Help!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Help!
So my AH as some of you have already read came out of rehab about 4 weeks ago and began drinking (lying,sneaking) immediately. He finally fessed up to all on Tuesday and said he would stop - he was scared bc his kidney levels were very bad. We finally sat down today and talked. I cried i told him I can’t trust him and that i need to be married to someone who is sober. I told him i am not trying to stop him from drinking - that he is of free will and I cannot atop him anyway. But that i will not stay married to an active alcoholic. We went out for a nice lunch chatted and enjoyed. We came back and he said he was going to 530 meeting. We were planning to watch a movie. He definitely did not go to a meeting. His car is not there. Yes i did check because i needed to see if he was lying. I haven’t checked up on him in many months. I had to know. I am sick to my stomach. So here is the question and i need answers quickly. Do i pretend everything is fine when he gets home or do i tell him i know he lied and that i do not want to fight but if he comes clean we can try to work through it. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Do you have an Al-Anon meeting you can get to?
I've sometimes driven a long distance for one and it's usually been very worthwhile. My home group is in a somewhat nearby city. Time driving, music on, listening to Al-Anon speaker recordings, etc. can be quite therapeutic.
I've sometimes driven a long distance for one and it's usually been very worthwhile. My home group is in a somewhat nearby city. Time driving, music on, listening to Al-Anon speaker recordings, etc. can be quite therapeutic.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by Laur12 
I know he was not at a meeting. What i am asking is do i tell him i know or do i go along with the charade.
Maybe it's not about whether he went to a meeting, is lying or something of the many 'isms' of this disease. Maybe it's simply taking a new action that supports your own recovery.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Yes, I know what you are asking, Laur.
If it were me, I'd probably wait to see how he acts when he comes home. If he says anything about the meeting. If not, maybe ask how was the meeting. He will either admit not going, or start lying. If the lies start, that's when I'd tell him I know he didn't go and also tell him how I know he didn't go.
If it were me, I'd probably wait to see how he acts when he comes home. If he says anything about the meeting. If not, maybe ask how was the meeting. He will either admit not going, or start lying. If the lies start, that's when I'd tell him I know he didn't go and also tell him how I know he didn't go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
If you say anything, will you be able to follow through with it?
I think you know what you need to say, even if you don't want to actually do it.
The gulf between what you want to do and what you need to do can be so wide, but if you walk long enough you'll get to the point where you can actually bridge the gap. It's when you stay still, you're stuck.
So what would one step forward look like to you?
I think you know what you need to say, even if you don't want to actually do it.
The gulf between what you want to do and what you need to do can be so wide, but if you walk long enough you'll get to the point where you can actually bridge the gap. It's when you stay still, you're stuck.
So what would one step forward look like to you?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I agree I wouldn't go along with a charade. One thing this doesn't need is more drama or deception?
If he's not at a meeting he's probably out drinking? So that might be noticeable but perhaps not if he only had a few drinks.
How exactly do you "work through" that? You confront him and he apologizes and gives an excuse?
If he's not at a meeting he's probably out drinking? So that might be noticeable but perhaps not if he only had a few drinks.
How exactly do you "work through" that? You confront him and he apologizes and gives an excuse?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Ask yourself what your motivation is for "confronting" him.
Will it change anything?
Will you change the way you usually react when he either tells the truth OR most likely, lies?
If your boundary has been crossed, what are you going to do for yourself?
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Seems like he doesn't want to change. Do you?
Will it change anything?
Will you change the way you usually react when he either tells the truth OR most likely, lies?
If your boundary has been crossed, what are you going to do for yourself?
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Seems like he doesn't want to change. Do you?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Laur…..I really don't think it will make a difference, in the big picture, if you tell him that you know or don't. He is protecting his ability to drink, as all alcoholics do....because they are alcoholics and have a strong compulsion to drink....
Now...I think that it depends on if you want an argument...or not. If you don't mind him lying, again, and being critical of you...go ahead and tell him.
On the other hand, if you want peace.....remember that you don't NEED his forced confession....you already know the truth and nothing changes that.
You know what you know, and you have told him that you will not be married to an alcoholic. You can use your energy to make your own plans for your own best welfare.
It really is a fool's errand to ask an alcoholic if they have been drinking, or if they are lying. they will lie, by necessity, to protect themselves and out of their own denial. that is what alcoholics do....Like birds chirp, and dogs bark.
Lol...I have a feeling that you are sooo angry that you will want to confront him....and, that is your right. so, have at it, if you must...but remember, in the BIG PICTURE your anger won't be stronger than the alcoholism ...nor, stronger than any shame that you think that he might feel. He will be able to cover his feelings with drinking, anyway.....
Now...I think that it depends on if you want an argument...or not. If you don't mind him lying, again, and being critical of you...go ahead and tell him.
On the other hand, if you want peace.....remember that you don't NEED his forced confession....you already know the truth and nothing changes that.
You know what you know, and you have told him that you will not be married to an alcoholic. You can use your energy to make your own plans for your own best welfare.
It really is a fool's errand to ask an alcoholic if they have been drinking, or if they are lying. they will lie, by necessity, to protect themselves and out of their own denial. that is what alcoholics do....Like birds chirp, and dogs bark.
