Marriage Problems vs Addiction Problems
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Marriage Problems vs Addiction Problems
Movers come today and I woke up this morning with such anxiety as my mind is just reeling through memories. How I've been married for 10.5 years, and how much alcohol has played a part in our marital arguments for at least 8 of them. How did I allow this to go on for so long and not see? How have I been IGNORANT to the concept of addiction?
For those of you who aren't following my story, I am a 34 year old wife of an AH. We have 3 young children. He's an active and attentive father. My husband and I get along very well with the exception of his drinking. He doesn't drink every day, he hasn't drank this time in 2 weeks and 1 day. He doesn't have withdrawals. He doesn't have a smell when he sleeps. And he only seems to drink when he does around the hours of 5-7pm for the most part on week days. He doesn't go out to bars. He keeps a good job. He doesn't pass out in an EZ chair every night with a beer in his hand. He doesn't pee the bed. To him, he's a 'normal' drinker and 'just like everyone else he knows' that drinks regularly.
But these are the memories that are reeling through my mind today. The memories I HAVEN'T documented here in the past 6 months since learning that he has an addiction, learning what addiction even was.
> how he'd come home from working in the fall of 2015 and I could tell something was off. He'd make me feel like I was crazy, it was all in my head. And then I found many hand held sized boxed wines in the trash in the garage. And I somehow thought to go through all of our credit card statements and found that several times a week for 3 entire months he'd stop by the 7 eleven gas station and pick up wine and drink it on the way home. I wrote it out on a calendar to make sense of it all. He was SUPER stressed about work he said. So he lied and deceived. I got rid of all of the alcohol in our house at that point and started seeing a therapist about our 'marriage problems'... as always, he convinced me 'he'd do better'
> all the times I had to be the DD. We'd go out with friends 30 minutes away and then I'd always end up driving home, looking over at him falling asleep sitting up in the passengers side.
> all of the WRITTEN AGREEMENTS we used to make back between 2012-2015. How many drinks he was going to have this week, how many nights off drinking he'd planned. Always always we'd end up 'renegotiating'
> all of the times he was going to have 'one mixed drink' and it would be a massive mixed drink in a yeti cup
> I vividly remember being pregnant with our second child in early 2015 telling AH that I just cannot do this with his drinking anymore, it's too stressful. And he always promises me he'd do better. Somehow I'd always believed him.
> always seeing the bottles of liquor in the garage fridge get lower and lower and then get restocked. I wasn't drinking these. It was just amaretto he said. It's low alcohol volume so he can have more he said.
> how he got drunk and passed out as soon as we got to our hotel room on our wedding night
> how he'd snuck beers into the hospital after the birth of our second child in October 2015 and how a security officer had to take them from him. Because he 'thought I'd want to celebrate'....
> how almost every photo of our past with our kids and not with our kids there is a drink in the background
> how he scoffed at the idea of 'taking January off drinking' like some of our friends do after the holiday season
> how I'd told my therapist with him sitting right next to me after she asked' how would you feel if he moved to X city (where we lived now) and you didn't go?' and my immediate response was 'relieved'. I didn't want to come here because I was SO TIRED of his drinking. The negotiating. The disappointment.
> I used to have a planner specifically to tick off how many drinks he'd had that night. To show him how many days he'd drank this month. Because maybe THEN he'd see what I see.
There's more. So many more small memories and disappointments and promises he'll do better. Now let me say at the same time I'm not innocent in all of this. I was a person who drank when we first met, and for the longest time I was drinking right beside him. It was fun. But right around the time I became pregnant with our first child in 2012 and stopped drinking I started seeing things in a new light. He was not a person who stopped drinking in solidarity, he kept on keeping on. And ever since it's slowly worn away at our marriage. And then when I started learning about addiction in June of this year and watching him lie to my face that he'd had nothing to drink. And clearly he had. Watching him say he won't drink tonight while I go to the store and he's with my kids and he picks up a drink anyway. Hearing him say that he has no idea why he picked up that drink and he knew he shouldn't. Hearing him tell me that it's ME, I'm the problem. I'm crazy and should just relax and not pay so much attention to him drinking.
