Thoughts about THERAPY
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Thoughts about THERAPY
Since XAF broke up I started seeing a therapist. I’ve been very honesty and open in therapy. I’m not trying to look perfect or hiding my short comings and emotions. I am really committed to recovery. However I am not sure my therapist is leading me properly. And I am saying that based on many old posts I’ve been reading here from some of you who used this kind of help.
Im not going to a therapist to hear something to make me feel better, in fact I’m disclosing all the things I’am ashamed of etc etc. However my therapist only tell me things like “oh well that must be hard, that must be hurtful, where do we go from here, I am so sorry,” or sometimes she will close her eyes and make this painful face, I wonder if she is even paying attention to what I am saying.
in the beginning she gave me a few books to read. ACOA and Codependent no more which opened my eyes to so many things I wasn’t aware, and these books gave me awareness to were my problems comes from. I am even able to forget about all the pain the A caused me and focus on myself and what I was doing to him and myself. (Although I am still in a lot of pain and I miss him terribly).
I never knew how to forgive, how to trust, how to be happy, how to love myself .... be able to say those things hurts, after all who wants to be a person who is unable to any of the above or fill in the blank.
im open to try anything and I find it frustrating that the feeling my therapist gives me is that she feels sorry for whatever I say and oh well ...
Is that how therapy should be, or maybe is not working for me, or is it me? Any thoughts?
Im not going to a therapist to hear something to make me feel better, in fact I’m disclosing all the things I’am ashamed of etc etc. However my therapist only tell me things like “oh well that must be hard, that must be hurtful, where do we go from here, I am so sorry,” or sometimes she will close her eyes and make this painful face, I wonder if she is even paying attention to what I am saying.
in the beginning she gave me a few books to read. ACOA and Codependent no more which opened my eyes to so many things I wasn’t aware, and these books gave me awareness to were my problems comes from. I am even able to forget about all the pain the A caused me and focus on myself and what I was doing to him and myself. (Although I am still in a lot of pain and I miss him terribly).
I never knew how to forgive, how to trust, how to be happy, how to love myself .... be able to say those things hurts, after all who wants to be a person who is unable to any of the above or fill in the blank.
im open to try anything and I find it frustrating that the feeling my therapist gives me is that she feels sorry for whatever I say and oh well ...
Is that how therapy should be, or maybe is not working for me, or is it me? Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
I have never been to therapy but I guarantee you that's not how it's supposed to be.
Sounds more like having coffee with an acquaintance than therapy.
You need tools to deal with your feelings - not platitudes!
It's great she recommended the books, but did she follow up, have you discussed co-dependency? Alcoholism? Tools you can use to calm yourself, ways to find clarity in your thinking, how to stop rumination, insight on alcoholism? How to build your self-esteem and feel good about yourself?
How long have you been seeing her?
I would certainly be looking for another therapist.
Sounds more like having coffee with an acquaintance than therapy.
You need tools to deal with your feelings - not platitudes!
It's great she recommended the books, but did she follow up, have you discussed co-dependency? Alcoholism? Tools you can use to calm yourself, ways to find clarity in your thinking, how to stop rumination, insight on alcoholism? How to build your self-esteem and feel good about yourself?
How long have you been seeing her?
I would certainly be looking for another therapist.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
It's great she recommended the books, but did she follow up, have you discussed co-dependency? Alcoholism? Tools you can use to calm yourself, ways to find clarity in your thinking, how to stop rumination, insight on alcoholism? How to build your self-esteem and feel good about yourself?
How long have you been seeing her?
I would certainly be looking for another therapist.
How long have you been seeing her?
I would certainly be looking for another therapist.
Every visit she ask me “so what is going on” , and since I’m going once a week some times my feelings are the same, I take step back ... is more like I’m trying to figure how to deal with all my issues all by myself, but I though therapy was supposed to help me see what I’m overlooking or not seeing at all. Idk
By reading a lot here, books, YouTube etc, also investigating my family history, I discovered MOST people in my family are alcoholics, uncles, aunties, grandfather .... I brought that up to my therapist and she said “oh wow, that is sad”. So I shared some things I remember from my childhood that maybe could be related to alcoholism and the results of my behaviors, again she said “that must be hard”. At this point I was like what the hell am I doing here?
im will definitely look for a new therapist. I heard that some therapist will wait until you are ready to work on your problem, until then they will just listen to your complains. But YES, I realized I do have issues and I am ready and want to work on them. Sometimes I write what I want to say before my sections so I dont waste time and end up talking about things I could be talking about here or with some close friends.
but yeah, I’m getting the feeling that we sit down and wait for the 40min to pass, and I leave super confused to what should I do next.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Hey there. What you describe is pretty typical of my personal experience. Therapists/counselors do their best to be nonjudgmental, non-reactive so that they lead by example. I have been to many therapists and the best ones were the quiet listeners. I don’t know your specifics, but I just wanted to say it took me over a year to get used to talking to someone who doesn’t interrupt or give unnecessary advice. A lot of the time, just talking to someone who doesn’t judge makes all the difference.
