Returning home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 22
Returning home
Hi all,
This is my first post. Thanks to all who have shared their stories and experiences, they have greatly helped me over the years. I finally have some gumption to do this but I will keep it brief. My husband just completed his fifth stint in rehab for alcoholism and is now in a sober living facility. He is ready and begging to come back home to me and our little boys but after lots of work on myself and setting boundaries, I am just not ready for his return. He is sober, there are lots of glimmers of hope I see within him but there are still dark spots he needs to work through. He is pleading for me to give him a specific return date home and I have asked him (numerous times) to respect the time I also need to heal and recover from the damage he has caused over the years. Weeks or months are no comparison to the torturous years I’ve been through. Am I being unrealistic by not setting a firm date for his return?
This is my first post. Thanks to all who have shared their stories and experiences, they have greatly helped me over the years. I finally have some gumption to do this but I will keep it brief. My husband just completed his fifth stint in rehab for alcoholism and is now in a sober living facility. He is ready and begging to come back home to me and our little boys but after lots of work on myself and setting boundaries, I am just not ready for his return. He is sober, there are lots of glimmers of hope I see within him but there are still dark spots he needs to work through. He is pleading for me to give him a specific return date home and I have asked him (numerous times) to respect the time I also need to heal and recover from the damage he has caused over the years. Weeks or months are no comparison to the torturous years I’ve been through. Am I being unrealistic by not setting a firm date for his return?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ducky........the reality of the situation is that it could take him years to deal with the "dark spots" that he has to deal with----whether it is due to the alcoholism it's self....or, from other conditions that he might have in addition to the alcoholism. The "early recovery" period for the alcoholism, itself takes about one year for the alcoholic to get their bearings (not cure, as there is no cure for alcoholism--only keeping it in remission). To see real behavioral changes in the early recovery period can take 2--3--4---5 yrs., depending on who you talk to---and, of course, the individual alcoholic, themselves.
What is the possibility that he might be dealing with co-occurring condition(s) ?? That is not uncommon---especially when a person has many many rehab attempts with no long lasting results. It does, at least, raise the question.
Alcoholics---especially ones in early recovery, as opposed to genuine long term recovery---tend to want what they want, when they want it---regardless of the consequences on those around them.
What is the possibility that he might be dealing with co-occurring condition(s) ?? That is not uncommon---especially when a person has many many rehab attempts with no long lasting results. It does, at least, raise the question.
Alcoholics---especially ones in early recovery, as opposed to genuine long term recovery---tend to want what they want, when they want it---regardless of the consequences on those around them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 22
Dandelion, thank you for responding. He does have depression and anxiety that is being treated as well. When you say, they want what they want, when they want it is so true. But what if you are not ready to want the same thing? I am just asking for some time and respect as I sort through my bits. Is that too much to ask for? Am I not being understanding enough?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ducky-----this is your life (and your childrens lives) as much as it is his. You have the right, and responsibility to yourself, to decide what you want and are willing to live with. You are the only one whoi can decide what is right for yourself.
Here is how I look at it-----if you aren't ready when he is ready---then you should tell him "no--I am not ready". If he doesn't like that---then, that is his problem--his reaction to deal with. His side of the street.
We talk, around here, about the 3 C's.
You didn't Cause it-----You can't Cure it-----and, you can't Control it.
****By the way, as a word of warning----he may take the argument that he can't ever be sober if he can't be with you and the kids. I hope that you don't buy into that---and, take the guilt upon yourself. That would be like him putting the responsibility on Your shoulders, rather than his own.
On another note-----I think that after this many stints in rehab, you have been more than understanding,
Have you ever read "Co-dependent No More". If not, I suggest that you read it right away. I think a lot of it will resonate with you.
Here is how I look at it-----if you aren't ready when he is ready---then you should tell him "no--I am not ready". If he doesn't like that---then, that is his problem--his reaction to deal with. His side of the street.
We talk, around here, about the 3 C's.
You didn't Cause it-----You can't Cure it-----and, you can't Control it.
****By the way, as a word of warning----he may take the argument that he can't ever be sober if he can't be with you and the kids. I hope that you don't buy into that---and, take the guilt upon yourself. That would be like him putting the responsibility on Your shoulders, rather than his own.
On another note-----I think that after this many stints in rehab, you have been more than understanding,
Have you ever read "Co-dependent No More". If not, I suggest that you read it right away. I think a lot of it will resonate with you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello ducky,
If it helps, I don't think you are asking too much. You deserve your own space and peace, without pressure from him, to heal and move forward on your own before attempting to move forward with him.
