I don't even know where to start.
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Originally Posted by pdm22 
Myers Briggs & Enneagram are systems that I find interesting too, and are great tools to use in helping to understand ourselves and other people better. I don’t find myself trying to type people too much in real life (occasionally I do, especially if I’m really struggling to understand someone, or sometimes a type is just obvious), but I do keep in mind that most people are 6s (followed by 3s & 9s), and those strong codependent tendencies and “helping” type behaviors are found in the Myers Briggs types you mentioned, and in type 2. Although it is my understand that growing up in a dysfunctional home environment in and of itself is on some of the codependent trait checklists (depends on what definition you are going by, no doubt), and in can manifest in various ways, in different types.. My best friend in college and partner in crime 
was an ENTP (possibly an enneagram 7), she had a great sense of humor, was super adventurous, and we had a lot of fun travels together.
As far as you parents, whoa, that’s a lot of personal sexual information to put on you. I’m reminded of a Patrick Carney’s book I read years ago. Not sure why a friend recommended it to me because I didn’t have the emotional incest type stuff (neither parent was an alcoholic, but abusive and dysfunctional, very little sex talk, but my father was a psycho when I went through puberty / teenage years, around boys). But that strikes me as information that would be super invasive, even as an adult. With my own parents, there’s a lot of dysfunction in their marriage too, and I find that I’m happiest and do best when I don’t get involved at all, and mostly try to focus on my own “issues stuff” from my upbringing (the gift that keeps on giving).
was an ENTP (possibly an enneagram 7), she had a great sense of humor, was super adventurous, and we had a lot of fun travels together.As far as you parents, whoa, that’s a lot of personal sexual information to put on you. I’m reminded of a Patrick Carney’s book I read years ago. Not sure why a friend recommended it to me because I didn’t have the emotional incest type stuff (neither parent was an alcoholic, but abusive and dysfunctional, very little sex talk, but my father was a psycho when I went through puberty / teenage years, around boys). But that strikes me as information that would be super invasive, even as an adult. With my own parents, there’s a lot of dysfunction in their marriage too, and I find that I’m happiest and do best when I don’t get involved at all, and mostly try to focus on my own “issues stuff” from my upbringing (the gift that keeps on giving).
We all come into this life with an intrinsic set of flaws to work on and areas to grow in and our parenting sometimes betters them, sometimes makes them more challenging. My oldest daughter is an INFP and we're very close (even though I struggle most with INFPs) but she has a lot of issues with her mother. She is very, very INFP 9W1 and has a propensity to blame her mother for many of the issues she has that I think are part of her core self. She has co-dependency issues for sure but that's not uncommon for her type. The other day she tells me she thinks she thinks maybe she's co-dependent because she doesn't have any close female friends. I just asked her if it was possible that it was the reverse, that she didn't have any close female friends because she's codependent. She's always had a propensity to enmesh with a boyfriend and disconnect from friends and family. Anyway, very INFP Enneagram 9 for sure.
The point to that is it's often so hard to sort out nurture versus nature. I love being a parent, teaching kids, teaching friends, fixing things be it people or inanimate objects, I love watching those "ah ha" moments unfold. I love caring for those I love, my plants or anything else. Time has taught me that it's a feeling I seek and I do it for that feeling, I love growth, I love seeing it, I love being a part of it. 11 years ago I thought this may have been part of the nurture but I've grown and better understood myself and learned it's just the core of me. Anyway, I'm way off topic with that.
As for the other two comments, you're likely correct. They're from a different time where you just ignored, ignored, ignored. The judgement comment is off but you don't know me so I guess it's a fair assumption based on what I've said without taking the time to ask more questions about how I function. I'm a pretty assertive person, I accept fault in anything that doesn't go as planned in my life, I don't blame others or point fingers, I don't avoid, I don't run and that isn't how most people work. My father has spent a lifetime hiding behind my mother and my mother has spent a lifetime allow it never really seeing that she was the only holding all the cards and if she did far too insecure to do anything to make changes.
Love to me means making hard choices, sometimes knowing you just have to let go but certainly always working as a team to leave each other better than you found each other. It means improving each individual person while also having the relationship dynamic there for both of you when life does what life does best, throw curve balls. I've always had this idea that my parents where so deeply in love but it's hard for me to see that with two people who enable each other to be their worst. It's something I'll likely never really understand.
I don't need anything from them I just don't want to see them the way I do. I would be far more inclined to ignore the issues I had with them as people if I could actually have any type of life affirming interactions with them but that's so hard with my dad and tiring for me. I'm really, really bad at humoring him. This last year I rebuilt their entire back porch thinking it would be a good 3 generation project while my son was old enough and my father young enough. It was constant reminiscing and while I enjoyed parts of working together I honestly could have done it twice as fast without him lol. I kept having to quote Elvis (a little less conversation a little more action) at time sensitive times.
