Should I?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Should I?
AH is moving out of the home we used to share this weekend. While packing, he found some of my belongings I missed and said he’d leave them on the counter for me so I could collect them when he was at work. And I need to drop off my key so he can give it to our landlord.
We haven’t spoken much, but he’s being civil now at least. My question is this: I’ve printed out dissolution papers and filled them out, and marked the sections he needs to sign. I have no idea where he’s moving so I was thinking I’d leave the papers with my house key. Maybe include a stamped envelope so he could mail them (to my friends place, I don’t want him to know my address) and I can file them.
Im just being so cautious not to rock the boat, or do anything to make him fly off the handle now that he’s being somewhat decent. The paperwork discusses me getting to keep the SUV in both our names and I worry he will come at me about that despite the fact that it’s my car and I have it and we’ve unofficially agreed it’s staying with me. Yet my big concern is he will move and I’ll never get him the paperwork. I suppose I could always mail it to his mothers house but I’m just worried about this dragging on and on and on.
My friend says I should just rip the band aid off and leave the papers with a kind note on how to fill them out and leave it at that. He’ll have to see them eventually.
Thoughts?
We haven’t spoken much, but he’s being civil now at least. My question is this: I’ve printed out dissolution papers and filled them out, and marked the sections he needs to sign. I have no idea where he’s moving so I was thinking I’d leave the papers with my house key. Maybe include a stamped envelope so he could mail them (to my friends place, I don’t want him to know my address) and I can file them.
Im just being so cautious not to rock the boat, or do anything to make him fly off the handle now that he’s being somewhat decent. The paperwork discusses me getting to keep the SUV in both our names and I worry he will come at me about that despite the fact that it’s my car and I have it and we’ve unofficially agreed it’s staying with me. Yet my big concern is he will move and I’ll never get him the paperwork. I suppose I could always mail it to his mothers house but I’m just worried about this dragging on and on and on.
My friend says I should just rip the band aid off and leave the papers with a kind note on how to fill them out and leave it at that. He’ll have to see them eventually.
Thoughts?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
He doesn't need an instruction note, and yeah, I would leave the papers.
If he's going to "come at you " about the car he's going to have to do it with an attorney.
If it were me I would leave your attorney's business card and a note to contact him/her with any questions.
I would also give the landlord the key personally.
If he's going to "come at you " about the car he's going to have to do it with an attorney.
If it were me I would leave your attorney's business card and a note to contact him/her with any questions.
I would also give the landlord the key personally.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Most places (if not every place) you can get an uncontested divorce even if he isn't "officially" served but it does make it more difficult. I agree with Mango - I would try to get him served while you know where he is. He must know it's coming.
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I could get the papers served if it was a divorce, but I’m going to attempt a dissolution first. Which is basically an uncontested divorce, where we’ve already split our finances, debts, assets, possessions together without attorneys or legal counsel. And we’ve done all that. Everything that needs to be split has been split.
It would be less costly, time consuming, and ugly than divorce as we would only have to appear in court once, for the judge to confirm were in agreement and terminate the marriage.
As as far as what I know, he’s moving Saturday so I have days to figure this out. I’m sure he knows it’s coming too. At least I would hope so but who knows what’s going through his head these days.
It would be less costly, time consuming, and ugly than divorce as we would only have to appear in court once, for the judge to confirm were in agreement and terminate the marriage.
As as far as what I know, he’s moving Saturday so I have days to figure this out. I’m sure he knows it’s coming too. At least I would hope so but who knows what’s going through his head these days.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Well, if you're doing this all on your own without counsel, I guess you have to figure all this out yourself.
I was divorced, I never had to go to court. I didn't get an attorney. I didn't need one, we agreed and my ex paid for his attorney to write the documents.
I was divorced, I never had to go to court. I didn't get an attorney. I didn't need one, we agreed and my ex paid for his attorney to write the documents.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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No, all on our own. I know I for sure can’t afford an attorney, though I did consult one when this all started. And I know there’s no way he could afford one either. So I’m hoping he’ll just sign the papers. We don’t have kids, we don’t own property, we don’t have shared credit card debt, expenses or anything.
