SparkleKitty

It's okay and normal to be mad. It's okay and normal to grieve what was or could have been. The best thing you can do for yourself, for him, and for your kids is to accept that this is who he is right now, and act accordingly.

Big hugs, my friend.

trailmix

Do you not see that you are "fixing" it, for them and for you by getting off the crazy train?

Codependency isn't just for adults. Your Son's defense of his Father is not a good thing. Defending poor behaviour is not a good thing. That means he is not seeing this clearly either. He is also in the FOG.

PuzzledHeart

When my sister was caught in her affair, I really did believe everything she said - her husband was a jerk, he was having an emotional affair with her best friend. It took me years to realize that even if what she said was absolutely true, it didn't justify her behavior one bit. I also had figured out by then she was a compulsive liar, even to herself, so her accusations weren't built on the firmest of foundations. And if one is willing to lie to oneself, then all bets are off in regards to everybody else.

I'm sure that according to her new set of close friends, her previous close friends and family have betrayed her and she is the victim in all this. I would have cared about their opinion once upon a time but now it's completely irrelevant. They're probably at the stage I was once in years ago, and unfortunately, unless they smoke pot to the point of addiction themselves, they'll eventually get to where I am now... angry but moving towards indifference. One thing that I don't do is express my disappointment in front of her children - she is still their mother after all, and I don't want them to think that my disappointment of her means that I'm disappointed in them.

I wouldn't worry about the folks at the barbershop. They'll eventually figure things out on their own. It also occurs to me that he may have chosen that particular audience because they wouldn't necessarily push back on what he said. My close friends have no hesitation on calling me on my nonsense. His close friends may have been either 1) pushing back or 2) so tired of his rants that they've tuned out.

And yes, don't move in with his mom. She may be a lovely person but she hasn't had the opportunity to discover things for herself.

In regards to your son... have you seen "The Spectacular Now"? It's a movie that tells the story of a high school senior whose father is an alcoholic. It's pretty obvious that he loves his father despite his drunken nature. It might be worth a watch. You can also read the script online.

This stuff isn't easy.

ironwill

Clowery,

Your not crazy. You are doing all the right things. You were trying to help him. You are dealing with an alcoholic. You remember the good person in side of him and knows that person before alcohol was his main priority. Now that person is consumed with getting that next drink. The alcohol has changed his brain. He will say anything to you to make you feel like you are the trouble maker. That your the reason his life went to hell. You are not the reason. You know the reason why his life went the way it did. The need for that next drink. Until he gets help and admits he has a problem. That is not going to change.

Don't take the blame for things he did. You didn't make him drink. You didn't make him say all those things in the barbershop. You are a better person then him. You only want whats best for your family. You don't get that by acting the way he is.

While the kids might be upset that your leaving, It is the best thing for them. They will be in a better environment. Hopefully it will send a message to your AH that if he want's to be any part of a family he will clean up his act.

suki44883

Reading through this thread makes me picture in my mind a balloon...slowly deflating. Day before yesterday, you were fully inflated, feeling strong in your decision to leave. Had it planned out and knew what and when. Then, one argument with the alcoholic caused a pin-sized hole in the balloon, and you have slowly been deflating ever since. He has caused you to second guess yourself...has caused to to worry about your son especially. I hope you realize that this is all part of his plan. He knows that anything he says to your son will be repeated to you and cause the balloon to deflate even more.

It is still possible to patch those holes in the balloon and carry through with your plan to leave. He can't call off work every day, and even if he expects you to leave, it doesn't have to stop you from doing what is best for you and your children.

FarmhouseGal

trailmix

Yes, I wish you courage to do it anyway.

You know, the first time I got divorced, after many years, I had made the decision. My child was not 18 yet, so it was complicated.

My ex was not a drinker, well a normal drinker. What he did have was rage issues. I won't repeat the long story.

One day I decided I had enough. Enough arguing, enough feeling threatened, just enough.

He is not a bad guy. He would pretty much give you the shirt off his back, help anyone out that needed help from shingling your roof to fixing your car. He always worked and never slacked off, always made sure everyone was ok and he did love me. So I stayed. I figured I always would.

But sometimes, enough is enough. Was that all there was? Constant friction and disagreement (although many times he would come back to apologize later and say he saw my point).

He was severely abused as a child, not sexually but physical abuse I won't even talk about here - it's horrendous. So I don't blame him for his rage, but it's not my rage and I cannot fix it.

So I said I want a divorce.

A couple of hours later I thought, oh my god, what have I done (I'm not one to say what I don't mean so when I said I wanted a divorce it was the first time I had said it and I meant it).

I even tried to backpeddle, but he didn't buy that and he was right. I did do the right thing.

I was scared (I had been married my whole adult life), I had no job at the time (didn't need one but now would), had to sell the house and move with my Son.

Scared, upset, alone. I did it anyway, not because it was easy or good or fun or anything, because it was the right thing to do.

Am I some superhero? Absolutely not, but sometimes we have to look past the apologies and look at the real deal here clowery. Ask yourself, is any of this doing ANY of you (including your AH) any good?

If he wants recovery, maybe it's time to get out of his way?

Hawkeye13

If you stay, things will only get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive condition left untreated.

You are the responsible parent who must do the hard thing in the interests of your children, whatever he says.

flower959

clowery-you are not crazy! But you're riding the crazy train that's being driven by your AH. He'll deflect away from his drinking as much as possible. He'll try anything to keep things as they are so he can keep drinking. It's the power of addiction.

I recommend that you steer clear of his family & friends, especially if they don't know truly what's going on.

You are only in control of yourself.

YOU. ARE. NOT. CRAZY.

(((hugs to you)))

2020vision

AnvilheadII

we talk here often of turning the SOUND down and just watching the movie playing out in front of us. instead of taking the words of a drunken, bloviating blowhard personally, look at the actions of the same person. ACTIONS. he's not saying anything NEW....or enlightened....or compassionate he says exactly what he knows will put you back in yor place - timid, afraid, stuck.

i'd strongly suggest you cease using his mother as a sounding board or see her as an ally. it is time to detach from the toxicity. and extricate yourself and your children from the same.

dandylion

clowery…….leaving a toxic household will not be the thing that ruins the kid's lives....it is staying in an alcoholic household that ruins it.
If you keep the ki ds in this environment....one day, when they are young adults...they will ask you "Mamma, why did you keep us there?".....and, they WILL ask.
What will you say?....."Well, son....he started treating me so bad...and, even talked about our sex life to the guys at the barbershop. So, I though that it would be a good idea to stay"...….

When the adult children of alcoholics speak about their lives....they often resent the parent that did not take them out of the situation...even more than the alcoholic. They feel lke the sober parent should have protected them.....

Can you see how the alcoholism has progressed? Given that it is progressive...this is, likely, as good as it is going to get......