Articles on kids enabling alcoholic parent?
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Articles on kids enabling alcoholic parent?
After a conversation with my teenage son, I fear he and his brother have started to fill the enabler space that I vacated when I left the family home nearly two years ago.
I've been looking around the internet for articles to read on the topic but haven't found much.
Can anyone suggest any articles or authors?
I've been looking around the internet for articles to read on the topic but haven't found much.
Can anyone suggest any articles or authors?
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Amaranth.......If you go to the book section on amazon.com....and, type in the words "Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families".....you will find several books on the subject of children of alcoholics....
While these are written from the perspective of ADULT children...I think that you will find that the basic dynamics are the same.....
I suspect that this is as close as you will get to what you are looking for...
Of course, the organization of "Adult Children of Alcoholics (and dysfunctional families)" would probably offer much support to you.....
You can go onto the internet and find out if there are any online groups or meetings...if there aren't any in your geographic area.....
****Even if you didn't have alcoholism in your family...you still qualify if you feel that you have had a dysfunctional family.......
I think that it is probably common for the kids to engage in enabling the alcoholic parent, if they are living in the same house....as the family, inevitably has the alcoholism as the center focus of the family...more and ,ore, as time goes on......
Most of the time, I think that family members are unaware of t he existence of, or the extent of the enabling that goes on....
While these are written from the perspective of ADULT children...I think that you will find that the basic dynamics are the same.....
I suspect that this is as close as you will get to what you are looking for...
Of course, the organization of "Adult Children of Alcoholics (and dysfunctional families)" would probably offer much support to you.....
You can go onto the internet and find out if there are any online groups or meetings...if there aren't any in your geographic area.....
****Even if you didn't have alcoholism in your family...you still qualify if you feel that you have had a dysfunctional family.......
I think that it is probably common for the kids to engage in enabling the alcoholic parent, if they are living in the same house....as the family, inevitably has the alcoholism as the center focus of the family...more and ,ore, as time goes on......
Most of the time, I think that family members are unaware of t he existence of, or the extent of the enabling that goes on....
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Originally Posted by Amaranth 
After a conversation with my teenage son, I fear he and his brother have started to fill the enabler space that I vacated when I left the family home nearly two years ago.
You have been the "caretaker" all these years. The family life has focused on the alcoholic, tip toeing around, walking on eggshells, is Dad ok?
Then you jump ship.
That's where the:
- Total disregard for your well-being comes from
- The total focus on "their" farm/house with their Dad
- The resentment toward you
It's always been about him. Now the fact that you left is a good thing but nothing changed for them except you left! Who will look after the guy that everyone has been looking after all their lives?? You did the bulk of that caretaking I'm sure.
It's what they have seen and what they have learned.
It's also why I suggested getting them a copy of Codependent no more.
I do agree with dandylion that ACOA reading would help you. I did buy a book, Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step By Step Guide To Discovery And Recovery
Kritsberg, Wayne
I don't recommend it as it is so dry that it's pretty much unreadable lol. Codependency is codependency, whether that is the teens with their Father or you with the alcoholic.
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Son that has been away at college (home at weekends) for 2 months has had a total shift of perception. We are communicating really well at the moment and getting some distance seems to have given him a lot of clarity. He is opening up to me about things that are going on at home.
He expressed how happy he was that we had a difficult conversation the other night and he didn't shout at me. He is showing a lot of maturity.
I want to tread carefully with our communication. Our relationship is healing and I really want it to stay on that course. That's why I want to do my homework.
I have got a couple of Adult Children books. I find them a bit hard going. My kids would not read a book.
yes, and this underlies everything. This is the bottom line, when communication gets difficult, YOU LEFT is what gets yelled at me. My kids still have to forgive me for this, they may well never forgive me and I still have to forgive myself for leaving them. It doesn't matter how hard I try to explain, it still hurts them. It's hard to justify it to myself. I broke their trust. I abandoned them.
I was abandoned too as a child. I know it's something I have never gotten over. It's so hard to accept that i did it to my own kids.
He expressed how happy he was that we had a difficult conversation the other night and he didn't shout at me. He is showing a lot of maturity.
I want to tread carefully with our communication. Our relationship is healing and I really want it to stay on that course. That's why I want to do my homework.
I have got a couple of Adult Children books. I find them a bit hard going. My kids would not read a book.
Then you jump ship
I was abandoned too as a child. I know it's something I have never gotten over. It's so hard to accept that i did it to my own kids.
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You had a lot on your plate and had to look after your health. You had no choice at that point. Some day, like with your older Son, they may see it.
I can't remember, did you leave when you had to look after your health problems?
As for them getting information on ACOA and co-dependency, maybe just bring it up in conversation, no doubt they will end up googling it.