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I can definitely see that with INFP, especially since introverted feeling is the function that is dominant for them, and not in your primary processes. I’m an INFJ 9w8, so introverted feeling is not in my primary processes either, and something I’ve always struggled with myself. My best friend (who died last year) I believe was an INFP, 9w1. He helped me a lot with that, though. Something would happen, and I’d be going off on some tangent, and he’d bring it to “how did that make you feel”, and I’d be like, “huh? my feelings?” So sensitive INFJs, but not naturally good with that, unfortunately. He was so sweet and in tune with me too. When we worked together, he’d go on a snack run and get Tootsie Roll Pops, and look through the little window in every single bag at Walgreens, until he found the ones with the least amount of brown, because he knew those were my least favorite, without me even asking him to do that. 
. Things like that. It can be a very sweet type. Can spin on their own feelings, though. For him, I’d bring it to, if you do x,y,z, how will that unfold for you in the future? He’d get himself in trouble a lot with that kind of thing, getting stuck on a feeling, and not really thinking things through.
I think you’re right though, it’s both nature and nurture (including home environment, culture, generation). My parents are a little older than yours, but they come from that time too, when denial ruled, and still function that way. Ignore, ignore, ignore sounds about right. If there was a contest for Queen of Denial, my mother would be in the running for sure. :/ We’d give her a little crown.
. Things like that. It can be a very sweet type. Can spin on their own feelings, though. For him, I’d bring it to, if you do x,y,z, how will that unfold for you in the future? He’d get himself in trouble a lot with that kind of thing, getting stuck on a feeling, and not really thinking things through. I think you’re right though, it’s both nature and nurture (including home environment, culture, generation). My parents are a little older than yours, but they come from that time too, when denial ruled, and still function that way. Ignore, ignore, ignore sounds about right. If there was a contest for Queen of Denial, my mother would be in the running for sure. :/ We’d give her a little crown.
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Originally Posted by pdm22
I can definitely see that with INFP, especially since introverted feeling is the function that is dominant for them, and not in your primary processes. I’m an INFJ 9w8, so introverted feeling is not in my primary processes either, and something I’ve always struggled with myself. My best friend (who died last year) I believe was an INFP, 9w1. He helped me a lot with that, though. Something would happen, and I’d be going off on some tangent, and he’d bring it to “how did that make you feel”, and I’d be like, “huh? my feelings?” So sensitive INFJs, but not naturally good with that, unfortunately. He was so sweet and in tune with me too. When we worked together, he’d go on a snack run and get Tootsie Roll Pops, and look through the little window in every single bag at Walgreens, until he found the ones with the least amount of brown, because he knew those were my least favorite, without me even asking him to do that. . Things like that. It can be a very sweet type. Can spin on their own feelings, though. For him, I’d bring it to, if you do x,y,z, how will that unfold for you in the future? He’d get himself in trouble a lot with that kind of thing, getting stuck on a feeling, and not really thinking things through.
I think you’re right though, it’s both nature and nurture (including home environment, culture, generation). My parents are a little older than yours, but they come from that time too, when denial ruled, and still function that way. Ignore, ignore, ignore sounds about right. If there was a contest for Queen of Denial, my mother would be in the running for sure. :/ We’d give her a little crown.
. Things like that. It can be a very sweet type. Can spin on their own feelings, though. For him, I’d bring it to, if you do x,y,z, how will that unfold for you in the future? He’d get himself in trouble a lot with that kind of thing, getting stuck on a feeling, and not really thinking things through. I think you’re right though, it’s both nature and nurture (including home environment, culture, generation). My parents are a little older than yours, but they come from that time too, when denial ruled, and still function that way. Ignore, ignore, ignore sounds about right. If there was a contest for Queen of Denial, my mother would be in the running for sure. :/ We’d give her a little crown.
But you and I are the only two types to use Fe in the way we do so I completely understand most of your experience. I also really enjoy INFJ friends, my best friend is an INFJ. I understand the struggles, weaknesses, and how bad things can end up turning out for INFJs with the wrong parents who don't understand the depth and intuition they're dealing with.
I will say though, I've never, ever met any 9W8, my 8 wing is hard for me to handle as an ENTP, even harder for others to handle. 8s aren't know for their ability to handle things with kid gloves. So for an INFJ I know 9W1, 5W4, 4W5 and so on but I've never met any type that was a 9W8.
And INFPs, insanely thoughtful at times, totally off base at others. They're AMAZING gift givers, there's something about them I love and feel very protective about. They're also tough for me and I learned to use major caution trying to be friends with a female INFP so as not to end up in a relationship with them I never knew about as they will just make that assumption and door slam you when you have to clarify.
I do know for sure that I really, really struggle with the Fi in my father, it's so illogically emotional to a senseless degree, I can't fathom it, it's like watching an alien for me and that's after having an INFP daughter and 20+ years of experience with MBTI.
