Hi my name is d&c and I’m a Codie
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DC, is there anyway you can allow your lawyers to handle the ins and out of the paperwork? Your requests are very reasonable, but no amount of reason is going to get through when he doesn't want the divorce in the first place. You are already forced to be in each other's business by being in the same house, can you let the professionals handle the details of the paperwork?
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The best defense is offense. He blows up and storms out, you are hurt and now going to be reluctant to push forward. I say push forward. Tell him pay for August immediately or get out now. Why are you the hotel DC? I'd be stacking those boxes in the yard just about now. . . I actually did exactly that with a X who was living with me and cheated while drunk. He came home to his stuff in garbage bags on the porch and a different lock on the door. Maybe not legal but it worked.
By the way, this may be a convenient time for him to relapse and blame you.
If he does show up drunk and aggressive, I'd call the cops if any shenanigans at all happen. That would get him out early.
This is in part me venting as he is a manipulative bully and I don't like bullies. I don't want you to do anything unsafe, but I am deeply offended on your behalf. Any azzhat who destroys 1,000 bucks worth of windows in someone else's house and hasn't already paid them back is a freeloading jerk in my book.
By the way, this may be a convenient time for him to relapse and blame you.
If he does show up drunk and aggressive, I'd call the cops if any shenanigans at all happen. That would get him out early.
This is in part me venting as he is a manipulative bully and I don't like bullies. I don't want you to do anything unsafe, but I am deeply offended on your behalf. Any azzhat who destroys 1,000 bucks worth of windows in someone else's house and hasn't already paid them back is a freeloading jerk in my book.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
DC, is there anyway you can allow your lawyers to handle the ins and out of the paperwork? Your requests are very reasonable, but no amount of reason is going to get through when he doesn't want the divorce in the first place. You are already forced to be in each other's business by being in the same house, can you let the professionals handle the details of the paperwork?
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
The best defense is offense. He blows up and storms out, you are hurt and now going to be reluctant to push forward. I say push forward. Tell him pay for August immediately or get out now. Why are you the hotel DC? I'd be stacking those boxes in the yard just about now. . . I actually do exactly that with a X who was living with me and cheated while drunk. He came home to his stuff in garbage bags on the porch and a different lock on the door. Maybe not legal but it worked.
By the way, this may be a convenient time for him to relapse and blame you.
If he does show up drunk and aggressive, I'd call the cops if any shenanigans at all happen. That would get him out early.
This is in part me venting as he is a manipulative bully and I don't like bullies. I don't want you to do anything unsafe, but I am deeply offended on your behalf. Any azzhat who destroys 1,000 bucks worth of windows in someone else's house and hasn't already paid them back is a freeloading jerk in my book.
By the way, this may be a convenient time for him to relapse and blame you.
If he does show up drunk and aggressive, I'd call the cops if any shenanigans at all happen. That would get him out early.
This is in part me venting as he is a manipulative bully and I don't like bullies. I don't want you to do anything unsafe, but I am deeply offended on your behalf. Any azzhat who destroys 1,000 bucks worth of windows in someone else's house and hasn't already paid them back is a freeloading jerk in my book.
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
all that’s left is a few changes to correct names of cars and year of model. Then he signs. That’s it! Every time I bring it up he goes off on me. Does he think I’m kidding???
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
No, he just doesn't want to get divorced. Sounds like he's gotten the better of the bartering system so far, and he also fears putting on his big boy pants and getting on with his life without a rescuer, perhaps? I think a little hard ball may be in order here DC.
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He's trying to make it hardball by escalating his anger to get you to back off. Classic manipulation. You know rationally that you are trying to take care of things and you've been very calm and nice about getting it done.
He's behaving like a two-year old because he still, at some level, thinks he will stop the divorce from moving forward. He doesn't like the consequences he has earned, and he is going to make sure you are punished for holding him accountable.
I say take him up on the offer of leaving early. I'd even offer him a week or two stay in a residential hotel (in cash--make him use his own credit card in case he trashes the room) to sign the papers and get out this week. The check you write him will be after he is out, paperwork is signed, and you have a locksmith there to change the locks same day.
Yes, I get it is more money. But is dealing with this ceaseless unpredicatible torment really worth the savings? I think not. He has a mercenary side which apparently runs in the family. Appealing to that may be a good way to find peace sooner rather then later.