Or maybe I am wrong. Sometimes you need to go with your gut when selecting a therapist.
Best wishes and congratulations on starting therapy.
Or maybe I am wrong. Sometimes you need to go with your gut when selecting a therapist.
Best wishes and congratulations on starting therapy.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Not every therapist is a good fit for everyone. Some people will need to have their feelings validated. Four months seems like enough time to get to know her. If she isn't offering anything except forty minutes to talk about whatever you want, it may be time to move on for sure.
Did the two of you ever talk about expectations? Your goals for therapy?
Did the two of you ever talk about expectations? Your goals for therapy?
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Originally Posted by Pouncer
Hey there. What you describe is pretty typical of my personal experience. Therapists/counselors do their best to be nonjudgmental, non-reactive so that they lead by example. I have been to many therapists and the best ones were the quiet listeners. I don’t know your specifics, but I just wanted to say it took me over a year to get used to talking to someone who doesn’t interrupt or give unnecessary advice. A lot of the time, just talking to someone who doesn’t judge makes all the difference.
Or maybe I am wrong. Sometimes you need to go with your gut when selecting a therapist.
Best wishes and congratulations on starting therapy.
Or maybe I am wrong. Sometimes you need to go with your gut when selecting a therapist.
Best wishes and congratulations on starting therapy.
Or maybe that is something I need to work on too LOL
but how????
thank you for your insight tho
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Originally Posted by Nara
I am not expecting to be validated, or hear what will make me feel good. I more like trying to know and accept myself, strategies to cope with childhood wounds etc
I had to shop around for therapists until I found the right one who behaved detached enough (to help me detach), and one who was empathetic and proactive enough, but not too much.
It also helped when I found a therapist who specializes on my particular issue. Hope you find the answer you need.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I think that is a really good example of people needing different things from different counsellors/therapists.
As you said, you can get someone nodding their head and saying somewhat comforting words, anywhere.
If you went to the corner store to buy coffee and told the clerk you were really feeling down about <problem> here, they would probably say - oh yeah I know, that's so tough.
And no, that's not something you need to work on : )
As you said, you can get someone nodding their head and saying somewhat comforting words, anywhere.
If you went to the corner store to buy coffee and told the clerk you were really feeling down about <problem> here, they would probably say - oh yeah I know, that's so tough.
And no, that's not something you need to work on : )
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Nara...….what are your goals?......what was the main reason that you went to therapy at this time---what did you hope that the therapy would do for you...specifically?
Hi dandylion.
I have always been aware of my trust issues. I tried therapy before but thought I really didn’t need (sooo naive). The main reason this time is that this is my 4th relationship where a guy tells me I have a problem. However I only heard that during break ups. No one ever came to me and pointed out things they didn’t like about me. I asked many times my X if there was something about me that needed improvement, or I could do better. Some times even while we both would com up with plans for him to try and stop drinking, I told him I felt I was coming out as a control freak or jealous. He would tell me please don’t change I love you like that. But the day he broke up he said I controlled every aspect of his life and I was jealous, and of course “you don’t trust me”.
I want to work on my trust issues. I believe I don’t deserve or I’m worthy of being loved. And when things get hard even thou I will do everything to get through bad times, I don’t trust that my partner will stay.
I watched my father leave every time he argued with my mother. He also left when I have questions about his what about and women I saw him exchanging phone numbers with.When I was a teenager and wonder about serious things in life he never wanted to talk and said to me not worry because I wouldn’t go too far in life. When I failed he would make fun of me.
I did in fact made very far in life, and I’m angry he died before he could see my accomplishments.
XAF moved in to my place and lived with me for 3 years. He asked me for us to move to a bigger place since our wedding was approaching and so we could have more space to be able to have friends and family over. I told him I was scared he would end up breaking up with me because I really wanted for him to stop drinking and I wasn’t going to give up on that, and I would have to start all over if we didn’t stay together, and I love my little place I have lived in for 5 years. He said we had many problem but he never left my side and he wasn’t going anywhere, and that he understands my concerns but I also never gave him a chance to prove that I could trust him. Bang!!!! How genius. Exactly what I needed to hear. So I
thought he was right and he deserved a change.
Well sure enough guess what happens right after we moved? Yes HE broke up. He made fun of my trusting issues I have shared with him, told me that now I just had to look for a new place like everybody else does. I reminded him of his promises that we would get through everything and we were committed blah blah blah ... his response “I know everyone wants a love story”.
my X is an alcoholic but I know I have contribute to the craziness, and sometimes I think I have a bigger problem than he does. Sometimes I think I caused everything.