If it helps, I don't think you are asking too much. You deserve your own space and peace, without pressure from him, to heal and move forward on your own before attempting to move forward with him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
HI Ducky12,
You are not being unrealistic by not setting a firm date for his return. You need to focus on yourself and the kids. He needs to focus on himself. You have let him back into your life 4 other times and he still goes back to alcohol. Until you feel ready to deal with the chance he could slip back after this fifth time you have every right not to set a date. you alone know when you will be ready to accept him back into your life. If he truly wants to get better, he will be patient with you and know that he needs to work on himself if he ever wants to show you that he deserves back into your life. Keep being strong and coming back here for help.
You are not being unrealistic by not setting a firm date for his return. You need to focus on yourself and the kids. He needs to focus on himself. You have let him back into your life 4 other times and he still goes back to alcohol. Until you feel ready to deal with the chance he could slip back after this fifth time you have every right not to set a date. you alone know when you will be ready to accept him back into your life. If he truly wants to get better, he will be patient with you and know that he needs to work on himself if he ever wants to show you that he deserves back into your life. Keep being strong and coming back here for help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I just want to pile on the validation that you are allowed the time and respect you desire. If he is unwilling to grant you that, it says a lot about him and how he values you as an individual and not just an extension of himself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Jumping on the bandwagon here with everyone else.
If you don't feel healed enough or ready enough to have him back in the house with you and the kids, then keep that door closed.
Trust your instincts. Be true to YOURSELF. Please don't allow him and his desires to take precedence over your own needs yet again. You danced that dance long enough. Now it's your turn to lead. You do what you need to do to get yourself healthy and he can deal with his stuff somewhere else for now.
Maybe your marriage will heal and work out, maybe it won't. But for right now, in this moment in time, if you need space, you take it. You earned it. The hard way. Once you both feel healthier as individuals, that will be the time to work on fixing what's broken in the relationship. You can't expect two people on shakey ground to fix up a strong foundation.
Again, please, trust your instincts on this.
If you don't feel healed enough or ready enough to have him back in the house with you and the kids, then keep that door closed.
Trust your instincts. Be true to YOURSELF. Please don't allow him and his desires to take precedence over your own needs yet again. You danced that dance long enough. Now it's your turn to lead. You do what you need to do to get yourself healthy and he can deal with his stuff somewhere else for now.
Maybe your marriage will heal and work out, maybe it won't. But for right now, in this moment in time, if you need space, you take it. You earned it. The hard way. Once you both feel healthier as individuals, that will be the time to work on fixing what's broken in the relationship. You can't expect two people on shakey ground to fix up a strong foundation.
Again, please, trust your instincts on this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Am I being unrealistic by not setting a firm date for his return?
No you are not.
These are the kinds of anxious questions that keep me stuck with the focus on the Alcoholic and their feelings and worry about them and their reactions.
Trust yourself! Your gut is telling you (wisely) that you are not ready. You have lived the experience of regret, lived the experience of being manipulated and lied to...and you have children to protect. The body keeps the score, listen to it.
Also whenever the As in my life are "pleading" for something, or in a big rush, it is a sign to me that they have, yet again, placed me at the center of something for THEIR mental benefit, so that I can become the blamed object, so that I am somehow responsible for their rage, their depression, their hurt feelings, and ultimately they can use me to justify their resentment and their drinking
It took me along time (lotta AlAnon and therapy!) to realize I didn't have to take on that mantle, was not in any way obliged by love or relationship to get on their merry-go-round. I could just say, without any excuses, arguing, or justification: "No. Sorry, I just can't do that. No. I am not doing that."
Keep building your peace of mind and exploring your gut feelings about what YOU want and need!!
Peace,
B.
No you are not.
These are the kinds of anxious questions that keep me stuck with the focus on the Alcoholic and their feelings and worry about them and their reactions.
Trust yourself! Your gut is telling you (wisely) that you are not ready. You have lived the experience of regret, lived the experience of being manipulated and lied to...and you have children to protect. The body keeps the score, listen to it.
Also whenever the As in my life are "pleading" for something, or in a big rush, it is a sign to me that they have, yet again, placed me at the center of something for THEIR mental benefit, so that I can become the blamed object, so that I am somehow responsible for their rage, their depression, their hurt feelings, and ultimately they can use me to justify their resentment and their drinking
It took me along time (lotta AlAnon and therapy!) to realize I didn't have to take on that mantle, was not in any way obliged by love or relationship to get on their merry-go-round. I could just say, without any excuses, arguing, or justification: "No. Sorry, I just can't do that. No. I am not doing that."
Keep building your peace of mind and exploring your gut feelings about what YOU want and need!!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 24
Thanks so much for your post. My AF is preparing to enter a sober living facility as he nears the end of his third stay at rehab.
