My Brother is running out of time.
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My Brother is running out of time.
He’s been a drunk for nearly 15 years now. He currently drinks around 200 units a week. He’s gained a lot of weight (he forgets he’s eaten), can sleep, can’t breathe. Drinks till he passes out every nigh and it makes him angry all the time. I’m worried he’s going to die, soon, and I would really like that not to happen.
i feel like both I and his wife, and his kids have tried everything we can think of, really hard and nothing works. Everyone says he’s got to work it out for himself but what if he can’t or won’t, is that just too bad? Seems like If he was just going to have an epiphany “I’m ruining my life and killing myself” he would have done that by now he’s a college professor with 130+ IQ so pretty easy for hi to work out.
I’ve had my own struggles with addiction so I know it’s not that easy but it IS possible to make choices; I don’t see why he doesn’t want that.
All I do know is I don’t want to be at his funeral telling people I wish I could have done more now it’s too late because I can see that happening very soon, probably this year.
i feel like both I and his wife, and his kids have tried everything we can think of, really hard and nothing works. Everyone says he’s got to work it out for himself but what if he can’t or won’t, is that just too bad? Seems like If he was just going to have an epiphany “I’m ruining my life and killing myself” he would have done that by now he’s a college professor with 130+ IQ so pretty easy for hi to work out.
I’ve had my own struggles with addiction so I know it’s not that easy but it IS possible to make choices; I don’t see why he doesn’t want that.
All I do know is I don’t want to be at his funeral telling people I wish I could have done more now it’s too late because I can see that happening very soon, probably this year.
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Hey Unwound, I'm so sad to hear that his alcoholism is progressing. It is what happens unfortunately.
Sadly every single one of us here wishes that we could do something to fix the addiction in the ones we love. Although we all wish we could, most of us know it is impossible. Even if your brother did decide to stop drinking, he would best be helped by professionals and non-family members
As you have been around her awhile you have probably heard this old chestnut: "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.".
The more you pour yourself into the things you can change, the better you make the situation. You can take care of yourself and be there for his children.
May all the angels of the universe dive bomb you and your family.
Originally Posted by Unwound 
All I do know is I don’t want to be at his funeral telling people I wish I could have done more now it’s too late because I can see that happening very soon, probably this year.
As you have been around her awhile you have probably heard this old chestnut: "You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.".
The more you pour yourself into the things you can change, the better you make the situation. You can take care of yourself and be there for his children.
May all the angels of the universe dive bomb you and your family.
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Originally Posted by Unwound
i feel like both I and his wife, and his kids have tried everything we can think of, really hard and nothing works. Everyone says he’s got to work it out for himself but what if he can’t or won’t, is that just too bad? ... I don’t see why he doesn’t want that.
I'm sorry to say that if he won't seek help or decide to get sober on his own, there's really nothing anyone else can do. No one can want his sobriety for him and no one can get sober for him. Everyone was telling you the truth.
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unwiound-----My heart goes out to you. I don't know where you live---I am in the States. In some places, here. it is possible to have a person involuntarily committed. You would have to talk to a lawyer to inform you how to go about it. Another option is to call the local AA organization and ask for a person (from AA) to do a "!2 th. Step" visit to him. Sometines, another alcoholic can reach them when no one else can.
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Thanks to everyone for taking the time; I was lying awake until 3am stressing about this.
I know he’s got to want to change for it to really happen but what if he doesn’t realise in time and dies before that happens? He’s been so damn lucky so many times he could have died at least a few time already and him dying isn’t an acceptable outcome for me! To just go “Hey Ho, what a shame he didn’t want to change.”, I can’t do it.
Im in the UK and so he can’t be committed against his will at least for acholism which is bonkers because he is just as mentally ill as anyone else with a chronic condition. If he was stabbing himself in the chest each evening then would lock him up and restrain to protect him from himself but doing something just as dangerous like drinking 2L of vodka is a “social problem”. I didn’t used to think that but I’ve come around to it over the years. Anyway none of that helps me, even if I got him committed he could just sign himself out and I know he would.
He won’t talk about it, or even acknowledge he has a problem and time is just running out, he’s not going to keep being lucky much longer.
I know he’s got to want to change for it to really happen but what if he doesn’t realise in time and dies before that happens? He’s been so damn lucky so many times he could have died at least a few time already and him dying isn’t an acceptable outcome for me! To just go “Hey Ho, what a shame he didn’t want to change.”, I can’t do it.
