
We are not reconciled, and have not been living together in almost 2 years. And we aren't working towards reconcilliation. I think I was doing a relationship analysis and feeling like taking a round out of myself.
Your points about life not giving refunds is so true. So true, what can I say. I guess I was expecting something from her and it never came. If that is universal truth, that we can expect nothing from anyone or the universe, then I have a lot of work to do. I believed in reciprocity and maybe that does not exist either. Way too much to unpack here.
Maybe I am hanging onto my standing by her...assuming that meant something...I don't know but right now it sure meant something to me, it took strength and love too, and it had ugliness to it as well. But ultimately, you are right. My decisions are my decisions and they are my responsibility to own.
I do think the end of my marriage is a major blow to the ego (the false me) without a doubt. The marriage represented so much. It was my life, my relationship, our activities, my hopes, all radiated out from that relationship in some way.
And no, we never did counselling. I asked for this soooooooooo many times during the course of our marriage, especially when things were bad. It was a hard no, or a yes with no follow through. We did once do it about a year and a bit ago, but she was still drinking...it was pointless.
I have to accept reality, as I have been trying to do for some time. Sometimes the pain, the doubt, the fear keep me from fully stepping into the finality of things. I know that to be true. (i think).
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woodlandlost-----yes, marriage is a part of life----but, it is not All of life. And, Yes---I do get how a significant other can share in important aspects of our living. I have had a bad marriage and a wonderful one----so I do know what you are talking about, Of course, you do realize that we can loose our own identity in the other person---and, that there is a necessary amount of healthy detachment that is necessary in the very b est relationships. A healthy marriage is not about loosing our identity in the other person----it is about enriching who we already are.
You are a total and complete person even if you never even met your wife.
Woodland----this human growth----this personal ego development takes time. I think you may be on the right track---but, are impatient about it, Growth is a process that never ends---not just a specific goal and no more.
You might want to google "Kahil Gilbran on Marriage" He was a poet. It is brief but powerful.
You might also appreciate the videos of Leo Gura on youtube, The ones on ego development (three parts). It looks a little "heady" at first, but, it is just basic Psychology l01.
You are a total and complete person even if you never even met your wife.
Woodland----this human growth----this personal ego development takes time. I think you may be on the right track---but, are impatient about it, Growth is a process that never ends---not just a specific goal and no more.
You might want to google "Kahil Gilbran on Marriage" He was a poet. It is brief but powerful.
You might also appreciate the videos of Leo Gura on youtube, The ones on ego development (three parts). It looks a little "heady" at first, but, it is just basic Psychology l01.
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woodland----for the record---I also get what you me an about "reciprocity" in marriage. I see reciprocity as a contract between two people as to how they behave toward each other in the relationship. Even so, your partner cannot refund back any time or energy that you spent. No more than she could give you back your teen years, or your childhood time. Nobody can. What was done or what happened is history---and, history does not change itself. We can only choose how we go forward.
****If you feel bitter, or resentful and angry----those are real feelings. I suggest that you own them. Go ahead and feel them and let them wash through you. Don't fight them---experience them. They won't swallow you up---and you won't fall into some black hole. Imagine that they are like the smoky fog that comes to the mountain top (you are the mountain). The fog comes---surrounds the mountain tip, for a while---then, slowly moves on---away from the mountain top.
****A thought that helped me, personally, a lot is this------anything that you give to another person (I'm not talking about a business type contract, here)….give it as a gift. A gift is from the heart and doesn't require anything back. It one gives something to another and expects the same back---it is not a gift---it is a form of manipulation.
A gift is as much a gift for the giver as it is for the receiver. A gift should leave us feeling free and good about ourselves. If it doesn't----it was/is about something else.
****If you feel bitter, or resentful and angry----those are real feelings. I suggest that you own them. Go ahead and feel them and let them wash through you. Don't fight them---experience them. They won't swallow you up---and you won't fall into some black hole. Imagine that they are like the smoky fog that comes to the mountain top (you are the mountain). The fog comes---surrounds the mountain tip, for a while---then, slowly moves on---away from the mountain top.
****A thought that helped me, personally, a lot is this------anything that you give to another person (I'm not talking about a business type contract, here)….give it as a gift. A gift is from the heart and doesn't require anything back. It one gives something to another and expects the same back---it is not a gift---it is a form of manipulation.
