Codependy76

I've already been up for hours trying to discern if my A ex also had a gambling problem, which them lead to reading about what I believe are his health issues associated with his drinking because I was trying to find something to send him that might jog his mind into understanding. When I realized what I was doing I just broke down sobbing wondering why our life here and the good times weren't enough.

Horrible thinking I know. I was going to skip church, but I read someone else's post saying to do something for yourself, so I'm going .

This is so hard. And it hurts so bad.

SparkleKitty

It is our codependency--our addiction--that keeps us focused on the addict instead of ourselves.

There are no magic words.

I repeat, there are no magic words.

There are no magic facts, no magic phrasings, no magic efforts that will change him one second before he is ready to change--and he may never be ready to change.

All the energy and thought and time you spend on him could be spent on yourself, where it might actually make a difference.

I know it's hard, and I know it hurts and I am so sorry you are in the middle of it. It will pass.

Katerina1072

Hugs!

In this last week I have often found myself doing the same. Thinking, then a ton of research. And then more research. Finally I stepped away from my desktop and realized how crazy it was. I know nothing I can tell him will make a difference. How pathetic was it that I was doing more research on his addiction and recovery than he'd ever done since he starting using a decade ago?

If it helps you to understand more about the addiction, read away, but only for yourself. None of the information you're reading is going to help him, nor will it help mine. The only thing it will do is educate us, yet at the same time get our wheels turning with ideas about what we might be able to do to make a difference. And the answer is nothing.

Enjoy your time at church. You deserve it!

trailmix

I hope you did go to church today and that being around other people helped a bit.

It's not enough for him because he doesn't want to be fixed, he wants to drink. That has exactly nothing to do with you, zero. He is an addict, not drinking at you, just drinking, it's what addicts do. He wants to be free to drink wherever and whenever he wants - and he is.

You are still in fix-it mode, but soon you will realize there is no "fixing", you spent a long time with him, is he all fixed? No. How many suggestions did you give him? How much support? How many words of wisdom and how many times did you allow him to come back in to your life after he bailed (because he does not want to be "fixed").

That is your answer.

Nothing wrong with educating yourself about addiction, that's important but to focus on it as a cure or help for him is a waste of time, truly. He is all grown up, if he wants help he knows what to do and where to go, he chooses not to, that really is his choice.

One thing to perhaps review is why you want to change him at all? He is who he is, whether that is good or bad in your view is kind of beside the point, he is entitled to be whomever he chooses and live his life how he chooses. It's important to respect that (yes, it is sometimes not easy).

So no, nothing wrong with studying alcoholism but what you may want to spend some of your time on is figuring out why you are doing that. Or better yet, study how to build yourself up. I'm thinking someone bolting for the door, among other things, has probably damaged your self esteem and self worth, those are things you could really probably use building up on.

A few suggested, a few threads ago, that you have a look at reading Codependent no more, did you ever get to read it? It's a good place to start. Changing your view about all of this will help you feel better.

So will taking care of yourself, looking out for yourself, spending time at the very least in happy pursuits like hobbies or talking to friends - whatever you like.

Hang in there, it will get better and the more focus you put back on yourself the better you will feel.

Amaranth

I totally understand that you spend time researching his condition. I do it too although I'm not exactly sure why because I know it won't help him. It may help me, make it easier for me to understand what happened but I really don't think so.

What I do know is that for every minute I spend obsessing over my husband, his condition and looking for that one magic word that will WAKE HIM UP, I force myself to spend equal number of minutes on myself.

The more time I spend on myself the easier it becomes. I think I'm now spending more time thinking about me and what I am doing rather than thinking about him.

When I am in a good space I write a list of things I can do when I need to distract myself from unhealthy overthinking about my husband. I am training my mind to go to more useful places.

It's hard at first but it does get easier. When I feel a mental spiral coming on I phone a friend, go out for a walk, pick up a project I am working on, cook some nice food. At first I had to force myself but it is getting easier.

I know that nothing I think, say or do will help my husband until he is ready to be helped. I also know that when he is ready to ask for help, he won't come looking for me.

I'm really sorry you are going through this but it does get easier.

trailmix

Those are really solid suggestions there Amaranth, well worth trying!

