I messed up
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I messed up
I may have messed up. I told AH today after he asked if I was mad at him that I wasn’t mad. That I was very hurt and disappointed. That everyday I would think things would be better and everyday was the same thing. Everyday he was drunk. We couldn’t go anywhere we couldn’t do anything. Yesterday we were supposed to go to the receiving friends of a funeral together. And in the 10 min drive he was past out drunk. I didnt even go in. I just cried all the way home. And he never said a word about it. And stayed drunk all day til he past out last night. I tell him this and tell him how upset I am and how I’m so burnt out with it all. And he laughs. Just laughs. Like I’m an idiot. And when he did that. I got so mad. I didn’t blow up. But I did say I am done. I said I am done with this marriage and I am done with you. Oh and today someone told me that they heard from some that heard from someone else that right after thanksgiving that he was in the barber shop and someone over heard him talking about me and him. He said I had left him a couple of times and that I was so hard to get along with and that I wouldn’t ever have sex with him!!!!!! I’m the freaking barber shop. So this person of course goes and says something to someone and asks what’s going on then it spreads. Really?!????? OMG!! And I’m just now finding out about this. I said something to him and of course he denied it. Said someone is lying and if I didn’t hear it than not to believe it. But really it’s some of the same stuff he says to me. but how embarrassing. Don’t talk about our non existent sex life. I said maybe if you didn’t get drunk every night and pass out on the couch we might have a sex life.
so now he’s pissed. He comes inside and starts in on me about how I’m breaking up a happy home. And what about our kids. You know the usual. Blame game. My plan is now shot. I wanted to wait until tomorrow. And get everything. But here I am. What do I do now?? He now says he is so hurt by what I said. And how could I do this. But when he laughed like it was nothing. No big deal. What’s the problem. The plan went out the window
so now he’s pissed. He comes inside and starts in on me about how I’m breaking up a happy home. And what about our kids. You know the usual. Blame game. My plan is now shot. I wanted to wait until tomorrow. And get everything. But here I am. What do I do now?? He now says he is so hurt by what I said. And how could I do this. But when he laughed like it was nothing. No big deal. What’s the problem. The plan went out the window
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Originally Posted by Schne 
I don’t see how your plan is messed up. You can still go with your plan, if he’s drunk he won’t have the recall. Wishing you luck.
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Well he had to find out sometime. What about your conversation stops you from leaving? Are you afraid of him or his reaction?
Is it that he won't go to work and give you the chance to collect your stuff?
Honestly, it sounds like he's fed up as well, and you might not get as much resistance as you think.
Is it that he won't go to work and give you the chance to collect your stuff?
Honestly, it sounds like he's fed up as well, and you might not get as much resistance as you think.
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I don't see how this changes your plan at all. He may remember the argument, but he isn't expecting you to pack up and move out tomorrow. There's no reason you can't still follow through on your plan to leave.
If not now, when? Why put up with it one more day?
If not now, when? Why put up with it one more day?
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Yes he expects it now. My son said he told him he was so sorry. He has tried his best to make things work with me. And I just talk to him like a dog. I know I can still leave. It just scared me tonight. I really thought things would get worse and I would end up having to go tonight. But he’s had him a few more drinks. And calmed back down. Now he came into our bedroom and said he loved me and was sorry all this had happened. I didn’t respond and he shut the door and walked out.
my son said he said to him again tonight before the I love yous that my son needed to choose he would be staying with. And my son said mom I can’t do that. That’s a lot of pressure on me. I reassured him he would not have to choose. That he is not old enough to decide that. And that I have always taken care of him and would continue. That I would never keep him from his dad but that he would stay with me. I said your dad can’t take care of you. That seemed to help him.
He can’t even drive himself to the store. Today he went to the neighbors house and had him drive him because he had been drinking.
gosh I hope that’s right. I hope that he don’t have to choose. My son is 14. He loves his dad so much and is trying his best to protect him right now. And trying his best to make him happy. He is so much like me. The peace maker. My husband will try and fight me for him. I know it. He loves our daughter. But he knows she don’t want to stay. She wants to be with her mom. But with my son he tries and play the cool dad. We will do all this cool stuff. But I’m not leaving without them both.
my son said he said to him again tonight before the I love yous that my son needed to choose he would be staying with. And my son said mom I can’t do that. That’s a lot of pressure on me. I reassured him he would not have to choose. That he is not old enough to decide that. And that I have always taken care of him and would continue. That I would never keep him from his dad but that he would stay with me. I said your dad can’t take care of you. That seemed to help him.
