Malevolent texts
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Malevolent texts
What is it about AH that when he drinks he likes to try to upset me via text? I got two texts while he was in the same house as me. One was talking about food delivery workers striking due to unfair working conditions. I believe he sent that to shame me for using Instacart et al to feed all six of us (DURING A QUARANTINE). The other was to tell me about a big COVID cluster outbreak due to violating quarantine that is near to where my elderly mom lives. He even pointed out how close it is to where she lives. This isn’t the first time he’s sent malevolent texts while drinking, under the guise of “sharing news.”
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pizza.....I know how upsetting these kinds of messages/arguments can be....and, I know it feels very personal to you.....
You ask what it is about him....well, it is the alcohol. Alcohol affects all aspects of the brain...and, one very...very important part is the frontal cortex area...in the front just behind the forehead. That is the thinking area...where judgement is located. Alcohol does a job on the frontal cortex...
Nobody thinks the same when they are sober, as when they are drunk! Nobody. It affects judgement and thinking processes.
I can sympathize with you, as I was as upset, tonight as badly as I can remember. My adult son and I had an argument on the phone about the bill that was just passed by Congress giving financial support to those affected by the virus. It was such an intense argument that it looks like that our relationship has been torn apart by it.
It feels like someone has taken a machetti to my heart.
But...I wish I could blame it on the alcohol...I can't. He is totally sober and knows exactly what he said.
Another thing...alcoholics love to project their anger o nto others...as well as project blame for EVERYTHING on others.
Anger can be "justified" as a reason to drink...and, anger can be unleashed (by the frontal cortex) when drinking.....
You have all my empathy....
You ask what it is about him....well, it is the alcohol. Alcohol affects all aspects of the brain...and, one very...very important part is the frontal cortex area...in the front just behind the forehead. That is the thinking area...where judgement is located. Alcohol does a job on the frontal cortex...
Nobody thinks the same when they are sober, as when they are drunk! Nobody. It affects judgement and thinking processes.
I can sympathize with you, as I was as upset, tonight as badly as I can remember. My adult son and I had an argument on the phone about the bill that was just passed by Congress giving financial support to those affected by the virus. It was such an intense argument that it looks like that our relationship has been torn apart by it.
It feels like someone has taken a machetti to my heart.
But...I wish I could blame it on the alcohol...I can't. He is totally sober and knows exactly what he said.
Another thing...alcoholics love to project their anger o nto others...as well as project blame for EVERYTHING on others.
Anger can be "justified" as a reason to drink...and, anger can be unleashed (by the frontal cortex) when drinking.....
You have all my empathy....
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Pizza, are experiencing a common side-effect of alcohol for some people and that is they get angry when they drink. Not everyone does. I personally got boring and stupid, but not angry, while thinking I was a great wit.
My parents drank to drunkenness a few times a week when I was a teen, and long after I left home. Dad just got mellow and sentimental, Mum got nasty. The nastiness caused all sorts of unhappiness in the family over the years and I don't think any of us kids were unaffected. Later I knew a man who didn't drink for just the reason that he didn't like his anger when he did.
Is it inbred in us, or is it some resentment we carry over from our childhood? I have know idea, I just know it's hurtful.
Seeing he's living with you, why not block his texts? It's not like you need to get in touch in an emergency. If it wasn't unproductive to argue with a drunk, I'd suggest he takes over the catering for the family as he seems to know how to do it do much better than you.
My parents drank to drunkenness a few times a week when I was a teen, and long after I left home. Dad just got mellow and sentimental, Mum got nasty. The nastiness caused all sorts of unhappiness in the family over the years and I don't think any of us kids were unaffected. Later I knew a man who didn't drink for just the reason that he didn't like his anger when he did.
Is it inbred in us, or is it some resentment we carry over from our childhood? I have know idea, I just know it's hurtful.
Seeing he's living with you, why not block his texts? It's not like you need to get in touch in an emergency. If it wasn't unproductive to argue with a drunk, I'd suggest he takes over the catering for the family as he seems to know how to do it do much better than you.
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1. I have family members who never met a fight they didn't like. Trying to "hoover" me into a fray became an enjoyable pastime for them, so we are no longer on speaking terms.
2. I work in a place with 600 other employees, who are all over the map politically. Some of those employees and I are on the same page politically. We know we can have enjoyable dialog with each other about current events.
One coworker I work closely with, it turns out, is on the other side of the political spectrum. I said something one day she found offensive. I apologized profusely and we agreed that we won't discuss politics. We get along great.
Philosophy is 100% dependent on worldview. It is not my job to try and change someone else.
When I have had people try to come across the street and change me, or start a fight, the "block" and "spam" buttons on social media and e-mail work beautifully.