I say all of this because I'm processing the fact that I'm leaving tomorrow. How up until 6 months ago I thought we had 'normal marital problems' and that was the explanation for his drinking. I act fine about it for the most part but this is torture. He doesn't want me to go, he hasn't drank in 2 weeks, he PROMISES it's different this time, that he'll do better and if I'd just stay until the summer he'd see. He'd prove it to me. But I've heard all of this before. SO MANY TIMES. How can I stay? It's so tempting. I start to think 'maybe he doesn't really have a problem and maybe I'm too controlling and maybe I should give him another chance before I make such a big move'. But if I did that, I'd be trapped here until summer. I want to keep my kids in their school for at least a semester, I'm trying to make their lives seem as normal as possible.
My head says I'm doing the right thing. But inside I'm so sad, so angry, so frustrated, so hurt. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. But goodness gracious I hope I'm not making a huge mistake.
At the same time, I'd not change my past for anything. I have the 3 most amazing children and I'd do it all over again to have them.
I'm just scared because I don't know where this leads. And sometimes I think I've just over-dramatized my situation and maybe there's something wrong with me, that I'm too neurotic. That I should just be fine staying here in this amazing house and be thankful that my husband provides such a good life for us.
For those of you who aren't following my story, I am a 34 year old wife of an AH. We have 3 young children. He's an active and attentive father. My husband and I get along very well with the exception of his drinking. He doesn't drink every day, he hasn't drank this time in 2 weeks and 1 day. He doesn't have withdrawals. He doesn't have a smell when he sleeps. And he only seems to drink when he does around the hours of 5-7pm for the most part on week days. He doesn't go out to bars. He keeps a good job. He doesn't pass out in an EZ chair every night with a beer in his hand. He doesn't pee the bed. To him, he's a 'normal' drinker and 'just like everyone else he knows' that drinks regularly.
But these are the memories that are reeling through my mind today. The memories I HAVEN'T documented here in the past 6 months since learning that he has an addiction, learning what addiction even was.
> how he'd come home from working in the fall of 2015 and I could tell something was off. He'd make me feel like I was crazy, it was all in my head. And then I found many hand held sized boxed wines in the trash in the garage. And I somehow thought to go through all of our credit card statements and found that several times a week for 3 entire months he'd stop by the 7 eleven gas station and pick up wine and drink it on the way home. I wrote it out on a calendar to make sense of it all. He was SUPER stressed about work he said. So he lied and deceived. I got rid of all of the alcohol in our house at that point and started seeing a therapist about our 'marriage problems'... as always, he convinced me 'he'd do better'
> all the times I had to be the DD. We'd go out with friends 30 minutes away and then I'd always end up driving home, looking over at him falling asleep sitting up in the passengers side.
> all of the WRITTEN AGREEMENTS we used to make back between 2012-2015. How many drinks he was going to have this week, how many nights off drinking he'd planned. Always always we'd end up 'renegotiating'
> all of the times he was going to have 'one mixed drink' and it would be a massive mixed drink in a yeti cup
> I vividly remember being pregnant with our second child in early 2015 telling AH that I just cannot do this with his drinking anymore, it's too stressful. And he always promises me he'd do better. Somehow I'd always believed him.
> always seeing the bottles of liquor in the garage fridge get lower and lower and then get restocked. I wasn't drinking these. It was just amaretto he said. It's low alcohol volume so he can have more he said.
> how he got drunk and passed out as soon as we got to our hotel room on our wedding night
> how he'd snuck beers into the hospital after the birth of our second child in October 2015 and how a security officer had to take them from him. Because he 'thought I'd want to celebrate'....
> how almost every photo of our past with our kids and not with our kids there is a drink in the background
> how he scoffed at the idea of 'taking January off drinking' like some of our friends do after the holiday season
> how I'd told my therapist with him sitting right next to me after she asked' how would you feel if he moved to X city (where we lived now) and you didn't go?' and my immediate response was 'relieved'. I didn't want to come here because I was SO TIRED of his drinking. The negotiating. The disappointment.
