7 years might be ending with a whimper
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7 years might be ending with a whimper
Hello and sorry in advance for the long post. This is my first post here, but I've been reading threads for a few months as well as going to occasional Al-anon meetings. Probably not as many as I should have. But I'm really struggling right now and just want to hear that I'm not alone.
My RABF (or maybe just ABF...) and I have been together for 7 years. The first 6 were fantastic. Then, in the past year, his drinking accelerated until he went to rehab in June. He had one big relapse after that, but moved into a sober living house in September and seemed to be doing really well. It felt like recovery was sticking.
I'd moved out when he went to rehab, but wanted to try to make the relationship work. RABF was remorseful for hurting me and I could tell he was working really hard on the steps, therapy, etc. He'd never ever been mean or violent. It was the lying I couldn't deal with, so I told him to just let me know if he was struggling. I could deal with slip-ups, just not lying. And he agreed. We tried to take things slow, and there's been many tears on both sides, but I had so much hope we could fix things.
Then came Tuesday night. We'd planned to hang out at the apartment we used to share and RABF is still renting, where he often goes during the day to get some privacy and work on job applications before returning to Sober House at night. He told me he was planning to move back in completely this week, out of Sober House. I was surprised--the last time we'd discussed it, he said he'd probably stay there another couple of months. But now he said he didn't want to pay thousands of dollars a month for a bed at the house on top of the rent he was still paying on the apartment. He said he was ready and everyone there was on board with him moving out.
We had a nice evening; he asked me to leave on the early side so he could go to a meeting. But when I was walking home, I saw I had a missed call from someone at the sober living house. I called back and it was one of the coordinators. Saying that RABF didn't have approval to leave, they were NOT on board with it, and they were concerned about him. Asked if I had seen him.
I went numb. Explained that I'd just left RABF's place. It felt like something in me broke. After five months of slow-growing hope, a random phone call from a stranger is how I find out he's lying to me again??? We had tentatively planned for him to come over to my place the next night, but after hanging up with the coordinator I left RABF a voicemail telling him I knew the truth and not to come over the next day. (I kind of regret that call--wish I'd taken time to process--but I can't do anything about it now.)
Part of me hoped he'd show up last night despite my voicemail, but he didn't and I haven't heard from him. I want to believe he went back to Sober House, or even that he's safe in his apartment and is just choosing not to talk to me. I know he didn't always see eye to eye with the house coordinators, and the cynical side of me says they do have a profit motive in keeping him there. So it's possible that his leaving is in good faith and he's sober. But I've read enough stories here that I know the odds aren't good.
I just... I don't understand. He had almost three months sober. Less than a week ago he was talking about how great sober life was and how excited he was for the future.
And I don't know where he is or what to do now. This is how his last relapse started--he thought he could stay dry on his own, and ended up in the hospital. It's eating me up that I don't know if he's safe. I thought about calling the sober house coordinator to see if he's there, or asking his parents if they've heard anything. Most of all, I want to text him to see if he's okay, but I've been holding back because I don't know what my next step would be. What if he doesn't answer? Do I go out on the streets looking for him?
And I don't know if this should the final straw of our relationship or not. On the one hand, it's a relatively minor lie. But it's so depressing to look at the person you love and know that they're lying to your face, no matter the magnitude. And I don't want to watch him spiral down again.
I know I need to get to a meeting (I stupidly stopped going when it seemed like things with RABF were going well). In the meantime, I would be so grateful for any experience, strength or hope you guys have to share. Or suggestions. I'm struggling with whether I should reach out to get his side of the story and figure out next steps from there, or just sit tight. I don't want to act in haste again, but this limbo hurts so much.
My RABF (or maybe just ABF...) and I have been together for 7 years. The first 6 were fantastic. Then, in the past year, his drinking accelerated until he went to rehab in June. He had one big relapse after that, but moved into a sober living house in September and seemed to be doing really well. It felt like recovery was sticking.
I'd moved out when he went to rehab, but wanted to try to make the relationship work. RABF was remorseful for hurting me and I could tell he was working really hard on the steps, therapy, etc. He'd never ever been mean or violent. It was the lying I couldn't deal with, so I told him to just let me know if he was struggling. I could deal with slip-ups, just not lying. And he agreed. We tried to take things slow, and there's been many tears on both sides, but I had so much hope we could fix things.