2. I work in a place with 600 other employees, who are all over the map politically. Some of those employees and I are on the same page politically. We know we can have enjoyable dialog with each other about current events.
One coworker I work closely with, it turns out, is on the other side of the political spectrum. I said something one day she found offensive. I apologized profusely and we agreed that we won't discuss politics. We get along great.
Philosophy is 100% dependent on worldview. It is not my job to try and change someone else.
When I have had people try to come across the street and change me, or start a fight, the "block" and "spam" buttons on social media and e-mail work beautifully.
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I do understand the message …..to block him..... And, make no mistake, I do appreciate your input and advise.....
I have been able to walk through life and "get along" with other people when it comes to political or religious views....a kind of live and let live policy.
I wish that my son was a co-worker or neighbor or a person that was just an aquaintence. If so, it would be sooo much easier to block and disconnect from him. We have been very close and talk frequently.....
Ironically...I had made the "rule" that we...and, other family members not ever talk about any political issue...after the last major election. I had said that I would not allow politics to divide or destroy this family.
That has worked so well for me (us)….until yesterday....
In a totally unrelated conversation on the phone....we "stumbled over an issue about the stimulus bill....which is affecting all of us just now...this virus.
I sent him an e-mail, last night...telling him that I loved him and would always love him...that nothing would change that.
I am going to miss him so very much.....it leaves a great hole in my heart.....
I have been able to walk through life and "get along" with other people when it comes to political or religious views....a kind of live and let live policy.
I wish that my son was a co-worker or neighbor or a person that was just an aquaintence. If so, it would be sooo much easier to block and disconnect from him. We have been very close and talk frequently.....
Ironically...I had made the "rule" that we...and, other family members not ever talk about any political issue...after the last major election. I had said that I would not allow politics to divide or destroy this family.
That has worked so well for me (us)….until yesterday....
In a totally unrelated conversation on the phone....we "stumbled over an issue about the stimulus bill....which is affecting all of us just now...this virus.
I sent him an e-mail, last night...telling him that I loved him and would always love him...that nothing would change that.
I am going to miss him so very much.....it leaves a great hole in my heart.....
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Dear Dandy
A mother-son relationship “trumps”, and please forgive my poor choice of words, many other things.
if a disagreement surfaced and words were exchanged, perhaps there could be a reconciliation. If what happened yesterday were merely a manifestation of deep-seated and long term incompatibility, well, that might not be fixable. If addiction is involved somewhere, you have to take care of yourself.
I am so sorry for this for you. You are a tower of strength for all the rest of us. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
A mother-son relationship “trumps”, and please forgive my poor choice of words, many other things.
if a disagreement surfaced and words were exchanged, perhaps there could be a reconciliation. If what happened yesterday were merely a manifestation of deep-seated and long term incompatibility, well, that might not be fixable. If addiction is involved somewhere, you have to take care of yourself.
I am so sorry for this for you. You are a tower of strength for all the rest of us. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
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No, there was no involvement of alcohol. He is normally a very sweet and compassionate person.
He called, today, and I finally did answer the phone...after several attempts, on his part. He said that he loved me and that my e-mail made him very sad. He said that he didn't want me to change...that he liked the way that I am....
So, it seems that there has been a sort of "mother and child reunion".
It is so good to have the understanding support of others on this forum!!
Thanks, Eauch…..
He called, today, and I finally did answer the phone...after several attempts, on his part. He said that he loved me and that my e-mail made him very sad. He said that he didn't want me to change...that he liked the way that I am....
So, it seems that there has been a sort of "mother and child reunion".
It is so good to have the understanding support of others on this forum!!
Thanks, Eauch…..
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sorry, i don't really see any malevolence as you call it. you are inferring so, but the actual text is simply stating facts. you infer he meant to shame you for using instacart, but that is not at all what he said. as far as the report of an outbreak near your mom, isn't that something you would WANT to know? from whatever source?
if you don't like his texts, for any reason, quit reading them. trying to maintain such a hostile outlook and turning everything into an attack on you will wear YOU down.
if you don't like his texts, for any reason, quit reading them. trying to maintain such a hostile outlook and turning everything into an attack on you will wear YOU down.
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pizza.....could it possibly be that you "emotional skin" has been so badly burned in the past...that, everything feels like an assault or accusation?
I do think that can happen, sometimes....
Lol....my ex husband (from many, many years ago) never said a nice word to me without criticizing me...so, If he were ever to say something nice to me...I would probably wonder if it was some kind of trick.....
(we haven't spoken in decades)…..
I do think that can happen, sometimes....
Lol....my ex husband (from many, many years ago) never said a nice word to me without criticizing me...so, If he were ever to say something nice to me...I would probably wonder if it was some kind of trick.....
