7 years might be ending with a whimper
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by snitchcharm 
Sooo it didn't go great. Kind of a bizarre night, really.
Yes, you are living in a kind of twilight zone where weird things happen and things are not explained properly and you are left feeling confused and questioning yourself, him, the coordinator, recovery places and your relationship in general.
Since alcoholics, by and large, are ruled by their addiction, it stands to reason that much of their behaviour is also ruled by it. So from that point (and a few others) there is nothing similar here to a "normal" relationship.
Who doesn't pick up their voice mail? Who doesn't check, when informed of said voice mail and say omg sorry I missed that, didn't realize or, I saw it but since it was vm from you I assumed it was just to make plans tomorrow so I texted you. Anything - but no, it's just goes to the twilight zone territory.
What you took away from the other night and what he is now stating are two different things. Did you misinterpret, did he change his point of view or change his story or both, who is forgetting here or is he being manipulative or gaslighting?
Is he is truly worried about finances, ok, he should address that. Maybe outpatient and moving back to his apartment is the answer. Seek counsel, see what can be arranged, attend 90 AA meetings in 90 days.
But that is not what happens, what happens is maybe half truth, maybe his denial, maybe a jumble of stuff.
That is dysfunction, that is why these relationships get in to such a mess and why navigating your way through them is so draining. As Dandylion mentioned, you could soon turn in to the "enemy"here. This is true whether you go along with his plans or don't. Support him endlessly or have boundaries, doesn't matter, at any time you can become the enemy of the alcoholism.
So yes, please protect yourself and your feelings.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Heya Snitchcharm, read your story and it does sound like you are in some kind of Twilight Zone. It does truly suck.
May every force in the universe get behind any chance your ABF has of getting sober meanwhile . . . .
"I'm feeling like I need to start making an exit plan. I'm planning to go to lots of Al-Anon meetings in the next few weeks, work on my boundaries, and if things don't improve, end it. ."
is exactly what you need to do for yourself and probably for him too. I wish doing the right thing wasn't so ding dang dad blasted excruciating.
Take care of yourself!
May every force in the universe get behind any chance your ABF has of getting sober meanwhile . . . .
"I'm feeling like I need to start making an exit plan. I'm planning to go to lots of Al-Anon meetings in the next few weeks, work on my boundaries, and if things don't improve, end it. ."
is exactly what you need to do for yourself and probably for him too. I wish doing the right thing wasn't so ding dang dad blasted excruciating.
Take care of yourself!
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
What TrailMix said about becoming the “enemy” no matter what, is exactly what has happened to me in the 7yr relationship I am in. I have said and displayed behaviors of support for my ABF, I have gone for another round many times after being the doormat to his “promises”, I have FINALLY set a boundary that I have stuck to with all my might... that if he steps foot in the house Drunk I move into the next bedroom and stay there until he gets professional help (as I make an exit plan). So I’ve been in the next bedroom for 3months. Now he says I’m holding him back from doing good , because I won’t stop “fighting”. I haven’t been fighting with him at all, I just finally stuck to my word and won’t act like nothing is wrong , which is what he does after coming home cross-eyed drunk at whatever crazy hour in the morning. The way I see it my future is at stake , and even though this is eating me away I can physically feel the anxious nauseous feeling in my gut every day, I can’t give in again. I keep thinking of all the times when things were “calm” he still seemed distant he has never initiated a meaningful conversation about our future. He seems content to just shack up and tell me that he loves me more than the world as he comes and goes like a single guy out all night enjoying time with his friends (at a bar of course). This is completely opposite from how I view or ever wanted this relationship to be. I also feel like I live in a twilight zone. He will tell me the reason he hangs out all night is because we were “fighting “ , but once again the only reason we fight is because I won’t tolerate him hanging out all night coming home drunk. I’ve asked him if he would put up with me hanging out all night coming home drunk at 7am, his response was NO. So it makes no sense. And I can’t rack my brain anymore to make sense of it. The only thing that would make sense is if he would take the initiative to seek help. But that would require him to take responsibility for his actions , and in his eyes that would give me more power to point the finger at him. As I’ve told him I will not take the blame for this. Yet he will twist and turn things out of context to make me look like I’m to blame. I actually end up feeling guilty! And the whole love thing, he just keeps telling me he loves me- this is after weeks of him walking right past me in the house like I don’t even exists and going out all night. I definitely don’t want to be loved this way. When we tried one session with a counselor he flat out lied about many things even saying he feels like he’s in an abusive relationship!!! This left me basically speechless as I finally looked at him and realized I’m in love with the fantasy of who I wish he was - a decent caring human being.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by Amusic
What TrailMix said about becoming the “enemy” no matter what, is exactly what has happened to me in the 7yr relationship I am in. I have said and displayed behaviors of support for my ABF, I have gone for another round many times after being the doormat to his “promises”, I have FINALLY set a boundary that I have stuck to with all my might... that if he steps foot in the house Drunk I move into the next bedroom and stay there until he gets professional help (as I make an exit plan). So I’ve been in the next bedroom for 3months. Now he says I’m holding him back from doing good , because I won’t stop “fighting”. I haven’t been fighting with him at all, I just finally stuck to my word and won’t act like nothing is wrong , which is what he does after coming home cross-eyed drunk at whatever crazy hour in the morning. The way I see it my future is at stake , and even though this is eating me away I can physically feel the anxious nauseous feeling in my gut every day, I can’t give in again. I keep thinking of all the times when things were “calm” he still seemed distant he has never initiated a meaningful conversation about our future. He seems content to just shack up and tell me that he loves me more than the world as he comes and goes like a single guy out all night enjoying time with his friends (at a bar of course). This is completely opposite from how I view or ever wanted this relationship to be. I also feel like I live in a twilight zone. He will tell me the reason he hangs out all night is because we were “fighting “ , but once again the only reason we fight is because I won’t tolerate him hanging out all night coming home drunk. I’ve asked him if he would put up with me hanging out all night coming home drunk at 7am, his response was NO. So it makes no sense. And I can’t rack my brain anymore to make sense of it. The only thing that would make sense is if he would take the initiative to seek help. But that would require him to take responsibility for his actions , and in his eyes that would give me more power to point the finger at him. As I’ve told him I will not take the blame for this. Yet he will twist and turn things out of context to make me look like I’m to blame. I actually end up feeling guilty! And the whole love thing, he just keeps telling me he loves me- this is after weeks of him walking right past me in the house like I don’t even exists and going out all night. I definitely don’t want to be loved this way. When we tried one session with a counselor he flat out lied about many things even saying he feels like he’s in an abusive relationship!!! This left me basically speechless as I finally looked at him and realized I’m in love with the fantasy of who I wish he was - a decent caring human being.
Can you tell us a bit more about your exit plan?
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