Will she live ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 5
Will she live ?
I’m pretty sure it would be impossible for anyone to answer the subject to this thread .
my partner has been in hospital the last 6 weeks , she is 43 and it is her first hospital admission due to alcohol . She had been suffering for the past year with symptoms I knew were due to alcoholism but she refused to get help .Swollen ankles , losing weight , bloated belly , loss of appetite , throwing up in the morning , piles etc .
she woke up on my birthday 6 weeks ago looking terrified ( she had passed blood through the night and was having serious pains in her legs ) and told me she was taking herself to a&e. She was admitted straight away and diagnosed with acute liver disease. Within a week she had developed jaundice and it seems to have all gone down hill since .
i am struggling with so many emotions that I’ve got to the point of trying to block them all out . I’m angry at myself as I have known for two years she had a drink problem but couldn’t do anything to stop her drinking , I’m full of dread as we have been told she might not make it , I’m worried that if she does make it will we be able to get back to what we once where ( things had got really bad in the relationship and I’m not sure we would stayed together ) and I’m worried about what people are thinking . ( does her family blame me )My family and friends have been very supportive including her family .
She still won’t really open up to me , she doesn’t want to answer any of my questions about how long she has been an alcoholic for or why as I feel there must be a reason . Even with her prognosis I feel she’s keeping stuff from me , her account of her condition was different to the doctors , maybe she is only trying to save me from worrying but it’s just been a cycle of denial with her and I just want honesty .
can anyone relate ?
my partner has been in hospital the last 6 weeks , she is 43 and it is her first hospital admission due to alcohol . She had been suffering for the past year with symptoms I knew were due to alcoholism but she refused to get help .Swollen ankles , losing weight , bloated belly , loss of appetite , throwing up in the morning , piles etc .
she woke up on my birthday 6 weeks ago looking terrified ( she had passed blood through the night and was having serious pains in her legs ) and told me she was taking herself to a&e. She was admitted straight away and diagnosed with acute liver disease. Within a week she had developed jaundice and it seems to have all gone down hill since .
i am struggling with so many emotions that I’ve got to the point of trying to block them all out . I’m angry at myself as I have known for two years she had a drink problem but couldn’t do anything to stop her drinking , I’m full of dread as we have been told she might not make it , I’m worried that if she does make it will we be able to get back to what we once where ( things had got really bad in the relationship and I’m not sure we would stayed together ) and I’m worried about what people are thinking . ( does her family blame me )My family and friends have been very supportive including her family .
She still won’t really open up to me , she doesn’t want to answer any of my questions about how long she has been an alcoholic for or why as I feel there must be a reason . Even with her prognosis I feel she’s keeping stuff from me , her account of her condition was different to the doctors , maybe she is only trying to save me from worrying but it’s just been a cycle of denial with her and I just want honesty .
can anyone relate ?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Welcome Bam. I'm so very glad you found us and heartsick for the situation you are in.
All of us here are in, or have been in, a relationship with an alcoholic (we call this person a Qualifier as it Qualifies you to be here). Unfortunately some here have lost spouses or children to alcoholism. It is heartrending.
People may blame you for her situation but they are completely misguided in this. "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it". People without some extended experience with addiction/alcoholism may well think it is possible to change an alcoholic; it isn't. The alcoholic individual may choose to change themselves; however this means they live the rest of their lives being vigilant against a relapse.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself at this terrible time: find an alanon group, get some exercise if you can and post here as much as you want . . . . what you yourself are experiencing right now is beyond difficult (as you have probably noticed).
Courage to you.
All of us here are in, or have been in, a relationship with an alcoholic (we call this person a Qualifier as it Qualifies you to be here). Unfortunately some here have lost spouses or children to alcoholism. It is heartrending.
People may blame you for her situation but they are completely misguided in this. "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it". People without some extended experience with addiction/alcoholism may well think it is possible to change an alcoholic; it isn't. The alcoholic individual may choose to change themselves; however this means they live the rest of their lives being vigilant against a relapse.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself at this terrible time: find an alanon group, get some exercise if you can and post here as much as you want . . . . what you yourself are experiencing right now is beyond difficult (as you have probably noticed).
Courage to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey friend. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Denial is a hallmark of addiction. Try not to take her behavior personally--she isn't drinking at you, she wasn't hospitalized because of any failure on your part, and she isn't keeping secrets because there is anything wrong with you. She is lying to herself first. Everyone else is just collateral.
I hope this is a turning point for her--that her health improves and she chooses to take this second chance and embark on recovery from her addiction. But you should know, whether or not she does that is entirely up to her. There's nothing you can do or say to make her do that. And if she does do it, there are still no guarantees. Recovery is a major life-altering endeavor that could change everything about her.
I would take some time while she is in the hands of the doctors to take very good care of yourself, to learn what you can about addiction and the effect it can have on families and loved ones, and to decide what you want your future to look like from a fully-informed perspective.
Denial is a hallmark of addiction. Try not to take her behavior personally--she isn't drinking at you, she wasn't hospitalized because of any failure on your part, and she isn't keeping secrets because there is anything wrong with you. She is lying to herself first. Everyone else is just collateral.
I hope this is a turning point for her--that her health improves and she chooses to take this second chance and embark on recovery from her addiction. But you should know, whether or not she does that is entirely up to her. There's nothing you can do or say to make her do that. And if she does do it, there are still no guarantees. Recovery is a major life-altering endeavor that could change everything about her.
