Malevolent texts
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by pizza67 
Final session of therapy he agreed to. He’s refusing to attend more. He spent the entire time lambasting my character and in the therapist’s words, refuting everything I said, not listening to me, and ignoring my pleas. Wouldn’t even address me, only addressed the therapist. Therapist said we sounded like we were already emotionally divorced and we hated each other.
Honestly if would be so much simpler if I had died from the cancer I had years ago rather than live with the cancer of this relationship. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with divorcing an emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, paranoid, narcissistic alcoholic. (On a side note—if he told the therapist I could have custody the house two cars alimony and child support, does that hold up in court?)
This was my best friend and we’ve been together more than 30 years.
Honestly if would be so much simpler if I had died from the cancer I had years ago rather than live with the cancer of this relationship. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with divorcing an emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, paranoid, narcissistic alcoholic. (On a side note—if he told the therapist I could have custody the house two cars alimony and child support, does that hold up in court?)
This was my best friend and we’ve been together more than 30 years.
He has abused you and the children, in turn you are probably abusive to him and they are as well. Is this how you envisioned your family life.
Are these your values?
I don't think they are, otherwise you would not be so disturbed by all of this.
People have said something here from time to time, that can sound rather harsh, I don't mean it that way but - you already know the answer (solution to this) you just don't like the answer.
Now of course, you are entitled to NOT like the answer, absolutely and no one can argue that. We all come up against things like that.
You are wishing you had died rather than face this. Nothing is going to fix this pizza. He does not want to change. I'm surprised you went back to therapy with him, I'm not surprised at all by his behaviour and you shouldn't be either, you know him well. You gave him more bullets and he used them, that's what he does.
That doesn't mean I'm not sorry for your situation, I absolutely am! I also wish there was magic wand you or someone could wave and he would go back to being the guy you married, but we know there isn't.
You have to power to change this, even if you don't think you do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Same **** different day
Of course he drank half a bottle of wine in half
an hour last night. A lightweight by most SR standards but enough to infuriate all of us. The SAME pattern—AH gets drunk and annoying, kids get pissed, kids lash out, Pizza withdraws from AH, AH blames kids and Pizza for meanness and coldness. Aaaauuuuugggghhhhh
I’ve given up on any change in him. So this morning I just kindly pointed out for the 97th time that he just has no insight into his role in things. I asked him just for this quarantine to stay upstairs and don’t text us when drinking. He responds with denying he did anything wrong last night and ignoring everything I said. No doubt the cycle will continue with his Disneyland Dad ******** alternating with provoking us, not getting why people are mad at him, and thus having a “reason” to drink. How do the kids and I survive this quarantine?
an hour last night. A lightweight by most SR standards but enough to infuriate all of us. The SAME pattern—AH gets drunk and annoying, kids get pissed, kids lash out, Pizza withdraws from AH, AH blames kids and Pizza for meanness and coldness. Aaaauuuuugggghhhhh
I’ve given up on any change in him. So this morning I just kindly pointed out for the 97th time that he just has no insight into his role in things. I asked him just for this quarantine to stay upstairs and don’t text us when drinking. He responds with denying he did anything wrong last night and ignoring everything I said. No doubt the cycle will continue with his Disneyland Dad ******** alternating with provoking us, not getting why people are mad at him, and thus having a “reason” to drink. How do the kids and I survive this quarantine?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
What honeypig said
This kind of life--unpredictable, nasty, long-term living with an alcoholic really has a negative long-term impact on children.
Their personality development / boundaries / what they perceive as "normal" is still in formation stage.
Therefore, this kind of toxic treatment is becoming, or is, the "status quo" for them.
It was for me too. Guess what I did when I grew up? Tried to recreate it in my own family.
Even if it is difficult, you have much more at stake for you family than just this daily BS.
So sorry it continues. I hope you can find a way to break the pattern.
This kind of life--unpredictable, nasty, long-term living with an alcoholic really has a negative long-term impact on children.
Their personality development / boundaries / what they perceive as "normal" is still in formation stage.