Lol...I have a feeling that you are sooo angry that you will want to confront him....and, that is your right. so, have at it, if you must...but remember, in the BIG PICTURE your anger won't be stronger than the alcoholism ...nor, stronger than any shame that you think that he might feel. He will be able to cover his feelings with drinking, anyway.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Thanks all. I did tell him. He made up a story that he was parked across the street. I let it go. But after that huge fight about other things. until i was hysterical. And of course no concern from him. Cursed at me told me i am the problem. I am crazy. I just can’t anymore. I asked him to give me his check for our rent. Called me cheap. Ive paid the rent alone for 6 months now. Im cheap. Ok. Anyhow i do reAlize this is not my therapy session so enough said. He can have his bottle. His rotten kids. His awful parents. I know i need to be free of this. Just need to get the strength and get out. Thats all. I know what is good for me. It is just so hard to move ahead with it. 😔
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Laur…..as you read through the thousands of posts from others, on this forum...yes, thousands....you will see, over and over, how it is more difficult to live with a practicing alcoholic than to live without them under the same roof....
We get testimonials, here, almost every day from other spouses, girlfrineds, partners....who say, " I can't believe how much more peaceful it is...I didn't know how bad it had gotten until I got away from it".....
there are a couple of sayings in the recovery community that m ight help you, right now...
"Say what you mean/mean what you say/but, don't say it mean."
"Watch their actions...not their words"
We get testimonials, here, almost every day from other spouses, girlfrineds, partners....who say, " I can't believe how much more peaceful it is...I didn't know how bad it had gotten until I got away from it".....
there are a couple of sayings in the recovery community that m ight help you, right now...
"Say what you mean/mean what you say/but, don't say it mean."
"Watch their actions...not their words"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Laur12
It is just so hard to move ahead with it. ��
Yes, that can be hard.
As Dandylion mentioned, there is the big picture here though and if you are going to look that, the paths are clear.
He is a drinker, he wants to drink, that's very clear. He is not drinking at you by the way, he's just drinking, he is an alcoholic and that is what they do.
If your boundary is that you will not live with an alcoholic, then that is your boundary.
It's going to hurt to leave, that's what makes it so hard. There is no great surge of happiness (generally) but you can get through it. That is, of course, your decision.
Time to put down the weapons though perhaps, you can't win this one. Again, he wants to drink. There are only two paths here. You stick by your boundary and separate or you stay and accept him as he is, yes, drinking and all.
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Thank you dandy and trailmix. I have let my emotions get the best of me. I did in fact go crazy at him. And i did say all sorts of horrible things. I haven’t lost it like this in a long time. I am devastated. But i do know i need to move on. He will never stop and if he does good for him. He treats me horribly. I just need to get him out. He says he will go by oct 1. I will not interact with him anymore. Hopefully he will go. If not i will give notice and leave.
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It just really hurts that i have wasted 12 years of my life. Dealing with a selfish mean alcoholic. I deserve to be happy. And i will be. It is hard to get over the fact that he has made it look like it is me. But really what do i care what his parents and kids think. Everyone i love and care about knows it is not me. But more. importantly i know it is not me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You really do sound clear about all this Laur. While you are feeling and seeing those things, it might be a really good time to write that down. Just a small note to keep with you to remind yourself?
You are strong, you don't need him to abuse you. He and his family don't define you, only you define you.
It can be a bit rocky once you leave (but I'm not foreseeing things for you, heck you might just be so relieved you will be happy!)
However sometimes it can be tough but it's short term pain for long term gain (as Dandylion says).
Forgive yourself for blowing up tonight, all of use have a breaking point, there is only so much you can take while being stonewalled.
You are strong, you don't need him to abuse you. He and his family don't define you, only you define you.
It can be a bit rocky once you leave (but I'm not foreseeing things for you, heck you might just be so relieved you will be happy!)
However sometimes it can be tough but it's short term pain for long term gain (as Dandylion says).
Forgive yourself for blowing up tonight, all of use have a breaking point, there is only so much you can take while being stonewalled.
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Originally Posted by Laur12
Thank you dandy and trailmix. I have let my emotions get the best of me. I did in fact go crazy at him. And i did say all sorts of horrible things. I haven’t lost it like this in a long time. I am devastated. But i do know i need to move on. He will never stop and if he does good for him. He treats me horribly. I just need to get him out. He says he will go by oct 1. I will not interact with him anymore. Hopefully he will go. If not i will give notice and leave.
As for your meltdown...meh. You’ve earned the right to blow your stack. Don’t let any guilt over that alter your course, please?
Sending you hopes for strength and clarity...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Thank u trailmix. I did walk back in and apologize for the absolutely horrendous thing i said about his child (my middle stepdaughter). It was awful and beneath me even though i despise her. Of course he was screaming at me to get out as i apologized. But i don’t care because i apologized. I am just so very sad. Can’t believe the person i loved and took care of can look in a mirror the way he is behaving. I want so badly to text his parents kids sponsor and let them know the truth so they can hurt like i am. But no point. Wouldn’t change them or him. So i have to just accept and move on. Having a lot of trouble thinking about being single again in a couples world. But i guess it is worth having peace. Just so crushed. Even though i know i would be fine alone in every way. Just never pictured growing old without him.
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I know he prob won’t if i see it is not happening i will give notice sept 30. And ill get a new place for nov. this is going to suck but i will figure it out.
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
You know he probably won’t do a thing about actually leaving on October 1, right? So best to have a Plan B for yourself so you’re not counting on him to keep his word? Because that hasn’t gone too well...
As for your meltdown...meh. You’ve earned the right to blow your stack. Don’t let any guilt over that alter your course, please?
Sending you hopes for strength and clarity...
As for your meltdown...meh. You’ve earned the right to blow your stack. Don’t let any guilt over that alter your course, please?
Sending you hopes for strength and clarity...
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