Im in the UK and so he can’t be committed against his will at least for acholism which is bonkers because he is just as mentally ill as anyone else with a chronic condition. If he was stabbing himself in the chest each evening then would lock him up and restrain to protect him from himself but doing something just as dangerous like drinking 2L of vodka is a “social problem”. I didn’t used to think that but I’ve come around to it over the years. Anyway none of that helps me, even if I got him committed he could just sign himself out and I know he would.
He won’t talk about it, or even acknowledge he has a problem and time is just running out, he’s not going to keep being lucky much longer.
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Its really hard to accept that someone you love is on a self destructive path.
I wish we could love them into wellness but it just doesn't seem to work that way.
You can speak with him, let him know how scared you are for him,and how you'll help anytime he shows any interest in quitting...
It may help you feel better about your effort, but you may not get the reception or the results you want.
I know it sucks but addiction is illogical.
I was the alcoholic.
I had no intention of dying, but I had no intention of stopping either...I blew off everyone who cared or tried to help - and the good thing was that actually helped me in the end because I had to dig my own way out.
I was lucky because drinking nearly killed me... but not quite.
I had a window of clarity.
Some of us do recover.
I hope your brother will have his window of clarity too.
I'll pray for you both.
D
I wish we could love them into wellness but it just doesn't seem to work that way.
You can speak with him, let him know how scared you are for him,and how you'll help anytime he shows any interest in quitting...
It may help you feel better about your effort, but you may not get the reception or the results you want.
I know it sucks but addiction is illogical.
I was the alcoholic.
I had no intention of dying, but I had no intention of stopping either...I blew off everyone who cared or tried to help - and the good thing was that actually helped me in the end because I had to dig my own way out.
I was lucky because drinking nearly killed me... but not quite.
I had a window of clarity.
Some of us do recover.
I hope your brother will have his window of clarity too.
I'll pray for you both.
D
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Hello Unwound
I'm so sorry to read about your brother. And yes, it is the worst thing to be so helpless against a liquid, right? My stepson drank and used a variety of drugs for years. I also have various family members who are alcoholics. Over time, there has been no amount of my pleading, arguing, providing evidence, loving patience, or outright begging that has changed a single action of the addicted people I love.
Even though watching someone I love be completely self-destructive is so painful, accepting that I couldn't do anything was all that I had left. The alternative was for me to become just as ill, raging about the alcoholics in my life and running around trying to force them to get sober "for their sake". When really, it was for my sake--to assuage the fear, obligation, guilt, and lack of control I felt over the situation. As horrid as this sounds when applied to out-of-control addicts, adults of free will are allowed to lead their lives as they see fit.
I am so sorry for the pain--I know it well. Please do come here and vent or ask questions or just read as much as you need. We get it.
I'm so sorry to read about your brother. And yes, it is the worst thing to be so helpless against a liquid, right? My stepson drank and used a variety of drugs for years. I also have various family members who are alcoholics. Over time, there has been no amount of my pleading, arguing, providing evidence, loving patience, or outright begging that has changed a single action of the addicted people I love.
Even though watching someone I love be completely self-destructive is so painful, accepting that I couldn't do anything was all that I had left. The alternative was for me to become just as ill, raging about the alcoholics in my life and running around trying to force them to get sober "for their sake". When really, it was for my sake--to assuage the fear, obligation, guilt, and lack of control I felt over the situation. As horrid as this sounds when applied to out-of-control addicts, adults of free will are allowed to lead their lives as they see fit.
I am so sorry for the pain--I know it well. Please do come here and vent or ask questions or just read as much as you need. We get it.
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Laws are similar here in the States. There are good reasons committing someone to a psychiatric institution is a difficult process (can't torpedo somebody's career, take away his/her freedom or get custody of your children by claiming someone is mentally ill).
Drinking makes some people irritable, and when people are hungover they're irritable, too
No, it's not "just too bad." It's tragic.
He may *want* it very much, or maybe he doesn't. At some point in one's addiction, it ceases to be a choice. For some people, it was only a choice the first time.
People who understand this battle will know that quitting an addiction is an inside job. Those that don't understand and blame his loved ones for his demise can pound sand.
Originally Posted by Unwound
He’s been a drunk for nearly 15 years now. Drinks till he passes out every nigh and it makes him angry all the time...