> I used to have a planner specifically to tick off how many drinks he'd had that night. To show him how many days he'd drank this month. Because maybe THEN he'd see what I see.
There's more. So many more small memories and disappointments and promises he'll do better. Now let me say at the same time I'm not innocent in all of this. I was a person who drank when we first met, and for the longest time I was drinking right beside him. It was fun. But right around the time I became pregnant with our first child in 2012 and stopped drinking I started seeing things in a new light. He was not a person who stopped drinking in solidarity, he kept on keeping on. And ever since it's slowly worn away at our marriage. And then when I started learning about addiction in June of this year and watching him lie to my face that he'd had nothing to drink. And clearly he had. Watching him say he won't drink tonight while I go to the store and he's with my kids and he picks up a drink anyway. Hearing him say that he has no idea why he picked up that drink and he knew he shouldn't. Hearing him tell me that it's ME, I'm the problem. I'm crazy and should just relax and not pay so much attention to him drinking.
I say all of this because I'm processing the fact that I'm leaving tomorrow. How up until 6 months ago I thought we had 'normal marital problems' and that was the explanation for his drinking. I act fine about it for the most part but this is torture. He doesn't want me to go, he hasn't drank in 2 weeks, he PROMISES it's different this time, that he'll do better and if I'd just stay until the summer he'd see. He'd prove it to me. But I've heard all of this before. SO MANY TIMES. How can I stay? It's so tempting. I start to think 'maybe he doesn't really have a problem and maybe I'm too controlling and maybe I should give him another chance before I make such a big move'. But if I did that, I'd be trapped here until summer. I want to keep my kids in their school for at least a semester, I'm trying to make their lives seem as normal as possible.
My head says I'm doing the right thing. But inside I'm so sad, so angry, so frustrated, so hurt. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. But goodness gracious I hope I'm not making a huge mistake.
At the same time, I'd not change my past for anything. I have the 3 most amazing children and I'd do it all over again to have them.
I'm just scared because I don't know where this leads. And sometimes I think I've just over-dramatized my situation and maybe there's something wrong with me, that I'm too neurotic. That I should just be fine staying here in this amazing house and be thankful that my husband provides such a good life for us.
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Location: Chicago
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You do not have to worry about "where all this leads" right now. There is no way of knowing, and no way of controlling, where this leads.
All you have to worry about is doing the Next Right Thing.
Doing that isn't always going to feel terrific, it's true. But that doesn't mean it isn't right for you.
All you have to worry about is doing the Next Right Thing.
Doing that isn't always going to feel terrific, it's true. But that doesn't mean it isn't right for you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If he really wants to do the right thing, he will do so if you are there or if you are not. Time and actions will most certainly tell. Because you leave for six months does not mean it's over. It means he has some choices to make about his life, and you yours.
Sending you huge hugs.
