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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
Originally Posted by Laur12 
Thank u trailmix. I did walk back in and apologize for the absolutely horrendous thing i said about his child (my middle stepdaughter). It was awful and beneath me even though i despise her. Of course he was screaming at me to get out as i apologized. But i don’t care because i apologized. I am just so very sad. Can’t believe the person i loved and took care of can look in a mirror the way he is behaving. I want so badly to text his parents kids sponsor and let them know the truth so they can hurt like i am. But no point. Wouldn’t change them or him. So i have to just accept and move on. Having a lot of trouble thinking about being single again in a couples world. But i guess it is worth having peace. Just so crushed. Even though i know i would be fine alone in every way. Just never pictured growing old without him.
You can be supportive, perhaps even help point them in the right direction (IF they are open to that) but that's all you can do and I know you have already tried all that and been there.
Doesn't sound like he is interested in recovery and I know you don't want to live like this.
I'm glad you have a plan B in place because as Aries said and as we see so often, most times the addict spouse would just prefer to maintain the current living arrangement and are really stubborn about not making a move to move out.
You are going to feel better than you can imagine I think, it will just take time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Thanks trailmix. Today i am feeling completely exhausted and sad. Need to pep up so i can go take my 79 year old mom shopping and go to dinner with my family. I really do feel completely sick and drained. But need to get it together. Just going to try to stay away. I am dreading having to pack and move and very bitter that he will force that since he can’t afford our place on his own and should be the one leaving. I appreciate everyone’s words. I fully understand what i need to do for myself just sad and angry that it has come to this. To be honest if he would just go i would be perfectly fine - i am just dreading the energy the process is going to rob me of. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Laur12-- I know when alcoholic drama was going on in my family I tended to want to isolate or go about "as if" things were normal (keeping dinner dates or seeing family as scheduled) but the cost of having to keep up a facade is very high....I hope you have at least one close friend you can be real with and reach out or see face to face and just let this stuff out - we all need help carrying these heavy burdens. AlAnon also a good place to let go....
I had a lot of shame to get over, and the more I realized I could talk to my true friends about what was going on the stronger I felt and the less daunting everything seemed. I mean, you have to choose carefully for sure because some people just don't understand alcoholism or addicts at all....but the isolation and keeping things in and/or pretending all the time to the world that everything was A-OK - those were all skills learned in the A dynamic, skills honed to serve Team Alcohol. I had to separate what were unhelpful "learned" behaviors in myself, from all the other amazing rainbow of options of healthy behavior out there!
All to say- you're not alone - and things will shift so much in your perspective as you continue to take steps to free yourself from this unhealthy dynamic. (((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
I had a lot of shame to get over, and the more I realized I could talk to my true friends about what was going on the stronger I felt and the less daunting everything seemed. I mean, you have to choose carefully for sure because some people just don't understand alcoholism or addicts at all....but the isolation and keeping things in and/or pretending all the time to the world that everything was A-OK - those were all skills learned in the A dynamic, skills honed to serve Team Alcohol. I had to separate what were unhelpful "learned" behaviors in myself, from all the other amazing rainbow of options of healthy behavior out there!
All to say- you're not alone - and things will shift so much in your perspective as you continue to take steps to free yourself from this unhealthy dynamic. (((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Thank you, Bernadette! I go to al-anon regularly an i am very open about what is going on with many good friends. I just try to keep it in check with my parents because i know they are worried and love me but to be honest they do not understand the situation at all and it just upsets me to discuss with them. One of the things i feel angry about is the tension between me and my parents over this. They think i owe them to discuss the details of my relationship life with them. and i ..... disagree. My dad asked me “when are you going to stop going to those meetings. They aren’t fixing your relationship” sigh. They don’t get it. And by the way I don’t want to involve my 87 year dad with this. They just simply do not get it. Not angry. Just don’t want to discuss with them too much.
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