Originally Posted by Unwound
Everyone says he’s got to work it out for himself but what if he can’t or won’t, is that just too bad?...
Originally Posted by Unwound
I’ve had my own struggles with addiction so I know it’s not that easy but it IS possible to make choices; I don’t see why he doesn’t want that...
Originally Posted by Unwound
All I do know is I don’t want to be at his funeral telling people I wish I could have done more now it’s too late...
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Originally Posted by Unwound
I know he’s got to want to change for it to really happen but what if he doesn’t realise in time and dies before that happens? He’s been so damn lucky so many times he could have died at least a few time already and him dying isn’t an acceptable outcome for me! To just go “Hey Ho, what a shame he didn’t want to change.”, I can’t do it.
I think of addiction like a non-physical tsunami. I remember the Japanese tsunami in 2011. It is nature and it happens. You can get out of its way or not. We, here on SR's Friends and Family forum, often say, "Let go or be dragged."
Unwound, your first step towards accepting your brother is choosing to drink, destroy his life and eventually die might be realizing that you are not ready to accept his choice yet. It does take time to work through this reality. None of us here understood the reality of alcoholism right away and even less do we come to any kind of emotional peace with it right away.
Please let us know how you get on. What you are going through is excruciating.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I also wanted to take a minute to point you in the direction of the "stickies" at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. These are posts that are permanently pinned to the top of the forum, and they contain a lot of very useful and eye-opening information. There is one in particular that I thought might help. I have posted the link below:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...l-problem.html (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...l-problem.html (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)
the girl can't help it
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You are a good and loving sister..
I have seen some very pathetic people in my own family. I know how hard it is to be on the outside looking in on the horrors of addiction especially when it is someone we love so much.
Just about the only thing I have ever seem that has a chance of working is for us to stop begging them to take care of them selves. If the pass out in the front yard don't pick them up just walk around them. Be cordial with them if they are in the room but continue conversations without any reference to their addiction. When we beg them to quit the demon that is addiction is sucking the life out of us too it actually makes it harder for them to quit. It is very important for us co=dependents to take good care of out selves so we don't get as sick as they are. Detach with love it is not unkind to do so. I am not them no matter how close I hold them in my heart.
Good news today is the worst addict of them all in my family is finally clean! This 6 foot tall man weighed 120 lbs, had lost every tooth in his head and, was at deaths door. He got busted and was sent to prison we just about had to hog tie my ailing mother to keep her from trying to bail him out. She died while he was in prison. She kept saying she would never see him again. That was really sad to see her cry over it. He was in prison in another state and mom was too frail to go see him. After 40 years of hard core addiction and multiple prison terms he finally has a job making good money. He got a really good set of dentures and is a normal weight for a man his size.he is a walking breathing recovery factory now. He got clean for the first time in prison and while there he made it a point to hang out with the younger guys and tel them his story and help them get clean. It is still possible to get drunk and high in prisons but he showed these young guys how to avoid it. Several of them are out now and my brother is the first person they called to help them make the transition. It is amazing I never thought my brother could get well. I never stopped praying for him though. I prayed for a miracle and finally it happened. I have lost others who did not seem as bad as my brother they were his loved one too but he just kept digging far longer than I ever could understand.
Sometimes they have to lose everything before they can quit and sometimes it doesn't matter what they lose it will just becomes another excuse. I hope your brother can make it out but even he he doesn't remember it is not your fault. I'.m going to add your brother to my prayer list.
.
I have seen some very pathetic people in my own family. I know how hard it is to be on the outside looking in on the horrors of addiction especially when it is someone we love so much.
Just about the only thing I have ever seem that has a chance of working is for us to stop begging them to take care of them selves. If the pass out in the front yard don't pick them up just walk around them. Be cordial with them if they are in the room but continue conversations without any reference to their addiction. When we beg them to quit the demon that is addiction is sucking the life out of us too it actually makes it harder for them to quit. It is very important for us co=dependents to take good care of out selves so we don't get as sick as they are. Detach with love it is not unkind to do so. I am not them no matter how close I hold them in my heart.
