Can it work?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Can it work?
My ABF of 4 years and I have decided to talk and do things together but not live together. Right now he is not drinking, broke, and very depressed. He won't get help or go to meetings. He says he prefers that we live apart while he tries to put himself back together. I think us not living together is also the best plan as he isn't in any recovery program, and I cannot deal with the stress anymore. I hate to see him so down and defeated, but I know there is nothing I can do anymore. I've tried just about everything.
I'm wondering if anyone has or knows of anyone who has made it work like this, or am I just prolonging the inevitable disappointments?
I'm wondering if anyone has or knows of anyone who has made it work like this, or am I just prolonging the inevitable disappointments?
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this... not easy - but living apart can & should give you more clarity on what you need & value in a relationship.
That being said... in my opinion, the key aspect you mentioned:
“He won't get help or go to meetings.”
Based on my experience with my XAGF, that was the main reason I could no longer stay with her after 5 years. If they are not willing to get better, there’s nothing more you can do. How can this become a healthy relationship? Impossible, unless they get help... & that’s beyond your control.
That being said... in my opinion, the key aspect you mentioned:
“He won't get help or go to meetings.”
Based on my experience with my XAGF, that was the main reason I could no longer stay with her after 5 years. If they are not willing to get better, there’s nothing more you can do. How can this become a healthy relationship? Impossible, unless they get help... & that’s beyond your control.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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or am I just prolonging the inevitable disappointments?
It’s hard to ignore the fact that he won’t seek help.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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What I regretted was the time I wasted with an alcoholic incapable of having a real relationship. Yes, it hurts to break up but it's gonna happen anyway. Have you tried Alanon? The support was a lifesaver for me. Big hug.
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Living apart has given me clarity. I have peace now that I didn't have when we lived together. Honestly, I think I'm trying to get to a place of healing within myself to be able to let go completely. It hurts to see that he doesn't get that he needs help. However, I am done exhausting myself trying to "help" him, which hasn't helped obviously. And, I am really just wondering if he's still hanging on "just in case" with me. Time will tell I guess.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Codependy76: The question, is not... "if he's still hanging on "just in case" with me. Time will tell I guess..." The question is, "why are you hanging on?" It's such a powerful and emotional process. I'm so new to figuring all this out myself. I'm still only a month of NC & I understand the dilemma... it does hurt... and it is exhausting.
For me, it just comes down to one aspect: are they willing to do the work? It helped to even take out the addiction/alcoholism aspect... and ask once again: are they willing to do the work in this relationship? If the answer is no... it doesn't matter what the "issue" or addiction is. It's flat out... an unhealthy relationship that can't grow.
Interesting enough, I was listening to another great podcast today (podcasts help me a lot!)... "WTF with Marc Maron" interviewing Jane Fonda. She talks a few times about addiction... being in relationships with alcoholics & her battle with overcoming her own addictions (re: food). She talks a lot about authenticity & one powerful quote: "It's impossible to have a TRUE relationship as an addict of any kind. As long as you are an ACTIVE addict... you can't have a REAL relationship. Not a real one... not an authentic one... because you can never show up and be present! Because you always have this addiction that becomes the most important thing. Essentially you have to hide the addiction... also the lying... "
Anyhow it's what I needed to hear... again.
For me, it just comes down to one aspect: are they willing to do the work? It helped to even take out the addiction/alcoholism aspect... and ask once again: are they willing to do the work in this relationship? If the answer is no... it doesn't matter what the "issue" or addiction is. It's flat out... an unhealthy relationship that can't grow.
Interesting enough, I was listening to another great podcast today (podcasts help me a lot!)... "WTF with Marc Maron" interviewing Jane Fonda. She talks a few times about addiction... being in relationships with alcoholics & her battle with overcoming her own addictions (re: food). She talks a lot about authenticity & one powerful quote: "It's impossible to have a TRUE relationship as an addict of any kind. As long as you are an ACTIVE addict... you can't have a REAL relationship. Not a real one... not an authentic one... because you can never show up and be present! Because you always have this addiction that becomes the most important thing. Essentially you have to hide the addiction... also the lying... "
Anyhow it's what I needed to hear... again.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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LifeChangeNYC makes a great point, and it's something I'm still learning myself...you can't have a healthy, functioning relationship with an active addict. You will never come first, despite them telling you otherwise. The fact that he won't consider treatment is really telling. In order to put his life back together, he needs to deal with his addiction first. I spent two years telling my AH to please get help, but he always maintained it was never a problem and that he could quit whenever he wanted.
Now I'm where you are. He's depressed, broke, and alone. And I feel helpless because I can't help him anymore.
Help yourself first. Detach if you can. That's what's been working for me. Until he recognizes his problem and seeks recovery, a real relationship with him just isn't possible. I'm glad you're getting the clarity you need by being apart from him!
I'm still really new to all this too, but all I can say is that the best thing you can do right now is make yourself a priority. We can't change those who don't want to change for themselves.
Now I'm where you are. He's depressed, broke, and alone. And I feel helpless because I can't help him anymore.
Help yourself first. Detach if you can. That's what's been working for me. Until he recognizes his problem and seeks recovery, a real relationship with him just isn't possible. I'm glad you're getting the clarity you need by being apart from him!
I'm still really new to all this too, but all I can say is that the best thing you can do right now is make yourself a priority. We can't change those who don't want to change for themselves.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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It hurts to see that he doesn't get that he needs help.
actually he doesn't NEED to do anything. in your eyes (and probably most reasonable persons) might look at him and his current life state and agree that just ain't no way to live. but that is only the opinion of others. it is HIS life and he can live it just as miserably and badly as he chooses.
is there a better way? sure.
is he obligated to go that better way? nope.
we can have and hold opinions, about ourselves and about others. and in many cases, we probably aren't too far off the mark, and make a good point. BUT the only life we get to do anything about is our own.
actually he doesn't NEED to do anything. in your eyes (and probably most reasonable persons) might look at him and his current life state and agree that just ain't no way to live. but that is only the opinion of others. it is HIS life and he can live it just as miserably and badly as he chooses.
is there a better way? sure.
is he obligated to go that better way? nope.
we can have and hold opinions, about ourselves and about others. and in many cases, we probably aren't too far off the mark, and make a good point. BUT the only life we get to do anything about is our own.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Thank you for all of the responses. NYC~no, he isn't willing to do the eork, let alone acknowledge drinking is the root cause of his issues, or rather the mindsets that come with it, the selfishness and need for immediate gratification.
I'm going to do what I have to do for me at this point. I refuse to give him any help other than emotional support IF he ever decides to actively seek recovery. He is a grown man who can take care of himself. That is huge for me to be at this point. I am extremely codependent and working on my own issues with that.
I'm actually looking forward to and excited about being on my own. I've put a goal in future to move in the next four to five years, when the kids are all grown and in college, and buy my own home. I'm really looking forward to that. Thankfully I did have the ability to keep all if my finances seperate from him.
I'm going to do what I have to do for me at this point. I refuse to give him any help other than emotional support IF he ever decides to actively seek recovery. He is a grown man who can take care of himself. That is huge for me to be at this point. I am extremely codependent and working on my own issues with that.
I'm actually looking forward to and excited about being on my own. I've put a goal in future to move in the next four to five years, when the kids are all grown and in college, and buy my own home. I'm really looking forward to that. Thankfully I did have the ability to keep all if my finances seperate from him.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Codependy76: yes....... grab those dreams & hang on tight... go get that house! I dream of a plot of land upstate... I don't care if I live in a shack... I just want my own land. I'm learning just how important uncovering your dreams are... after years of ignoring them because of an addict.
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