Why Do I Do This??
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: United States
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Why Do I Do This??
When I was told that he was going to drink in moderation, one of the things he said was: "I'm not going to drink the nights before I go to work."
I woke up to him smelling like a brewery and 10 beer cans in the recycle bin. I was so livid that I was ready to fight with him. I was ready to scream. All this confidence raged inside of me. I was doing all the work.
I accepted the fact that he was fired again.
I accepted the fact that we were loosing our home.
I accepted the fact that we have to move in with parents indefinitely.
I accepted the fact that we had no plan now.
What I cannot accept is waking up to him smelling of alcohol and finding 10, yes 10 empty beer cans in my recycle bin. I spent the morning steaming as I packed up the living room. All the pictures of our eight years together. The vacations to Vegas, to both east and west coast beaches, Disney Land where he stood in line for an hour to get a picture with Mickey because I wanted it, all the hikes and camping trips to the historical spots around our state, my college graduation, all our wedding photos, my last birthday where he gave me one of the best presents. He took me to the Tim Burton Museum. Just a little about me, I am a HUGE Tim Burton fan. It was the best birthday and an amazing week vacation. All those wonderful pictures are now shoved inside of a box and being put in storage. Who knows when I will see them again. Once we move into my parents', there only plan is to purchase a house. So we could be in my parents' house for months, possibly a year. All because his drinking caused us to loose our home.
I was meeting him at my parents' house to watch football. The whole drive in, I could feel the steam leaking out of my ears. I was ready to fight with him. I was ready to scream and yell, and even for him to want to leave me because of it.
Then I walked into my parents' house and those crystal blue eyes sparkled at me. His crooked smile, his upbeat tone, and his laugh as he joked with my family. Suddenly, I felt it very difficult to be mad at him. All my anger disappeared and I ended up having a wonderful afternoon watching football with everyone. Then the part came where we went home and my anger resurfaced. I waited for him to crack open a beer. I was going to confront him about the 10 beers. I was going to complain about his drinking, give him the definition of a 'couple of beers' and reinforce him that I refuse to deal with his heavy drinking again. But, he never reached for that beer. We sat and watched the game soberly. He joked with me, he laughed with me, and the only thing he got up to get was a bowl of cereal.
Why do I do that?
Why do I get so mad at him that I am ready to release all hell on him?
This confidence and strength bursts out of me.
Then he smiles.
Then he displays his relaxation and joyous mood.
It's like everything I was angry about just buries even deeper and my mood immediately matches his.
Is that normal?
It's been like that our whole relationship. Every once in a while I explode and everything comes out. That's when I get the question of: "Where is this coming from?" or "Why are you being like this?" Why can't I just let it out when the event is fresh? He does. When something is bothering him, he tells me right away.
All I have right now is empty boxes I need to pack and the hope for another day of no drinking.
Reposted from my blog.
I woke up to him smelling like a brewery and 10 beer cans in the recycle bin. I was so livid that I was ready to fight with him. I was ready to scream. All this confidence raged inside of me. I was doing all the work.
I accepted the fact that he was fired again.
I accepted the fact that we were loosing our home.
I accepted the fact that we have to move in with parents indefinitely.
I accepted the fact that we had no plan now.
What I cannot accept is waking up to him smelling of alcohol and finding 10, yes 10 empty beer cans in my recycle bin. I spent the morning steaming as I packed up the living room. All the pictures of our eight years together. The vacations to Vegas, to both east and west coast beaches, Disney Land where he stood in line for an hour to get a picture with Mickey because I wanted it, all the hikes and camping trips to the historical spots around our state, my college graduation, all our wedding photos, my last birthday where he gave me one of the best presents. He took me to the Tim Burton Museum. Just a little about me, I am a HUGE Tim Burton fan. It was the best birthday and an amazing week vacation. All those wonderful pictures are now shoved inside of a box and being put in storage. Who knows when I will see them again. Once we move into my parents', there only plan is to purchase a house. So we could be in my parents' house for months, possibly a year. All because his drinking caused us to loose our home.
I was meeting him at my parents' house to watch football. The whole drive in, I could feel the steam leaking out of my ears. I was ready to fight with him. I was ready to scream and yell, and even for him to want to leave me because of it.
Then I walked into my parents' house and those crystal blue eyes sparkled at me. His crooked smile, his upbeat tone, and his laugh as he joked with my family. Suddenly, I felt it very difficult to be mad at him. All my anger disappeared and I ended up having a wonderful afternoon watching football with everyone. Then the part came where we went home and my anger resurfaced. I waited for him to crack open a beer. I was going to confront him about the 10 beers. I was going to complain about his drinking, give him the definition of a 'couple of beers' and reinforce him that I refuse to deal with his heavy drinking again. But, he never reached for that beer. We sat and watched the game soberly. He joked with me, he laughed with me, and the only thing he got up to get was a bowl of cereal.