A gift is as much a gift for the giver as it is for the receiver. A gift should leave us feeling free and good about ourselves. If it doesn't----it was/is about something else.
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost
I have to accept reality, as I have been trying to do for some time. Sometimes the pain, the doubt, the fear keep me from fully stepping into the finality of things. I know that to be true. (i think).
I guess I was expecting something from her and it never came. If that is universal truth, that we can expect nothing from anyone or the universe, then I have a lot of work to do. I believed in reciprocity and maybe that does not exist either.
This may be a control issue? What you believe to not be fair has in fact happened. That can be horribly frustrating. If you continue to hold on to your "reciprocity" belief, then you will probably continue going in circles because there is no way your mind can rest about this or solve it. This happened - this is the result - but that's not fair or how I believe - so how did this happen again? And this is the result - but hang on, it's not supposed to be this way it's supposed to be THAT way, that's what I believe to be true but that's not what happened, so how did this happen - etc etc etc the circle of this thought.
The only way to break it is to change your belief that there is reciprocity or reward for anything you do. If that happens, well that's nice and that's icing, but it shouldn't be an expectation.
Keeping in mind I am talking about this specifically, of course we would have expectations of others we are friends with or romantically involved with, if those needs/expectations are not met, then WE get to choose whether we want to stick around in that relationship.
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Woodlandlost
I am coming up on 10 years out of a marriage that had a similar ending.
One of the hardest things that the marriage ending taught me was that I had to feel the feelings (not fight myself from having them), and that time took time.
I think I struggled that I was on a timeline for healing and if I was not done in a certain time then I was somehow failing myself and my recovery.
For me I was getting recovery help prior to my marriage ending and in retrospect it was the marriage ending that really made me dig in and not just heal the ending of my relationship but a lot of childhood stuff that I believe brought me into the relationship in the first place. At first I could not appreciate that part, and I could not see past all the hurt and confusion and grief.
I also had this odd expectation that I was supposed to know how to deal with all of this "stuff." There was a lot of it! But I had not ever allowed myself to feel that level of hurt, and I had never allowed myself to feel anger before. I had to learn what it felt like it my body, experience what was legitimately mine (and just as important, what was not). I also realized I was not just angry at the ending of the marriage but at many other things from the marriage and before the marriage etc. It took a while my my brain and body to even be able to sort through all the stuff I was feeling. I bet for me it took a number of years to get to allow myself to truly feel the anger, and then I had to "be with" the anger of my 35 years plus.
I know that makes it sound worse because of how long it took. I got solace from regularly seeing that it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair and I decided that it was the same with an affair and a relationship with alcohol involved.
Now I am grateful. Not for the hurt that got me into a deeper level of recovery, but to myself for allowing myself to be with the hard stuff and to get it sorted out.
I also am grateful to my "Recovery Team" which included therapists, Al-Anon, body workers, dog trainers etc. I did not like the learning curve, but appreciate the lessons.
I am sorry for how hard this is now, but I also know that from your discomfort many wonderful things can and will happen.
I am coming up on 10 years out of a marriage that had a similar ending.
One of the hardest things that the marriage ending taught me was that I had to feel the feelings (not fight myself from having them), and that time took time.
I think I struggled that I was on a timeline for healing and if I was not done in a certain time then I was somehow failing myself and my recovery.
For me I was getting recovery help prior to my marriage ending and in retrospect it was the marriage ending that really made me dig in and not just heal the ending of my relationship but a lot of childhood stuff that I believe brought me into the relationship in the first place. At first I could not appreciate that part, and I could not see past all the hurt and confusion and grief.
I also had this odd expectation that I was supposed to know how to deal with all of this "stuff." There was a lot of it! But I had not ever allowed myself to feel that level of hurt, and I had never allowed myself to feel anger before. I had to learn what it felt like it my body, experience what was legitimately mine (and just as important, what was not). I also realized I was not just angry at the ending of the marriage but at many other things from the marriage and before the marriage etc. It took a while my my brain and body to even be able to sort through all the stuff I was feeling. I bet for me it took a number of years to get to allow myself to truly feel the anger, and then I had to "be with" the anger of my 35 years plus.
I know that makes it sound worse because of how long it took. I got solace from regularly seeing that it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair and I decided that it was the same with an affair and a relationship with alcohol involved.