You are NOT asking too much. It’s on him to show his commitment and change.
i can’t imagine what’s it’s been like to go through this with children. I hope you can stay strong in your boundaries. Hugs!
You are NOT asking too much. It’s on him to show his commitment and change.
i can’t imagine what’s it’s been like to go through this with children. I hope you can stay strong in your boundaries. Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 22
Thank you all so much for your responses. I am so appreciative. I needed these
re-affirmations today. This is such a wonderful and supportive community. I am going to hold strong. We recently entered marriage counseling and the therapist is pushing for me me to set a date and it just feels all wrong to me. He asked to start coming home on the weekends but I don’t know what I would tell my little boys, who were heartbroken when he left (there has been a great deal of work to get them into an okay place and I think his back and forth would heartbreak them). I have told him I don’t think it’s healthy for them and I am also not ready. He says my response has nothing to do with the kids but that I just don’t want him back. I’ve been very clear I just need respect and time to process this and ultimately they are my priority. I am trying to take the therapists advice here but I am struggling and it feels like a he said she said.
re-affirmations today. This is such a wonderful and supportive community. I am going to hold strong. We recently entered marriage counseling and the therapist is pushing for me me to set a date and it just feels all wrong to me. He asked to start coming home on the weekends but I don’t know what I would tell my little boys, who were heartbroken when he left (there has been a great deal of work to get them into an okay place and I think his back and forth would heartbreak them). I have told him I don’t think it’s healthy for them and I am also not ready. He says my response has nothing to do with the kids but that I just don’t want him back. I’ve been very clear I just need respect and time to process this and ultimately they are my priority. I am trying to take the therapists advice here but I am struggling and it feels like a he said she said.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I too hope you will listen to your own thoughts on this. I have been in a situation like you are - not similar but where someone kept trying to push me in to a situation I wasn't comfortable with. On and on it went and I was even trying to push myself but I couldn't get there! Well, I couldn't because of course, it was the wrong thing for me to do ultimately. That relationship basically ended because of that and of course that also turned out to be a good thing.
There is a reason you are thinking this way and you are absolutely entitled to your feelings and thoughts on it. I can understand the marriage counsellor pushing you for a date as he doesn't want to see your Husband "suffer". Well that's fine but he obviously doesn't understand addiction. I hope if you are going to continue counselling that you can find someone with addiction experience, no one else will understand it and your hesitancy.
There is a reason you are thinking this way and you are absolutely entitled to your feelings and thoughts on it. I can understand the marriage counsellor pushing you for a date as he doesn't want to see your Husband "suffer". Well that's fine but he obviously doesn't understand addiction. I hope if you are going to continue counselling that you can find someone with addiction experience, no one else will understand it and your hesitancy.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I've been through marital counseling before with my now ex-husband. Bear in mind, that they're oriented toward saving the marriage, and their advice will be geared toward that. With that said, I completely agree with trailmix in that it sounds like this particular counselor knows nothing abut addiction.
Last edited by Seren; 09-01-2020 at 05:29 AM. Reason: Can't spell today, apparently, lol!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
If my husband was an alcoholic while we were still married, he hid it well enough that I never knew. I understand from my former MIL that he drank problematically after the divorce. I did not at all have the same understanding of addiction and family dynamics at that time. So I can't really speak to being 'in recovery' and attending marital counseling at the same time. From what I understand after being a member of SR for several years, the addiction must be addressed prior to joint counseling.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 22
Thank you, the counselor seems to want rehash every aspect of our past, it’s honestly the last thing I want to do. I want to move forward, I want to focus on the future, I just need to be ready for it. Did marriage counseling work for anyone here in a similar situation?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by ducky12 
Thank you, the counselor seems to want rehash every aspect of our past, it’s honestly the last thing I want to do. I want to move forward, I want to focus on the future, I just need to be ready for it. Did marriage counseling work for anyone here in a similar situation?
Anyway, I haven't done this but one thing I have seen repeated over and over on this forum is that first of all both parties have to be willing (really willing) and secondly there is no point in marriage counselling if the person is still actively drinking.
You may find these older threads helpful, probably no use replying in them now but it will give you some idea of previous discussions.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ounseling.html (Marriage Counseling)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ng-update.html (Marriage Counseling Update)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ast-night.html (We had our first marriage counseling session last night)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ounseling.html (First day of marriage counseling)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rent-lens.html (Marriage Counseling w RAH but Thru a Different Lens...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...more-pain.html (Marriage Counseling and More PAIN)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ounseling.html (AH suggested marriage counseling...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ing-point.html (What's the Point of Marriage Counseling at this Point?)
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