Why do I do that?
Why do I get so mad at him that I am ready to release all hell on him?
This confidence and strength bursts out of me.
Then he smiles.
Then he displays his relaxation and joyous mood.
It's like everything I was angry about just buries even deeper and my mood immediately matches his.
Is that normal?
It's been like that our whole relationship. Every once in a while I explode and everything comes out. That's when I get the question of: "Where is this coming from?" or "Why are you being like this?" Why can't I just let it out when the event is fresh? He does. When something is bothering him, he tells me right away.
All I have right now is empty boxes I need to pack and the hope for another day of no drinking.
Reposted from my blog.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sometimes, to gain some perspective, we need distance and time, both physical and emotional. When we're all caught up in the cycle of addiction and codependence, we often feel confused and unsure all of the time. Some space away from the cycle, for long enough for us to really understand how we have been living, is sometimes the only thing that lets us see our lives as they truly are, and to understand whether or not that's how we really want to live.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Myrtle Beach, SC
Posts: 41
Hello TiredKitty, I am very sorry that you are going through such a tough chapter in life right now. Thank you for putting all of those feelings into words for us. It helps me to understand how my wife must have felt so many times. I have been in the exact same position as your husband the morning after as my wife discovers the amount that I drank the night before. The shame I feel, the worry she feels.
It sounds like there is unresolved resentment that you feel towards your husband, and rightfully so. The current struggle you are going through is because of his actions and not your own so you have a right to be upset. Working through the circumstances and accepting them is really hard, and every box you pack up is going to likely add even more hurt and resentment so it is important to deal with it as it comes and not let it pile up.
However I was so happy to hear that you still feel calm when looking into your husbands eyes, and that you still love his personality. And especially that you know he is at least trying to work on it by not drinking when you had expected him to. Tell him how you feel and then tell him again, and then tell him tomorrow and the next day. Working through this big change and coming out stronger together on the other side is going to take daily effort by each of you. Maybe a good framework for that conversation would be: This is how I feel - This is why - This is where I want us to get to - This is how we can get there. And maintain that level of communication and understanding each day.
Did you tell him you were happy and proud of him for not drinking while you watched the game? I can tell you from my experience that positive reinforcement from my wife while I have been working on sobriety is very encouraging. He should know your expectations and should be held accountable if he fails to meet them. Waiting to bring up the 10 beers brings no immediate accountability for him and also allows it to fester inside you, then when it comes out later seemingly out of nowhere to him, it might not have the same effect. However there is not an expiration date to those feelings, so I say tell him no matter when it is but the sooner the better,
It might be more helpful to say: "I am so proud of you for not drinking yesterday, it is so much better for both of us then when you drink like you did 2 days ago, don't you think?" rather then "I am so upset at you for drinking so much 2 days ago, stop drinking like that." I don't feel it would be good to sugar coat anything or shelter him from accountability, but go for that positive approach whenever possible.
As the addict in my marriage I am more like your husband and so my advice is how to help him. But it is very important that you are cared for and nurtured as well so that you can heal through this, stay strong for him, and realize better days ahead. We are all here for you!
It sounds like there is unresolved resentment that you feel towards your husband, and rightfully so. The current struggle you are going through is because of his actions and not your own so you have a right to be upset. Working through the circumstances and accepting them is really hard, and every box you pack up is going to likely add even more hurt and resentment so it is important to deal with it as it comes and not let it pile up.
However I was so happy to hear that you still feel calm when looking into your husbands eyes, and that you still love his personality. And especially that you know he is at least trying to work on it by not drinking when you had expected him to. Tell him how you feel and then tell him again, and then tell him tomorrow and the next day. Working through this big change and coming out stronger together on the other side is going to take daily effort by each of you. Maybe a good framework for that conversation would be: This is how I feel - This is why - This is where I want us to get to - This is how we can get there. And maintain that level of communication and understanding each day.
Did you tell him you were happy and proud of him for not drinking while you watched the game? I can tell you from my experience that positive reinforcement from my wife while I have been working on sobriety is very encouraging. He should know your expectations and should be held accountable if he fails to meet them. Waiting to bring up the 10 beers brings no immediate accountability for him and also allows it to fester inside you, then when it comes out later seemingly out of nowhere to him, it might not have the same effect. However there is not an expiration date to those feelings, so I say tell him no matter when it is but the sooner the better,
It might be more helpful to say: "I am so proud of you for not drinking yesterday, it is so much better for both of us then when you drink like you did 2 days ago, don't you think?" rather then "I am so upset at you for drinking so much 2 days ago, stop drinking like that." I don't feel it would be good to sugar coat anything or shelter him from accountability, but go for that positive approach whenever possible.
