Dcct

Hello. I have been with my alcoholic husband 7 years. 3 years ago we packed up what we could hold in a car and drove 13 hours to be with his family so he would have support and recover from his addiction. It has been aweful. He has been in and out of jail. He has been in and out of recovery and is currently in the VA psych ward. I have no one here and now his family has blamed me. They have called me mentally ill and told me to never speak to him again. He is 46 years old. I have a son that is 7 ( we met when I was pregnant). I have no babysitter n no where to go. I feel lost. He finally called me blaming me for saying things I never said. He wants me to pick him up and acts as if everything is ok. He won’t acknowledge anything that has happened and told me that the drs told him he was drugged that’s what caused the last outburst. Of course I was blamed for that. I was at work in the middle of a 12 hour shift when he texted me he wanted to die. His dr called me and told me he wouldn’t be releasing him. They believe he is minimalizing his alcoholism. I have found a place to go temporarily and a possible babysitter. The only family I have left lives 12 hours away. I feel so alone and don’t know what to do. I know if he had to choose he would choose his family. All of which are alcoholics that don’t think he has a problem. I guess I just want to hear someone else’s opinion. He has been lying about drinking. I’ve been finding the beer in my trash cans. He has even told me someone is coming into our home. My things have started disappearing. He blames the beer on someone setting him up. I don’t know what to do

SparkleKitty

From what you've related, I think your husband is an active alcoholic with no desire to stop drinking and deal with the consequences of his behavior. I also think that if you wait for him to get better, you and your son will be waiting a long time to have a peaceful life.

All of the behavior you describe is straight out of the addict's playbook. None of this is your fault, but finding a better life for yourself is your responsibility. What would happen if you and your son went to stay with your family who is 12 hours away? Neither of you should be subjected to his abusive behavior any longer.

Dcct

I guess leaving the 12 hours finalizes it in my mind. I know he will never leave his family here for any reason. He told the drs and me he only had 1 or 2 beers but I know it was almost. 12 pack. He has plead guilty to a dui felony here and was set to go to jail sept 14. His mom kept my son while I worked. She told me to never speak to him again. She’s been telling him things and he calls me i mentally can’t deal with them anymore either. I took the week off work. I wanted to finish out September here then I guess I need to go back to my home. I will have to start over again alone. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to

SparkleKitty

If you are strong enough to survive the abuse from him and his family, you are definitely strong enough to survive bring alone. You might even grow to prefer it at some point.

Dcct

I’m in a grief stage I guess. I want to minimalize his actions. Say I’m overreacting but I’m not. I should have left a long time ago this is all new. It used to all get bad then it would be ok. It won’t be ok now for I can no longer take it. I can’t forgive them. Not this time and for him to lie and say he was drugged. The dr told me it was purely alcohol. He also said he didn’t need rehab he needed to be out by tomorrow to go hunting with his alcoholic stepdad.

SparkleKitty

I went back and read your first post from four years ago. Seems like things have gone from bad to worse. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Dcct

You know I forgot all about this place. Maybe I should do the same

trailmix

Hi Dcct. As you no doubt know now, alcoholism is progressive. How he was before is not how he is now and it will continue to progress until, if ever, he decides to truly seek help and recovery.

That certainly doesn't seem to be the case right now.

As SK said, if you can live with what you have had to go through, you will probably find living alone peaceful for sure!

You are stronger than you know, although years of poor treatment will dent most people's self esteem and self worth. You and your child deserve so much better than this and I'm not just saying that. You should feel safe and happy with a partner, not worried, unsure if you are being lied to etc etc.

I also suggest making your way "home" to your family. It is very hard to determine how you will feel when you are right in the middle of a tornado, I'm sure it all seems very depressing and overwhelming. I think you will find you feel differently once you start taking the next right step for yourself.

Dcct

I had forgotten about this forum. I knew when I tried to create an account it said I had one. I went back and viewed my first post. I can’t believe my own eyes. I had forgotten so much. I guess I posted and never came back. I just got through reading all the reply’s from that post. The man that said ma’am there are plenty of men out there and you can choose your own life but said if you continue with this man I’ll see you back here in 10
years if you make it was heartbreaking to me. I didn’t make it 10 years I made it half that. Now here I am back but married. I had gotten so used to all this that it became my normal. Looking back on that post has really hit me. All the replies are dead on. I don’t know how to feel about this. Everyone was dead on. I didn’t listen then. I didn’t even come back to read replies. Now I’m in the situation they all said I’d be in. I’ve been finding the beer cans in trash again and again it’s someone else. Someone setting him up. It really hasn’t changed only gotten worse.

Seren

Hello again Dcct, I'm sorry things have progressed to this point!

I know it may not feel like it now, but you are strong enough and brave enough to make a wonderful life for yourself and your son. You can have joy in your life! Your son can grow to understand what a strong and capable woman can do to make a good life

I know this hurts, believe me. And I'm so sorry for the pain! Please stick close to SR. You will find so much support here.

Amaranth

Hello dcct
Please don't underestimate how strong you are. I never knew how strong I was until I needed to be. There are many stories posted here of strength and resilience. You are not alone.

LumenandNyx

Wow. The first word that comes to my mind after reading your post is CRAZYNESS! Him and his family. The lies, the sneaking, the stories, the THIS the THAT - screw all that crap. You've got a life to live and a child to raise!

I know it's hard now, but if you can manage to escape all of this - you might just look back on it someday and wonder how you ever GOT there in the first place. It looks very sick and twisted.

Trust me - life is too short for that sort of BS. Please - take your child and go.

If housing is an issue for you, there are sober living houses all across the country that allow mothers with children. All you have to tell them is that you have an issue with alcohol. Period.

velma929

You haven't been married that long. You moved only three years ago.
If you moved once, you could do it again. Honestly there is life after the relationship with the alcoholic ends. Good life. Peaceful life.