Then came Tuesday night. We'd planned to hang out at the apartment we used to share and RABF is still renting, where he often goes during the day to get some privacy and work on job applications before returning to Sober House at night. He told me he was planning to move back in completely this week, out of Sober House. I was surprised--the last time we'd discussed it, he said he'd probably stay there another couple of months. But now he said he didn't want to pay thousands of dollars a month for a bed at the house on top of the rent he was still paying on the apartment. He said he was ready and everyone there was on board with him moving out.
We had a nice evening; he asked me to leave on the early side so he could go to a meeting. But when I was walking home, I saw I had a missed call from someone at the sober living house. I called back and it was one of the coordinators. Saying that RABF didn't have approval to leave, they were NOT on board with it, and they were concerned about him. Asked if I had seen him.
I went numb. Explained that I'd just left RABF's place. It felt like something in me broke. After five months of slow-growing hope, a random phone call from a stranger is how I find out he's lying to me again??? We had tentatively planned for him to come over to my place the next night, but after hanging up with the coordinator I left RABF a voicemail telling him I knew the truth and not to come over the next day. (I kind of regret that call--wish I'd taken time to process--but I can't do anything about it now.)
Part of me hoped he'd show up last night despite my voicemail, but he didn't and I haven't heard from him. I want to believe he went back to Sober House, or even that he's safe in his apartment and is just choosing not to talk to me. I know he didn't always see eye to eye with the house coordinators, and the cynical side of me says they do have a profit motive in keeping him there. So it's possible that his leaving is in good faith and he's sober. But I've read enough stories here that I know the odds aren't good.
I just... I don't understand. He had almost three months sober. Less than a week ago he was talking about how great sober life was and how excited he was for the future.
And I don't know where he is or what to do now. This is how his last relapse started--he thought he could stay dry on his own, and ended up in the hospital. It's eating me up that I don't know if he's safe. I thought about calling the sober house coordinator to see if he's there, or asking his parents if they've heard anything. Most of all, I want to text him to see if he's okay, but I've been holding back because I don't know what my next step would be. What if he doesn't answer? Do I go out on the streets looking for him?
And I don't know if this should the final straw of our relationship or not. On the one hand, it's a relatively minor lie. But it's so depressing to look at the person you love and know that they're lying to your face, no matter the magnitude. And I don't want to watch him spiral down again.
I know I need to get to a meeting (I stupidly stopped going when it seemed like things with RABF were going well). In the meantime, I would be so grateful for any experience, strength or hope you guys have to share. Or suggestions. I'm struggling with whether I should reach out to get his side of the story and figure out next steps from there, or just sit tight. I don't want to act in haste again, but this limbo hurts so much.
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Originally Posted by snitchcharm 
I'm struggling with whether I should reach out to get his side of the story and figure out next steps from there, or just sit tight. I don't want to act in haste again, but this limbo hurts so much.
So, do you reach out and get his side of the story or sit tight and just wait to see what will be revealed.
One thing you didn't mention is what are your boundaries here? Have you had a discussion where you said, if you continue to drink I can't be in this relationship with you anymore?
Now of course, you can change, shift, stomp on your boundaries anytime you choose, but you make those for a reason, not when you re necessarily feeling vulnerable or angry or sad but to use as your foundation when you are feeling those things.
Personally? He lied to you. To your face. That's not a little lie. He lied about the sober house, possibly lied about the meeting (perhaps he was on his way to the bar), how can you know the truth from a lie now and even if he contacted you right now and said I'm sorry, I just needed time alone away from everyone to reflect on what I need to do going forward and I was scared you would think of it as just another relapse/failure about to happen.
Is that good enough for you?
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Thank you so much for writing back trailmix. I've found lots of solace here already just reading others' posts and knowing that others are going through similar things.
We have talked about boundaries. I said we can only be in a relationship if he's sober, but that I know it's progress not perfection, so it wouldn't necessarily be over instantly if he drank as long as he got back on the wagon.