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Learning about the functions and how things work is very helpful. I find that I have those ah-ha moments in real life sometimes, when you realize what the person’s dominant function is, or if you aren’t “getting” someone, and then you realize just how different they are, and how they think. Funny about the Fe, I knew nothing about Myers Briggs or Enneagram in college (25 years ago), but my ENTP friend and were an interesting mix. If you just look at the letters or type descriptions you wouldn’t necessarily think that would be a good match, but when you look at functions and how those play out, it makes sense.
Your father is an ESFP & mother ESFJ, I can see how that would play out. Your mother being focused on him and his needs (Fe), and him with the Se, sensory overload stuff, and her tolerating it, endlessly. That makes total sense now about what you said with him and some of his behaviors, and how your mother goes along with it. Interesting how those dynamics can become life long. And frustrating for you, because you see the big picture.
That’s sweet your best friend in an INFJ. I do think many are 9s. I mistyped as a 5w4 forever, but something didn’t add up. I think when you observe yourself at your very worst, when no defense mechanisms are working for you, and you really look your deepest fear in the eye, you can kind of rule out certain “core” types, even if you relate to some of the description. I’d say for the most part I’m a solid 9 (unless you start getting into tri-types, in which case 5 & 4 might play into it). So many descriptions and people out there fall towards 9w1, I think. My 8 wing is there, still a core 9 for sure, but you can see it terms of anger (which is rarely displayed outwardly. But it’s that still waters run deep thing- the quiet slow to anger people, when they finally snap, can be scarier than the ones who are short fused and constantly “barking”).
I think 9w1s can get sacrcastic or passive aggressive. 9w8 have more the inner rage stuff. Also if I get my head around something that I want to do, I can get super assertive and channel all of my energy into it, and when I get like that, nothing can stop me. Can take me a while to get there, though (still a 9 :/ ) It has more to do with my inner self though, and power within, and not so much power over others (like with a core 8). More assertive than a 9w1, but I will think things through before I decide how I want to approach things. Not a knee-jerk reaction type of person, unless I’m out in public, or at work (working with adults diagnosed with chronic mental illnesses), in which case I will act in crisis, and usually can keep my head on pretty straight if that happens. My guess is you might know 9w8 INFJs, or have come across them, but probably wouldn’t really know it, unless you get close to the person (we let so few people close to us as it is), and maybe if you see how the person is when angered.
That would make sense to me too what you said about you with dating INFP types. I can see it becoming a “damsel in distress” situation for you, especially if you get someone who is in an unhealthy state emotionally. The person would be attracted to your strength and assertiveness, and that can end up being a not so great dynamic. Fi can be frustrating for sure. If you ever read comments in articles on Social Media or online, especially after some tragedy happens, it’s easy to spot the dominant Fi types, especially someone who is not well,. It very much comes across as “me, me, me and my feelings- this is all about me right now”.
Your father is an ESFP & mother ESFJ, I can see how that would play out. Your mother being focused on him and his needs (Fe), and him with the Se, sensory overload stuff, and her tolerating it, endlessly. That makes total sense now about what you said with him and some of his behaviors, and how your mother goes along with it. Interesting how those dynamics can become life long. And frustrating for you, because you see the big picture.
That’s sweet your best friend in an INFJ.
I do think many are 9s. I mistyped as a 5w4 forever, but something didn’t add up. I think when you observe yourself at your very worst, when no defense mechanisms are working for you, and you really look your deepest fear in the eye, you can kind of rule out certain “core” types, even if you relate to some of the description. I’d say for the most part I’m a solid 9 (unless you start getting into tri-types, in which case 5 & 4 might play into it). So many descriptions and people out there fall towards 9w1, I think. My 8 wing is there, still a core 9 for sure, but you can see it terms of anger (which is rarely displayed outwardly. But it’s that still waters run deep thing- the quiet slow to anger people, when they finally snap, can be scarier than the ones who are short fused and constantly “barking”).I think 9w1s can get sacrcastic or passive aggressive. 9w8 have more the inner rage stuff. Also if I get my head around something that I want to do, I can get super assertive and channel all of my energy into it, and when I get like that, nothing can stop me. Can take me a while to get there, though (still a 9 :/ ) It has more to do with my inner self though, and power within, and not so much power over others (like with a core 8). More assertive than a 9w1, but I will think things through before I decide how I want to approach things. Not a knee-jerk reaction type of person, unless I’m out in public, or at work (working with adults diagnosed with chronic mental illnesses), in which case I will act in crisis, and usually can keep my head on pretty straight if that happens. My guess is you might know 9w8 INFJs, or have come across them, but probably wouldn’t really know it, unless you get close to the person (we let so few people close to us as it is), and maybe if you see how the person is when angered.
That would make sense to me too what you said about you with dating INFP types. I can see it becoming a “damsel in distress” situation for you, especially if you get someone who is in an unhealthy state emotionally. The person would be attracted to your strength and assertiveness, and that can end up being a not so great dynamic. Fi can be frustrating for sure. If you ever read comments in articles on Social Media or online, especially after some tragedy happens, it’s easy to spot the dominant Fi types, especially someone who is not well,. It very much comes across as “me, me, me and my feelings- this is all about me right now”.
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