As the addict in my marriage I am more like your husband and so my advice is how to help him. But it is very important that you are cared for and nurtured as well so that you can heal through this, stay strong for him, and realize better days ahead. We are all here for you!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Well, my take on this is you have no plan, not saying that is good or bad, it is just the way this is right now.
You aren't definitely staying and you aren't definitely leaving, so you just go along and feel what you feel when you feel it. You obviously still care about him a great deal and perhaps if he were sober you wouldn't be so unhappy but he isn't and you are.
That's not changing. He might not drink one Sunday, or tomorrow, but he might go on a bender on Tuesday, that's also something you don't know.
It's not hard to put all that aside when things are going better? You are just sitting there watching TV and relaxing, you can't be angry all the time (well you could be but you aren't?), isn't this the way it has always been with him? As the saying around here goes, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Referring back to the first line of my post, with no plan or boundaries or decisions, you will just float along in this relationship. Just like the alcoholic is the only one that can make a decision to quit, you are the only one that can decide when you have had enough of the rollercoaster. Or you can decide to stick it out, that's up to you, but make a decision.
Getting angry with him doesn't seem to touch him and you really only hurt yourself, do you want to be an angry, bitter, person? Don't take his drinking personally, while it is destroying your relationship, perhaps, he isn't drinking AT you, he's just drinking, it's what alcoholics do and you are married to an alcoholic. As long as you think that you somehow have control over this, you can't be peaceful or content. Keeping in mind you can't change him. You are packing up your house because he drank and lost his job, so what does he do, he drinks.
Until you make a decision to accept him just the way he is (drinking included) and get on with YOUR life (with or without him with you) you will be angry.
You aren't definitely staying and you aren't definitely leaving, so you just go along and feel what you feel when you feel it. You obviously still care about him a great deal and perhaps if he were sober you wouldn't be so unhappy but he isn't and you are.
That's not changing. He might not drink one Sunday, or tomorrow, but he might go on a bender on Tuesday, that's also something you don't know.
It's not hard to put all that aside when things are going better? You are just sitting there watching TV and relaxing, you can't be angry all the time (well you could be but you aren't?), isn't this the way it has always been with him? As the saying around here goes, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Referring back to the first line of my post, with no plan or boundaries or decisions, you will just float along in this relationship. Just like the alcoholic is the only one that can make a decision to quit, you are the only one that can decide when you have had enough of the rollercoaster. Or you can decide to stick it out, that's up to you, but make a decision.
Getting angry with him doesn't seem to touch him and you really only hurt yourself, do you want to be an angry, bitter, person? Don't take his drinking personally, while it is destroying your relationship, perhaps, he isn't drinking AT you, he's just drinking, it's what alcoholics do and you are married to an alcoholic. As long as you think that you somehow have control over this, you can't be peaceful or content. Keeping in mind you can't change him. You are packing up your house because he drank and lost his job, so what does he do, he drinks.
Until you make a decision to accept him just the way he is (drinking included) and get on with YOUR life (with or without him with you) you will be angry.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
The moderation is simply a bad plan. Addicts cannot moderate, and that's speaking from my own drinking experience. He may manage to reduce for awhile, but it will creep up and he's already "broken" his own rules.
You have to decide if you want to live with untreated addiction if he chooses to never stop. What do you want from your life? Sometimes just loving a person isn't enough when they cannot / choose not to meet your expectations.
You need a plan, and you need to be clear with him what you will / will not support in your own life.
You will not have peace until you are living your truth, and not going along with his addiction.
You have to decide if you want to live with untreated addiction if he chooses to never stop. What do you want from your life? Sometimes just loving a person isn't enough when they cannot / choose not to meet your expectations.
You need a plan, and you need to be clear with him what you will / will not support in your own life.
You will not have peace until you are living your truth, and not going along with his addiction.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Posts: 918
Originally Posted by TiredKitty 
All I have right now is empty boxes I need to pack and the hope for another day of no drinking.
Reposted from my blog.
Reposted from my blog.
If you're driving yourself crazy - - - - - - - STOP.
Turn off the radio station in your mind. Listen to something else. Something more helpful. Be the station owner. Decide what you want to play and then play it.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I read your entire blog and it was heartbreaking. He’s emotionally very cruel to you and it sounds like he’s on the verge of getting physically abusive soon.
As everyone else has pointed out, drinking in moderation will NEVER be an option for him. He’s an alcoholic. I hope you can accept that fact soon.
You deserve to have a better life than “walking on eggshells” and picking up the pieces of a life he’s constantly destroying.
As everyone else has pointed out, drinking in moderation will NEVER be an option for him. He’s an alcoholic. I hope you can accept that fact soon.
You deserve to have a better life than “walking on eggshells” and picking up the pieces of a life he’s constantly destroying.
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