I also said I wouldn't stick around if he kept lying. So there's that. However, I don't think I understood when I set those boundaries how deeply lying and alcoholism are intertwined. And how they often stem not from malice but from shame. Not really sure if that understanding should change the boundary or not.
It's funny--I can see him saying precisely that. You channeled him perfectly. He hates not having privacy and wants to be independent so badly. And hates even more when he feels like others (me, his parents, the coordinators) are waiting for him to fail.
To answer your question, if he said all of that and apologized for lying, I think I'd want to give him a little more time to see how things go. Just a couple of weeks to figure out if he's relapsing or if he really can live sober on his own. It's hard because he was never a bar person really, more for drinking at home in secret. So I suspect living alone is a trigger for him...
Originally Posted by trailmix
One thing you didn't mention is what are your boundaries here? Have you had a discussion where you said, if you continue to drink I can't be in this relationship with you anymore?
I also said I wouldn't stick around if he kept lying. So there's that. However, I don't think I understood when I set those boundaries how deeply lying and alcoholism are intertwined. And how they often stem not from malice but from shame. Not really sure if that understanding should change the boundary or not.
Originally Posted by trailmix
even if he contacted you right now and said I'm sorry, I just needed time alone away from everyone to reflect on what I need to do going forward and I was scared you would think of it as just another relapse/failure about to happen.
Is that good enough for you?
Is that good enough for you?
To answer your question, if he said all of that and apologized for lying, I think I'd want to give him a little more time to see how things go. Just a couple of weeks to figure out if he's relapsing or if he really can live sober on his own. It's hard because he was never a bar person really, more for drinking at home in secret. So I suspect living alone is a trigger for him...
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Originally Posted by snitchcharm
To answer your question, if he said all of that and apologized for lying, I think I'd want to give him a little more time to see how things go. Just a couple of weeks to figure out if he's relapsing or if he really can live sober on his own. It's hard because he was never a bar person really, more for drinking at home in secret. So I suspect living alone is a trigger for him...
Alcoholism is not an excuse for lying. It's not an excuse for any kind of deception.
From reading around I'm sure you are familiar with wanting to be sober or putting down the bottle/can but not being in any kind of true recovery.
From the little bit you shared, he just kind of sounds like someone who wants what he wants when he wants it, there is a self-absorbed component here.
Theoretically, alcoholism could be used as an excuse for anything. Lying, drinking, missing work, driving erratically, missing your child's xmas play, putting your bicycle in the ditch, having a physical fight, throwing up on the street, running over someone.
Living alone and being lonely, so "triggered" to drink.
The insanity that alcoholism produces could very well be applied to all of the above, just like the lie he told.
That doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean you need to go along with it?
Enabling him to have free reign over your boundaries isn't helping you (and as an aside doesn't help him at all either). All you are saying is these are my boundaries but no matter what you do we will use your alcoholism to explain it away and carry on as usual.
How many times has he lied to you (that you know of) and how many times have you excused it.
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-snich…..I can relate to how heartbroken you feel, right now. So much hope has been invested. When they relapse, it is like your heart has been slammed to the bottom of the ocean.
Those of us who have been around the recovery community for a long time know just how much struggle the early recovery period is. Depending on the person, it is considered anywhere from one to 2-3--and, some say 4-5 years. EARLY recovery, that is. Of course, the recovery, itself, lasts for a lifetime...living by the principles that are learned in AA. Your BF is in the infancy of recovery....while 5 months might feel like a lifetime, to you...it is still the first wobbly steps.
From what you share...your boyfriend shares some of the impatience and unwilliness to live life on life's terms....the fact that he resents that others m ight not yet, trust him,,,,and, that he thinks he knows better than those who are veterans to his program.....these are cardinal symptoms of an alcoholic who has n ot completely committed themselves to the recovery process. This is very, very common. "I can handle it myself".....or, "I think I can drink, moderately, now".....
He didn't fool the folks at the sober house...but, he lied to himself and to you. He is still struggling with the alcoholic voice, in his head, that whispers to him 24/7....no matter how good he looks on the outside.