(we haven't spoken in decades)…..
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
sorry, i don't really see any malevolence as you call it. you are inferring so, but the actual text is simply stating facts. you infer he meant to shame you for using instacart, but that is not at all what he said. as far as the report of an outbreak near your mom, isn't that something you would WANT to know? from whatever source?
if you don't like his texts, for any reason, quit reading them. trying to maintain such a hostile outlook and turning everything into an attack on you will wear YOU down.
if you don't like his texts, for any reason, quit reading them. trying to maintain such a hostile outlook and turning everything into an attack on you will wear YOU down.
well I’d agree under normal circumstances. But he has a long history of sending upsetting texts under the guise of “sharing news.” Including talking about shark attacks on the other side of Florida when we have an imminent trip down there. These things are only shared when he drinks.
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I agree that perhaps you should stop reading them. Whether they are meant to be malevolent or not, you take them as such. So, stop letting them control your emotions by not reading them.
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Texting your own spouse in the same home seems like pretty convoluted communication.
Maybe my age is showing, but this just wouldn’t be acceptable to me and I would block his texts. I respect your choices here, just my two cents. . .
Maybe my age is showing, but this just wouldn’t be acceptable to me and I would block his texts. I respect your choices here, just my two cents. . .
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No it isn’t normal. But either is being a drunk. So tonight’s malevolence included complaints about my cooking, guised as “concerns” that “he might get sick.” (I cook fine.).
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psy...rcissist%3famp
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Why are you cooking for him? And why isn't he doing his share? He is a world-class passive aggressive practitioner, and I grew up with one so I know.
Seriously, let him fend for himself.
Seriously, let him fend for himself.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Sounds to me like you need boundaries, and if you have some, you need more and better boundaries. You are allowing him to get to you. If you stop cooking for him, he can't complain about your cooking. If you block his texts, you won't get so upset about them.
This situation is not going to work for long. Perhaps it's time for you to make some decisions on whether or not you wish to continue.
This situation is not going to work for long. Perhaps it's time for you to make some decisions on whether or not you wish to continue.
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He makes the vast majority of the money. I cook for the whole family. He has taken this to abusive extremes in recent years; does nothing in the house, won’t bus the table because he feels I don’t make the kids do enough around the house (?)
No it’s not livable. I have been blocking drunk texts of late. Yes he’s passive aggressive etc. I hope to get out in my lifetime.
No it’s not livable. I have been blocking drunk texts of late. Yes he’s passive aggressive etc. I hope to get out in my lifetime.
RIP Sweet Suki
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Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
If you are living in the same house, I don't understand why you don't block his phone number. You don't have to tell him you are blocking him...in fact, it's best if you don't. Just do it and be done with the texts.
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Pizza.....I used to work with alcoholics (treating them)….I remember that the first lesson that I had to learn was not to listen to anything an alcoholic says when they are drunk...or, even buzzed.
Now, I know it is much...much...easier to discount an alcoholic's blabberings (quacking) when treating them than living with them! I know, first hand, how hard it is to not personalize insults from loved ones.
People are not supposed to deliberately insult loved ones....it is not natural and it is a sign of dysfunction in a relationship.
I guess what we are talking about comes under the umbrella of Detaching from a person. Not easy to do...but, can be necessary. It does take practice....
Now, I know it is much...much...easier to discount an alcoholic's blabberings (quacking) when treating them than living with them! I know, first hand, how hard it is to not personalize insults from loved ones.
People are not supposed to deliberately insult loved ones....it is not natural and it is a sign of dysfunction in a relationship.
I guess what we are talking about comes under the umbrella of Detaching from a person. Not easy to do...but, can be necessary. It does take practice....
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Final session of therapy he agreed to. He’s refusing to attend more. He spent the entire time lambasting my character and in the therapist’s words, refuting everything I said, not listening to me, and ignoring my pleas. Wouldn’t even address me, only addressed the therapist. Therapist said we sounded like we were already emotionally divorced and we hated each other.
Honestly if would be so much simpler if I had died from the cancer I had years ago rather than live with the cancer of this relationship. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with divorcing an emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, paranoid, narcissistic alcoholic. (On a side note—if he told the therapist I could have custody the house two cars alimony and child support, does that hold up in court?)
This was my best friend and we’ve been together more than 30 years.
Honestly if would be so much simpler if I had died from the cancer I had years ago rather than live with the cancer of this relationship. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with divorcing an emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, paranoid, narcissistic alcoholic. (On a side note—if he told the therapist I could have custody the house two cars alimony and child support, does that hold up in court?)
This was my best friend and we’ve been together more than 30 years.
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