Good news today is the worst addict of them all in my family is finally clean! This 6 foot tall man weighed 120 lbs, had lost every tooth in his head and, was at deaths door. He got busted and was sent to prison we just about had to hog tie my ailing mother to keep her from trying to bail him out. She died while he was in prison. She kept saying she would never see him again. That was really sad to see her cry over it. He was in prison in another state and mom was too frail to go see him. After 40 years of hard core addiction and multiple prison terms he finally has a job making good money. He got a really good set of dentures and is a normal weight for a man his size.he is a walking breathing recovery factory now. He got clean for the first time in prison and while there he made it a point to hang out with the younger guys and tel them his story and help them get clean. It is still possible to get drunk and high in prisons but he showed these young guys how to avoid it. Several of them are out now and my brother is the first person they called to help them make the transition. It is amazing I never thought my brother could get well. I never stopped praying for him though. I prayed for a miracle and finally it happened. I have lost others who did not seem as bad as my brother they were his loved one too but he just kept digging far longer than I ever could understand.
Sometimes they have to lose everything before they can quit and sometimes it doesn't matter what they lose it will just becomes another excuse. I hope your brother can make it out but even he he doesn't remember it is not your fault. I'.m going to add your brother to my prayer list.
.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Wow, this speaks to me.
I lost my brother to alcoholism last December.
Wait - actually I lost him years before but he was physically present until December.
I tried everything, I bought him a 5th wheel so he wouldn't be homeless.
I gave him money and groceries and clothes etc.
Now - Tim was filled with terminal cancer for the last 3 years along with many other health problems.
He could not quit, nor did he ever have the desire to.
I still have guilt feelings - although logically I know I could not have lived his life FOR him.
Being in this situation stinks.
Do not beat yourself up, do not future trip and realize that nobody can save him but himself.
Take a look back at my roller coaster ride.
My brother was one of the kindest souls you could ever meet, he just didn't want to change - HE chose the route that led to his death, no one else.
I lost my brother to alcoholism last December.
Wait - actually I lost him years before but he was physically present until December.
I tried everything, I bought him a 5th wheel so he wouldn't be homeless.
I gave him money and groceries and clothes etc.
Now - Tim was filled with terminal cancer for the last 3 years along with many other health problems.
He could not quit, nor did he ever have the desire to.
I still have guilt feelings - although logically I know I could not have lived his life FOR him.
Being in this situation stinks.
Do not beat yourself up, do not future trip and realize that nobody can save him but himself.
Take a look back at my roller coaster ride.
My brother was one of the kindest souls you could ever meet, he just didn't want to change - HE chose the route that led to his death, no one else.
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I'm going to preface my response with a reassurance that I know everyone here writes from a place of love and support and I thank your for that. If I seem angry at you, I am not, I am just raging at: the situation, at him for being so selfish, at me for being so ineffective, at his wife for sometimes enabling him because even though she knows it makes worse she loves him so much and she is just trying to live her life with her kids and have him in it. So all that being said, lower your emotional blast-shield and continue...
I find it very frustrating people treat it like a terminal disease, like there's nothing we can do and it just has to run its course until he wants to change. I could, (not that I'm going to, so please don't worry), lock him in a room with no booze for a month and get him to sober up.I think once he did he might get the perspecitive he needs to change and while he might hate me for doing that, he would have the luxury of being alive to do so.
About 4 years ago I came here for the first time to deal with my own problems with alcohol (or really other problems which I was trying to avoid with alcohol). I didn't turn my life over to God, there was no transfiguration, I didn't go to meetings every month and I don't now. I talked to some people on here who gave me the right help and advice to confirm what really I already knew: I needed to change and stop drinking, so I did. It wasn't easy, it took a long time but I CHOSE. I could see the carnage and chaos that lay down the road and made a choice to not do that. I do not understand why he cannot do the same thing, we are very similar people. I'm not anti-AA I recognise it helps millions of people and I'm happy for them; I'm a pragmatist, whatever works.
He's where he is now and he is still choosing to keep all this going. Sounds awful but I really wish his wife would pack up the kids and go (I've offered to put them up at my house); I harbour this hope it would shock him into doing something. She doesn't because she's worried it would make him worse and without her there he probably would die. But just by clearing up the mess and stopping him choking and keeping the family together she is making it easier for him to continue. She might be right though, if she went he might just look it as an opportunity to drink more 24/7 which could well be the case and that could finish him off.
