Noodler

Today I feel sad, homesick for the past? (although in reality there was ‘no good’ past history). So it’s got to be the ‘What ifs’. And shall I take him back to help him. (What am I thinking).
He’s been gone 15 months... to a great place where he cld of done it..if... he cld of done it..but he hasn’t.
I feel sorry for him today, he’s 63, he’s got the ailments, now has Prostate cancer. He has a Councillor now and eventually got the help through the funding procedures etc etc.
I have eventually found a group for Families which I hope to access this week.
I know I need this help...therefore I hope I won’t be asking this question soon.
I have read everything on this Forum I can...and I know totally Where I am mentally. But it still doesn’t stop those deep feelings of loss, future, that person I bounced everything off, whether he was listening or not lol...Even tho I know that’s crazy! We did have a relationship of sorts.

Denial I have learnt is also an illness, but it took to Me too long to be aware of any of that. I had a childhood with an addictive Mother, hidden addiction, we functioned and did ok, but the neglect of emotion etc came to us very late in life, so I’m feeling I’m dealing with delayed everything, late in life & it’s draining & overwhelming....with all the questions now of what have I put my adult children thru. Etc. As they struggle with their relationship with Alcohol.
I know I carnt & won’t take him back, but some days I want to do a complete U turn.
But what I ve learnt off here is the reality! The Facts! The Truth! which I ve not been armed with before and realise I’m holding out for the first time in my life against addiction, I haven’t give in yet and that’s a 1st.

I realise from here, that tomorrow cld be a better day & push thru. These feelings will change tomorrow to something else. I believe it’s all part of the process isn’t it.

Today I’m feeling down & dusty.

Thanks for reading. xx

dandylion

Noodler…...yes, you are right, it IS part of the process. Grieving takes it's own time, and, can come in fits and starts, sometines.
I think you have a healthy mindset, right now....even if you do feel 'down and dusty" today.....
there is always joy in living , if you look for it.....

Noodler

Thk u Dandylion.....Your thoughts made me feel ‘Normal & not Mad’. And for reminding me it’s part of grieving, sadness, anger, acceptance. I have read that they don’t necessarily have to come in that order, that they can flip around too. Sometimes the quietness from the chaos is a huge space to fill, something to also get used too.

And yes, my small grandson (1 yr) & granddaughter are a joy that reminds Me there’s love & happiness still to be had.
xxx

AnvilheadII

it's pretty normal to "wish" we could go back in time to a seemingly "better" place, before all the drama and chaos and insanity infused itself into every moment. the problem with that wish is, we would then have to relive all the what comes next part AGAIN. we just can't take today's new knowledge and travel BACK in time and therefore force a different outcome.

but - and i love this part - we CAN take all we have experienced and all we have learned and go forth into our many tomorrows. we can be more thoughtful in our decisions, not only in the moment, but how those decisions change our trajectory. we are each our own butterfly effect.

Noodler