Juneberries

M
So, my ex-fiancé for three years was so verbally abusive when intoxicated, calling me the “c” word, crazy bitch, nutcase, etc. I always forgave him because when he was sober he was loving. But he drank every day; for hours and hours in the bars, and when intoxicated I would not dare to challenge him in even the most minor events. One time when I didn’t order a pizza late at night when he came home; I was sleeping! ...he said you can’t order food for your working man, what are you ******* stupid, I work all day (8 hours) and you are part time (6 hours), and you are such a lazy ass you can’t order a pizza for me? Then the next day I would withdraw from him, and that made him more furious. So I ordered a pizza for him (after he woke me up). I went back to bed. When the pizza came, he woke me up again to answer the door. After the delivery person left, he was in a rage. I ran out of the room, and he chased me. He put his head through a window, and put a two-inch gash on his forehead. He needed medical treatment, but refused. Blood everywhere. Flesh was floating in the bathtub. The next day he apologized when sober. Most of the time I couldn’t even have the guts to read his vile texts.

I was so in deep in denial that this relationship was so toxic and abusive, that it took all my strength to leave him. I literally was so co-dependent that I almost wanted to die than move apart from him. I was confused by the love-bombing “I love you, Rachael...it was destiny that we met...” The endearments, the “love of my life.” And yes, there were many content and happy days, but as the relationship progressed, so did the abuse! I’m out on my own, with no desire for another relationship for a long time. But it literally took all my emotional and mental strength to leave him!

dandylion

Rachel----thank you for sharing your experience in this and your other very informative posting, Thankfully, you had enough self esteem left, after so much abuse, that you were able to exit the relationship.
How would you like for us to be of support to you, now? You sound like you have had some familiarity of co-dependency, already. What other kinds of support do you have, right now?

Juneberries

I’m grateful for any support that comes my way. I’m still grappling with grief (one can grieve for the loss of a relationship, even if it was toxic). I felt a connection with him that I never felt with anyone; we grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same Catholic private neighborhood school, have many mutual friends). I remember seeing him on his dirt bike at my house, with my brother, when he was 14-years-old, and now it comes to this—a threat on his part to get a restraining order-I only contacted him twice in 9 months; my name was on his utility bill, and needed to be removed, and texting him condolences on the death of his brother. I changed my phone number and removed my phone service from his account. I used a disposable phone no. to send my condolences; one that is used only on a temporary basis! Therefore, he doesn’t have my new number. He wanted to reconcile before I moved out; I said no! He is angry! A package I ordered online ended up at his house (my old address); I found it thrown on his front lawn. He did that! It’s all very sad, but I guess predictable, as well! I just had no clue! He refuses to give me my personal belongings (furniture, expensive bike, money, etc.), so I finally just told him to keep them; telling him I am cutting my losses here, and don’t contact me! But, I’m still grieving!

dandylion

June----Of course, you are going to go through a grieving process. Many of us, here, on the forum have gone through the grieving process over the loss of a relationship that turned out other than what we expected that it would. I actually think that grieving a toxic relationship can be more complicated than a "normal" one.

We have an extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones, here, in the sticky section, above the regular threads. I am going to give you a convenient link to the library section of the stickies. I suggest that you read one every day, and digest it----we have over 100 excellent articles!

Here is that link--------------------------------------


https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

trailmix

Hi June, glad you found us. Yes, it is understandable that you are grieving. I sometimes think that dysfunctional relationships are harder to separate from (even after you have left) because the dysfunction becomes the center of your life. How do you fix this, what is he/she thinking?, what can I do to repair this, what's going to happen tonight! Then, usually suddenly, that's gone. The worry, the confusion. Then what? What fills that void in your life?

I would suggest anything! except him (well almost anything lol). To take care of yourself, pamper yourself, take walks, clear your mind, look at the relationship as it truly was. Make a list of all the terrible things he ever said to you or did. Refer to that list when you get to the - well it wasn't ALL bad type of thinking. Well yes, it was all bad. You can't have someone calling you the "c" word and then just sweep that under the rug and carry on with your day like nothing happened.

The things he said and did to you are very hurtful, rather traumatic and you need to recover from that, for sure.

I would also recommend a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. I think sometimes it helps to identify behaviours in advance so when we see them a red flag shows us we are on the wrong path?

I hope you are feeling a bit better each day.

LumenandNyx

From the way you worded your post, I'm reminded that it can be as hard for a loved one to walk away from the addict as it can be for the addict to walk away from their drug of choice.

And our opportunities to learn and grow just keep coming!!

It looks like you did it. High Five!!

Juneberries

What insight! Thank you for that!!!!😊♥️