Therefore, this kind of toxic treatment is becoming, or is, the "status quo" for them.
It was for me too. Guess what I did when I grew up? Tried to recreate it in my own family.
Even if it is difficult, you have much more at stake for you family than just this daily BS.
So sorry it continues. I hope you can find a way to break the pattern.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by pizza67
But we’re all stuck here right now! I can’t do anything other than ignore texts. The kids badger me to get him out but we are in a ******* pandemic
I assume you will be entitled to some type of federal or state assistance during the pandemic lock-down? Perhaps that is an ideal time to ask him to leave?
Anyway, just a thought.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ovid-19-a.html (Domestic Violence during Covid 19)
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Originally Posted by pizza67
Of course he drank half a bottle of wine in half an hour last night. A lightweight by most SR standards but enough to infuriate all of us.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by Mac4711
Not that how much he drinks matters all that much, but don’t buy it. Before/during/after that half hour, did he go to the garage/rest room/attic/mud room to ‘check on something’? Would not be surprised. Done it myself hundreds of times. Insanity.
no. He used to drink more. But his “2” is really closer to 4 given the strength and amount of what he’s drinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by honeypig
pizza, do you see where the problem is? Mac said it isn't really important how much he drinks, and you reply by talking about how much he drinks.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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**** hit the fan
So...he was at it again tonight but I just couldn’t sit there. I told him he’s just blaming everyone else instead of acknowledging that his alcohol abuse and hostility are issues. It was the usual fight, him laying into the kids for being “amoral” and “having unhealthy habits” 
and has now texted financial threats, saying how I will push the kids into poverty if I divorce him. So, question: are these texts admissible in court?
and has now texted financial threats, saying how I will push the kids into poverty if I divorce him. So, question: are these texts admissible in court? RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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You are asking questions here that you should be asking an attorney. The laws are different depending on the state. Most attorneys offer a 30 minute consultation free of charge.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Pizza.....having no legal training, I cannot even begin to answer your question....
However, I will give you the following link to a website that might be helpful for you, right now. It is educational in nature, and gives links to many resources.
It can help you to organize your thoughts and know exactly what to ask your own lawyer.....
It is organized by state...
www.womansdivorce.com
the thinks that he is "threatening" you with are quite common. I was the recipient to all sorts of statements, just l ike your husband is saying.....and, my first husband was not even an alcoholic!! He was a collosal jerk and I couldn't live like that any longer. I had three small children at the time.
However, I will give you the following link to a website that might be helpful for you, right now. It is educational in nature, and gives links to many resources.
It can help you to organize your thoughts and know exactly what to ask your own lawyer.....
It is organized by state...
www.womansdivorce.com
the thinks that he is "threatening" you with are quite common. I was the recipient to all sorts of statements, just l ike your husband is saying.....and, my first husband was not even an alcoholic!! He was a collosal jerk and I couldn't live like that any longer. I had three small children at the time.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Pizza, stand back a bit, take a breath, and pretend you are an older version of yourself. What advice would you give yourself right now?
What is it you want?
Why are you answering/reading his texts? What are you getting out of reading them? Do you need more proof of his awful behaviour?
What is it you want?
Why are you answering/reading his texts? What are you getting out of reading them? Do you need more proof of his awful behaviour?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by pizza67
Honestly if would be so much simpler if I had died from the cancer.....
I used to have that mentality with every sick relationship I was ever involved in. Eventually you get to a place in those relationships where you just want to die.
I have had some changes in my life, thank God, and have come to believe that my death has no benefit to someone stuck in alcoholism. It only allows them to move on to another enabler. Any sick fantasies of how sorry they would be and become instantly sober if I DID die, is stinkin' thinkin'.
To be honest, the longer you stay in this relationship, the greater the likelihood you MIGHT take on some illness just from the stress.
You have your own reasons for staying with this guy. Is it a sense of security or familiarity? Is it fear of change? Deep down there is a perceived benefit to you of staying, even if you don't realize it.
Life is hard, so is growth and change. Leaving this prison you have lived in for over 30 years is scary. We've all been there.
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