So I want to work on that. I want to change what makes me attract this kind of man. I wanna be able to forgive and trust. I live with fear of losing everyone and I know I do things to push people away from me, specially when I am in a relationship. Once in a while I would test my partner just to see if he will do what he said.
I hope the therapist could show me ways of changing my thinking patterns, so I can control my emotions and be able to deal/cope with my fears.
I am devastated. I feel so awful even an alcoholic wasn’t able to be around me. I’m still hurting over the relationship I can not even fight for, or i know what I would be getting back to.I am trying to be positive, I am working out, eating healthy, reconnecting with my friends, going out.... but I can’t enjoy myself. I miss him so much!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You know something I have noticed about people with a disorder (ok this is a broad generalization but it's my experience).
They will use what you say about yourself against you.
For instance, if you go to a normal (trustworthy) friend to discuss, say a problem you are having fitting in at your new workplace. A good friend would ask for examples and help you work through that.
A disordered person at some point will latch on to it and say something like - well you never get along very well with large groups of people do you, like at work?
So your exF may just be THAT person. You trusted him, you shared you fear with him and he threw it back at you.
Just like that.
But I hear you. You have issues that you want resolved, you want to be able to KNOW you are lovable and build your self-esteem and shut off the voice of your Father ridiculing you.
Just please keep in mind that people have their own agenda sometimes, for instance your Father may have been jealous of what he saw in you, that you would be successful (just an example).
That's why it's so important to work with someone who can help give you the tools to get your self-esteem back so you have a firm idea of who you are, then no one can touch that (mostly!).
They will use what you say about yourself against you.
For instance, if you go to a normal (trustworthy) friend to discuss, say a problem you are having fitting in at your new workplace. A good friend would ask for examples and help you work through that.
A disordered person at some point will latch on to it and say something like - well you never get along very well with large groups of people do you, like at work?
So your exF may just be THAT person. You trusted him, you shared you fear with him and he threw it back at you.
I told him I felt I was coming out as a control freak or jealous. He would tell me please don’t change I love you like that. But the day he broke up he said I controlled every aspect of his life and I was jealous, and of course “you don’t trust me”.
But I hear you. You have issues that you want resolved, you want to be able to KNOW you are lovable and build your self-esteem and shut off the voice of your Father ridiculing you.
Just please keep in mind that people have their own agenda sometimes, for instance your Father may have been jealous of what he saw in you, that you would be successful (just an example).
That's why it's so important to work with someone who can help give you the tools to get your self-esteem back so you have a firm idea of who you are, then no one can touch that (mostly!).
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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When I first started working with the shrink I've been seeing she summarized the kinds of topics she would and would not cover due to her own history, which she shared some of as we worked together. She was quite clear with me that she does not work with kids in troubled situations due to her past or with couples, instead she refers those clients to colleagues. Might be the op's shrink is finding the topics touch on difficult parts of her own history.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Discussing goals and expected length of therapy is important.
In listening to talk radio, I've listened to many callers who,
when asked by the radio host what they got out of two years
of therapy could not give an answer. Or a caller who had an
epiphany of sorts after 1 minute on the show that she did not
get in years of therapy. So yes, there are ineffective therapists
out there. My take is a therapist should be exploring your feelings
about these things - and helping you connect how that is
surfacing in your behavior and relationships. Validating is fine, but thats the beginning.
In listening to talk radio, I've listened to many callers who,
when asked by the radio host what they got out of two years
of therapy could not give an answer. Or a caller who had an
epiphany of sorts after 1 minute on the show that she did not
get in years of therapy. So yes, there are ineffective therapists
out there. My take is a therapist should be exploring your feelings
about these things - and helping you connect how that is
surfacing in your behavior and relationships. Validating is fine, but thats the beginning.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by Nara
she is counselor specialized in grief and loss, relationships and depression
Not every counselor will be a good fit for everyone. I’m a medical provider and because we worked with a lot of uninsured people (this was prior to Obamacare) I often sat in on sessions with our counselor (for billing purposes) and even though I loved her as a person she would not have been a good fit for me. Too touchy feely and kumbaya like if you know what I mean. When things went bad with my ex (when I gave him an ultimatum) I started seeing a counselor that my (now ex) friend had recommended. He is a guy (which is what I preferred) and I really like him a lot. I told him up front that all that touchy feely stuff is not my thing. He is an ex college football player (so a “tough” guy) and he does a lot of work at the jail so deals with a lot of addicts even though he does not have the CAC certification. My ex at some point accused him (with no basis as he has never met the guy) of just telling me what I wanted to hear and giving me hair pats so to speak but it couldn’t have been farther from the truth. He would make me really think about stuff and never give me answers, he would play the devils advocate a lot and again really make me think through stuff. He was really a god sent. I saw him weekly until I moved out/divorced which was 2 years. Now I still see him every 6 weeks or so as I still find it helpful to have someone to bitch to :-) .