This is not dissimilar to the way you dropped out of alanon as soon as you thought your BF was going to be o.k. An underestimation of how deeply the alcoholism affects the alcoholic and the loved ones, as well. As well as ignorance about the nature of alcoholsm and the course of the disease.
For yourself, you are going to need all of the support that you can get...as well as learning more about this disease.. I think you did the best thing, in telling him the truth, and telling him not to come over, the next night. It sounds litke it probably is a relapse....and, this might be his first strong lesson, since rehab, that he cannot have even one drink and that he needs to cling to his program like glue...as the first priority in his life. This is a really hard concept for the newly recovering alcoholic.
Not to insult you, of course...but he doesn't need you, right now. What he needs is reconnection to his recovery community...the meetings and his sponsor, and a counselor. You are too entwined with him to give him what he needs. Anything that you try to do to help will probably be resented by him...because you are part of the "enemy", to him. It means more and different, when coming from other alcoholics and professionals. Plus, the power of the group, in AA is one of the most powerful aspects.
I totallget how hard it is for you not to jump in to "support" and help him, right now....but, I think it is best if you leave him alone. Your being there has not prevented his drinking or his relapses after rehab.
Right now, I think you will be better off if you return to alanon and not make plans to move in with him. Maybe, reevaluate it, after a solid year of uninterrupted sobriety....while he lives independent of you.....This, also, affords you time to work on yourself and reevaluate what you want for your future life....Right now, you have no idea how his recovery, or not, will unfold.....
Alcoholism is a condition that is prone to relapse....and, one has to be able to live with that knowlege….
You cannot afford to have your happiness wrapped up in whether another person is going to drink, or not. You are responsible for your own happiness...just like he is responsible for his recovery....
This is not easy stuff...and, I do hope that you will stick around this forum to keep learning and getting support...as well as contributing to others on the forum..... -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of us who have been around the recovery community for a long time know just how much struggle the early recovery period is. Depending on the person, it is considered anywhere from one to 2-3--and, some say 4-5 years. EARLY recovery, that is. Of course, the recovery, itself, lasts for a lifetime...living by the principles that are learned in AA. Your BF is in the infancy of recovery....while 5 months might feel like a lifetime, to you...it is still the first wobbly steps.
From what you share...your boyfriend shares some of the impatience and unwilliness to live life on life's terms....the fact that he resents that others m ight not yet, trust him,,,,and, that he thinks he knows better than those who are veterans to his program.....these are cardinal symptoms of an alcoholic who has n ot completely committed themselves to the recovery process. This is very, very common. "I can handle it myself".....or, "I think I can drink, moderately, now".....
He didn't fool the folks at the sober house...but, he lied to himself and to you. He is still struggling with the alcoholic voice, in his head, that whispers to him 24/7....no matter how good he looks on the outside.
This is not dissimilar to the way you dropped out of alanon as soon as you thought your BF was going to be o.k. An underestimation of how deeply the alcoholism affects the alcoholic and the loved ones, as well. As well as ignorance about the nature of alcoholsm and the course of the disease.
For yourself, you are going to need all of the support that you can get...as well as learning more about this disease.. I think you did the best thing, in telling him the truth, and telling him not to come over, the next night. It sounds litke it probably is a relapse....and, this might be his first strong lesson, since rehab, that he cannot have even one drink and that he needs to cling to his program like glue...as the first priority in his life. This is a really hard concept for the newly recovering alcoholic.
Not to insult you, of course...but he doesn't need you, right now. What he needs is reconnection to his recovery community...the meetings and his sponsor, and a counselor. You are too entwined with him to give him what he needs. Anything that you try to do to help will probably be resented by him...because you are part of the "enemy", to him. It means more and different, when coming from other alcoholics and professionals. Plus, the power of the group, in AA is one of the most powerful aspects.
I totallget how hard it is for you not to jump in to "support" and help him, right now....but, I think it is best if you leave him alone. Your being there has not prevented his drinking or his relapses after rehab.
Right now, I think you will be better off if you return to alanon and not make plans to move in with him. Maybe, reevaluate it, after a solid year of uninterrupted sobriety....while he lives independent of you.....This, also, affords you time to work on yourself and reevaluate what you want for your future life....Right now, you have no idea how his recovery, or not, will unfold.....