Sending you huge hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Sounds like you are describing a great deal of my friends. Although we are around 40 now, I noticed how most of them continued their drinking habits throughout their 30s---habits that we all formed in high school, college, and after. Personally I really slowed/stopped in mid 20s, just didn't like feeling like crap all the time. These are all highly educated, fairly to highly successful people with kids. It's almost as if they try to continue living the life of a college guy, while balancing work/family etc. For sure, raising kids is tough and they really seem to get some real benefit from the much too frequent drinking. Of course, most are likely totally unaware of the residual effects on those around them. I feel like this could be the case here---he seems like he is as much fighting the urge to grow up as much as he is the actual drinking (especially the beers into hospital thing, and the fact that you had "partied" with him as well previously, yet you obviously have greater priorities now, as does he, yet he tries to keep one foot over that old line of his youth). From my perspective, and again, I think what you described here I could apply to dozens of friends, I think what you are doing might be the wake up call he needs. At least, I would consider keeping it open ended and not the final move, like a trial separation from which you have nothing to lose. If it hits him the way it should and will, and moreso is the catalyst to change, it's a win for you and perhaps you can continue on the long journey of life together. But if it doesn't wake up, and he doesn't change his ways, you can move forward and be better off. Based on how you've described him, to me this seems as much of a maturity thing as anything else, and perhaps this will be just the firm kick in the ass that he truly needs. I can say with certainty I've seen it happen several times to similar sounding friends. Staying the course seems to be the best option, while also keeping an open mind for the future.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Originally Posted by California123 
Sounds like you are describing a great deal of my friends. Although we are around 40 now, I noticed how most of them continued their drinking habits throughout their 30s---habits that we all formed in high school, college, and after. Personally I really slowed/stopped in mid 20s, just didn't like feeling like crap all the time. These are all highly educated, fairly to highly successful people with kids. It's almost as if they try to continue living the life of a college guy, while balancing work/family etc. For sure, raising kids is tough and they really seem to get some real benefit from the much too frequent drinking. Of course, most are likely totally unaware of the residual effects on those around them. I feel like this could be the case here---he seems like he is as much fighting the urge to grow up as much as he is the actual drinking (especially the beers into hospital thing, and the fact that you had "partied" with him as well previously, yet you obviously have greater priorities now, as does he, yet he tries to keep one foot over that old line of his youth). From my perspective, and again, I think what you described here I could apply to dozens of friends, I think what you are doing might be the wake up call he needs. At least, I would consider keeping it open ended and not the final move, like a trial separation from which you have nothing to lose. If it hits him the way it should and will, and moreso is the catalyst to change, it's a win for you and perhaps you can continue on the long journey of life together. But if it doesn't wake up, and he doesn't change his ways, you can move forward and be better off. Based on how you've described him, to me this seems as much of a maturity thing as anything else, and perhaps this will be just the firm kick in the ass that he truly needs. I can say with certainty I've seen it happen several times to similar sounding friends. Staying the course seems to be the best option, while also keeping an open mind for the future.
And he's right. Everyone around us drinks. But I imagine that other wives do not like their husbands drinking just as much as I don't, but they may not be as neurotic about it as I am. I can be no other way. I will not live like this, it's frigging miserable. My husband cannot just trample all over my feelings like they're nothing just because 'everyone else is doing it'..............................
Someone please WAKE ME UP FROM THIS BAD DREAM.
And you're right too. It's not permanent if we don't want it to be, if I don't want it to be. He's fully confident that we'll be back in 6 months because he will have fixed this problem and will be ready to move on with our lives. WE WILL SEE.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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FWN, my situation and feelings mirror yours almost exactly. The difference is I have put up with it for going on 20 years. It really is so hard for me to feel justified in my feelings (although I know intellectually I don't need my feelings justified 
) when I look around and it seems like literally everyone drinks to excess. I know the truth is that very few drink like my AH but it still seems like heavy drinking is so normal. I am so impressed with your strength and resolve! You deserve to be happy and live a life without a partner who makes you feel crazy every day. I truly believe you are doing the right thing. Big hugs to you!
) when I look around and it seems like literally everyone drinks to excess. I know the truth is that very few drink like my AH but it still seems like heavy drinking is so normal. I am so impressed with your strength and resolve! You deserve to be happy and live a life without a partner who makes you feel crazy every day. I truly believe you are doing the right thing. Big hugs to you!
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And sometimes I think I've just over-dramatized my situation and maybe there's something wrong with me, that I'm too neurotic.
When I think about the physical abuse that the woman who took care of us employed to keep us in line, I sometimes wonder the same thing too. She used needles, she tore our stuffed animals, she threw liquid in our faces, she only used a soft slipper to whack at us, but she never left any marks.
Then I realized that was the entire point. She did just enough to browbeat us, but no so much that there would be evidence left behind. It was just enough for us to wake up everyday wondering if today was the day we would set her off.
