Did I let him off the hook too easily!?

Old 07-13-2019, 11:20 AM
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Did I let him off the hook too easily!?

I am struggling today again, after already feeling much better, as a thought arose in my mind recently that I actually didnt give out to him as much as i probably should have, and got angry as much for his behaviour. As the fact is, we kinda parted ways in peace, and even now we sometimes talk and act in an undestanding way and he genuinely says he cant handle relationships, so i always act with care and with kindness and love- and not that i am enabling alright (as i drew the line some months ago, which is the reason why we are not together anymore in the first place).

But since I didnt allow myself to be angry at someone for having an actual disease, I now dont have any such space for letting off the steam or expressing my deepest disappointment that I do still feel for a loss relationship and years of investment of my heart and life.

Having said that, I somehow believe now so that he got away too easily, so to speak. And I get angry when I think about this. But then again, what else could have been done-he would have 'chosen' to drink no matter what?!

Hope you understand my point, and would love to hear some insights as I am fighting with my own mind at the moment and trying to forgive and forget but somehow cant let go once again, and its exhausting .
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:28 AM
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  1. from the book getting them sober: “is that man getting away with anything? Look at him. Is that sodden man unconscious most of the time, is that dying man getting away with anything?” I recommend the book, btw. Hope you can find some peace, I’m working on it too. Hugs to you
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:29 AM
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You took the high road.

Now, there can be a price to pay for taking that road. Sometimes it's worth it though don't you think?

You could have screamed and yelled, you could have punished him, could have withheld affection and maybe thrown in some side ways glances as he poured another drink.

To what end? Perhaps you think you might have felt better venting that frustration on him? Really, probably not. It would have just changed the dynamic in to something even more destructive (not just for him, for you).

Could your boundaries have been stronger? Maybe, that's something you can work on now if you think that is the case.


So this:

he would have 'chosen' to drink no matter what?!
Do you honestly believe this, I mean really believe it, no doubts? It is true but if you don't truly believe it, it can be a struggle.

Still chatting to him while carrying around these questions and resentments might not be all that good for you. Perhaps a period of no contact would be better for you?
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Old 07-13-2019, 11:55 AM
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Thank you so much and yes, completely true, and the fact that he is indeed 'the dying man' (in lot of different ways- bigger and smaller) breaks my heart into million peaces. Which is probably why I went from NC to talking with him every once in awhile again. I guess I cant seem to let him go entirely just yet.

After all, he is really smart and gentle person deep down and we were good friends too, so this is all the more reason and heartbreaking to disengage entirely.

However, it is indeed so to the point @trailmix- these struggles and doubts do resurface every time we talk. So i might go NC again alright.

But even when NC, my problem is this built up anger and resentment and no ways of releasing it somehow... I just feel like a closed book sometimes, full of stories but they weight heavy on me now and my energy is depleted ...
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Old 07-13-2019, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by fionamccarthy View Post
Thank you so much and yes, completely true, and the fact that he is indeed 'the dying man' (in lot of different ways- bigger and smaller) breaks my heart into million peaces. Which is probably why I went from NC to talking with him every once in awhile again. I guess I cant seem to let him go entirely just yet.

After all, he is really smart and gentle person deep down and we were good friends too, so this is all the more reason and heartbreaking to disengage entirely.

However, it is indeed so to the point @trailmix- these struggles and doubts do resurface every time we talk. So i might go NC again alright.

But even when NC, my problem is this built up anger and resentment and no ways of releasing it somehow... I just feel like a closed book sometimes, full of stories but they weight heavy on me now and my energy is depleted ...
write a story entitled the last drunk at the hotel. I get it. My A is a wonderful man....alcohol takes the best of them. No contact is for your healing and I hope you do go no contact to get some space, perspective, and grounded in your self. Hugs...
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Old 07-13-2019, 12:55 PM
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You are allowed to be angry. Our situations are unfair and sad and infuriating.
I'm using mindfulness to get me through some of my tough times- highly recommend it.
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Old 07-13-2019, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by fionamccarthy View Post
my problem is this built up anger and resentment and no ways of releasing it somehow... I just feel like a closed book sometimes, full of stories but they weight heavy on me now and my energy is depleted ...
I guess the question is, who are you angry at, him or yourself, both?

It's one thing to take the high road (ie: I won't vent my frustration about his drinking because it is a mental illness) it's another to feel you were codependent or that you put up with poor treatment and didn't defend yourself.