I feel treating it like cancer is wrong: Nobody chooses to get cancer, people don't willingly inflict cancer on themselves every night to hide from their problems. While I understand addiction plays a part and your perspective gets messed up while you are a drunk (from personal experience) there is still a part of you with drinking that every time is saying "I choose to do this.", in the same way that every day I make the decision to stay sober; I could go out and buy booze whenever I want and start drinking again but I don't.
Thanks to everyone for your support and sorry for the rant but I think I needed to get that out.
I find it very frustrating people treat it like a terminal disease, like there's nothing we can do and it just has to run its course until he wants to change. I could, (not that I'm going to, so please don't worry), lock him in a room with no booze for a month and get him to sober up.I think once he did he might get the perspecitive he needs to change and while he might hate me for doing that, he would have the luxury of being alive to do so.
About 4 years ago I came here for the first time to deal with my own problems with alcohol (or really other problems which I was trying to avoid with alcohol). I didn't turn my life over to God, there was no transfiguration, I didn't go to meetings every month and I don't now. I talked to some people on here who gave me the right help and advice to confirm what really I already knew: I needed to change and stop drinking, so I did. It wasn't easy, it took a long time but I CHOSE. I could see the carnage and chaos that lay down the road and made a choice to not do that. I do not understand why he cannot do the same thing, we are very similar people. I'm not anti-AA I recognise it helps millions of people and I'm happy for them; I'm a pragmatist, whatever works.
He's where he is now and he is still choosing to keep all this going. Sounds awful but I really wish his wife would pack up the kids and go (I've offered to put them up at my house); I harbour this hope it would shock him into doing something. She doesn't because she's worried it would make him worse and without her there he probably would die. But just by clearing up the mess and stopping him choking and keeping the family together she is making it easier for him to continue. She might be right though, if she went he might just look it as an opportunity to drink more 24/7 which could well be the case and that could finish him off.
I feel treating it like cancer is wrong: Nobody chooses to get cancer, people don't willingly inflict cancer on themselves every night to hide from their problems. While I understand addiction plays a part and your perspective gets messed up while you are a drunk (from personal experience) there is still a part of you with drinking that every time is saying "I choose to do this.", in the same way that every day I make the decision to stay sober; I could go out and buy booze whenever I want and start drinking again but I don't.
Thanks to everyone for your support and sorry for the rant but I think I needed to get that out.
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unwound------I understand your anger and your feelings of helplessness. I think that most of us on this forum have felt like that regarding our qualifier.
Just for the record-------I did mention two possibilities that might be constructive---and I did not say anything about being terminal. Some other posters did indicate hope.
I think that everyone on this forum would love to see your brother do a turn about. I sincerely mean that---as ;my heart goes out to you..
Just for the record-------I did mention two possibilities that might be constructive---and I did not say anything about being terminal. Some other posters did indicate hope.
I think that everyone on this forum would love to see your brother do a turn about. I sincerely mean that---as ;my heart goes out to you..
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Personally I would never equate addiction to some terminal disease simply because the addict has so much agency and so much impact on the outcome.
I know some people with cancer who would love to be able to simply change something in their life, simply stop doing something and not have cancer anymore.
Both you and I found that window of clarity I was talking about - but it took us both a long time (I went back and reacquainted myself with your posts on 'the other side')
I don't know about you but I ruined a lot of relationships (and a lot of other things) because I was unwilling to stop drinking, and right to the end I was still in two minds about what I needed to do.
In the end the only thing that bought real lasting change was when I decided I'd had enough and decided to do things differently.
That's what I think people are trying to get at here - not that the outlook is irredeemably hopeless - many do recover including you and I - but that recovery is a change that grows from within, it can't be imposed.
I'm sorry I know that's not what a loving sibling wants to hear - I understand your fear about what might happen.
I can't give you any guarantees and it would be silly of me to do so....but if love counts for anything your brother has the makings of a good familial support system should he choose to use it.
I can't really add to the advice I gave in my last post - except to say I hope you read a little about Al Anon - it may help.
I hope your bro will be one of the recovery success stories we celebrate here one day, I really do.
D
I know some people with cancer who would love to be able to simply change something in their life, simply stop doing something and not have cancer anymore.
Both you and I found that window of clarity I was talking about - but it took us both a long time (I went back and reacquainted myself with your posts on 'the other side')
I don't know about you but I ruined a lot of relationships (and a lot of other things) because I was unwilling to stop drinking, and right to the end I was still in two minds about what I needed to do.