My sister claimed that she didn't abuse us when I finally spilled the beans in college. If you read through my previous posts, you can figure how that minimization tactic worked out for her. This survival mechanism, which got my sister and I through childhood without suffering a psychotic break, eventually fails in a pretty spectacular fashion. I got suicidal. She turned to drugs. Decades later, I still go to therapy to deal with the aftermath.
You don't want your kids to go through the same exercise. You don't want them to learn how to minimize the craziness to the point that they begin to question their own sanity, which is what I suspect you went through in order to survive your own marriage. I read your list of incidents, and it makes me so sad. You are not crazy. You are doing the right thing.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Originally Posted by FWN
That's such a good way of putting it. I keep trying to wrap my head around this situation, making sense of it all. Because it doesn't always add up, it does seem like it is AS MUCH a maturity issue as it is a drinking issue. He DEFINITELY has drinking issues, but he CAN take months off of drinking. He's always just so STUCK on 'but everyone else can do it' and trying to moderate etc. but he's shown me at least in our marriage that moderation is not a thing he can do anymore. It's just not. And as sad as that is for him and his social life, it just doesn't work with our marriage.
And he's right. Everyone around us drinks. But I imagine that other wives do not like their husbands drinking just as much as I don't, but they may not be as neurotic about it as I am. I can be no other way. I will not live like this, it's frigging miserable. My husband cannot just trample all over my feelings like they're nothing just because 'everyone else is doing it'..............................
Someone please WAKE ME UP FROM THIS BAD DREAM.
And you're right too. It's not permanent if we don't want it to be, if I don't want it to be. He's fully confident that we'll be back in 6 months because he will have fixed this problem and will be ready to move on with our lives. WE WILL SEE.
And he's right. Everyone around us drinks. But I imagine that other wives do not like their husbands drinking just as much as I don't, but they may not be as neurotic about it as I am. I can be no other way. I will not live like this, it's frigging miserable. My husband cannot just trample all over my feelings like they're nothing just because 'everyone else is doing it'..............................
Someone please WAKE ME UP FROM THIS BAD DREAM.
And you're right too. It's not permanent if we don't want it to be, if I don't want it to be. He's fully confident that we'll be back in 6 months because he will have fixed this problem and will be ready to move on with our lives. WE WILL SEE.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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From my veiwpoint, many of those, not all, drinking heavily in their 20's,30,s and 40's will get to their breaking point and become sober.
They will lose jobs, spouses, families, houses, friends, some will
lose their health before they accept what they have done and
are doing and that it's way past having a good time and much more
into feeding an addiction.
Those who drink heavily rely on it as THE coping tool in their life and
remain much less mature than their peers. This is what a recovery
program is about, teaching useful, productive coping skills.
It's no wonder couple grow apart, the alcoholic is treating his life
like a side gig, because the alcohol is their true love.
FWN it makes me sad to think about all the time and emotions
and energy you have spent these years trying to control
something you can't. It is also the thing I most regret in my
life- the lost/wasted time, energy and emotion that could
have been used in a much more life giving way. But that's
the thing about the family disease of alcoholism,
it's baffling, cunning and powerful. Best to respect
what your up against.
They will lose jobs, spouses, families, houses, friends, some will
lose their health before they accept what they have done and
are doing and that it's way past having a good time and much more
into feeding an addiction.
Those who drink heavily rely on it as THE coping tool in their life and
remain much less mature than their peers. This is what a recovery
program is about, teaching useful, productive coping skills.
It's no wonder couple grow apart, the alcoholic is treating his life
like a side gig, because the alcohol is their true love.