I can't remember, did you leave when you had to look after your health problems?
As for them getting information on ACOA and co-dependency, maybe just bring it up in conversation, no doubt they will end up googling it.
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Here are some titles from our SR Book List:
Alateen: A Day at a Time
Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Groups
Alateen: Hope for Children of Alcoholics
Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Groups
The Secret Everyone Knows: Help for You If Alcohol Is a Problem in Your Home by Brooks, C
For Teenagers Living with a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs by
Hornik-Beer, E.
Different Like Me: A Book for Teens Who Worry about Their Parent's Use of Alcohol/Drugs by Leite, E. and Espeland
Coping with an Alcoholic Parent
Porterfield, K.
Alateen: A Day at a Time
Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Groups
Alateen: Hope for Children of Alcoholics
Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Groups
The Secret Everyone Knows: Help for You If Alcohol Is a Problem in Your Home by Brooks, C
For Teenagers Living with a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs by
Hornik-Beer, E.
Different Like Me: A Book for Teens Who Worry about Their Parent's Use of Alcohol/Drugs by Leite, E. and Espeland
Coping with an Alcoholic Parent
Porterfield, K.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You had a lot on your plate and had to look after your health. You had no choice at that point. Some day, like with your older Son, they may see it.
I can't remember, did you leave when you had to look after your health problems?
As for them getting information on ACOA and co-dependency, maybe just bring it up in conversation, no doubt they will end up googling it.
I can't remember, did you leave when you had to look after your health problems?
As for them getting information on ACOA and co-dependency, maybe just bring it up in conversation, no doubt they will end up googling it.
I never ended up going back. He just drank more, refused to talk about anything then got a girlfriend. Three weeks after he admitted to the relationship I got taken to hospital very suddenly and operated on. I kind of just got swept away and ended up living with friends in another town. They took me in because I couldn't look after myself.
It just kind of unraveled. It was a chaotic disaster. I was in perfect health one day ( or so it seemed) and seriously ill the next. I didn't see it coming.
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Amaranth...….I went back and scanned your previous threads (to refresh my memory about the details of your experience)…..and I was "reminded" of a couple of things....
Your experience is such multilayered challenges...really tough challenges, for anyone! Many, if not most, which have been out of your control.....long-term abuse, which is n ot your fault; life threatening illness and two major surgeries which are not your fault.....
While you state that you "deserted" your children/family at a chaotic and crisis time----I think that this statement is far too strong and unfair, to you.
You did not just disappear...not by a long shot. You moved to a house that was a two minute walk from the family home...and returned, back and forth, to check on the children and the home....
It is not like you left 2 YOUNG children alone....your boys are older teen agers....Your husband is not a helpless child...but, an actively drinking alcoholic....
You have set up a home setting that the children can and do visit whenever they like or need to. You have kept contact and shown caring for them, even through your extended, cancer diagnosis and major surgeries. That, in my opinion, is NOT desertion! While it might not have been the ideal circumstances or what you wanted to happen....you do your very best to give them your best attention and concern and care. They have been free to join you, at any time they may have wanted to....or, needed to.
It is so good that you were able to extract yourself from the environment of your husband's abuse and untenable drunkeness….in order to save your own life ….with your serious (at that ti me) illness...who know what may have happened...? thankfully, with the help of your generous friends, you have been able to regain most of your health.....and, your kids got to KEEP their mother!
That in my opinion, is not a small thing.....Your 2 boys still have a strong and caring mother, in this world that will not desert them....
I know that they are still teens, and their brains will not even be matured until the early 20's....and, they are still in a steep learning curve, about life....
I think it is amazing, how you have endured, through all of this.....
And, I se that you continue to work on your own self …...and concerned for the welfare of yourself and your kids....in spite of your husband and his resistant family and his prejudiced friends.....
Please, don't be so hard on yourself....and, try not to "future trip", too much into the future, I a negative way. Being overly judgmental on yourself will just drag you down...unnecessarily. Don't do it.
You are a survivor type...and, in the long run, that will be of great example and benefit to your kids...…
Your experience is such multilayered challenges...really tough challenges, for anyone! Many, if not most, which have been out of your control.....long-term abuse, which is n ot your fault; life threatening illness and two major surgeries which are not your fault.....
While you state that you "deserted" your children/family at a chaotic and crisis time----I think that this statement is far too strong and unfair, to you.
You did not just disappear...not by a long shot. You moved to a house that was a two minute walk from the family home...and returned, back and forth, to check on the children and the home....
It is not like you left 2 YOUNG children alone....your boys are older teen agers....Your husband is not a helpless child...but, an actively drinking alcoholic....
