Alcoholic Boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 79
Alcoholic Boyfriend
Hello all,
Thanks for allowing me to share here. I have 3.5 years in recovery from alcoholism. To say my life has changed for the much better is an understatement.
Unfortunately now I'm on the opposite end of things. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. We have been together for 6 months and in the last couple of months I've started noticing his decline more.
It's a hard place for me to be because this is the first person I've been serious with since getting sober. It figures this would happen, ha.
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking at things thru my own recovery lens, if I was in denial at first, or if maybe I didn't trust my feelings because "maybe some people can handle drinking more".
Well yeah, it's a problem now.
I just want to talk to people who have been here. After lots of talking and me expressing my concerns, and making sure he knows I'm supportive of his recovery..he went to 1 AA meeting Sunday, and he said he is willing to start therapy. He hasn't yet, so who knows if he really will. I hope he does.
I'm just so tired of the lying, the disappointment, him missing big life events and letting me down. But I also love this person, there's no denying.
I'm so lost.
Thanks for allowing me to share here. I have 3.5 years in recovery from alcoholism. To say my life has changed for the much better is an understatement.
Unfortunately now I'm on the opposite end of things. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. We have been together for 6 months and in the last couple of months I've started noticing his decline more.
It's a hard place for me to be because this is the first person I've been serious with since getting sober. It figures this would happen, ha.
Sometimes I can't tell if I'm looking at things thru my own recovery lens, if I was in denial at first, or if maybe I didn't trust my feelings because "maybe some people can handle drinking more".
Well yeah, it's a problem now.
I just want to talk to people who have been here. After lots of talking and me expressing my concerns, and making sure he knows I'm supportive of his recovery..he went to 1 AA meeting Sunday, and he said he is willing to start therapy. He hasn't yet, so who knows if he really will. I hope he does.
I'm just so tired of the lying, the disappointment, him missing big life events and letting me down. But I also love this person, there's no denying.
I'm so lost.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Gretel,
Congratulations on three and a half years recovery. That is a awesome. I know that was a hard journey for you to make. You should be proud of yourself. Don't feel lost, You found us here at SR. We can help guide you or just lend an ear to vent.
It's good that he went to a AA meeting and he is willing to start therapy. But he has to follow through with this. He needs to have a plan. I know you know the drill, you did it yourself. This is his journey. You have shown yourself that you don't want a life that is filled with drinking, lying and all the stuff that alcohol brings with it.
You love this person and have told him your boundaries and concerns. The only thing left is to see if he follows through or drags his feet. Hopefully it's to get help. Keep posting . Keep being strong and have a great day.
Congratulations on three and a half years recovery. That is a awesome. I know that was a hard journey for you to make. You should be proud of yourself. Don't feel lost, You found us here at SR. We can help guide you or just lend an ear to vent.
It's good that he went to a AA meeting and he is willing to start therapy. But he has to follow through with this. He needs to have a plan. I know you know the drill, you did it yourself. This is his journey. You have shown yourself that you don't want a life that is filled with drinking, lying and all the stuff that alcohol brings with it.
You love this person and have told him your boundaries and concerns. The only thing left is to see if he follows through or drags his feet. Hopefully it's to get help. Keep posting . Keep being strong and have a great day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
I agree will ironwill, what he does now is key. He needs to work some type of program and be committed to change. About 2 years ago, I was where you are now. My boyfriend also agreed to go to AA and therapy, and went once each. He wasn’t following through with that for himself at that time. Things were up and down from there, but eventually down (my story is here in a thread). I hope all goes well for you, take care of yourself. Congrats on your own recovery, that’s wonderful!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Hi Gretel, welcome!
Actions not words. The only thing to watch is his actions. Words can be cheap, if he is saying one thing but doing another, you have your answer.
While you have been successful in your recovery, not everyone is, it can take months or years (or never) for someone to decide to stop drinking and get in to recovery.
Really the question should maybe be about you, not him?