In reality, this should be simple as long as he doesn’t give me a hard time.
In reality, this should be simple as long as he doesn’t give me a hard time.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Could you have a victim's advocate or friend go with you today? If he's agreeable and signs today, done. If not, you'll know what you're dealing with and have a chance to set another time to meet to receive the signed papers -- like tomorrow. Edit/ will he need a notary?
As much as I've had very good experiences with keeping No Contact, there were times beneficial for me to show up in person to get something accomplished.
As much as I've had very good experiences with keeping No Contact, there were times beneficial for me to show up in person to get something accomplished.
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He’s at work, which is why we agreed I’d come drop the key off and pick up everything I forgot this morning. So we wouldn’t have to see each other.
Honestly, I think it’s the conflict avoidant in me that doesn’t want to leave the papers. Because I know they’ll upset him, and I don’t want to deal with that. But at the same time, it needs to be done at some point. We’ve been living apart and separate for just over a month...I don’t know how long people normally wait, if this is considered too soon, etc.
Honestly, I think it’s the conflict avoidant in me that doesn’t want to leave the papers. Because I know they’ll upset him, and I don’t want to deal with that. But at the same time, it needs to be done at some point. We’ve been living apart and separate for just over a month...I don’t know how long people normally wait, if this is considered too soon, etc.
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The paperwork discusses me getting to keep the SUV in both our names and I worry he will come at me about that despite the fact that it’s my car and I have it and we’ve unofficially agreed it’s staying with me.
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emmab...here is a website that is educational in nature...and, it covers almost all areas of divorce.....it is listed by state.....
It might be of interest to you, right now...
www.womansdivorce.com
It might be of interest to you, right now...
www.womansdivorce.com
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To have the car in my name only, he would have to agree to sign the title over to me. Which require him actually signing the title, as if he were selling me the car.
This is can be done at the dissolution hearing in front of the judge. Which is why I haven’t asked him to do it yet. Either way, paperwork needs to be signed. I don’t know if it matters if he signs the title first or the dissolution paper. In the actual paperwork it just asks how we are planning on dividing up vehicles.
I really have done my research on this, trying to figure out the best way to go about it. I can’t get the car in my solely my name without him agreeing to it, one way or another. At the moment, it’s just been an unspoken thing that the car is mine considering we bought it after my previous vehicle died so I had a vehicle and he has both a car and a work van.
This is can be done at the dissolution hearing in front of the judge. Which is why I haven’t asked him to do it yet. Either way, paperwork needs to be signed. I don’t know if it matters if he signs the title first or the dissolution paper. In the actual paperwork it just asks how we are planning on dividing up vehicles.
I really have done my research on this, trying to figure out the best way to go about it. I can’t get the car in my solely my name without him agreeing to it, one way or another. At the moment, it’s just been an unspoken thing that the car is mine considering we bought it after my previous vehicle died so I had a vehicle and he has both a car and a work van.
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I'm just going to leave them today.
The car is a whole issue that might take a while to get solved. I pulled out the info I took down from when I talked to the lawyer and because we financed the vehicle, we don't "own" the title. The lien holder does. And they could very will choose not make changes to the title until the loan is paid in full. I'll have to contact the lender and see what I have to do. I am listed as the primary owner, and AH as the secondary. Don't know if that matters or not.
The car is a whole issue that might take a while to get solved. I pulled out the info I took down from when I talked to the lawyer and because we financed the vehicle, we don't "own" the title. The lien holder does. And they could very will choose not make changes to the title until the loan is paid in full. I'll have to contact the lender and see what I have to do. I am listed as the primary owner, and AH as the secondary. Don't know if that matters or not.
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How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
What if while packing, you found some of his belongings he missed and said you’d leave them on the counter for him so he could collect them when you were at work. And he needs to drop off his key so you can give it to our landlord. He comes by, picks up his belongings, drops off his key, and leaves dissolution papers that have been filled them out, and he marked the sections you need to sign.