He can’t even drive himself to the store. Today he went to the neighbors house and had him drive him because he had been drinking.
gosh I hope that’s right. I hope that he don’t have to choose. My son is 14. He loves his dad so much and is trying his best to protect him right now. And trying his best to make him happy. He is so much like me. The peace maker. My husband will try and fight me for him. I know it. He loves our daughter. But he knows she don’t want to stay. She wants to be with her mom. But with my son he tries and play the cool dad. We will do all this cool stuff. But I’m not leaving without them both.
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I also don’t think this messed up your plans at all. You told him you’re done but I can’t imagine that he actually would think you would leave tomorrow. Heck my ex and I lived together for 7 more months after the decision to split was made. He may think you are leaving soon but I doubt he is ready for tomorrow.
Your son is 14, I think technically he has a voice in what he wants but that doesn’t mean he has to exercise that. And I would fight hard for sole custody and supervised visits only (unless he does soberlink) , he is still an active drunk and he could put your kids lives in danger by drinking and driving. If he ever decides to get sober you can revisit that but right now you cannot trust him to be safe around your kids. Your son should not be in charge of monitoring his dads level of sobriety and wondering if he is sober enough to drive. I would also want sober link before and after visits (to make sure he wasn’t drinking during their visits. You will need a lawyer that is for sure. Of course your son loves his dad but that doesn’t mean he should not be protected from his dad by putting measures in order to keep him safe when he does see his dad. Counseling might now be a bad idea for him either. He also needs to know that the divorce and the alcohol have nothing to do with him or his sister. If there is an alateen that might be good as well. My kid was only 6 when my ex quit and went to rehab and she did the Betty Ford kids program which was great. But she never talked to anyone about her dads drinking so I think it would be good for your kids to be around other kids who are in the same boat with addicted parents. As hard as it is try not to talk bad about his father. That might be a little tricky as he obviously cannot he trusted with his son due to the alcohol. If you can find the documentary pleasure unwoven on YouTube I highly recommend it. I think your son is old enough to watch and understand it as well. But I would mostly focus on that alcoholism is a disease that makes his dad drink and he is not be able to stop like people who do not have the disease of alcoholism. That his brain makes it so he keeps drinking. And that therefore he cannot take care of him and his sister if he is drinking. I think the books that my kid got at the kids program they had this character named addiction who is very evil and makes it very hard for people to stop drinking. Because every time they try addiction comes back to try and lure them back in and get them to drink again. I’d have to look at it in more detail because it has been a while but I think it helped kids who would say, well why doesn’t mom or dad just quit drinking? Because this character addiction makes it very hard for people to quit (when my kid went to this program her dad had been through rehab and had been sober about 7 months so she never had that question). I think it addresses the drinking without really putting blame on dad directly (which I know is hard because he obviously is to blame but for kids that’s hard to accept when they love their parents) and that way they hopefully won’t feel like why won’t dad quit drinking if he loved us. I hope that makes sense.
I have no doubt your husband loves his kids very much, but that doesn’t mean he can take care of them appropriately. It is a huge reason why I stuck around as long as I did because back then I was completely clueless about everything and I was not ready to have split custody when he was an active drinker. I figured it was safer for my kid to just stick around. That said, when i gave him the ultimatum I was really ready to take my kid and leave because at that point I could no longer tolerate it and continue to pretend everything was ok (and cover for him all the time).
Good luck, stick with your plan, think about what’s best for you and the kids.
Your son is 14, I think technically he has a voice in what he wants but that doesn’t mean he has to exercise that. And I would fight hard for sole custody and supervised visits only (unless he does soberlink) , he is still an active drunk and he could put your kids lives in danger by drinking and driving. If he ever decides to get sober you can revisit that but right now you cannot trust him to be safe around your kids. Your son should not be in charge of monitoring his dads level of sobriety and wondering if he is sober enough to drive. I would also want sober link before and after visits (to make sure he wasn’t drinking during their visits. You will need a lawyer that is for sure. Of course your son loves his dad but that doesn’t mean he should not be protected from his dad by putting measures in order to keep him safe when he does see his dad. Counseling might now be a bad idea for him either. He also needs to know that the divorce and the alcohol have nothing to do with him or his sister. If there is an alateen that might be good as well. My kid was only 6 when my ex quit and went to rehab and she did the Betty Ford kids program which was great. But she never talked to anyone about her dads drinking so I think it would be good for your kids to be around other kids who are in the same boat with addicted parents. As hard as it is try not to talk bad about his father. That might be a little tricky as he obviously cannot he trusted with his son due to the alcohol. If you can find the documentary pleasure unwoven on YouTube I highly recommend it. I think your son is old enough to watch and understand it as well. But I would mostly focus on that alcoholism is a disease that makes his dad drink and he is not be able to stop like people who do not have the disease of alcoholism. That his brain makes it so he keeps drinking. And that therefore he cannot take care of him and his sister if he is drinking. I think the books that my kid got at the kids program they had this character named addiction who is very evil and makes it very hard for people to stop drinking. Because every time they try addiction comes back to try and lure them back in and get them to drink again. I’d have to look at it in more detail because it has been a while but I think it helped kids who would say, well why doesn’t mom or dad just quit drinking? Because this character addiction makes it very hard for people to quit (when my kid went to this program her dad had been through rehab and had been sober about 7 months so she never had that question). I think it addresses the drinking without really putting blame on dad directly (which I know is hard because he obviously is to blame but for kids that’s hard to accept when they love their parents) and that way they hopefully won’t feel like why won’t dad quit drinking if he loved us. I hope that makes sense.