Our marriage counselor was a different story, he ended up being a jerk and I felt like he picked sides a lot. So you just never know. Sometimes it takes a few tries before you feel like you click with someone. I think for therapist it is really important that you feel at ease much more so that doctors.
From what you’ve have said about your therapist here I would definitely look for another one. I think you will know when you have found the right one.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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I think therapists/counselors/psychiatrists are like men....you have to try a few to meet the "right one". I have not met the right one yet, and right now I don't have the money to "date around" - Ha!
One frustration I have is that I deeply want my therapist to understand my background (ACOA and wife of an alcoholic) so they can best direct me, but gosh, it's such a LONG story...I could spend 3 sessions ($450) just giving her the details!
I'm pro-therapy, but just think you have to be very proactive finding someone that gives you what you need.
One frustration I have is that I deeply want my therapist to understand my background (ACOA and wife of an alcoholic) so they can best direct me, but gosh, it's such a LONG story...I could spend 3 sessions ($450) just giving her the details!
I'm pro-therapy, but just think you have to be very proactive finding someone that gives you what you need.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
Someone told me recently something along the lines of: "there is no use in trying to make sense out of nonsense" meaning, there is no use for you to try to analyse the accusations made by your X. His life is a living chaos and confusion and constant ups and downs, highs and lows. So to change his mind about pretty much everything in a split second doesnt surprise me at all.
As its being repeated here- alcoholism is a serious illness (sadly). Alcohol captures the brain and alters it. Thus the changeability and being unreliable. So it would be totally unproductive to even go there and try to find any rationality in the irrational.
The only thing therefore in your situation would be to NOT question yourself in that sense. As @trailmix wisely stated, they will turn your own words/trust put in them/issues you have shared based etc. against you alright, but that is solely in order for them to justify their own "decision" to drink and continue on that hellish path, instead of remaining in a relationship with you and actually being accountable for their previous promises/proclamations/whatever.
I would simply say therefore- you were UNLUCKY to meet the man who turned out to be an addict. THat is pretty much all there is to it. As im sure No one aims to find someone like that ON PURPOSE, for sure. you were a victim and a collateral damage, like all of us here were.
However, you stating how you couldnt EVEN keep the alcoholic in your life could indeed point out to your deeper issues around self-esteem and sense of worthiness. And in which case, it is INDEED beneficial for you to continue with the therapy. I would suggest cognitive behaviour therapy though- i heard from a friend who attended it for awhile how they work on actually goals and changing limiting beliefs and thoughts. And that is more productive than only an active listening basically that you would get from an ordinary counsellor.
hope this helps a bit. we are strong, we can do this! Your friend!
<3
As its being repeated here- alcoholism is a serious illness (sadly). Alcohol captures the brain and alters it. Thus the changeability and being unreliable. So it would be totally unproductive to even go there and try to find any rationality in the irrational.
The only thing therefore in your situation would be to NOT question yourself in that sense. As @trailmix wisely stated, they will turn your own words/trust put in them/issues you have shared based etc. against you alright, but that is solely in order for them to justify their own "decision" to drink and continue on that hellish path, instead of remaining in a relationship with you and actually being accountable for their previous promises/proclamations/whatever.
I would simply say therefore- you were UNLUCKY to meet the man who turned out to be an addict. THat is pretty much all there is to it. As im sure No one aims to find someone like that ON PURPOSE, for sure. you were a victim and a collateral damage, like all of us here were.
However, you stating how you couldnt EVEN keep the alcoholic in your life could indeed point out to your deeper issues around self-esteem and sense of worthiness. And in which case, it is INDEED beneficial for you to continue with the therapy. I would suggest cognitive behaviour therapy though- i heard from a friend who attended it for awhile how they work on actually goals and changing limiting beliefs and thoughts. And that is more productive than only an active listening basically that you would get from an ordinary counsellor.
hope this helps a bit. we are strong, we can do this! Your friend!
<3
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
One more thing- it seems to me like you are wanting validation and constant reassurance from the relationships you are in that you are worthy. So friendly advice here- you will never get enough of such reassurance, even from the healthiest of people.
It is a highly risky investment to put your own value anywhere else, and into anyone elses hands. SO, You need to be able to feel worthy within first. Which is why being single for awhile and work on those belief might indeed be the great way forward.
Best! <3
It is a highly risky investment to put your own value anywhere else, and into anyone elses hands. SO, You need to be able to feel worthy within first. Which is why being single for awhile and work on those belief might indeed be the great way forward.
Best! <3
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