Now I am grateful. Not for the hurt that got me into a deeper level of recovery, but to myself for allowing myself to be with the hard stuff and to get it sorted out.
I also am grateful to my "Recovery Team" which included therapists, Al-Anon, body workers, dog trainers etc. I did not like the learning curve, but appreciate the lessons.
I am sorry for how hard this is now, but I also know that from your discomfort many wonderful things can and will happen.
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Hi All,
I have had a bit of time to really sit back and reflect on the posts from you all. One particular series of questions (that many others posed) was:
Is it that you are afraid of the pain of ending the relationship as it stands---or afraid that it says something about you that you couldn't "save your marriage" or "keep your wife". In other words---a blow to your ego and self image?
Are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole? Are you unrealistic about your expectations---maybe, holding on to something that may never be possible?[/QUOTE]
Or, are you expecting it all to be done and dusted too soon???
[QUOTE]
I believe it is a resounding, Yes, to all. I think most of all, is the fear of leaning into all the grief. I spoke with my Al-Anon sponsor today and I said it to him, that I am afraid of the feelings of grief. Not to say I haven't felt the grief and pain of all the horrible things, but I have danced around or ran away from the grief that the marriage is over. So why then and I so scared of feeling that grief? Maybe it is that I will feel like a failure, a lesser man? I don't know...I guess that is why I have to honestly let that grief wash over me...maybe I will find an answer or not. This recovery stuff is hard. The hardest part of my life so far. I will give myself credit, I am engaged in this process, I am learning a lot and am looking after myself better too. Thanks to all who respond to me. I have enjoyed re-reading these posts a week or so after my initial posts...it is interesting to see where my head is at after I let some time pass.
I have had a bit of time to really sit back and reflect on the posts from you all. One particular series of questions (that many others posed) was:
Is it that you are afraid of the pain of ending the relationship as it stands---or afraid that it says something about you that you couldn't "save your marriage" or "keep your wife". In other words---a blow to your ego and self image?
Are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole? Are you unrealistic about your expectations---maybe, holding on to something that may never be possible?[/QUOTE]
Or, are you expecting it all to be done and dusted too soon???
[QUOTE]
I believe it is a resounding, Yes, to all. I think most of all, is the fear of leaning into all the grief. I spoke with my Al-Anon sponsor today and I said it to him, that I am afraid of the feelings of grief. Not to say I haven't felt the grief and pain of all the horrible things, but I have danced around or ran away from the grief that the marriage is over. So why then and I so scared of feeling that grief? Maybe it is that I will feel like a failure, a lesser man? I don't know...I guess that is why I have to honestly let that grief wash over me...maybe I will find an answer or not. This recovery stuff is hard. The hardest part of my life so far. I will give myself credit, I am engaged in this process, I am learning a lot and am looking after myself better too. Thanks to all who respond to me. I have enjoyed re-reading these posts a week or so after my initial posts...it is interesting to see where my head is at after I let some time pass.
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hey woodandlost, I was reading the sample of a book today at Amazon - Master your emotions by Thibaut Meurisse, I think you might find it interesting. It's not a big, heavy duty psychology book (ie: boring lol), it's a practical guide to identifying emotions, where they come from, how to use them how to let them pass by.
Anyway, the sample you can read for free is quite long and you might find it helpful to see if this is something of interest to you (I did).
Anyway, the sample you can read for free is quite long and you might find it helpful to see if this is something of interest to you (I did).
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Trailmix:
Great recommendation. I have just started a new book upon recommendation by my sponsor. Man's Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl)...and I went looking for Master your emotions and I came upon a free download of the same title but with the subheading, the Sedona Method by Virginia Lloyd. Can't wait to check these out. Thanks so much for the message
Great recommendation. I have just started a new book upon recommendation by my sponsor. Man's Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl)...and I went looking for Master your emotions and I came upon a free download of the same title but with the subheading, the Sedona Method by Virginia Lloyd. Can't wait to check these out. Thanks so much for the message
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Keep at it Woodland. It is not easy and does take more time than any of us want.
It has been decades since I left my Qualifier and it is still one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Courage and strength to you as you let that anger, resentment and entire bouquet of toxic emotion come in. Listen to it carefully just don't react to it.
It has been decades since I left my Qualifier and it is still one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Courage and strength to you as you let that anger, resentment and entire bouquet of toxic emotion come in. Listen to it carefully just don't react to it.
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