Alcoholism is a condition that is prone to relapse....and, one has to be able to live with that knowlege….
You cannot afford to have your happiness wrapped up in whether another person is going to drink, or not. You are responsible for your own happiness...just like he is responsible for his recovery....
This is not easy stuff...and, I do hope that you will stick around this forum to keep learning and getting support...as well as contributing to others on the forum..... -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Enabling him to have free reign over your boundaries isn't helping you (and as an aside doesn't help him at all either). All you are saying is these are my boundaries but no matter what you do we will use your alcoholism to explain it away and carry on as usual.
How many times has he lied to you (that you know of) and how many times have you excused it.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
I totallget how hard it is for you not to jump in to "support" and help him, right now....but, I think it is best if you leave him alone. Your being there has not prevented his drinking or his relapses after rehab.
Right now, I think you will be better off if you return to alanon and not make plans to move in with him. Maybe, reevaluate it, after a solid year of uninterrupted sobriety....while he lives independent of you.....This, also, affords you time to work on yourself and reevaluate what you want for your future life....Right now, you have no idea how his recovery, or not, will unfold.....
Alcoholism is a condition that is prone to relapse....and, one has to be able to live with that knowlege….
You cannot afford to have your happiness wrapped up in whether another person is going to drink, or not. You are responsible for your own happiness...just like he is responsible for his recovery....
This is not easy stuff...and, I do hope that you will stick around this forum to keep learning and getting support...as well as contributing to others on the forum..... -
Right now, I think you will be better off if you return to alanon and not make plans to move in with him. Maybe, reevaluate it, after a solid year of uninterrupted sobriety....while he lives independent of you.....This, also, affords you time to work on yourself and reevaluate what you want for your future life....Right now, you have no idea how his recovery, or not, will unfold.....
Alcoholism is a condition that is prone to relapse....and, one has to be able to live with that knowlege….
You cannot afford to have your happiness wrapped up in whether another person is going to drink, or not. You are responsible for your own happiness...just like he is responsible for his recovery....
This is not easy stuff...and, I do hope that you will stick around this forum to keep learning and getting support...as well as contributing to others on the forum..... -
I definitely have no plans to move back in with him or anything; I've actually been really enjoying living alone. And I'm going to start going to meetings again (and contributing here)! I guess at the end of the day I just need to figure out if this is worth breaking up over. I know recovery has to be his first priority, which is why we've tried to keep the relationship pretty light. And he still makes me happy most days. But then when things do go sideways, it's so sad and scary.
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snichcharm….yes, I agree with you to spend time focused on your own life and welfare....which soo many people neglect while centrally focused on their alcoholic....
It is often said that the alcoholics brain...and the personality development gets more or less arrested at the time they start using.....which, for so many is in the adolescent years...even if it doesn't seem like a problem, until many years later.....
I think that this may account for the fact that the alcoholic can seem, in may ways, just like a teenager in an adults body...….
I, also, think that is why early recovery can take so many years for some people...it can take time to "mature"...even, after putting down the bottle.....thus---unwilling to live life on life's terms......
It is often said that the alcoholics brain...and the personality development gets more or less arrested at the time they start using.....which, for so many is in the adolescent years...even if it doesn't seem like a problem, until many years later.....
I think that this may account for the fact that the alcoholic can seem, in may ways, just like a teenager in an adults body...….
I, also, think that is why early recovery can take so many years for some people...it can take time to "mature"...even, after putting down the bottle.....thus---unwilling to live life on life's terms......
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Snichcharm. I think you've got some good advice already here. I'm thinking as I read this...where is he? Relationships are 2-way interactions where (theoretically) we meet in the middle, with both people contributing to it.
Seems like you are taking responsibility for the next steps tho. You're wondering whether you should ring him, roam the streets to find him. Presumably he knows where you are and could reach out to you? If he did say he had needed space so went AWOL for a while, then fine...its a chance for you to talk together about next steps. You're clearly respecting his need for space, but care for him also. This is such a hard situation and im sorry you're having to go through it. Being lied to and shut out is confusing and frustrating. It destroys trust.
