Marriage Problems vs Addiction Problems
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 40
Your husband’s arguments and protests are almost word for word VERBATIM the arguments and protests I have heard from my AH. Everyone drinks, he wants to assert his independence, I am just hyper sensitive and overreacting, etc etc. And every time he told me these things, I questioned myself, over and over again. Over time I felt like I was literally going to jump out of my skin... like every single nerve ending I have was completely fried. And I finally got to the point where I HAD to have my space. It didn’t matter to me if it was my fault, his fault, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s fault...it didn’t matter if everyone and their grandma thought I was crazy. I couldn’t tolerate my own life for one more minute. Something had to give or there would be no more questioning if I was crazy or not.
I don’t think I did anything but cry for the first month after AH moved out. Nothing in my life felt right. I felt completely raw, and vulnerable, like all those fried nerve endings were exposed to the whole world. But I have peace and quiet now. I have distance from AH and his drinking, and with that I have been gaining a clarity and perspective about my situation that absolutely could not happen if I was still living with him.
You absolutely need time away in your own space, FWN. You need to be able to just be YOU. And by moving, you are also showing your children that sometimes the right decision is the hardest one. Take this time for yourself.
I don’t think I did anything but cry for the first month after AH moved out. Nothing in my life felt right. I felt completely raw, and vulnerable, like all those fried nerve endings were exposed to the whole world. But I have peace and quiet now. I have distance from AH and his drinking, and with that I have been gaining a clarity and perspective about my situation that absolutely could not happen if I was still living with him.
You absolutely need time away in your own space, FWN. You need to be able to just be YOU. And by moving, you are also showing your children that sometimes the right decision is the hardest one. Take this time for yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
it is NOT normal to pass out drunk on your wedding night.
it is NOT normal to sneak beer into the hospital - ever.
it is NOT normal to write up multiple agreements about how many drinks someone is "allowed" to have - and do so repeatedly for years.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
What HeadEast and anvil have referred to, regarding the multiple "drinking contracts" and so on, is evidence of just how skewed your world has become. Remember how I'd told you about the view from the valley vs the view from the hilltop, and that "when we change the things we look at, the things we look at change"? I hope that you come back to these posts a few months down the line and look at these things, just to see how true that saying is...
XAH also told me all the same things others here have mentioned--he ignored me, did the opposite of what I asked him to, and drank and smoked secretly "to be independent." He told me that he didn't want to be a "yes, dear." Well, I guess that worked, in the end, didn't it?
He complained of a lack of physical intimacy, yet would go w/o showering until he had brown gunk built up between his toes. There was also no emotional intimacy due to the lying and deceiving, yet he claimed to not understand why I wouldn't want the former w/o the latter, not to mention the poor hygiene.
And he accused me of "rushing to divorce" even though it had been 5 years from when the drinking became a problem for me until the date the divorce was finalized. Never mind that he could have stopped the whole process at any point by starting ANY form of actual recovery. Instead, he'd poured his energy into pretending to go to AA meetings, hiding his drinking and smoking from me, and gaslighting me to keep me off balance.
Like the others said, it's almost as if there's a script. Even though each of our A's is an individual, they all did almost exactly the same things when push finally came to shove. Sounds like yours read the same book.
XAH also told me all the same things others here have mentioned--he ignored me, did the opposite of what I asked him to, and drank and smoked secretly "to be independent." He told me that he didn't want to be a "yes, dear." Well, I guess that worked, in the end, didn't it?
He complained of a lack of physical intimacy, yet would go w/o showering until he had brown gunk built up between his toes. There was also no emotional intimacy due to the lying and deceiving, yet he claimed to not understand why I wouldn't want the former w/o the latter, not to mention the poor hygiene.
And he accused me of "rushing to divorce" even though it had been 5 years from when the drinking became a problem for me until the date the divorce was finalized. Never mind that he could have stopped the whole process at any point by starting ANY form of actual recovery. Instead, he'd poured his energy into pretending to go to AA meetings, hiding his drinking and smoking from me, and gaslighting me to keep me off balance.
