Breaking the Cycle
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Breaking the Cycle
I have a quick question which I really started thinking a lot about after reading the post by CT4 about how you act around your A. I am really in that vicious cycle of my AH drinks at night, I avoid him, avoid interacting, go to bed angry, wake up angry and resentful, and then am cold and punishing most of the day. Things will sometimes thaw by the afternoon but then I am on hyper alert for the signs of drinking again. My 14 yo son told me last night when I said goodnight to him that he had gone downstairs and saw his Dad hide a beer under his shirt, I didn't even know how to respond to that?! So again, I wake up this morning pissed off and seething. I know I need help, just feeling paralyzed.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Yes, you have two options in how to handle this really?
- You can continue to shoot him dirty looks and he can continue to hide beer under his shirt.
- You can accept that is who he is, an alcoholic that wants to drink.
He is not drinking at you, he's just drinking, that's what alcoholics do. You don't like him drinking and that's ok, that is totally up to you, of course.
However, not accepting him just the way he is, is only hurting you really.
I assume you have had a 100 talks/arguments with him about his drinking and had no success. So that is going nowhere.
Only you can decide what you want your life to look like. You can stay and nothing much will probably change except he might drink more as time goes on.
You see it's all in your control, how you want your life to be.
- You can continue to shoot him dirty looks and he can continue to hide beer under his shirt.
- You can accept that is who he is, an alcoholic that wants to drink.
He is not drinking at you, he's just drinking, that's what alcoholics do. You don't like him drinking and that's ok, that is totally up to you, of course.
However, not accepting him just the way he is, is only hurting you really.
I assume you have had a 100 talks/arguments with him about his drinking and had no success. So that is going nowhere.
Only you can decide what you want your life to look like. You can stay and nothing much will probably change except he might drink more as time goes on.
You see it's all in your control, how you want your life to be.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Break the family alcoholic cycle:
Al-Anon
Alateen
It's a program of recovery for the family and friends who are having a problem with someone's drinking, with no need to identify if that person is alcoholic.
"Al-Anon Family Groups is a "worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem."
Today I spent time with someone who has great Al-Anon recovery skills and learned/experienced more simply from being around her and interacting with her in small, everyday type of ways. I was then able to bring this gentleness to myself. Passing it forward is easy, yet breaking family dysfunctional bonds is a marathon of small moments, stepping back, doing things differently and having a strong, ever-growing support network.
Al-Anon
Alateen
It's a program of recovery for the family and friends who are having a problem with someone's drinking, with no need to identify if that person is alcoholic.
"Al-Anon Family Groups is a "worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem."
Today I spent time with someone who has great Al-Anon recovery skills and learned/experienced more simply from being around her and interacting with her in small, everyday type of ways. I was then able to bring this gentleness to myself. Passing it forward is easy, yet breaking family dysfunctional bonds is a marathon of small moments, stepping back, doing things differently and having a strong, ever-growing support network.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My 14 yo son told me last night when I said goodnight to him that he had gone downstairs and saw his Dad hide a beer under his shirt,
i think this little vignette deserves close examination. it's a snapshot of what all you living together with rampant untreated alcoholism looks like. (i mean, if anybody is trying to hide a beer under their shirt shouldn't it be the TEENAGER???).
Your AH drinks, often, and everyone knows it. you can be mad - and nobody here hasn't been THERE - but over time what does that being mad DO for you? for the situation? or you can begin to accept that it is what it is - this is him, this is what he does. and then YOU can begin to make some decisions about what YOU can do differently, knowing what you know.
you can learn to live with it or find a way to live without it.
i think this little vignette deserves close examination. it's a snapshot of what all you living together with rampant untreated alcoholism looks like. (i mean, if anybody is trying to hide a beer under their shirt shouldn't it be the TEENAGER???).
Your AH drinks, often, and everyone knows it. you can be mad - and nobody here hasn't been THERE - but over time what does that being mad DO for you? for the situation? or you can begin to accept that it is what it is - this is him, this is what he does. and then YOU can begin to make some decisions about what YOU can do differently, knowing what you know.
you can learn to live with it or find a way to live without it.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Are you my doppelgänger? Just kidding lol
But seriously though, this was my of life for so long. The up, down, spin around and don’t know if you’re coming or going some days. I got mad about being mad all the time. My happy days got less and less until I was consumed with sadness, anger, worry and just tired...so tired of it all.
My son is also 14 and would tell me things his dad was doing behind my back, drinking, texting, off handed comments etc. I’ll be completely honest, this is why we finally separated. I thought I was doing a great job hiding his dads alcoholism from him (notice I said thought) My son eventually broke down crying, he too was exhausted from this crazy life that had taken over our household. It BROKE my heart, literally stomach dropping, gut wrenching feeling that I, his protector had failed. We have been separated since for a few months now and AH is doing NOTHING...nada....zilch to seek any help or even slow down. That’s how much I or his only son have a say in HIS decisions. For me personally, I started detaching many years ago and now stepping away is the only choice I have.
This is is my personal experience and how I chose to handle it. What you do is totally up to YOU. Only you can decide when YOU have had enough and when that time comes you will know.
A saying I hear often here and rings true to me...
Get out of the way or be dragged.
HUGS to you ❤️
But seriously though, this was my of life for so long. The up, down, spin around and don’t know if you’re coming or going some days. I got mad about being mad all the time. My happy days got less and less until I was consumed with sadness, anger, worry and just tired...so tired of it all.