Seems like you are taking responsibility for the next steps tho. You're wondering whether you should ring him, roam the streets to find him. Presumably he knows where you are and could reach out to you? If he did say he had needed space so went AWOL for a while, then fine...its a chance for you to talk together about next steps. You're clearly respecting his need for space, but care for him also. This is such a hard situation and im sorry you're having to go through it. Being lied to and shut out is confusing and frustrating. It destroys trust.
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I think we get to the point where leaving is the only option, but I don't know if you're there yet. Ask yourself: do you trust and respect him? Without this I don't think a healthy relationship is possible. I am so sorry you had to get such a brutal wake-up call but this is fairly typical for alcoholics. Big hug.
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus
Snichcharm. I think you've got some good advice already here. I'm thinking as I read this...where is he? Relationships are 2-way interactions where (theoretically) we meet in the middle, with both people contributing to it.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I think we get to the point where leaving is the only option, but I don't know if you're there yet. Ask yourself: do you trust and respect him? Without this I don't think a healthy relationship is possible. I am so sorry you had to get such a brutal wake-up call but this is fairly typical for alcoholics. Big hug.
We are in NYC too!
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Originally Posted by snitchcharm
Thank you Wombat! He actually just texted to see if we could meet up after work. I think I will go and just try to not have too high of expectations... hear what he has to say and go from there.
I am sorry that my comment was hard to hear. Heck, I didn't even like writing it, but you know there isn't any way to pretty up alcoholism.
It's a fine balance you are at. I totally understand why you don't want to give up, but it is two people and he has to contribute too.
It will be interesting to see what his approach will now be, I hope the talk goes well.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Good, now aren't you glad you didn't go roaming the streets!
I am sorry that my comment was hard to hear. Heck, I didn't even like writing it, but you know there isn't any way to pretty up alcoholism.
It's a fine balance you are at. I totally understand why you don't want to give up, but it is two people and he has to contribute too.
It will be interesting to see what his approach will now be, I hope the talk goes well.
I am sorry that my comment was hard to hear. Heck, I didn't even like writing it, but you know there isn't any way to pretty up alcoholism.
It's a fine balance you are at. I totally understand why you don't want to give up, but it is two people and he has to contribute too.
It will be interesting to see what his approach will now be, I hope the talk goes well.
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Originally Posted by snitchcharm
Thank you Wombat! He actually just texted to see if we could meet up after work. I think I will go and just try to not have too high of expectations... hear what he has to say and go from there.
it may just be one to start with , such as "no lies". Or it could be 10 or more.
you deserve to be happy and respected.
I hope it goes well. You're worth it.
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Sooo it didn't go great. Kind of a bizarre night, really.
RABF came over acting like everything was fine... come to realize he hadn't gotten the voicemail I left on Tuesday. Whether it hadn't gone through or he just didn't see it, I'm not sure. But he was furious when I told him about Sober House Coordinator's call. He called Coordinator to chew him out, which was upsetting as RABF has hardly ever raised his voice around me before. Then he explained that they'd never gotten along and he felt like Coordinator just wanted to keep him there for the money.
I called him out for telling me everyone was OK with him leaving when they weren't. He said he had told me that he was leaving earlier than expected (I don't remember his exact words, but that's certainly not what I took away from Tuesday's conversation) and also that he thought they were accepting of it until Coordinator started calling around. So maybe not outright lies, but certainly weird and evasive answers. The story seems to keep changing. He got upset. Started crying. Said he felt like he couldn't do anything right.
I let it go and asked if he wanted to stay over (which had been a pretty normal occurrence for the last couple weeks). We watched a bit of TV. And then he went to bed at like 8pm. Annoying, since I usually like to stay up watching TV or listening to podcasts, but now I felt like I had to be quiet. And upsetting, because who does that unless they're drinking? When I came to bed a little later, I asked him if he'd been drinking and reiterated that he could tell me, I wouldn't get mad, but I just needed him to be honest with me. He said he hadn't and that he would definitely reach out to me for help if he was struggling. But... I don't know if I believe him. Shouldn't have asked I know.