FWN it makes me sad to think about all the time and emotions
and energy you have spent these years trying to control
something you can't. It is also the thing I most regret in my
life- the lost/wasted time, energy and emotion that could
have been used in a much more life giving way. But that's
the thing about the family disease of alcoholism,
it's baffling, cunning and powerful. Best to respect
what your up against.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by California123
I can relate to this so much, seen it unfold countless times. The real key here will be just what type of behavior is acceptable when the trial ends. Will he be expected not to drink at all? Perhaps that might the outcome. Or maybe once or twice a month, he can go out with his buddies and let loose. The challenge will be figuring that out. If he doesn't drink at all, but wants to and actually CAN control it (to be determined), will he end up resenting you as he will likely be seeing all his friends continuing along their merry way doing the same thing they always have. Or, is he allowed to go out once a month and do his thing---even this could lead to him feeling like he's being "managed", something that could also lead to negative emotions between the two of you. From my experience, as men we like to at least "feel" like we have the ability to live the life we choose. To be able to choose on our own without being told. The best relationships seem to feature this, and the best men seem to be able to do it. Hopefully he has the awareness to be able to communicate with you and get a feeling of what is acceptable and what isn't. The is a very fine line between control and free will. Free will is the only way it will work, long term. For both of you. Nobody wants to have to control, or be controlled. And yes, there are many other women that would perfectly tolerate this behavior for whatever reason. But the simple fact is that you can't, and won't. Which is fine. I deal with this myself---i know damn well there are many guys that would put up with the actions of my current/somewhat ex partner. Probably even join along for that matter. But I can't, and won't. It's sad, because we love them, but at the end of the day we have to make the best moves to protect our state of mind. In my case it's blatantly obviously a problem and the only real cure is likely total abstinence, while in this case that is not quite as clear. I do think he has the ability to balance the two long term, the key will be figuring out what works and what doesn't, with the obvious lean towards cutting back in a major way or just stopping completely. Communication without demand is the likely key here, you're obviously quite serious and he knows that now, and this first step has proven that. Hang in there--
For the longest time I begged for balance. What's reasonable? Drinking a couple of times a week? A couple of beers? He doesn't get obliteratedly drunk (lol is that even a word?) these days. We went on a date several weeks ago (before I'd decided to leave) and he had literally a glass and a half of wine, we took the rest of the bottle home (I had a glass too). To me that's NORMAL. And he is CONSTANTLY using the ' I just want to have the freedom to make my own choices' and ' I did that because I felt like I was being controlled and wanted to display my independence.' And you're right, I know plenty of women would put up with this sh*t. But the reality is it's making me f*cking crazy. It makes me feel isolated and trapped in my own house. I don't like being embarrassed at social outings because he's drank too much.
If he just needs to grow up, then so be it. But he has to actually GROW UP. And have adult conversations of 'oh I know that drinking every night of the week is unreasonable' and 'I know I should pretty much never be drunk around the kids' etc. etc. that's what a responsible adult thinks and does. I don't want to continue to be the mother role here to my husband trying to tell him what is and is not reasonable. It would be nice if my super smart, super successful husband could be a grown up about drinking in his own home.
I've always liked to think there could be a balance with his drinking, but all he's ever shown me in the past is that we are on two completely different pages, two completely different chapters really, as to what is acceptable as far as alcohol consumption.
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You titled the thread, “Marriage Problems vs. Addiction Problems.”
For what you are doing right now, does it matter? You are, rightfully, utterly exhausted from being the only adult in the room. You need a break, you need to experience a life where you and your children are your primary focus, not your husband.
Some people can make their peace with not trying to stop or slow their partner’s slow-motion suicide by addiction and stay in the relationship. Maybe you will become that person, with some space.
But maybe you won’t and that’s just fine. He’s gained 120 pounds and is a heavy drinker. His health is going to start to fail. That’s another factor here...do you want your kids to have a front-row seat for that?
As they say, more will be revealed. But right now you need rest and peace and support.
Be gentle with yourself, yes? Just get through this day.
For what you are doing right now, does it matter? You are, rightfully, utterly exhausted from being the only adult in the room. You need a break, you need to experience a life where you and your children are your primary focus, not your husband.
Some people can make their peace with not trying to stop or slow their partner’s slow-motion suicide by addiction and stay in the relationship. Maybe you will become that person, with some space.
But maybe you won’t and that’s just fine. He’s gained 120 pounds and is a heavy drinker. His health is going to start to fail. That’s another factor here...do you want your kids to have a front-row seat for that?