I have no doubt your husband loves his kids very much, but that doesn’t mean he can take care of them appropriately. It is a huge reason why I stuck around as long as I did because back then I was completely clueless about everything and I was not ready to have split custody when he was an active drinker. I figured it was safer for my kid to just stick around. That said, when i gave him the ultimatum I was really ready to take my kid and leave because at that point I could no longer tolerate it and continue to pretend everything was ok (and cover for him all the time).
Good luck, stick with your plan, think about what’s best for you and the kids.
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Unfortunately the peace maker can be misguided. Perhaps also tell your Son that his dad is a grown man and can look after himself.
Of course you're not leaving without them both, so you put them in the car and drive away tomorrow.
Are you able to get any help at all?
You know if you are scared you can call the police and let them know what you are doing (moving out tomorrow) and that you hope you get it all done before he returns home but it might not go well, so wanted to let them know. They may even offer to attend while you are getting your stuff in your car.
Keep them on speed dial. He cannot stop you from leaving, he probably can't stop you from leaving with your children (DV would know more about this as would a lawyer).
Do what you can tomorrow clowery, get enough even for a week. You will have other opportunities to get your clothes, get all the basics needed.
If you haven't managed or organize a friend to help you tomorrow, once you are out and have your important stuff, you will have time to organize someone next time you go to collect items.
Of course you're not leaving without them both, so you put them in the car and drive away tomorrow.
Are you able to get any help at all?
You know if you are scared you can call the police and let them know what you are doing (moving out tomorrow) and that you hope you get it all done before he returns home but it might not go well, so wanted to let them know. They may even offer to attend while you are getting your stuff in your car.
Keep them on speed dial. He cannot stop you from leaving, he probably can't stop you from leaving with your children (DV would know more about this as would a lawyer).
Do what you can tomorrow clowery, get enough even for a week. You will have other opportunities to get your clothes, get all the basics needed.
If you haven't managed or organize a friend to help you tomorrow, once you are out and have your important stuff, you will have time to organize someone next time you go to collect items.
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clowery…….By all means, stick with your plan.
You will feel so much better once you begin the move. Your adrenalin will kick in and you will not be focused on your fears. You will see.
By tomorrow, your husband will not remember most, if any, of what transpired today. I have seen this happen a million times....we take everything seriously and they act like nothing happened the next morning.
There are laws and the courts designed to protect you and your children's rights.
Your son does not have to decide between the two of you. You are his parent and the only one who is capable of making sound rational decisions in his best interest. You are a parent in charge, and let him know it. Let him know that this is ADULT stuff and he will not be asked to participate in it.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that you have his back!!
Behave "normally" until your husband leaves for work...and, then, go right into action. You will gather momentum...I promise!!
You will feel so much better once you begin the move. Your adrenalin will kick in and you will not be focused on your fears. You will see.
By tomorrow, your husband will not remember most, if any, of what transpired today. I have seen this happen a million times....we take everything seriously and they act like nothing happened the next morning.
There are laws and the courts designed to protect you and your children's rights.
Your son does not have to decide between the two of you. You are his parent and the only one who is capable of making sound rational decisions in his best interest. You are a parent in charge, and let him know it. Let him know that this is ADULT stuff and he will not be asked to participate in it.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that you have his back!!
Behave "normally" until your husband leaves for work...and, then, go right into action. You will gather momentum...I promise!!
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clowery…...I know you must be grinding your teeth at that!.....however, just regard it as a "glich".....as a bump in the road....not the end of the road.
Tomorrow is another day...another NEW day....just carry out tomorrow what you had planned for today....
After all...it s not about stumbling.....it is about getting up and going forward....which you absolutely can do.....
