Why do they hang on to their "control freaks"?
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Why do they hang on to their "control freaks"?
Here's something that continues to perplex me. Maybe those of you with a better understanding of addicts (I'm still confused by my XAH) can enlighten me.
Like many of you, I was called a "control freak" over and over again. "Quit trying to control me! Go live your life and let me live mine!"
But when you leave (or try to leave), they freak out. When you give them what they seem to want--the ability to drink whenever and however they want--they fly into a rage, get violent, or leave death threats on your voicemail (as my XAH did).
Why aren't they overjoyed at finally having the freedom to drink as much and as often as they like?
Sorry if the answer is obvious. It isn't to me.
Like many of you, I was called a "control freak" over and over again. "Quit trying to control me! Go live your life and let me live mine!"
But when you leave (or try to leave), they freak out. When you give them what they seem to want--the ability to drink whenever and however they want--they fly into a rage, get violent, or leave death threats on your voicemail (as my XAH did).
Why aren't they overjoyed at finally having the freedom to drink as much and as often as they like?
Sorry if the answer is obvious. It isn't to me.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I think it would differ in each situation, but it might be a pride thing. You're the cause of all my problems, why are YOU leaving ME? Most people, sober or not, don't like rejection.
It could also upset their comfortable lifestyle. Many spouses take over the running of domestic life from the A because they have no choice. Imagine having all that boring stuff done for you, then being left to organise your life yourself.
There's the money and child support aspect as well.
In short, marriage suits many As.
It could also upset their comfortable lifestyle. Many spouses take over the running of domestic life from the A because they have no choice. Imagine having all that boring stuff done for you, then being left to organise your life yourself.
There's the money and child support aspect as well.
In short, marriage suits many As.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I found that my XABF mostly just wanted to maintain the status quo, where he got to drink and check out whenever he liked, and I took care of real life so he didn't have to think about it.
Look, addiction is a mess of contradictions, denial, and deflection. There are no "obvious" answers. My XABF wanted to drink and and wanted to not want to drink. He wanted me to take care of things but he also wanted to be responsible (or at least be seen as responsible). He wanted me to care, he wanted me to shut up and leave him alone.
The most important thing that I learned was that not one bit of that nonsense had anything to do with me personally. While I had my own issues to deal with (like why did I stay with someone who behaved so badly and treated me so disrespectfully), his behavior was entirely about HIS addiction and HIS issues. I was just in the line of fire (and that was because I kept putting myself there).
I lost a lot of life focusing on why he did what he did, instead of why I did what I did. Accepting him for who and what he was was a lot more productive than trying to understand it.
Look, addiction is a mess of contradictions, denial, and deflection. There are no "obvious" answers. My XABF wanted to drink and and wanted to not want to drink. He wanted me to take care of things but he also wanted to be responsible (or at least be seen as responsible). He wanted me to care, he wanted me to shut up and leave him alone.
The most important thing that I learned was that not one bit of that nonsense had anything to do with me personally. While I had my own issues to deal with (like why did I stay with someone who behaved so badly and treated me so disrespectfully), his behavior was entirely about HIS addiction and HIS issues. I was just in the line of fire (and that was because I kept putting myself there).
I lost a lot of life focusing on why he did what he did, instead of why I did what I did. Accepting him for who and what he was was a lot more productive than trying to understand it.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
Addicts/alcoholics always cling like hell to their enablers. When you stop enabling they get very angry.
Also generally the only time they would get rid of their enabler is when they have a new one in place. Usually an overlap. So addict/alkie never without one.
Often keeps the old one on the hook too, just in case!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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It's because they want you to just let them drink and absorb themselves into their addiction...with no consequences. So you stop trying to control them and decide to do what is good for you, that is certainly not what they wanted either.
Bad behavior has consequences. Addicts HATE consequences.
Just my two cents.
Bad behavior has consequences. Addicts HATE consequences.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
NewLife.....I think that FeelingGreat makes a good point...that different As will react if different ways. Actually, some do, eagerly, go on to where they can drink without interference....and, have no one to answer to.....lol---that is very frequently, back into their parent's basement.....and, that only works, for them, until the parents start to ask for so me responsibility...and, then, they find the parents "too controlling"....
In truth, I think that they are very dependent on their "control freaks"....but, are very embarrassed and humiliated to admit this truth. To save their own face...they criticize the partner.....but, it scares them to death to be left to fend alone....
It reminds me, in m ay ways of the youngish teenager who is struggling with the developmental stage of dependence vs. independence....