Like the others said, it's almost as if there's a script. Even though each of our A's is an individual, they all did almost exactly the same things when push finally came to shove. Sounds like yours read the same book.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I'd agree that "Marriage problems vs. addiction problems" kind of misses the point. If a partner treats you poorly, (is rude, inconsiderate, doesn't make time for your relationship, spends money the two of you can't afford on things that aren't priorities) does it matter why? It's still up to that person to choose a different path, or continue on the one he or she is walking.
A lot of people drink heavily in young adulthood. Come the first or second hangover, or an OUI, or some other extraordinary incident, most people re-think the idea of getting wasted. Many people who do drink, abuse alcohol occasionally but never become addicted. If their doctors said, "You need to quit" it wouldn't even be a question - they'd quit.
A lot of people drink heavily in young adulthood. Come the first or second hangover, or an OUI, or some other extraordinary incident, most people re-think the idea of getting wasted. Many people who do drink, abuse alcohol occasionally but never become addicted. If their doctors said, "You need to quit" it wouldn't even be a question - they'd quit.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
#triggeralert
When I think about the physical abuse that the woman who took care of us employed to keep us in line, I sometimes wonder the same thing too. She used needles, she tore our stuffed animals, she threw liquid in our faces, she only used a soft slipper to whack at us, but she never left any marks.
Then I realized that was the entire point. She did just enough to browbeat us, but no so much that there would be evidence left behind. It was just enough for us to wake up everyday wondering if today was the day we would set her off.
My sister claimed that she didn't abuse us when I finally spilled the beans in college. If you read through my previous posts, you can figure how that minimization tactic worked out for her. This survival mechanism, which got my sister and I through childhood without suffering a psychotic break, eventually fails in a pretty spectacular fashion. I got suicidal. She turned to drugs. Decades later, I still go to therapy to deal with the aftermath.
You don't want your kids to go through the same exercise. You don't want them to learn how to minimize the craziness to the point that they begin to question their own sanity, which is what I suspect you went through in order to survive your own marriage. I read your list of incidents, and it makes me so sad. You are not crazy. You are doing the right thing.
When I think about the physical abuse that the woman who took care of us employed to keep us in line, I sometimes wonder the same thing too. She used needles, she tore our stuffed animals, she threw liquid in our faces, she only used a soft slipper to whack at us, but she never left any marks.
Then I realized that was the entire point. She did just enough to browbeat us, but no so much that there would be evidence left behind. It was just enough for us to wake up everyday wondering if today was the day we would set her off.
My sister claimed that she didn't abuse us when I finally spilled the beans in college. If you read through my previous posts, you can figure how that minimization tactic worked out for her. This survival mechanism, which got my sister and I through childhood without suffering a psychotic break, eventually fails in a pretty spectacular fashion. I got suicidal. She turned to drugs. Decades later, I still go to therapy to deal with the aftermath.
You don't want your kids to go through the same exercise. You don't want them to learn how to minimize the craziness to the point that they begin to question their own sanity, which is what I suspect you went through in order to survive your own marriage. I read your list of incidents, and it makes me so sad. You are not crazy. You are doing the right thing.
My sister also was in denial of our father’s alcoholic sadistic abuses while my method of coping was to refuse to be terrified. I became the target and she joined in to align with him... the dysfunctional family complete with codependent terrified mom haunts us to this day. My father died in his addiction, my brother also died young an alcoholic who overdosed poly drug use and my sister and I struggle to mend long broken relationships. My sister is now married to a n alcoholic and I have always been attracted to the charming, attractive center of attention in the room... someone like my dad I could get the love I never got as a child.
i tell you all this because you ARE doing the right thing... for your kids! And... get them counseling so they understand the relational dynamics and the family disease of alcoholism. Stop the generational damage... I did get my children counseling and neither drinks, uses drugs and have healthy loving normal relationships... it wasn’t from watching me! It was my getting them counseling and NOT wanting to make the mistakes their parents made.
Their dad? Died... addicted to opiates from a motorcycle wreck... switched addiction from a lifelong cocaine addiction.
You can protect them... education about this horrible disease and counseling for the entire family with a good professional who fully understands addiction.
Good luck... your future can be very bright... whether he drinks or not.
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