In the end the only thing that bought real lasting change was when I decided I'd had enough and decided to do things differently.
That's what I think people are trying to get at here - not that the outlook is irredeemably hopeless - many do recover including you and I - but that recovery is a change that grows from within, it can't be imposed.
I'm sorry I know that's not what a loving sibling wants to hear - I understand your fear about what might happen.
I can't give you any guarantees and it would be silly of me to do so....but if love counts for anything your brother has the makings of a good familial support system should he choose to use it.
I can't really add to the advice I gave in my last post - except to say I hope you read a little about Al Anon - it may help.
I hope your bro will be one of the recovery success stories we celebrate here one day, I really do.
D
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Well, I don't think anyone on this thread pushed AA (just mentioned as a mini-intervention option) or equated addiction to cancer. It's not cancer. I just lost my Mom in April after a 35 year struggle with breast cancer.
I agree with dandylion and Dee. All of us on the Friends and Family side would be overjoyed if our loved one's and your brother turned it around -- that they would not be so self-destructive. It truly is our own powerlessness over their choices and actions that we are trying to convey. Even your own story is telling of what it takes for an alcoholic or addict to recover...personal choice.
You chose, and you did what worked for you to obtain and maintain sobriety. Alcoholics and addicts do recover all the time through a variety of methods. SR members are an example of how some people chose a single method and some combine a variety of elements from counseling to groups to just using a forum like SR. I wouldn't care if my family members used the pink grapefruit and bubble gum recovery plan if it worked for them. But they will eventually have to choose sobriety in order for any plan/program/counseling (whatever) to work.
As siblings, I believe that's true. But he is not you. And yes, he can do it if he so chooses.
If you read the link that I shared earlier, it does go through some of the things that can provide the best environment for an active alcoholic or addict to come to that decision. It's a link that you might share with your sister-in-law, too. It helps when family members are all 'on the same page'.
And your frustration? Yeah....we get it. Vent away all you need.
I agree with dandylion and Dee. All of us on the Friends and Family side would be overjoyed if our loved one's and your brother turned it around -- that they would not be so self-destructive. It truly is our own powerlessness over their choices and actions that we are trying to convey. Even your own story is telling of what it takes for an alcoholic or addict to recover...personal choice.
Originally Posted by Unwound
It wasn't easy, it took a long time but I CHOSE.
Originally Posted by Unwound
I do not understand why he cannot do the same thing, we are very similar people.
If you read the link that I shared earlier, it does go through some of the things that can provide the best environment for an active alcoholic or addict to come to that decision. It's a link that you might share with your sister-in-law, too. It helps when family members are all 'on the same page'.
And your frustration? Yeah....we get it. Vent away all you need.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Heya Unwound.
I will plead guilty to seeing addiction as a terminal disease as for many it truly is . I know I was gloom and doom in my post.
On the other hand, many do choose to get sober and make recovery stick for their entire lives. This does indeed happen for many.
My qualifier was a meth addict. He was brilliant, sensitive and an all around amazing person. He refused to get help and said he would just quit on his own. I left as I was pretty sure he would die. He wound up dealing drugs and went to jail for 3 years; it was the locked in a room thingy and it actually worked. He got sober and as far as I know has been sober some 25-30 years now.
Alcoholism isn't like cancer in that addiction is a disease of choice. People can choose to get better and do every day. Where alcoholism is different is in what friends and family need to do to be constructive. For cancer or any terminal illness, community gathers around and provides help and support. For addiction, we all need to get out of the way and hope the natural consequences bring the alcoholic to a place where they choose sobriety.
I don't find the getting out of the way thing to be intuitive. At the time, with my qualifier, leaving him to his addiction felt like doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia. Decades later, it is still the hardest thing I have ever done. However, after my qualifier got sober, he told me I did the absolute right thing. I want to think that my leaving helped save his life. I will never know how much if at all what I did changed his course but I know I did the right thing.
All of us here have watched someone we love self destruct. It is beyond beyond painful. Please please vent all you want.
I will plead guilty to seeing addiction as a terminal disease as for many it truly is . I know I was gloom and doom in my post.
On the other hand, many do choose to get sober and make recovery stick for their entire lives. This does indeed happen for many.