Sime As are very immature.....
In truth, I think that they are very dependent on their "control freaks"....but, are very embarrassed and humiliated to admit this truth. To save their own face...they criticize the partner.....but, it scares them to death to be left to fend alone....
It reminds me, in m ay ways of the youngish teenager who is struggling with the developmental stage of dependence vs. independence....
Sime As are very immature.....
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
When my ex girlfriend had periods of sobriety — we’d openly discuss this topic together.
For her, she began drinking to mask anxiety. At the core, I believe what we all cover up (to variable degrees)... fear, insecurity and guilt. And fear is truly the root cause for so much of our pain and suffering.
Addiction temporarily masks all this... creating a blurred perception of confidence or strength. This, in turn starts a warped reality and a skewed sense of being... of themselves, how they view others, and what they expect from others.
Alcoholism increased my ex’s issues with control... alcohol originally made her feel more “in control” when, in reality, she was losing control. That feeling of having a lack of control trickled down to how she viewed me and my life. For ex: if I was out with friends having fun... she’d be angry and resentful when I returned home (even though, she “wanted” to stay home and proclaimed to be confident in our relationship). Again, a warped perception of control. She was losing control yet telling herself and others that she was still “in control”...then as she went spiraling down further, tried to control me even more.
It’s complex — but makes a lot of sense when broken down. Although certainly not as clear when you’re within the madness!
I will add, it’s not just addicts who have these issues. Myself, and all of us have complex issues rooted in fear. Coping mechanisms are what differs.
My ex tried to control, and so did I. I tried to control her drinking and many other aspects amongst our chaos. That’s exactly what one does... we all try to control when there’s a lack of control.
I think, for many years I blamed her drinking and alcoholism for most everything... and that type of thinking is also warped. I played my part and I take responsibility for adding to the madness.
For her, she began drinking to mask anxiety. At the core, I believe what we all cover up (to variable degrees)... fear, insecurity and guilt. And fear is truly the root cause for so much of our pain and suffering.
Addiction temporarily masks all this... creating a blurred perception of confidence or strength. This, in turn starts a warped reality and a skewed sense of being... of themselves, how they view others, and what they expect from others.
Alcoholism increased my ex’s issues with control... alcohol originally made her feel more “in control” when, in reality, she was losing control. That feeling of having a lack of control trickled down to how she viewed me and my life. For ex: if I was out with friends having fun... she’d be angry and resentful when I returned home (even though, she “wanted” to stay home and proclaimed to be confident in our relationship). Again, a warped perception of control. She was losing control yet telling herself and others that she was still “in control”...then as she went spiraling down further, tried to control me even more.
It’s complex — but makes a lot of sense when broken down. Although certainly not as clear when you’re within the madness!
I will add, it’s not just addicts who have these issues. Myself, and all of us have complex issues rooted in fear. Coping mechanisms are what differs.
My ex tried to control, and so did I. I tried to control her drinking and many other aspects amongst our chaos. That’s exactly what one does... we all try to control when there’s a lack of control.
I think, for many years I blamed her drinking and alcoholism for most everything... and that type of thinking is also warped. I played my part and I take responsibility for adding to the madness.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 23
For me, I was always called manipulative and a control freak. In a way, through outside help especially al anon, you learn that you are. That you are codependent and try to control the alcoholic. It’s all in love but it doesn’t help.
I guess what they really want is that aid. That enabler. The support of someone because an addict doesn’t want to be alone.
I guess what they really want is that aid. That enabler. The support of someone because an addict doesn’t want to be alone.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by hopeful4
It's because they want you to just let them drink and absorb themselves into their addiction...with no consequences. So you stop trying to control them and decide to do what is good for you, that is certainly not what they wanted either.
Bad behavior has consequences. Addicts HATE consequences.
Just my two cents.
Bad behavior has consequences. Addicts HATE consequences.
Just my two cents.
I've seen the adult alcoholic get upset because they had to clean their childhood room out because they used/abused it as a messy storage unit. They started one day going on a brief rampage and didn't finish the one small project until 3 weeks later. In almost hoarder like fashion they are slow to get rid of small stuff. Some things like a piece of furniture they have no problem saying goodbye to but the boxes and piles of stuff seems to bother them(boo hoo). Point is yes anything done for them wether cleaning, organizing or letting them get their way enables no matter how small or inconsequential it seems. They become 'addicted' to the enabling as much as the chemical.