You have set up a home setting that the children can and do visit whenever they like or need to. You have kept contact and shown caring for them, even through your extended, cancer diagnosis and major surgeries. That, in my opinion, is NOT desertion! While it might not have been the ideal circumstances or what you wanted to happen....you do your very best to give them your best attention and concern and care. They have been free to join you, at any time they may have wanted to....or, needed to.
It is so good that you were able to extract yourself from the environment of your husband's abuse and untenable drunkeness….in order to save your own life ….with your serious (at that ti me) illness...who know what may have happened...? thankfully, with the help of your generous friends, you have been able to regain most of your health.....and, your kids got to KEEP their mother!
That in my opinion, is not a small thing.....Your 2 boys still have a strong and caring mother, in this world that will not desert them....
I know that they are still teens, and their brains will not even be matured until the early 20's....and, they are still in a steep learning curve, about life....
I think it is amazing, how you have endured, through all of this.....
And, I se that you continue to work on your own self …...and concerned for the welfare of yourself and your kids....in spite of your husband and his resistant family and his prejudiced friends.....
Please, don't be so hard on yourself....and, try not to "future trip", too much into the future, I a negative way. Being overly judgmental on yourself will just drag you down...unnecessarily. Don't do it.
You are a survivor type...and, in the long run, that will be of great example and benefit to your kids...…
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Amaranth,
I will only say that children act out with the person with whom they feel safe.
They are likely resentful of their father and their roles in his life, but they can’t take it up with him, as he really doesn’t give a s**t, so you get to hear it.
Stay strong, do your best to be there for them, but don’t cave. They know why you did what you did., even as it gets misdirected.
I will only say that children act out with the person with whom they feel safe.
They are likely resentful of their father and their roles in his life, but they can’t take it up with him, as he really doesn’t give a s**t, so you get to hear it.
Stay strong, do your best to be there for them, but don’t cave. They know why you did what you did., even as it gets misdirected.
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On the enabling behaviour ..... This related to a specific situation to do with my husband trying to use my son's newly opened, first in his life, bank account because he cannot manage his own affairs ..... I have just experienced a bit if divine intervention. The card has a problem, the bank can't understand it, the account is frozen. I am so grateful for this. My son's account cannot be used by his father and I didn't have to get involved.
Throughout my "multilayered challenges" (I really like this phrase dandylion) of the last two years I have had many experiences of divine intervention. That along with the generosity of my friends, my coda group and the wonderful support on this forum reminds me that no matter how hard things feel at any one time there is higher power working for my best interests.
No matter how confusing things feel at times part of me knows all will become clearer. By working my programme and keeping the faith I can choose to not only survive but to one day thrive again.
Throughout my "multilayered challenges" (I really like this phrase dandylion) of the last two years I have had many experiences of divine intervention. That along with the generosity of my friends, my coda group and the wonderful support on this forum reminds me that no matter how hard things feel at any one time there is higher power working for my best interests.
No matter how confusing things feel at times part of me knows all will become clearer. By working my programme and keeping the faith I can choose to not only survive but to one day thrive again.
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Amaranth, You sound strong and focused this morning. Yay for days when everything feels like it will work out the way it is supposed to!
I agree with Trailmix about having your son read "Codependent No More" or listening to the audio version if he would be more inclined to do so. I had my daughter read it when she was 20 and it definitely helped her realize some major issues in her family and in her own behavior. She has read it twice since... the first time she read it because of a problem she was having with a boyfriend who had a drinking problem, the second time she read it because of her dad, and then she reread it again lately for herself because she was realizing some of her own behaviors were codependent in nature and she needed a refresher. Each time she has read it she has had epiphanies. I can say the same for myself as well.
For what it is worth, I think you have shown tremendous strength through these last few years. You did what you had to do to heal your body and regain your sanity. Whether your boys understand that or not doesn't really matter at this point, because you saving yourself was also very important for them as well, even if they don't see it that way yet. I know how you feel regarding "guilt" over being the one who left. I did the same and I took flack for it from my son. I still feel responsible for the pain and anger that caused him, even though it is what I had to do to save myself, I was a drowning woman. It's been six years and I still think he isn't all the way "over" it yet. He has been very elusive lately so I don't really know what's going on with him, but he is 21 and I just have to trust that he is flexing his independence muscles and will fly back around once he has a little more maturity under his belt. He does seem to circle back a few times a year. He knows I'm here of he needs me.
I know how your mama heart is feeling about your young men. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in that. I think you are setting a very good example for them despite the obstacles you've all had to face. Parenting young adults is so hard, so much harder than I had ever imagined it would be. Hang in there!