Continue to just act as you normally would, today....
Tomorrow is another day...another NEW day....just carry out tomorrow what you had planned for today....
After all...it s not about stumbling.....it is about getting up and going forward....which you absolutely can do.....
Continue to just act as you normally would, today....
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Clowery,
I'm sorry your having to deal with an active alcoholic. This should not change your plans. Yes you might not be able to do them today, but you can still do them soon. If it does get bad you can do like Trailmix says and call the police and explain to them. They will make sure you stay safe. While he may be a functioning alcoholic you should still be able to take the kids. A judge is not going to let someone who can't even drive themselves to the store, because they have had too much to drink, care for the safety on a minor. I'm sure that is just one of many examples you can bring up.
Just keep you and your kids safe and trust your gut as to what to do. Keep being strong. We are here for you.
I'm sorry your having to deal with an active alcoholic. This should not change your plans. Yes you might not be able to do them today, but you can still do them soon. If it does get bad you can do like Trailmix says and call the police and explain to them. They will make sure you stay safe. While he may be a functioning alcoholic you should still be able to take the kids. A judge is not going to let someone who can't even drive themselves to the store, because they have had too much to drink, care for the safety on a minor. I'm sure that is just one of many examples you can bring up.
Just keep you and your kids safe and trust your gut as to what to do. Keep being strong. We are here for you.
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Oh we had spat this morning before I left for work. Of course I’m the reason this is happening. It’s all my fault. I have talked so mean to him the past month and been so distant. And if forced him to sleep on the couch. And he can’t live under my rules. And I am consumed with him and his drinking. Really? Pretty sure it’s him that’s consumed. He asked me if I had another man? Because I would never act this way. I said I don’t. I’m just sick and tired of this and the way he acts. And what he does. And I have always been a good little girl that’s never said anything back. And kept her mouth shut while he run all over me. And I’m not doing it anymore. I am a person. I have feelings and I have a voice. Am I’m not putting up with it anymore.
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What about making a call to the local Women's Shelter today to see if you can find out a bit more about your legal rights in your local area? It's confidential, and a positive step forward on your plan.
I would certainly ask a family member or friend to help you tomorrow, and please don't share any of your plans with your son right now. That puts pressure on him to be "loyal" to his dad and maybe say something, which won't help anything at this point.
The goal is to get out safely with kids, pets, and whatever possessions you want to have in the future. Please don't underestimate your need for safety right now. Leaving can be the most dangerous time. Even a previously "nonviolent" spouse can get violent when they see you on the way out the door, especially if they are drinking which impairs judgement.
I would certainly ask a family member or friend to help you tomorrow, and please don't share any of your plans with your son right now. That puts pressure on him to be "loyal" to his dad and maybe say something, which won't help anything at this point.
The goal is to get out safely with kids, pets, and whatever possessions you want to have in the future. Please don't underestimate your need for safety right now. Leaving can be the most dangerous time. Even a previously "nonviolent" spouse can get violent when they see you on the way out the door, especially if they are drinking which impairs judgement.
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Just remember Clowery, these are are not arguments that you have to "win". You can't anyway, as he will believe or say ANYTHING that he thinks will maintain the status quo. This is addiction, pure and simple. You are not dealing with a rational person.
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His mom talked to him a little bit ago. She also said I could come stay with her. But she lives right down the road from us. So I don’t think that would be good. But he told her that I have unreal expectations. That I demand that he quit drinking. And that he’s tried everything to make our marriage work. And that him quitting drinking will not help because I am not helpable. That’s not a word. But ya know. I don’t love him and I want to be in charge. He’s so stupid. How did this become my life. Like really????? I’m so upset. Oh and he told her about the whole barbershop incident. And admitted he actually said it. But not In that context. That the barber was talking about him and his wife having problems. So he told him about ours. And in great detail of how we don’t have sex. In a barbershop for everyone to hear. And magically leaves out that he’s drunk every night. Who really wants to sleep with someone like that. Am I crazy?? Really?? I’m starting to think I am.
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Clowery. You are not crazy.
He wants you to believe you are being unreasonable so he does not have to change to keep things the way they are.
He will say anything--ANYTHING to deflect attention from him and his drinking. He will try to rope other people into his efforts to make what he is saying seem more valid -- it isn't, and you KNOW it isn't, and you don't have to convince anyone of that. Nope, not even him.
Please stop listening to this nonsense. Stop listening to it from him and from others. When he is talking, imagine a duck quacking, because that's all it amounts to.
You can drop the rope any time. Don't stay with his mom, that's just another trap to keep you enmeshed and gaslit.