After suddenly tossed or abandoned several times over the years they seem more angry than depressed because it's about what someone else 'did to them' and not the other way around.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Setting aside the pampered life of many celebrities I remember watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab and they were talking about the cleaning chores and several didn't know how to clean a toilet-huh? At first I thought it was scripted but then after further viewing and thinking about others it's true. There are people that can't do or struggle with the most common and necessary tasks in life. I think if many of these common things were emphasized much more in some fashion not only in rehab but in ones up bringing/life we all be much better off.
But who is to blame for that but better yet 'blame' should not be the issue. Somethings people just need to learn how to do and prioritize period. And they shouldn't need a lecture, a class, a dummy book etc. This is what people must be taught that there things that one must learn and do on their own. I think many programs include independence and self reliance but maybe it needs to be emphasized more.
But who is to blame for that but better yet 'blame' should not be the issue. Somethings people just need to learn how to do and prioritize period. And they shouldn't need a lecture, a class, a dummy book etc. This is what people must be taught that there things that one must learn and do on their own. I think many programs include independence and self reliance but maybe it needs to be emphasized more.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Why do many of us in this section keep bitching about the alcoholic? It's a dead end of bitterness. Why are we in alcoholic relationships to begin with? That's a much more helpful question to be asking. Blame is cheap.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Why do many of us in this section keep bitching about the alcoholic? It's a dead end of bitterness. Why are we in alcoholic relationships to begin with? That's a much more helpful question to be asking. Blame is cheap.
Rather than ask "why do they hang on to their control freaks," maybe ask yourself some of the following questions (and these aren't all directed at the original poster, as she seems to wisely have moved out of the relationship):
"Why am I so surprised every time he exhibits alcoholic behavior when I know that he is an alcoholic?"
"Why do I keep expecting the person who I am in a relationship with to suddenly change into someone who he isn't, when he has shown me over and over again exactly who he is? "
"Why do I keep complaining about the situation, but not take action to change the situation for myself? Why do I keep my focus on him and disempower myself? How is this serving me?"
"Why do I keep making another sick, dysfunctional person the focus of my life? Why am I sacrificing my health, my happiness, my one precious life to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic who isn't working to change and improve?"
"Am I self-sacrificing? Does being self-sacrificing mean that I am a good person? Why? "
"Why don't I make my own self-growth and happiness the focus of my life? What programming did I grow up with in my family that makes me think I don't deserve to be happy?"
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Excellent questions-- thank you
I love this...
Originally Posted by Needabreak
I couldn't agree more. Continually bitching about the alcoholic keeps one stuck in circular thinking and leads to a dead end of bitterness.
Rather than ask "why do they hang on to their control freaks," maybe ask yourself some of the following questions (and these aren't all directed at the original poster, as she seems to wisely have moved out of the relationship):
"Why am I so surprised every time he exhibits alcoholic behavior when I know that he is an alcoholic?"
"Why do I keep expecting the person who I am in a relationship with to suddenly change into someone who he isn't, when he has shown me over and over again exactly who he is? "
"Why do I keep complaining about the situation, but not take action to change the situation for myself? Why do I keep my focus on him and disempower myself? How is this serving me?"
"Why do I keep making another sick, dysfunctional person the focus of my life? Why am I sacrificing my health, my happiness, my one precious life to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic who isn't working to change and improve?"
"Am I self-sacrificing? Does being self-sacrificing mean that I am a good person? Why? "
"Why don't I make my own self-growth and happiness the focus of my life? What programming did I grow up with in my family that makes me think I don't deserve to be happy?"
Rather than ask "why do they hang on to their control freaks," maybe ask yourself some of the following questions (and these aren't all directed at the original poster, as she seems to wisely have moved out of the relationship):
"Why am I so surprised every time he exhibits alcoholic behavior when I know that he is an alcoholic?"
"Why do I keep expecting the person who I am in a relationship with to suddenly change into someone who he isn't, when he has shown me over and over again exactly who he is? "
"Why do I keep complaining about the situation, but not take action to change the situation for myself? Why do I keep my focus on him and disempower myself? How is this serving me?"
"Why do I keep making another sick, dysfunctional person the focus of my life? Why am I sacrificing my health, my happiness, my one precious life to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic who isn't working to change and improve?"
"Am I self-sacrificing? Does being self-sacrificing mean that I am a good person? Why? "
"Why don't I make my own self-growth and happiness the focus of my life? What programming did I grow up with in my family that makes me think I don't deserve to be happy?"
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Why do many of us in this section keep bitching about the alcoholic?
Getting over this stuff isn't always a linear process.
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