Not defending yourself, not calling someone on their poor treatment of you hurts you. It lowers your self-esteem and self-worth, it's frustrating, it makes you sad - it's an all around damaging situation to be in (as you well know).

So yes, perhaps you did let yourself down by not taking care of yourself enough, by not protecting yourself enough (and I don't mean duels at dawn lol) - now you just have to forgive yourself.

That tried and true saying of once you know better. Living with an alcoholic is probably something new for you, you didn't get training in it, regular relationship rules do not apply most of the time. Really you are just flying by the seat of your pants most of the time?

I really think writing it all out would help. A list of all the terrible incidents, how you handled it and how you would handle it differently. It gives you a chance to review and think about your boundaries.

Maybe write him a letter while you are at it and share your frustration. Maybe sit on it for a few weeks. Review it, edit it, get it all out. Whether you choose to burn it or send it is up to you, of course.
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Old 07-13-2019, 01:35 PM
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Fiona.....don't forget the 3 Cs.
You didn't Cause it. You can't Cure it. You can't Control it.

Also, it has only been a relatively short time, in the big picture since you separated...So. I think you should give yourself a break on the "forgive and forget" struggle.
I think that so many people think that if they rush to forgiveness, that everything is done and dusted....
To me, I think that forgiveness is, basically, an acceptance that history won't change itself..as we move forward in our lives.. I believe that forgiveness, like grieving and many other things, in life, comes in it's own TIME.....
And, I think that coming into more self-awareness plays a part, in the journey, also....

I think it is likely , given the short time, that you certainly must be in the throes of grieving the loss of the relationship and what that relationship meant to you....Anger is one of the emotions of grieving....one of the mixture of emotions. It is to be expected...even if it is not welcomed...lol...


It has been my experience that grieving people have a great need to express these emotions....especially the need to talk about them to understanding others....to express and feel validated....

And/or express in Some way....even if it is to scream and shake the fist at the heavens.
some people write out their emotions in a journal...(lol..I've never been able to do that)…
Of course, you are welcome to talk about what you are angry about, here on this forum...We do it daily, around here...lol....


Every person's life is different...and, it can take years for some people to be ready to forgive some things, in their own time...when they are ready...
Others...not so much. It is very, very, scenario dependent.

As for "forgetting"....well, unless you develop some kind of long term dementia....or amnesia...that won't happen....
However, it will, eventually, be relegated to some dusty corner of our memory attic....and, occasionally, pop into our mind...like some faded photograph---But, not with the searing pain of when it happened....
Like when we fell off the monkey bars and broke our arm when we were 8 yrs. old.....we never really forget that it happened.....
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Old 07-16-2019, 11:31 AM
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Ok, here is an update- I have actually talked to him again and this time, it didnt go quite smoothly. As he half carelessly said how our marriage arrangements were basically half-joke for him and so, I didnt remain collected this time around and have lost my temper, and said how I am utterly disgusted with his 'choices' and how he should defo think very carefully about what he says or does next time around. To conclude, I was still hoping in the back of my mind that me leaving (and putting my foot down, and saying how i wont tolerate his drinking and how in order for us to have any chance in the future he knows what he needs to do) would somehow prompt him into actually changing his priorities and realising the loss etc. and therefore, that he would perhaps CHOOSE me after all and our 'loving' relationship. But not that he didnt do that as i can see, but on the complete opposite- he managed to accuse me actually how i was controlling him all this time actually (even if i totally wasnt) and how he never got 'accepted' by me for 'who he is' .... All in all, there is NO HOPE whatsoever at the end of the day...So this made me extremely sad now
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Old 07-16-2019, 11:36 AM
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One day at a time. This is a lot to deal with, even when it sometimes seems otherwise.