I have no idea how anyone else would react, but in this scenario being wordlessly left dissolution papers on the counter would probably anger me. If I had been previously told that was what was going to happen, I would handle it much better, but to just find dissolution papers sitting on the counter without any warning or prior knowledge would be a total blindside; even though common sense tells me that dissolution papers would happen at some point. It would seem like a gotcha and would be upsetting. I would much prefer to be given advance notice that dissolution papers were being drawn up and would be dropped off.
What if while packing, you found some of his belongings he missed and said you’d leave them on the counter for him so he could collect them when you were at work. And he needs to drop off his key so you can give it to our landlord. He comes by, picks up his belongings, drops off his key, and leaves dissolution papers that have been filled them out, and he marked the sections you need to sign.
I have no idea how anyone else would react, but in this scenario being wordlessly left dissolution papers on the counter would probably anger me. If I had been previously told that was what was going to happen, I would handle it much better, but to just find dissolution papers sitting on the counter without any warning or prior knowledge would be a total blindside; even though common sense tells me that dissolution papers would happen at some point. It would seem like a gotcha and would be upsetting. I would much prefer to be given advance notice that dissolution papers were being drawn up and would be dropped off.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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The last thing I want to do is be unkind or make him angry. I just don’t want this to drag on longer than it has to, especially since I won’t have an address for him after this weekend.
In the end, it doesn’t matter. I walked into the house and pretty much lost it. Being there was too hard, I just wanted to leave. I grabbed my stuff, dropped the key and left.
Maybe this is something I’ll just have to bring up to him, or find another solution for.
In the end, it doesn’t matter. I walked into the house and pretty much lost it. Being there was too hard, I just wanted to leave. I grabbed my stuff, dropped the key and left.
Maybe this is something I’ll just have to bring up to him, or find another solution for.
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Originally Posted by nez 
How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
What if while packing, you found some of his belongings he missed and said you’d leave them on the counter for him so he could collect them when you were at work. And he needs to drop off his key so you can give it to our landlord. He comes by, picks up his belongings, drops off his key, and leaves dissolution papers that have been filled them out, and he marked the sections you need to sign.
I have no idea how anyone else would react, but in this scenario being wordlessly left dissolution papers on the counter would probably anger me. If I had been previously told that was what was going to happen, I would handle it much better, but to just find dissolution papers sitting on the counter without any warning or prior knowledge would be a total blindside; even though common sense tells me that dissolution papers would happen at some point. It would seem like a gotcha and would be upsetting. I would much prefer to be given advance notice that dissolution papers were being drawn up and would be dropped off.
What if while packing, you found some of his belongings he missed and said you’d leave them on the counter for him so he could collect them when you were at work. And he needs to drop off his key so you can give it to our landlord. He comes by, picks up his belongings, drops off his key, and leaves dissolution papers that have been filled them out, and he marked the sections you need to sign.
I have no idea how anyone else would react, but in this scenario being wordlessly left dissolution papers on the counter would probably anger me. If I had been previously told that was what was going to happen, I would handle it much better, but to just find dissolution papers sitting on the counter without any warning or prior knowledge would be a total blindside; even though common sense tells me that dissolution papers would happen at some point. It would seem like a gotcha and would be upsetting. I would much prefer to be given advance notice that dissolution papers were being drawn up and would be dropped off.
This is a business transaction, the emotional pain was inflicted on her as well, for a long time. No one gets out pain-free. At this point my main concern would be safety and expediency.
FWIW, when I was separated, I didn't know he had a lawyer. We didn't talk. One day the divorce papers appeared on the seat of my locked car.
I just thought it was cowardly, which was par for the course for my head-in-the-sand, alcoholic, drug using, IRS-cheating, lying husband. Yeah, it was painful. It needed to be done. I took it to a notary, signed it and sent it back.
Everything about divorce is painful. I tried to minimize any contact unless necessary.
emma
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