What do you want? Are you willing to go on, what might be a rollercoaster ride for perhaps years with this person. Continuous disappointment, lying to protect himself and his addiction? It has been six months. Maybe you will consider a separation until he decides to get sober? Maybe you have already had enough?
I'm sure he has many great attributes or you wouldn't be with him, however, you know first hand what recovery is like. He has to be strongly committed and convinced that this is what he would like to do.
You have zero control over this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
This is your relationship, is that what you want?
Actions not words. The only thing to watch is his actions. Words can be cheap, if he is saying one thing but doing another, you have your answer.
While you have been successful in your recovery, not everyone is, it can take months or years (or never) for someone to decide to stop drinking and get in to recovery.
Really the question should maybe be about you, not him?
What do you want? Are you willing to go on, what might be a rollercoaster ride for perhaps years with this person. Continuous disappointment, lying to protect himself and his addiction? It has been six months. Maybe you will consider a separation until he decides to get sober? Maybe you have already had enough?
I'm sure he has many great attributes or you wouldn't be with him, however, you know first hand what recovery is like. He has to be strongly committed and convinced that this is what he would like to do.
You have zero control over this. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
I'm just so tired of the lying, the disappointment, him missing big life events and letting me down.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Gretel123 
I have 3.5 years in recovery from alcoholism....My boyfriend is an alcoholic. We have been together for 6 months....this is the first person I've been serious with since getting sober. It figures this would happen, ha.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
six months and you are sure it's LOVE you feel? not wishful thinking of some emotion that really isn't present? because you also admit to feeling disappointed, let down, being lied to, him not being present.
you know where this is going. if you want to help someone get sober, then sponsor someone. i know that sounds harsh, but it's easy in early recovery (yours) to want to proselytize and spread the good news. but your BF is not a project.
why HIM?
you know where this is going. if you want to help someone get sober, then sponsor someone. i know that sounds harsh, but it's easy in early recovery (yours) to want to proselytize and spread the good news. but your BF is not a project.
why HIM?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Gretel.....I must say that Anvilhead makes a good point.
6 months is still well within the Rose Colored Glasses period. It is a state of Attraction...but, not enough time for a mature love to develop.
Oh yeah---It does feel GREAT---if feels like a drug high...because it is fueled by a cascade of powerful bonding hormones....which are triggered by the brain during early Attraction.
I think it is serious red flags that there are already cracks in what is normally a very blissful time in an early relationship. A fore shadowing of what is to come. That would be true even if there was no alcoholism in the relationship.....Early cracks, such as you describe, usually means that he is not the one for you.....
Have you shared this with your sponsor?...or, your step group?
6 months is still well within the Rose Colored Glasses period. It is a state of Attraction...but, not enough time for a mature love to develop.
Oh yeah---It does feel GREAT---if feels like a drug high...because it is fueled by a cascade of powerful bonding hormones....which are triggered by the brain during early Attraction.
I think it is serious red flags that there are already cracks in what is normally a very blissful time in an early relationship. A fore shadowing of what is to come. That would be true even if there was no alcoholism in the relationship.....Early cracks, such as you describe, usually means that he is not the one for you.....
Have you shared this with your sponsor?...or, your step group?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you being involved with an active alcoholic is putting your own recovery in jeopardy. Have you considered Alanon? It was a lifesaver for me to realize I'm powerless over people, places and things.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Gretel,
Prayer, meditation, one-day-at-a-time recovery and more is revealed, in Higher Power's timing, if we stay open to it.
It's okay to leave the relationship.
It's okay to follow whatever path is meant to be yours.
I'm glad you're here. Posting often can help navigate the emotions we go through.
Prayer, meditation, one-day-at-a-time recovery and more is revealed, in Higher Power's timing, if we stay open to it.
It's okay to leave the relationship.
It's okay to follow whatever path is meant to be yours.
I'm glad you're here. Posting often can help navigate the emotions we go through.
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