Are there Al-Anon meetings in your area? http://www.al-anon.org/

In person support can be a great help, when it's available.
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Old 07-16-2019, 11:45 AM
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It's completely normal to have doubts about decisions. By not unleashing your anger, however, you don't have the emotional hangover that invariably comes afterward. He didn't ask to be an alcoholic and hopefully he'll get help. Big hug!
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Old 07-16-2019, 11:55 AM
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NYCDoglvr I understand and I am regretting it as we speak already. However, he just knows how to say the most hurtful thing to me and somehow 'push my buttons'... How come they know so much about what to say to people to cause a negative reaction? it almost like they are possessed by some demon who is extremely smart and feeds of peoples weak points!? Complete mystery lol...
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Old 07-16-2019, 11:58 AM
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I truly wished to let go btw, and understand that he has a severe disease where he is not logical about any of his life decisions etc. However, its difficult to now listen to how I invented everything-this whole relationship, I suppose. And all the plans etc. Years wasted for what?! Whats most important, we did manage to be ok with each other for quite some time after the breakup, but now I am loosing it hehe
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Old 07-16-2019, 01:05 PM
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he managed to accuse me actually how i was controlling him all this time actually (even if i totally wasnt) and how he never got 'accepted' by me for 'who he is'
From his perspective this is probably true. He is an alcoholic. He wants to drink when he wants to drink, period (and as much as he wants to drink).

He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.

You don't want him to drink, you want him to quit drinking and seek recovery.

Now that may be the wise decision and probably seems obvious to you or pretty much anyone, but that doesn't mean it's his decision for his life. So no, you don't accept him for who he is, truthfully.
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Old 07-16-2019, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by fionamccarthy View Post
Whats most important, we did manage to be ok with each other for quite some time after the breakup, but now I am loosing it hehe
Chances are during your relationship you probably had little time or emotional capacity to really see all that was going on. You were probably so busy with the drama created by alcoholism and putting out fires and etc etc that it's only now that you truly get to reflect and say - hang on a minute, wth was that!!

That is naturally going to lead to resentment and anger. And why wouldn't you be angry? You feel like you have been led down the garden path.

Continuing to talk to him is really putting you in a bad spot emotionally it seems. Who needs to be talking to someone like that who still has the power to hurt you so much? Why are you letting this person have access to your feelings?

You need to protect yourself.
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:03 PM
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trailmix indeed, I should go no contact again, and I am starting today. For I figured,it wont get better as I was hoping all this time somehow. As some people DO seek help when their partners leave. But I am learning now that he is not even near of thinking along those lines. Especially because his whole surroundings is very tolerant of drinking also, so if he would drop it altogether, he would have to change his whole identity (literally). Which is all sad to begin with, as I do believe this is not WHO anyone is, but their illness takes the best of them and so they start to believe this is who they are or even HAVE TO BE-to survive, to keep their frienships too even (in this case)....
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:15 PM
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Once again I figured how I still delude myself at times with seeing this relationship with rose coloured glasses and as with much more potential than was actually there-obviously. And someone said recently how addicts cant indeed be neither reliable and decent partners, NOR even good friends. As friendship also requires certain amount of accountability, for that matter. Having said that- I am slowly leaving all those hopes and illusions behind ,and giving up on pretty much everything I was building my life around in the last couple of years. Which is a painful and slow process indeed, as I honestly wished to spend the rest of my life with this man. Besides, as someone wrote on the internet-i am such person that everything i ever left behind has claw marks on it. Meaning, Im not easy to get into a relationship, but once I do, I am there for the long ride...all the more painful for me so.
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Old 07-16-2019, 10:48 PM
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When A's push our buttons, it is not to get at US, it is to protect their drinking.

They want/need to keep drinking so will do or say whatever is needed to allow them to continue doing so.

None of it is personal. Which sounds strange as the verbal attacks are using very personal information about us.

They would be doing and saying the same things regardless of who they are in a relationship with. The only time they can lay off is when they are in a relationship with such an enabler that the enabler helps them continue drinking but often even the enabler will be turned against at some point.

It is an insane and horrible disease for both them with it and those around them.

My AH is dying of it at this time. So very sad.
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Old 07-17-2019, 06:03 AM
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Sorry you're finding it all so hard. You mentioned feeling like the alcoholic has been possessed by a demon. This article may interest you
https://thecostaricanews.com/spiritual-consequences-alcohol-consumption/

Be gentle with yourself. It will get easier
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Old 07-17-2019, 06:47 AM
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I definitely understand how that can feel. Even though my A and I are in a more healthy and respectful relationship there are times I get angry with myself. How badly I’d love to express how much pain I went through with his drinking.

I learned that even if I wanted to scream for 8 hours straight to his face it would solve nothing but tear apart the relationship. Instead I found better ways to express myself. I go to two different 12 steps, I journal, I listen to podcasts, and even play angry music when I drive home late at night and scream along with it. Everyone has their way of letting it out, you just have to find your healthy version!
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