Then he woke up around 6am because his dad was in town and RABF had to go home and shower before meeting Dad for breakfast. Which explains the going to bed early thing; I just wish he'd given me a heads up. Overall, he was just distant and cranky and unpleasant to be around.
I don't know if he's heading for a relapse or already in one. Maybe it's just an adjustment period after leaving the sober living house. But I'm feeling like I need to start making an exit plan. I'm planning to go to lots of Al-Anon meetings in the next few weeks, work on my boundaries, and if things don't improve, end it. I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone.
RABF came over acting like everything was fine... come to realize he hadn't gotten the voicemail I left on Tuesday. Whether it hadn't gone through or he just didn't see it, I'm not sure. But he was furious when I told him about Sober House Coordinator's call. He called Coordinator to chew him out, which was upsetting as RABF has hardly ever raised his voice around me before. Then he explained that they'd never gotten along and he felt like Coordinator just wanted to keep him there for the money.
I called him out for telling me everyone was OK with him leaving when they weren't. He said he had told me that he was leaving earlier than expected (I don't remember his exact words, but that's certainly not what I took away from Tuesday's conversation) and also that he thought they were accepting of it until Coordinator started calling around. So maybe not outright lies, but certainly weird and evasive answers. The story seems to keep changing. He got upset. Started crying. Said he felt like he couldn't do anything right.
I let it go and asked if he wanted to stay over (which had been a pretty normal occurrence for the last couple weeks). We watched a bit of TV. And then he went to bed at like 8pm. Annoying, since I usually like to stay up watching TV or listening to podcasts, but now I felt like I had to be quiet. And upsetting, because who does that unless they're drinking? When I came to bed a little later, I asked him if he'd been drinking and reiterated that he could tell me, I wouldn't get mad, but I just needed him to be honest with me. He said he hadn't and that he would definitely reach out to me for help if he was struggling. But... I don't know if I believe him. Shouldn't have asked I know.
Then he woke up around 6am because his dad was in town and RABF had to go home and shower before meeting Dad for breakfast. Which explains the going to bed early thing; I just wish he'd given me a heads up. Overall, he was just distant and cranky and unpleasant to be around.
I don't know if he's heading for a relapse or already in one. Maybe it's just an adjustment period after leaving the sober living house. But I'm feeling like I need to start making an exit plan. I'm planning to go to lots of Al-Anon meetings in the next few weeks, work on my boundaries, and if things don't improve, end it. I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
All of his behavior is very normal for an alcoholic who is still drinking. He more then likely lied about his Dad that is why he didn't tell you until the morning. He wants to get away and start drinking.
When I was actively drinking I would constantly lie to my partner so that I could get back to drinking in private. It's not that he enjoys drinking anymore but he needs to keep drinking to feel normal.
This disease makes no sense to people who do not understand what it is like.
You should get to an AL anon meeting asap so that you can gain perspective on this and make the best decision for you.
When I was actively drinking I would constantly lie to my partner so that I could get back to drinking in private. It's not that he enjoys drinking anymore but he needs to keep drinking to feel normal.
This disease makes no sense to people who do not understand what it is like.
You should get to an AL anon meeting asap so that you can gain perspective on this and make the best decision for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
snichcharm…...the way he is behaving is not unusual for someone who is so early in sobriety. Just getting from day to day can be a daunting task. Distant, cranky, unpleasant....can be pretty standard. Basically, they are under enormous stress. They have little left over for coping mechanisms...it is mostly used up just getting from day to day. One reason for the saying "one day at a time'.....
This is a good reason to give them a wide berth....for your own self, as well as them. No wonder you feel like you are in the Twilight Zone.....you re still entangled into the details of his alcoholic/recovery life.
this is the very reason that I have been known to say that in an ideal world...the alcoholic and their loved ones should live separately for the first year....very far away from each other. It is more merciful for all concerned.
My husband and I used to own a halfway house...we just owned the house (Oxford House)...We didn't run it...we just rented the house out to the organization...but, I had lots of interaction with the administrators and the residents. The average stay was from 6 to 18 months. I don't know about your boyfriend's halfway house....but, for the Oxford house...it was very clear to me that money was not their main driver. All seemed committed to the cause of sobriety and recovery...from staff to residents. There was a tremendous competition to get a placement, there. Many people applied...but, they only took those who were already through rehab or could demonstrate sobriety and a strong desire to recover.