My qualifier was a meth addict. He was brilliant, sensitive and an all around amazing person. He refused to get help and said he would just quit on his own. I left as I was pretty sure he would die. He wound up dealing drugs and went to jail for 3 years; it was the locked in a room thingy and it actually worked. He got sober and as far as I know has been sober some 25-30 years now.
Alcoholism isn't like cancer in that addiction is a disease of choice. People can choose to get better and do every day. Where alcoholism is different is in what friends and family need to do to be constructive. For cancer or any terminal illness, community gathers around and provides help and support. For addiction, we all need to get out of the way and hope the natural consequences bring the alcoholic to a place where they choose sobriety.
I don't find the getting out of the way thing to be intuitive. At the time, with my qualifier, leaving him to his addiction felt like doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia. Decades later, it is still the hardest thing I have ever done. However, after my qualifier got sober, he told me I did the absolute right thing. I want to think that my leaving helped save his life. I will never know how much if at all what I did changed his course but I know I did the right thing.
All of us here have watched someone we love self destruct. It is beyond beyond painful. Please please vent all you want.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: Flyover Country
Posts: 45
I'm so sorry, unwound. My brother is also an alcoholic. After a particularly severe episode, where he ended up in the hospital for many weeks and barely survived, followed by continued drinking as soon as he was released, I thought for sure that he would not survive another six months. Every day I was sure I would get a call from my parents. But it has been nearly three years, he is not sober, and he is still alive. I figure, while he's still alive, there's still hope for him.
But his choices were a torment to me. I could not understand how he could do this to himself, to his family. He is an extremely smart guy, he could have done anything with his life, and he has chosen to live with my parents, no job, no friends, and feeding a serious addiction. For a while I could not stop thinking about him, texting him, strategizing with my parents, trying to find some way to get through to him. The thought that he could die, and that we had not done all we could - especially when it was so simple! just quit drinking! - started to become obsessive. It was interfering with my life, starting to impact my ability to do my job. Finally I decided that I needed a break, and I cut contact with him (and with my parents, who struggle with addiction themselves). I figured I would reengage when I felt that I could do so without damaging my mental health. And...I have not spoken to any of them since. I miss them terribly, but I've decided that I'm not capable of having that madness in my life. My life is much more peaceful without them in it.
I'm not suggesting you cut contact with your brother...but you might consider distancing yourself a bit, temporarily, just to give yourself some mental breathing room. Having this space (along with a few AlAnon meetings and lots of SR reading) really helped me to gain perspective, and finally really understand that I could not help him until he wanted help, and that his life choices were his to make (just as my life choices are my own). This took me many months to absorb, though. I guess I'm still absorbing it, actually. I've had other family members judge me harshly for this (why don't you try to help him, how can you give up on him, etc.), but I refuse to get pulled back into the quicksand.
I still think of him every day, and I still hope he will turn his life around. Some days I still get really sad over it, but mostly I'm able to live my life and not be overwhelmed by my inability to save him.
But his choices were a torment to me. I could not understand how he could do this to himself, to his family. He is an extremely smart guy, he could have done anything with his life, and he has chosen to live with my parents, no job, no friends, and feeding a serious addiction. For a while I could not stop thinking about him, texting him, strategizing with my parents, trying to find some way to get through to him. The thought that he could die, and that we had not done all we could - especially when it was so simple! just quit drinking! - started to become obsessive. It was interfering with my life, starting to impact my ability to do my job. Finally I decided that I needed a break, and I cut contact with him (and with my parents, who struggle with addiction themselves). I figured I would reengage when I felt that I could do so without damaging my mental health. And...I have not spoken to any of them since. I miss them terribly, but I've decided that I'm not capable of having that madness in my life. My life is much more peaceful without them in it.
I'm not suggesting you cut contact with your brother...but you might consider distancing yourself a bit, temporarily, just to give yourself some mental breathing room. Having this space (along with a few AlAnon meetings and lots of SR reading) really helped me to gain perspective, and finally really understand that I could not help him until he wanted help, and that his life choices were his to make (just as my life choices are my own). This took me many months to absorb, though. I guess I'm still absorbing it, actually. I've had other family members judge me harshly for this (why don't you try to help him, how can you give up on him, etc.), but I refuse to get pulled back into the quicksand.
I still think of him every day, and I still hope he will turn his life around. Some days I still get really sad over it, but mostly I'm able to live my life and not be overwhelmed by my inability to save him.
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