He's behaving like a two-year old because he still, at some level, thinks he will stop the divorce from moving forward. He doesn't like the consequences he has earned, and he is going to make sure you are punished for holding him accountable.
I say take him up on the offer of leaving early. I'd even offer him a week or two stay in a residential hotel (in cash--make him use his own credit card in case he trashes the room) to sign the papers and get out this week. The check you write him will be after he is out, paperwork is signed, and you have a locksmith there to change the locks same day.
Yes, I get it is more money. But is dealing with this ceaseless unpredicatible torment really worth the savings? I think not. He has a mercenary side which apparently runs in the family. Appealing to that may be a good way to find peace sooner rather then later.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
He's trying to make it hardball by escalating his anger to get you to back off. Classic manipulation. You know rationally that you are trying to take care of things and you've been very calm and nice about getting it done.
He's behaving like a two-year old because he still, at some level, thinks he will stop the divorce from moving forward. He doesn't like the consequences he has earned, and he is going to make sure you are punished for holding him accountable.
I say take him up on the offer of leaving early. I'd even offer him a week or two stay in a residential hotel (in cash--make him use his own credit card in case he trashes the room) to sign the papers and get out this week. The check you write him will be after he is out, paperwork is signed, and you have a locksmith there to change the locks same day.
Yes, I get it is more money. But is dealing with this ceaseless unpredicatible torment really worth the savings? I think not. He has a mercenary side which apparently runs in the family. Appealing to that may be a good way to find peace sooner rather then later.
He's behaving like a two-year old because he still, at some level, thinks he will stop the divorce from moving forward. He doesn't like the consequences he has earned, and he is going to make sure you are punished for holding him accountable.
I say take him up on the offer of leaving early. I'd even offer him a week or two stay in a residential hotel (in cash--make him use his own credit card in case he trashes the room) to sign the papers and get out this week. The check you write him will be after he is out, paperwork is signed, and you have a locksmith there to change the locks same day.
Yes, I get it is more money. But is dealing with this ceaseless unpredicatible torment really worth the savings? I think not. He has a mercenary side which apparently runs in the family. Appealing to that may be a good way to find peace sooner rather then later.
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I sure there was / is love at some level DC, but love isn't enough if someone is addicted and not doing what they should be doing to care for their partner and deal with their issues.
That's simply what grownups do.
You take care of you today. There is a better life out of the whirlpool of addiction.
That's simply what grownups do.
You take care of you today. There is a better life out of the whirlpool of addiction.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I sure there was / is love at some level DC, but love isn't enough if someone is addicted and not doing what they should be doing to care for their partner and deal with their issues.
That's simply what grownups do.
You take care of you today. There is a better life out of the whirlpool of addiction.
That's simply what grownups do.
You take care of you today. There is a better life out of the whirlpool of addiction.
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It is excellent. Do you think you are getting enough objective distance to see that his tactics of yelling, insults, guilt, and anger are just that? Selfish ways to get what he wants with no thought about what you want, need, or have gone through to keep him alive recently?
The fact that you didn't have an anxiety attack suggests to me that your subconscious is really starting to understand that you didn't cause his addiction and you can't control it--only your response and what you are willing to live with. That's a very healthy growth step.
The fact that you didn't have an anxiety attack suggests to me that your subconscious is really starting to understand that you didn't cause his addiction and you can't control it--only your response and what you are willing to live with. That's a very healthy growth step.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
It is excellent. Do you think you are getting enough objective distance to see that his tactics of yelling, insults, guilt, and anger are just that? Selfish ways to get what he wants with no thought about what you want, need, or have gone through to keep him alive recently?
The fact that you didn't have an anxiety attack suggests to me that your subconscious is really starting to understand that you didn't cause his addiction and you can't control it--only your response and what you are willing to live with. That's a very healthy growth step.
The fact that you didn't have an anxiety attack suggests to me that your subconscious is really starting to understand that you didn't cause his addiction and you can't control it--only your response and what you are willing to live with. That's a very healthy growth step.
That’s between you and your higher power. Some of the 12 steps are strictly alcohol related, others can apply to non alcoholics too such as continuing to take inventory, promptly admitted when we were wrong, improving our conscience contact with god, making amends, etc. Just saying
so so I know perhaps his heart was in the right place but the control is still there. I’ve lived with him long enough to know his communication intentions. Heavy sigh...I almost fell for the “ I should respect your boundary lines...”
