Did I let him off the hook too easily!?
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Join Date: May 2019
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I believe as soon as alcoholism is even a subject between two people, there can be no real respect in the game, so to speak. Therefore the anger happens.
I made a mistake of breaking NC as I wished to check whether there is some progress with my finance's thinking. But sadly, its now even worse, as now he is justifying a break up in a way that is undermining everything we have built in time. And like PeacefulWater has said, I need to see it as they protecting their drinking, and not an attack on me. But its still painful to hear. Which is why Im NC again now.
He told me btw, that i labeled him and he is angry now for that?! He said I will always now think in this way about him. Which is the reason he gave up completely...so anyone-where is any logic in that? Not that im looking for it anymore either
I made a mistake of breaking NC as I wished to check whether there is some progress with my finance's thinking. But sadly, its now even worse, as now he is justifying a break up in a way that is undermining everything we have built in time. And like PeacefulWater has said, I need to see it as they protecting their drinking, and not an attack on me. But its still painful to hear. Which is why Im NC again now.
He told me btw, that i labeled him and he is angry now for that?! He said I will always now think in this way about him. Which is the reason he gave up completely...so anyone-where is any logic in that? Not that im looking for it anymore either
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Fiona....actually, it is very logical. Logical to him. It puts all of the blame and responsibility on You for the demise of the relationship.
After all....if he owned up to the fact that his alcoholism destroyed the relationship (or, at least was a major reason)…..he would have to stop drinking...
He would have to give up the thing that helps him cope with life. That probably feels to him like a death sentence, of sorts.....
He is not ready to quit....
shifting the responsibility to you is a perfectly logical solution, for him.....
After all....if he owned up to the fact that his alcoholism destroyed the relationship (or, at least was a major reason)…..he would have to stop drinking...
He would have to give up the thing that helps him cope with life. That probably feels to him like a death sentence, of sorts.....
He is not ready to quit....
shifting the responsibility to you is a perfectly logical solution, for him.....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Notice how he doesn't just give you his opinion, he also gives you your opinion.
He tells you what you have done (labelled him) his reaction to that (anger) and how you are now going to think (as said label).
How's that for some convoluted thinking? Does he read minds as well?
This goes back to the not taking it personally thing. That whole part there has exactly nothing to do with you. You didn't tell him you now had him labelled forever more! He made it up in his head.
He tells you what you have done (labelled him) his reaction to that (anger) and how you are now going to think (as said label).
How's that for some convoluted thinking? Does he read minds as well?
This goes back to the not taking it personally thing. That whole part there has exactly nothing to do with you. You didn't tell him you now had him labelled forever more! He made it up in his head.
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Join Date: May 2019
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Dandylion yes, i guess they have their own twisted logic.
ANd Exactly trailmix, I actually told him the exact opposite- that it is a condition, not really HIM, and that there IS a way out of it and i am willing to support him once he is ready to give it up. But I suppose he is neither ready, nor seeing me as even a friend in all this now. He would rather twist my words instead, blame it all on me- to make it suit his needs for continuing to drink, I suppose.
I wonder, what usually makes them 'hit the rock bottom' anyway? What is the trigger? I know everyone is different, but if he is in it for years (as i now believe he is) and still doesn't even remotely see the problem, and has given up on his ' true love' as he used to call me, is there ANY hope he WILL see it one day? And especially as his family and friends are also enablers, as I can see...I dont wish to sound completely hopeless for him, but I dont see how such thing can occur in his case!? :***
ANd Exactly trailmix, I actually told him the exact opposite- that it is a condition, not really HIM, and that there IS a way out of it and i am willing to support him once he is ready to give it up. But I suppose he is neither ready, nor seeing me as even a friend in all this now. He would rather twist my words instead, blame it all on me- to make it suit his needs for continuing to drink, I suppose.
I wonder, what usually makes them 'hit the rock bottom' anyway? What is the trigger? I know everyone is different, but if he is in it for years (as i now believe he is) and still doesn't even remotely see the problem, and has given up on his ' true love' as he used to call me, is there ANY hope he WILL see it one day? And especially as his family and friends are also enablers, as I can see...I dont wish to sound completely hopeless for him, but I dont see how such thing can occur in his case!? :***
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You just never know.
My Father was an alcoholic and drank all his life, never sought recovery that I know of, never discussed it.
Some say there is no such thing as "rock bottom". I tend to agree. It might seem that way from outside but is it really? And who's to say what that might be. Is it when someone loses their job because of absences due to hangovers or is it living on the street, no job, no money and panhandling for dinner?
It is progressive though, if he is a really heavy drinker it's possible that it will become so miserable for him he will finally give it up. They don't stay all fit and healthy and happy endlessly. It affects their minds, their bodies and their relationships.
It's a pretty miserable way to live.
One thing to remember as well. He is living this as well. His life is the life of an addict. Even if he swore off all drugs tomorrow and decided to seek recovery - first of all that can take quite some time and secondly it doesn't mean he would be the man you knew.
My Father was an alcoholic and drank all his life, never sought recovery that I know of, never discussed it.
Some say there is no such thing as "rock bottom". I tend to agree. It might seem that way from outside but is it really? And who's to say what that might be. Is it when someone loses their job because of absences due to hangovers or is it living on the street, no job, no money and panhandling for dinner?
It is progressive though, if he is a really heavy drinker it's possible that it will become so miserable for him he will finally give it up. They don't stay all fit and healthy and happy endlessly. It affects their minds, their bodies and their relationships.
It's a pretty miserable way to live.
One thing to remember as well. He is living this as well. His life is the life of an addict. Even if he swore off all drugs tomorrow and decided to seek recovery - first of all that can take quite some time and secondly it doesn't mean he would be the man you knew.
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"But I suppose he is neither ready, nor seeing me as even a friend in all this now. He would rather twist my words instead, blame it all on me- to make it suit his needs for continuing to drink, I suppose. "
Yes Fiona, pretty much this. Also if he did decide to get sober there would really be little to nothing you could do to support him. Professionals and other alcoholics in recovery are way better at supporting an alcoholic seeking recovery.
Of course more will be revealed with time but no matter what we all do best to stick to our side of the street and figure out how to support our own lives . . . .sigh . . . something I still struggle with.
Hang tough this is really difficult stuff to live through.
Yes Fiona, pretty much this. Also if he did decide to get sober there would really be little to nothing you could do to support him. Professionals and other alcoholics in recovery are way better at supporting an alcoholic seeking recovery.
Of course more will be revealed with time but no matter what we all do best to stick to our side of the street and figure out how to support our own lives . . . .sigh . . . something I still struggle with.
Hang tough this is really difficult stuff to live through.
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