I would take some time while she is in the hands of the doctors to take very good care of yourself, to learn what you can about addiction and the effect it can have on families and loved ones, and to decide what you want your future to look like from a fully-informed perspective.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I’ve been there. My ex managed to pull through, and improved a lot for a while without alcohol, but I think he’s right back there now. They told him in the hospital the first time he’d be on a transplant list if he wasn’t disqualified for his drinking, and he was assigned to a palliative care team. But when he went in he was bleeding uncontrollably, jaundiced, vomiting and defacating blood, swollen, all of it. It’s been just over two years now and he’s still alive. Similar age, which I think has helped him live this long.
He also lied to the doctors. When I finally convinced him to go to the ER they could see immediately it was liver failure and they asked him about drinking. He said “1 or 2 maybe once or twice a week.” He was drinking 3/4 of a bottle of vodka a day that I knew about, and more than that that I didn’t. It’s what they do.
It is not your fault, and you can’t fix it. I struggled with people finding out, but the first time I told the doctor the truth when he lied was the last time I ever let him lie in front of me, or to me, without me calling BS. It’s scary but it was so, so much better to break out of the enforced silence and isolation of worrying what people think. People I never knew would understand came forward and supported me, and no one I care about judged me. If her family blames you, that’s their mistake and their blindness.
Whether she lives or dies, but especially if she lives, listen to what YOU need and share what YOU need to for your own health. It’s not to your job to lie or protect her, it’s not your shame that she is an addict, and you and your life and needs matter. This is an awful place for a partner to be. Hugs and strength.
He also lied to the doctors. When I finally convinced him to go to the ER they could see immediately it was liver failure and they asked him about drinking. He said “1 or 2 maybe once or twice a week.” He was drinking 3/4 of a bottle of vodka a day that I knew about, and more than that that I didn’t. It’s what they do.
It is not your fault, and you can’t fix it. I struggled with people finding out, but the first time I told the doctor the truth when he lied was the last time I ever let him lie in front of me, or to me, without me calling BS. It’s scary but it was so, so much better to break out of the enforced silence and isolation of worrying what people think. People I never knew would understand came forward and supported me, and no one I care about judged me. If her family blames you, that’s their mistake and their blindness.
Whether she lives or dies, but especially if she lives, listen to what YOU need and share what YOU need to for your own health. It’s not to your job to lie or protect her, it’s not your shame that she is an addict, and you and your life and needs matter. This is an awful place for a partner to be. Hugs and strength.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Dear bambam
I'm very sad reading about the situation you find yourself in. This is for sure a time of intense and conflicting emotions for you. You will need a lot of time to try to unravel and make sense of all that is going on.
As others have said - now is the time to leave your partner in the hands of the hospital staff and take really good care of yourself. You might not know what that means right now but if you read around the forum you will find many good suggestions and tools.
Please don't worry about what anyone else thinks. They weren't there and they didn't live it the way you did. Other people's opinions are their own and they are welcome to keep them.
You may be surprised about the way people react when you are honest with them.
My heart goes out to you at this very difficult time. Wishing you strength and hope.
I'm very sad reading about the situation you find yourself in. This is for sure a time of intense and conflicting emotions for you. You will need a lot of time to try to unravel and make sense of all that is going on.
As others have said - now is the time to leave your partner in the hands of the hospital staff and take really good care of yourself. You might not know what that means right now but if you read around the forum you will find many good suggestions and tools.
Please don't worry about what anyone else thinks. They weren't there and they didn't live it the way you did. Other people's opinions are their own and they are welcome to keep them.
You may be surprised about the way people react when you are honest with them.
My heart goes out to you at this very difficult time. Wishing you strength and hope.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Bambam11 
she doesn’t want to answer any of my questions about how long she has been an alcoholic for or why as I feel there must be a reason .
1. She has no ability to give you accurate answers right now, anyway.
2. The questioning only puts distance between the two of you at this time.
3. The questions give you a false sense of security that answers will bring you peace of mind. They won't.
Backing off on the questions will be a first step for you in turning your attention away from trying to find solace in her and instead looking for solace in places that are much more stable and fruitful.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Hi,
That's a hard post to read. Your friend haspushed her body too farand it's safe to assume that her mind and brain have followed. Her capacity for lucid cognition is likely not in full working order.
Expecting truth or much of anything valuable from her might be a stretch on your part at this point.
Six weeks is a LONG time to spend in the hospital - for anything.
That's a hard post to read. Your friend haspushed her body too farand it's safe to assume that her mind and brain have followed. Her capacity for lucid cognition is likely not in full working order.
Expecting truth or much of anything valuable from her might be a stretch on your part at this point.
Six weeks is a LONG time to spend in the hospital - for anything.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
...."and I just want honesty"
You are in a very difficult and painful situation and it's important for you to have support
at this time - a counselor, alanon and a sponsor in alanon, SR, and a higher power as you
believe, maybe a friend who has loved someone in addiction.
Your last words caught me, you will not find honesty with an alcoholic until, maybe, when
they are well into recovery. We have a saying here, don't go to the hardware store for bread.
It's not there. What you are expecting/wanting/needing from an alcoholic is simply not there.
Much better for you to search for honesty about yourself and how you want to live
your life. This can take some time, and it's not easy, we all need some support and help
along the way.
You are in a very difficult and painful situation and it's important for you to have support
at this time - a counselor, alanon and a sponsor in alanon, SR, and a higher power as you
believe, maybe a friend who has loved someone in addiction.
Your last words caught me, you will not find honesty with an alcoholic until, maybe, when
they are well into recovery. We have a saying here, don't go to the hardware store for bread.
It's not there. What you are expecting/wanting/needing from an alcoholic is simply not there.
Much better for you to search for honesty about yourself and how you want to live
your life. This can take some time, and it's not easy, we all need some support and help
along the way.
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