I agree with Trailmix about having your son read "Codependent No More" or listening to the audio version if he would be more inclined to do so. I had my daughter read it when she was 20 and it definitely helped her realize some major issues in her family and in her own behavior. She has read it twice since... the first time she read it because of a problem she was having with a boyfriend who had a drinking problem, the second time she read it because of her dad, and then she reread it again lately for herself because she was realizing some of her own behaviors were codependent in nature and she needed a refresher. Each time she has read it she has had epiphanies. I can say the same for myself as well.
For what it is worth, I think you have shown tremendous strength through these last few years. You did what you had to do to heal your body and regain your sanity. Whether your boys understand that or not doesn't really matter at this point, because you saving yourself was also very important for them as well, even if they don't see it that way yet. I know how you feel regarding "guilt" over being the one who left. I did the same and I took flack for it from my son. I still feel responsible for the pain and anger that caused him, even though it is what I had to do to save myself, I was a drowning woman. It's been six years and I still think he isn't all the way "over" it yet. He has been very elusive lately so I don't really know what's going on with him, but he is 21 and I just have to trust that he is flexing his independence muscles and will fly back around once he has a little more maturity under his belt. He does seem to circle back a few times a year. He knows I'm here of he needs me.
I know how your mama heart is feeling about your young men. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in that. I think you are setting a very good example for them despite the obstacles you've all had to face. Parenting young adults is so hard, so much harder than I had ever imagined it would be. Hang in there!
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Yes, I too have encountered the same thing. The fact that you are talking about it with your older Son and he is realizing the lay of the land is absolutely huge! He is perhaps starting to realize you are a separate person, not part of an inseparable and dysfunctional unit.
There certainly is hope there. When it isn't talked out huge resentments can build that you aren't even really aware of.
So just keep talking, you are doing so well with all of this
There certainly is hope there. When it isn't talked out huge resentments can build that you aren't even really aware of.
So just keep talking, you are doing so well with all of this
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Amaranth, You sound strong and focused this morning. Yay for days when everything feels like it will work out the way it is supposed to!
I agree with Trailmix about having your son read "Codependent No More" or listening to the audio version if he would be more inclined to do so. I had my daughter read it when she was 20 and it definitely helped her realize some major issues in her family and in her own behavior. She has read it twice since... the first time she read it because of a problem she was having with a boyfriend who had a drinking problem, the second time she read it because of her dad, and then she reread it again lately for herself because she was realizing some of her own behaviors were codependent in nature and she needed a refresher. Each time she has read it she has had epiphanies. I can say the same for myself as well.
For what it is worth, I think you have shown tremendous strength through these last few years. You did what you had to do to heal your body and regain your sanity. Whether your boys understand that or not doesn't really matter at this point, because you saving yourself was also very important for them as well, even if they don't see it that way yet. I know how you feel regarding "guilt" over being the one who left. I did the same and I took flack for it from my son. I still feel responsible for the pain and anger that caused him, even though it is what I had to do to save myself, I was a drowning woman. It's been six years and I still think he isn't all the way "over" it yet. He has been very elusive lately so I don't really know what's going on with him, but he is 21 and I just have to trust that he is flexing his independence muscles and will fly back around once he has a little more maturity under his belt. He does seem to circle back a few times a year. He knows I'm here of he needs me.
I know how your mama heart is feeling about your young men. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in that. I think you are setting a very good example for them despite the obstacles you've all had to face. Parenting young adults is so hard, so much harder than I had ever imagined it would be. Hang in there!
I agree with Trailmix about having your son read "Codependent No More" or listening to the audio version if he would be more inclined to do so. I had my daughter read it when she was 20 and it definitely helped her realize some major issues in her family and in her own behavior. She has read it twice since... the first time she read it because of a problem she was having with a boyfriend who had a drinking problem, the second time she read it because of her dad, and then she reread it again lately for herself because she was realizing some of her own behaviors were codependent in nature and she needed a refresher. Each time she has read it she has had epiphanies. I can say the same for myself as well.
For what it is worth, I think you have shown tremendous strength through these last few years. You did what you had to do to heal your body and regain your sanity. Whether your boys understand that or not doesn't really matter at this point, because you saving yourself was also very important for them as well, even if they don't see it that way yet. I know how you feel regarding "guilt" over being the one who left. I did the same and I took flack for it from my son. I still feel responsible for the pain and anger that caused him, even though it is what I had to do to save myself, I was a drowning woman. It's been six years and I still think he isn't all the way "over" it yet. He has been very elusive lately so I don't really know what's going on with him, but he is 21 and I just have to trust that he is flexing his independence muscles and will fly back around once he has a little more maturity under his belt. He does seem to circle back a few times a year. He knows I'm here of he needs me.
I know how your mama heart is feeling about your young men. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in that. I think you are setting a very good example for them despite the obstacles you've all had to face. Parenting young adults is so hard, so much harder than I had ever imagined it would be. Hang in there!
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