They did not try to keep anyone for money reasons...because that bed could be filled overnight with someone else. And, this was in a town that was not very affluent.
It would be hard for me to buy his belief that the administrator just wanted his money.
this is so early, for him....and, he has a long way to go....
I sooo agree with your plan to detach and focus on your own self.....it will free you from the burden of his alcoholism struggle that you don't need to be carrying.....
This is a good reason to give them a wide berth....for your own self, as well as them. No wonder you feel like you are in the Twilight Zone.....you re still entangled into the details of his alcoholic/recovery life.
this is the very reason that I have been known to say that in an ideal world...the alcoholic and their loved ones should live separately for the first year....very far away from each other. It is more merciful for all concerned.
My husband and I used to own a halfway house...we just owned the house (Oxford House)...We didn't run it...we just rented the house out to the organization...but, I had lots of interaction with the administrators and the residents. The average stay was from 6 to 18 months. I don't know about your boyfriend's halfway house....but, for the Oxford house...it was very clear to me that money was not their main driver. All seemed committed to the cause of sobriety and recovery...from staff to residents. There was a tremendous competition to get a placement, there. Many people applied...but, they only took those who were already through rehab or could demonstrate sobriety and a strong desire to recover.
They did not try to keep anyone for money reasons...because that bed could be filled overnight with someone else. And, this was in a town that was not very affluent.
It would be hard for me to buy his belief that the administrator just wanted his money.
this is so early, for him....and, he has a long way to go....
I sooo agree with your plan to detach and focus on your own self.....it will free you from the burden of his alcoholism struggle that you don't need to be carrying.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
snichcharm…….another note---to my way of thinking, expecting an alcoholic to tell you when they have had a relapse or a "slip" or whatever you would call it....is an unrealistic expectation. Especially, if you are in an intimate relationship with them. This is, by nature, an uneven playing field...and there is a perceived power difference....placing you in the role of "overseer". Even if the alcoholic loves you...he will still harbor resentment, inside...because, you are coming between him and his desire to drink with freedom. this puts you in the category of the "enemy"...no matter how much he might love you.
What would be better, would be for him to take his truth telling to his AA group and his sponsor. Within the group there is a less feeling of judgement...because they are all in the same boat and they feel the understanding and acceptance. this is part of the power of the group....that you as an individual who wants him to quit drinking for your own personal reasons (understandable) don't posess.
right now, he needs the AA group and his recovery community more than anything else. And, I realize that this may be very hard to hear.....
Remember, that the alcoholic who is in relapse is lying to themselves, first...so, why would you expect them to lie to themselves and tell the truth to you...?
***the kind of truthfulness that is reasonable to expect in a normal healthy relationship....where there is no addiction o r abuse....gets turned on it's head, with a practicing alcoholic...or, one who is in very early recovery. The alcoholic needs to lie to keep on drinking.....it is part of the dynamics of the disease....
So...it is easy to see that it is a fool's errand to ask an alcoholic if they have been drinking....
Lol...I have seen many alcoholics with the drink in hand...swear that they are not drinking.....
What would be better, would be for him to take his truth telling to his AA group and his sponsor. Within the group there is a less feeling of judgement...because they are all in the same boat and they feel the understanding and acceptance. this is part of the power of the group....that you as an individual who wants him to quit drinking for your own personal reasons (understandable) don't posess.
right now, he needs the AA group and his recovery community more than anything else. And, I realize that this may be very hard to hear.....
Remember, that the alcoholic who is in relapse is lying to themselves, first...so, why would you expect them to lie to themselves and tell the truth to you...?
***the kind of truthfulness that is reasonable to expect in a normal healthy relationship....where there is no addiction o r abuse....gets turned on it's head, with a practicing alcoholic...or, one who is in very early recovery. The alcoholic needs to lie to keep on drinking.....it is part of the dynamics of the disease....
So...it is easy to see that it is a fool's errand to ask an alcoholic if they have been drinking....
Lol...I have seen many alcoholics with the drink in hand...swear that they are not drinking.....
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