As they say, more will be revealed. But right now you need rest and peace and support.
Be gentle with yourself, yes? Just get through this day.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
It would be foolish to believe that you could live for years in this
kind of angry, anxiety provoking, crazy making environment FWN.
Our own health suffers, and we become broken. This is not normal,
but rather void of any real emotional closeness and intimacy. It
leaves us in constant high stress turmoil, like a soldier in combat,
always scanning for the enemy, always strategizing for a good outcome.
It is mental illness in my book. We cannot expect ourselves to
just survive addiction without being scarred ourselves,
and having our children negatively impacted as well.
kind of angry, anxiety provoking, crazy making environment FWN.
Our own health suffers, and we become broken. This is not normal,
but rather void of any real emotional closeness and intimacy. It
leaves us in constant high stress turmoil, like a soldier in combat,
always scanning for the enemy, always strategizing for a good outcome.
It is mental illness in my book. We cannot expect ourselves to
just survive addiction without being scarred ourselves,
and having our children negatively impacted as well.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
I can mirror what Nd819 said. Married 21 years with 3 kids. We are currently separated almost 4 months. And although my story is not unfolding like I prayed it would (AH is still drinking) I am so happy I chose to give AH and me this time apart. My AH showed his true colors. It gave me time to come to grips with my inner most feelings & fears, it gave me my sanity back and most importantly it gave me the time alone I needed to show myself I WILL be okay if our marriage does not survive. Think of this time apart as YOUR time not your husbands. He’s gonna do what he's gonna do and you have no control over that. It’s hard to see now, I know, but this is the best next step you can give yourself and your kids. I can easily tell you all of this, but you have to experience it for yourself. It was very liberating for me and I hope it is for you too. I do wish your story has a happy ending. Either way this works out, know that you have tried your best, it’s not your fault and you have support here anytime.
Take Care
Take Care
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by California123
From my experience, as men we like to at least "feel" like we have the ability to live the life we choose. To be able to choose on our own without being told. The best relationships seem to feature this, and the best men seem to be able to do it. Hopefully he has the awareness to be able to communicate with you and get a feeling of what is acceptable and what isn't.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by FWN
At the same time, I'd not change my past for anything. I have the 3 most amazing children and I'd do it all over again to have them.
I'm just scared because I don't know where this leads. And sometimes I think I've just over-dramatized my situation and maybe there's something wrong with me, that I'm too neurotic. That I should just be fine staying here in this amazing house and be thankful that my husband provides such a good life for us.
I'm just scared because I don't know where this leads. And sometimes I think I've just over-dramatized my situation and maybe there's something wrong with me, that I'm too neurotic. That I should just be fine staying here in this amazing house and be thankful that my husband provides such a good life for us.
Another way to think of this perhaps is, if you still had the same children, would you have married him, knowing what you know now.
The only reason I point that out is because it's way too easy to romanticize sometimes. He gave me 3 beautiful children that I love more than anything - is a pretty big guilt/emotional statement (I know you get what I mean).
I think it's ok to be grateful that he provides a good income, to be grateful for what he does. It's not all black and white. Many alcoholics are not all good or all bad.
As for your earlier drinking with him and accepting your part in it, I don't really understand that. How many of us started out having fun out, drinking with our partner and then when children and work and mortgages came along that became a side thing that we might have fun doing - say once a year! That's pretty normal I think.
Your husband shows all the signs of addiction and I wouldn't hold on too tight to his proclamations of sobriety either. The beers in the garage, the hiding etc, no reason to think that still doesn't go on, he hasn't changed one bit and I think you know that and that is why the moving van is there.
You're going to be fine you know FWN, regardless of how this all washes out. You will find your way.