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Even the sentence gave it away (I should respect your boundary lines.)
Should is a modal of obligation--something one ought to do but may not.
I notice he didn't use must, which is a modal of necessity, or will, which is a modal of certainty.
Forensic linguistics is very interesting, isn't it?
Should is a modal of obligation--something one ought to do but may not.
I notice he didn't use must, which is a modal of necessity, or will, which is a modal of certainty.
Forensic linguistics is very interesting, isn't it?
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Even the sentence gave it away (I should respect your boundary lines.)
Should is a modal of obligation--something one ought to do but may not.
I notice he didn't use must, which is a modal of necessity, or will, which is a modal of certainty.
Forensic linguistics is very interesting, isn't it?
Should is a modal of obligation--something one ought to do but may not.
I notice he didn't use must, which is a modal of necessity, or will, which is a modal of certainty.
Forensic linguistics is very interesting, isn't it?
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you're brilliant! Look how fast you are figuring this all out and you are are right in the middle of severe emotional upheaval.
What kind of writing do you specialize in? (no need to answer if too public)
I ask because you really are getting some major slice of life fodder for future work, all jokes aside.
What kind of writing do you specialize in? (no need to answer if too public)
I ask because you really are getting some major slice of life fodder for future work, all jokes aside.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
you're brilliant! Look how fast you are figuring this all out and you are are right in the middle of severe emotional upheaval.
What kind of writing do you specialize in? (no need to answer if too public)
I ask because you really are getting some major slice of life fodder for future work, all jokes aside.
What kind of writing do you specialize in? (no need to answer if too public)
I ask because you really are getting some major slice of life fodder for future work, all jokes aside.
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On another note, his humility and kindness yesterday is in diametric opposition to the anger today. Last night when I returned from church I thought I smelled alcohol. There is an uh-oh moment now. He stormed out over 2 1/2 hours ago for his meeting. He usually returns in an hour. He’s is not back. I want to think he is with a sponser doing his steps...or...dun dun duuun.
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Yep, you're the perfect scapegoat for his choice to relapse, as we talked about before.
Maybe he is doing his steps with sponsor, but since it isn't "working" to let him stay, he may chuck it all and get drunk. He may well have been drinking all along as you sensed earlier.
But this time, he pulls any violent crap like breaking things, trapping you in a room, yelling at you, threatening you in any way you call the cops. He is getting angrier and meaner--this can be really dangerous as even people who were not violent in the past can get that way with divorce coming, etc. Don't take any chances.
They will remove him and you can ask for a restraining order. That would resolve the housing situation for free. Besides, the deal for him to stay in your home was as long as he was in outpatient and sober, yes?
Maybe he is doing his steps with sponsor, but since it isn't "working" to let him stay, he may chuck it all and get drunk. He may well have been drinking all along as you sensed earlier.
But this time, he pulls any violent crap like breaking things, trapping you in a room, yelling at you, threatening you in any way you call the cops. He is getting angrier and meaner--this can be really dangerous as even people who were not violent in the past can get that way with divorce coming, etc. Don't take any chances.
They will remove him and you can ask for a restraining order. That would resolve the housing situation for free. Besides, the deal for him to stay in your home was as long as he was in outpatient and sober, yes?
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Yep, you're the perfect scapegoat for his choice to relapse, as I suggested earlier.
But this time, he pulls any violent crap like breaking things, trapping you in a room, yelling at you, threatening you in any way you call the cops.
They will remove him and you can ask for a restraining order. That would resolve the housing situation for free. Besides, the deal for him to stay in your home was as long as he was in outpatient and sober, yes?
But this time, he pulls any violent crap like breaking things, trapping you in a room, yelling at you, threatening you in any way you call the cops.
They will remove him and you can ask for a restraining order. That would resolve the housing situation for free. Besides, the deal for him to stay in your home was as long as he was in outpatient and sober, yes?
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Maybe one or all of the above, but not your circus, not your monkeys.
I believe you were making a pizza, and then perhaps a walk, long soak in the tub with candles, and a modest Netflix binge?
I recently binged on Call the Midwife. I hear Madame Secretary is quite good also.
I believe you were making a pizza, and then perhaps a walk, long soak in the tub with candles, and a modest Netflix binge?
I recently binged on Call the Midwife. I hear Madame Secretary is quite good also.
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