He wants you to believe you are being unreasonable so he does not have to change to keep things the way they are.
He will say anything--ANYTHING to deflect attention from him and his drinking. He will try to rope other people into his efforts to make what he is saying seem more valid -- it isn't, and you KNOW it isn't, and you don't have to convince anyone of that. Nope, not even him.
Please stop listening to this nonsense. Stop listening to it from him and from others. When he is talking, imagine a duck quacking, because that's all it amounts to.
You can drop the rope any time. Don't stay with his mom, that's just another trap to keep you enmeshed and gaslit.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Clowery. You are not crazy.
He wants you to believe you are being unreasonable so he does not have to change to keep things the way they are.
He will say anything--ANYTHING to deflect attention from him and his drinking. He will try to rope other people into his efforts to make what he is saying seem more valid -- it isn't, and you KNOW it isn't, and you don't have to convince anyone of that. Nope, not even him.
Please stop listening to this nonsense. Stop listening to it from him and from others. When he is talking, imagine a duck quacking, because that's all it amounts to.
You can drop the rope any time. Don't stay with his mom, that's just another trap to keep you enmeshed and gaslit.
He wants you to believe you are being unreasonable so he does not have to change to keep things the way they are.
He will say anything--ANYTHING to deflect attention from him and his drinking. He will try to rope other people into his efforts to make what he is saying seem more valid -- it isn't, and you KNOW it isn't, and you don't have to convince anyone of that. Nope, not even him.
Please stop listening to this nonsense. Stop listening to it from him and from others. When he is talking, imagine a duck quacking, because that's all it amounts to.
You can drop the rope any time. Don't stay with his mom, that's just another trap to keep you enmeshed and gaslit.
gosh I know. It just blows my mind that he is saying these things. Honestly he has always been such a stand up guy. It just is so hard to think how much he has went down hill. He just stopped by my office and tried to give a half way apology. Kind of like. Sorry you think all these things. And I hold him to a different standard. I think he should be perfect. Just bull crap. I didn’t argue. I just said I’ll take the blame. If you wanna give it to me. I’ll take it.
I guess I just think my case will be different. When everyone here has went through the same things and keeps saying this will happen and that will happen. And then it happens. I’ve see such a good man deep down and would so love to have that person back. But he’s buried so deep.
I see the life we have created and the kids that adore us both and I feel like we are ruining their little lives. It makes me so mad. I want so bad to fix it and I know I can’t. And it’s so hard to let go
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Originally Posted by clowery0508
His mom talked to him a little bit ago. She also said I could come stay with her. But she lives right down the road from us. So I don’t think that would be good. But he told her that I have unreal expectations. That I demand that he quit drinking. And that he’s tried everything to make our marriage work. And that him quitting drinking will not help because I am not helpable. That’s not a word. But ya know. I don’t love him and I want to be in charge. He’s so stupid. How did this become my life. Like really????? I’m so upset. Oh and he told her about the whole barbershop incident. And admitted he actually said it. But not In that context. That the barber was talking about him and his wife having problems. So he told him about ours. And in great detail of how we don’t have sex. In a barbershop for everyone to hear. And magically leaves out that he’s drunk every night. Who really wants to sleep with someone like that. Am I crazy?? Really?? I’m starting to think I am.
Your Husband looks at everything through a veil of addiction. His thinking is not "right", when you are in contact with someone like that for a lot of time, you start to question yourself sometimes, I think that is normal.
If I see things THIS way and the other person has absolutely dug in their heels and sees things THAT way, am I right to be thinking what I'm thinking, am I not viewing this correctly, is my perception off?
Well no. You are talking to and dealing with an addict, every thing he says and does is in support of his addiction, it has become part of him, one and the same.
I think an example would be, from someone with "normal" thinking patterns:
I'm sitting here in the barbershop with people around, why the heck would I discuss my marriage.
From the addict with abnormal thinking patterns:
Not only will I discuss my marriage in front of all these strangers, hell I'll discuss our sex life too!
See, does the fact that you dislike that he did that and think it's appalling make you crazy? I don't think so.
I can imagine how the conversation went with the Mother as well, all very one sided. This truly is not about you.
The Addict's Dilemma
Unless one understands this inability of the addict to envision in any depth and for any significant duration a meaningful and worthwhile future for himself without what to him has long since become the comfort and security of his addiction, he will not be able to make sense of the ways in which the addict is constantly and usually successfully drawn back to his addiction like the moth to the candle flame. Nor will he be able to comprehend why the addict often appears to sacrifice his life, his fortune and his sacred honor –usually in the reverse order- to the demands of his obviously absurd monomaniacal obsession
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