This is terribly hard, I know, but things will settle and your mind will get clarity and you will see the way forward.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by FWN
For the longest time I begged for balance. What's reasonable? Drinking a couple of times a week? A couple of beers? He doesn't get obliteratedly drunk (lol is that even a word?) these days. We went on a date several weeks ago (before I'd decided to leave) and he had literally a glass and a half of wine, we took the rest of the bottle home (I had a glass too). To me that's NORMAL. And he is CONSTANTLY using the ' I just want to have the freedom to make my own choices' and ' I did that because I felt like I was being controlled and wanted to display my independence.' And you're right, I know plenty of women would put up with this sh*t. But the reality is it's making me f*cking crazy. It makes me feel isolated and trapped in my own house. I don't like being embarrassed at social outings because he's drank too much.
If he just needs to grow up, then so be it. But he has to actually GROW UP. And have adult conversations of 'oh I know that drinking every night of the week is unreasonable' and 'I know I should pretty much never be drunk around the kids' etc. etc. that's what a responsible adult thinks and does. I don't want to continue to be the mother role here to my husband trying to tell him what is and is not reasonable. It would be nice if my super smart, super successful husband could be a grown up about drinking in his own home.
I've always liked to think there could be a balance with his drinking, but all he's ever shown me in the past is that we are on two completely different pages, two completely different chapters really, as to what is acceptable as far as alcohol consumption.
If he just needs to grow up, then so be it. But he has to actually GROW UP. And have adult conversations of 'oh I know that drinking every night of the week is unreasonable' and 'I know I should pretty much never be drunk around the kids' etc. etc. that's what a responsible adult thinks and does. I don't want to continue to be the mother role here to my husband trying to tell him what is and is not reasonable. It would be nice if my super smart, super successful husband could be a grown up about drinking in his own home.
I've always liked to think there could be a balance with his drinking, but all he's ever shown me in the past is that we are on two completely different pages, two completely different chapters really, as to what is acceptable as far as alcohol consumption.
It blows my mind when he tells me "I'm trying. I really am." Yet, he's swaying, he smells like alcohol, and Alexa can't understand what he says because he slurs (yet it's all her fault). It's hard to see beyond the drunk that has taken over my husband. How did such a smart, caring man get to this place? And how does he not yet see it?
I've thought many, many times that my husband was immature. He lacks coping skills. The rationality has been draining from him. It's getting replaced with defensiveness, blame, shame, depression, and lots of anger.
I started keeping a journal about 3 months ago so I can see how things are progressing. It also reminds of the important things that I want to talk to my therapist about. Are the things that we experience normal ? Is the fighting normal for a marriage? Am I dramatizing things? Am I not compassionate enough? Empathic enough? Forgiving enough? I question myself time and time again. I think we kinda get used to things. We gradually get used to the crap. But yet, deep down, we know that this isn't right and we desire to have sanity again.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
> how he got drunk and passed out as soon as we got to our hotel room on our wedding night
> how he'd snuck beers into the hospital after the birth of our second child in October 2015 and how a security officer had to take them from him. Because he 'thought I'd want to celebrate'....
ya know, right after i gave birth to my daughter, i was thinking....man i sure wish i had a nice warm beer right now!???
it is NOT normal to pass out drunk on your wedding night.
it is NOT normal to sneak beer into the hospital - ever.
it is NOT normal to write up multiple agreements about how many drinks someone is "allowed" to have - and do so repeatedly for years.
his drinking has been a problem for a long time. he came into the marriage WITH it. it has been the Sister Wife.
time and distance will do wonders for your perspective. and allow you to get away from the Alcohol Problem. you deserve a break.
> how he'd snuck beers into the hospital after the birth of our second child in October 2015 and how a security officer had to take them from him. Because he 'thought I'd want to celebrate'....
ya know, right after i gave birth to my daughter, i was thinking....man i sure wish i had a nice warm beer right now!???
it is NOT normal to pass out drunk on your wedding night.
it is NOT normal to sneak beer into the hospital - ever.
it is NOT normal to write up multiple agreements about how many drinks someone is "allowed" to have - and do so repeatedly for years.
his drinking has been a problem for a long time. he came into the marriage WITH it. it has been the Sister Wife.
time and distance will do wonders for your perspective. and allow you to get away from the Alcohol Problem. you deserve a break.
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