ladyscribbler

Not actually her name, but it's close. Hello everyone, hope you are all well and thriving. Glad to see familiar faces, and that some new folks have found their way here for help, though the circumstances are less than ideal.

This is not strictly about alcoholism, but it deals with a lot of family of origin (foo) issues, including the massive inter-generational cycle of codependency which led me to choose alcoholic, abusive or otherwise unsuitable partners.

My Grandma Eva is my cool grandma, the fun one. The one who made me want to grow up to be like her. She's now living with pretty advanced dementia. My uncles dropped her off at my mom's house last year (they live about 1400 miles from here). I stayed with Grandma during the day while Mom was at work. She retired (as planned) a few months later and took over the primary caretaking role. I have been helping where I can.

I would appreciate some insight from anyone with experience who has taken care of an elderly relative. What would have been the most help to you during that time? I stay home with her while mom goes to appointments, etc, and was escorting her for outings a couple times a week, until c19 made that unsafe.
Thanks

Seren

Hey ladyscribbler, nice to see you

I've helped take care of my grandmother, mother-in-law, and mother. I suppose it would depend on what your grandmother can still do for herself as far as eating, bathing, etc. I realize with dementia, she can't be left alone. But what sort of day-to-day hygiene and personal care is she able to do for herself?

Sometimes the primary caregiver just wants a day off. Sometimes arranging grocery delivery or medication delivery can be quite welcome. Sometimes helping to organize the medication, keep track of when refills are due, keep track of upcoming doctor visits is really helpful.

LumenandNyx

Hi,
I used to live with my grandparents and my great grandmother. She was my grandma's mother and she also had dementia. I would look after her and make sure she didn't set the house on fire when my grandparents stepped out for - - - whatever they had going on at the time. She and I would play cards or watch TV together or take short walks down the street. She was a tiny thing - maybe 5' tall. I remember once, she was having a particularly bad day and she got irritated with me over something. She threatened to throw me through the living room window. Oh lordy, that was funny. She couldn't have weighed 90lbs. Bless. She was a great grandma.

ladyscribbler

Thank you. She's still got some abilities as far as cleaning up and dressing herself. My mom gets really stressed out and upset, but doesn't always reach out. (Guess that's where I got it from). I check in on them most days to make sure mom's coping. Sometimes I have to just go over there and tell mom to take a break while I hang out with grandma and mom showers or naps or researches care homes, lol. The "Shady Pines" days, I guess you'd say.

Seren

I feel for your Mom and anyone taking care of a parent. My sister and I were providing end-of-life care for our Mom who passed in April. The stress and anxiety over every decision we made or action we took was overwhelming. Constantly questioning ourselves. Getting very little sleep. It was such a relief when the nurses stopped by because we felt supported and encouraged. The weight was lifted just a bit.

I think just stopping in and providing those breaks is wonderful and, believe me, very helpful!

Bekindalways

I'm currently the full time caregiver for my 85 year old dad. We didn't plan this as my parents set themselves up in a graduated care facility 15 years ago. However Dad was on the brink of moving into Memory Care when the pandemic hit. We decided community living was too dangerous and then decided that the isolation from family that he would have to have now if he moved in would be too tough on him so I am still here.

It is huge that my siblings support me. I haven't had to make these decisions myself. I have done the in person work but the emotional support they provide is beyond price.

I would think as the Grandkid, you have a bit more distance in your relationship with your grandma. Mother/daughter relations tend to be way more intense. So besides just being there, being able to step in if they start to lose it with each other is HUGE!