SaveYourHeart

Hi y'all! I haven't posted here in forever. Mostly because I gave up on myself and decided to just keep living the miserable life I was living. BUT NO MORE! Back in November, I applied for a position within my company that would move me out of state and I got it! I spent the next several months in training and moved to Louisiana back in March. My ah said he would eventually move with me but I don't think he will. In fact, I'm not sure what he's doing because I haven't talked to him in 20 days. The first 10 were filled with worry and confision. The last 10 have been the most peaceful days of my life in 5 years. I adopted a blind dog, I've explored my city, my parents came to visit me and I don't worry about him or what he thinks anymore. I'm enjoying my new life and making new friends and I never thought any of this was possible. I don't stress about walking through my door to what kind of argument I'm going to walk into. I don't cry myself to sleep. I don't ask for permission to do anything. I've never been freaking happier. Thank you all for all of your support and guidance through my journey. I'm still learning and working on myself, but this step has been the biggest, scariest and most rewarding step I've ever taken. And I wouldn't have had the courage if it weren't for y'all.

dandylion

Great to hear, saveYourHeart…..! I am so glad that you are enjoying your life with your new doggie!!

I am curious....(I remember you)…..can you say what the straw that broke the camel's back for you...? The final thing that changed you from a person who resolved to live in misery...to one that decided to live your life.....?

I am anxiously awaiting your answer...lol......

SaveYourHeart

I don't think it was any one thing, to be honest. I think it was everything, the dread of living a mediocre life at best with someone who wouldn't ever love me as fiercely as I wanted to be loved. I really only planned to apply for a local position when the time came, but this one came out of nowhere and I applied on a whim. I sold it to my ah as an opportunity for us to excel financially and for me to grow my career. He was on board the whole time, but i quietly hoped that this would be my chance to start over. Through training, we became distant and I had a week back home before I actually had to move. He visited around Easter and it hit me that everything that came out of his mouth was negative. From my friends, to my family, to my city, to my roommate, to me, everything was negative. It hurt for a moment and then I realized that this has been our entire relationship. I built friendships and he tore them down. I made hobbies and he told me I'd never follow through with them. I spent our entire marriage trusting his opinion, but alone here, I've built these friendships and hobbies that I love and he's not here 24/7 to tear them down. He's not here to gaslight me and make me question what's real and what's not. Him not being here has made all the difference. I sit on my patio in the morning and drink my coffee, feel the sun on my face and play with my dog and I know this is real. This happiness is pure. It's real. And now, finally, it's mine.

trailmix

SYH - I'm so happy to hear this! Your story is so positive, I'm so happy for you.

Is that not funny how this all came together for you with the new job location and how that time apart can really enable you to see the contrast - the negativity.

dandylion

SVH......thank you for your clarifying response!
I think your experience is such a good example of how some separate time can allow a person to realize how miserable their situation really is....
Time and Space

FeelingGreat

Hi SYH, you sound like you're having a wonderful revelation. I was wondering whether you have a plan for if he changes his mind and decides to move in again?

You sort of did this by stealth, nothing specific was said, and he may be surprised that its over from your POV. Are you willing to tie up the loose ends? For instance, there may be liabilities if you're still married, like debts. You're presumably also next of kin to each other.

You sound so happy it may be best to use the momentum to go further and initiate formal separation.

Mango212

Congratulations. One day at a time.

Are you going to Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery?

((((hugs))))

SaveYourHeart

I definitely did it by stealth, ghosting is the only way that I feel comfortable leaving people lol. I'm gonna let the silence drag on for another month and then finally file my divorce. I'm working on settling my debts in the meantime and saving money so I can change my car insurance to Louisiana rates (the worst). He definitely won't decide to move. He made it clear when he visited that he didn't want to live here. He knows I signed a year long lease. Also, I already filed a last will and testament back in Georgia before I left in case anything happened. I drafted it through my old firm, so thankfully almost everything would go to my parents. I hate waiting, but it gives me time to really save up for the next step. I can't wait to get my maiden name back!!

ScaryTime

Lunchbox1

mylifeismine

Many people have left toxic relationships to prevent harming
their children.

One example of harm from unhealthy dysfunctional relationships
can be seen here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/

Take 30 seconds and read some of the thread/post titles....