Just thought I would post a little update.
It's been almost three weeks in my new apartment. I've unplugged completely from social media, AH and I have spoken once in the past three weeks and it was quick text conversation.
How am I doing?
Good. Really good, to be honest. Most of my negative emotions anymore are associated with the guilt over how good I feel being alone and how little I think about AH. There are days and times where I miss him, but it is by no means a crippling feeling. It comes and goes. I'm trying not to get to a place where I can tell myself it's okay that I'm okay even if he isn't.
For the first time in many years, I feel in control of my own life and I feel more like myself than I have since I got married. It's nice to only have to worry about myself. When I go out with friends, I feel relaxed and I have fun because I'm not constantly worried if anyone is noticing how much AH is drinking, and I'm not apologizing for his immature, borderline offensive comments and behavior. I realize now how much I used to feel like I was a killjoy, or the fun police because I was just scolding him or sitting there feeling uptight.
My friend made the comment the other night that it was nice to have 'fun Emma' back.
I still have a lot to work through. A lot of issues are still there and need to be dealt with, but I feel like I'm almost over the hump. Honestly, all that's left is filing the divorce paperwork. I've been ready to get that over with, but with the unstable way AH acted and treated me when I was moving out, I'm not eager to put divorce papers in his hands too soon. The one thing I am worried about is making sure he gets them before he moves, because I have no idea where he's going.
My other awkward issue is that I haven't told anyone at work, so answering questions about my husband is always a gutwrenching feeling followed by me internally screaming. But I don't want to talk about it. And I don't feel I have to tell anyone anything until the divorce is actually finalized.
For right now, I just want to have what little happiness and simplicity I can. I just want this respite before the next step.
Thank you again, everyone. Without all your support, this never would have happened. I never would have left and I would've spent another god knows how many years miserable and lonely.