My son is also 14 and would tell me things his dad was doing behind my back, drinking, texting, off handed comments etc. I’ll be completely honest, this is why we finally separated. I thought I was doing a great job hiding his dads alcoholism from him (notice I said thought) My son eventually broke down crying, he too was exhausted from this crazy life that had taken over our household. It BROKE my heart, literally stomach dropping, gut wrenching feeling that I, his protector had failed. We have been separated since for a few months now and AH is doing NOTHING...nada....zilch to seek any help or even slow down. That’s how much I or his only son have a say in HIS decisions. For me personally, I started detaching many years ago and now stepping away is the only choice I have.
This is is my personal experience and how I chose to handle it. What you do is totally up to YOU. Only you can decide when YOU have had enough and when that time comes you will know.
A saying I hear often here and rings true to me...
Get out of the way or be dragged.
HUGS to you ❤️
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
And....this is why I finally divorced. I was changing as a person. The damage I have done to myself and my children by becoming that mess of a angry person took many, many years of undoing. It's still a work in progress.
It did help once I fully accepted this is who he is, it will never change, and I am not going to spend my time tracking all of it and ruining my own life. However, it was too little, too late. I was already VERY angry and bitter.
It did help once I fully accepted this is who he is, it will never change, and I am not going to spend my time tracking all of it and ruining my own life. However, it was too little, too late. I was already VERY angry and bitter.
Originally Posted by Nd819 
I have a quick question which I really started thinking a lot about after reading the post by CT4 about how you act around your A. I am really in that vicious cycle of my AH drinks at night, I avoid him, avoid interacting, go to bed angry, wake up angry and resentful, and then am cold and punishing most of the day. Things will sometimes thaw by the afternoon but then I am on hyper alert for the signs of drinking again. My 14 yo son told me last night when I said goodnight to him that he had gone downstairs and saw his Dad hide a beer under his shirt, I didn't even know how to respond to that?! So again, I wake up this morning pissed off and seething. I know I need help, just feeling paralyzed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
I am agreeing with everything that has been said here. It can take some time to accept that this really is how this person wants to live. It takes more time to figure out if you want to live with it or not and then more time to learn to detach around the drinking or get yourself out of the situation.
IMHO detaching only works to a certain extent. Eventually you need to physically get away from this person. Some people stay but have their own room in the house or things like this. I left as I was pretty sure my ABF was going to die and I didn't want to be around to watch but that is just me.
IMHO detaching only works to a certain extent. Eventually you need to physically get away from this person. Some people stay but have their own room in the house or things like this. I left as I was pretty sure my ABF was going to die and I didn't want to be around to watch but that is just me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I will also admit that what Bekind says factored in for me as well. I had just watched my XAH's step father and mother go through sad and hard deaths. There was a realization for me that this could actually kill him one day and I don't want to be his caretaker because he will not choose recovery did weigh in.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Nd819 -
Glad you found this place! You are not alone and I am sorry your family is riding the A roller coaster right now. Yuk.
I'm wondering if you speak directly with DearSon about alcoholism? It sucks to grow up in an A house that is in denial. I lived it. It damaged all us kids ( and all 3 of my bros grew up to be As
).
And oh sure my mother thought she was the only one going through anything. She was - still is actually (and my father is dead) a raging codependent. She was an angry mother, and always putting on a false front for....everyone. And then stomping around angry. I walked on eggshells more because of her than my A Father! How the heck did I know what she was so angry about when I was a kid?
She let us just stumble in confusion and fear because she didn't have the guts to say when we were young: "Dad's an alcoholic, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you can't love him, but he is very sick and it's a type of sickness where we all need to protect ourselves from the fallout."
Or even if once we were teenagers and we knew what to call it she had freakin' apologized and said she was sorry she didn't talk to us about it!! I mean anything - any acknowledgement of our reality would have spared a lot of heartache and resentment. And could honesty have prevented my bros from becoming As? I'll never know.
I finally got into AlAnon in my 20's and it was a lifesaver. Maybe try AlAnon for you and suggest AlaTeen to your son. And keep the communication channels open with him! I would have just been so relieved to have been able to ask questions and talk honestly with my Mom at that age.
AlaTeen
The past is gone.
You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B
Glad you found this place! You are not alone and I am sorry your family is riding the A roller coaster right now. Yuk.
I'm wondering if you speak directly with DearSon about alcoholism? It sucks to grow up in an A house that is in denial. I lived it. It damaged all us kids ( and all 3 of my bros grew up to be As
). And oh sure my mother thought she was the only one going through anything. She was - still is actually (and my father is dead) a raging codependent. She was an angry mother, and always putting on a false front for....everyone. And then stomping around angry. I walked on eggshells more because of her than my A Father! How the heck did I know what she was so angry about when I was a kid?
She let us just stumble in confusion and fear because she didn't have the guts to say when we were young: "Dad's an alcoholic, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you can't love him, but he is very sick and it's a type of sickness where we all need to protect ourselves from the fallout."
Or even if once we were teenagers and we knew what to call it she had freakin' apologized and said she was sorry she didn't talk to us about it!! I mean anything - any acknowledgement of our reality would have spared a lot of heartache and resentment. And could honesty have prevented my bros from becoming As? I'll never know
.I finally got into AlAnon in my 20's and it was a lifesaver. Maybe try AlAnon for you and suggest AlaTeen to your son. And keep the communication channels open with him! I would have just been so relieved to have been able to ask questions and talk honestly with my Mom at that age.
AlaTeen
The past is gone.
You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B
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