One other thing to try and this is easy, every time you find yourself spiraling, stand up. If you are sitting in front of the computer researching etc, just stand up and walk away. You don't actually have to have a destination! Go grab some coffee, water, go wash your face. Dance, recite a poem or nursery rhyme or some simple song (or hey, complicated song if you like!), this can help to change your focus immediately.

LifeChangeNYC

Codependy76: I'm far from a religious man but I do feel your immense pain... & because of that... church probably is a great idea. Anything that will put your focus on something else, however long that may be... would be a very healthy escape.

Perhaps you updated your previous posts, but where do things stand now? Hope you don't mind that I'm asking... he moved out & have you been in contact or NC? Perhaps today isn't the right day but the reason I ask, if I was still at my ex's apartment that we shared - 100% I'd be in a very similar head space. I'd probably be crying & trying to control her drinking/addictions. I went through so many years of trying to analyze, control, study, understand, find solutions for HER addictions. I was in a constant state of panic, anxiety & worry. One problem was that she never left our apartment... I couldn't escape her 24/7 drinking & I began to go crazy.

Point being, I read your words & I'm instantly brought back to the anxiety of trying to control the addiction. Even earlier today I began to worry about my ex... wondering if she's OK, how much she's drinking... if she's sad... etc etc. I stopped, took a breath & continued onto something else to keep my mind busy.

Moving out & keeping busy has been the only saving grace for me. Caring for animals has also helped along with listening to a lot of podcasts.

Question: what do you love or once loved to do, Codependy76?

Codependy76

The current status is he is gone. I feel like a fool, but I broke down and text him .He didn't respond, but I expected that.

I have been really down all day. I broke down and sobbed a little bit ago. My emotions are all over the board and my mind won't quit. Thinking of him sitting in the hotel room with no open windows drinking and watching TV makes me hurt .It is beautiful outside here today. When things were good, we would have been grilling, taking walks, maybe some yard work. I can't give myself permission to do these things and enjoy them while he's in such a horrible state. Now, let me say that rationally I know that is insane. He has chosen to do what he's doing, and maybe that makes him happy. So why can't I be happy too?
I dindo have the luxury of leaving our home like he did, so everything here reminds me of us. I truly wish I could go into people addiction rehab for months of constant therapy and help so I can detox, but it doesn't worj that way for us. I have to work, parent, pay bills, and carry on. I really don't even want to get out of bed, but I do fir everyone else .

trailmix

Just one day at a time codependy. Yes, a rehab for people who are leaving dysfunctional relationships would be marvelous. There are retreats of course but they are expensive and as you said, you have responsibilities.

It's a beautiful day out, why not go out and walk for half an hour. It probably will not be fun at all - and you will probably have to actually force yourself to do it. It may well help clear your mind a bit and make you feel a little better. Just put your shoes on and go. Walk 15 minutes one way and then back.

Bernadette

Thinking of him sitting in the hotel room with no open windows drinking and watching TV makes me hurt .It is beautiful outside here today.

Thinking of YOU sitting in your house obsessing over him and his drinking makes me hurt!! Sending you lots of (((((hugs)))) and encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

There is a lot of mourning and grief after the end of a love relationship - it takes its own time and has its own phases that you have to trust...with time and work you can sort out the codie thought patterns and things will get brighter for you.

Do you go to AlAnon or any other support groups? AlAnon is what finally gave me some tools to turn my head around.
Peace,
B.

Codependy76

I did an online Al Anon meeting today as the only in person one I couldn't make it to. I definitely need more time in those I think, as it didn't show me anything new yet .

Seren

Codependy, I'm sorry you are in such pain.

But we can learn from our pain and grow. It doesn't feel like it now, and most of us would do anything to get through it faster or not have to go through it at all. But you will be OK...time just takes...time. Whenever a wave of that grief comes along, please come here and type it all out! It helps!

Awal

It is his choice to sit in a hotel room drinking. Its your choice not to do that. You want to live a normal life. He doesn't. My AH sits staring at the TV most of the day...its like he has given up on life. Well l haven't given up on life...l go out and socialise without an ounce of guilt because l know he wouldn't want to be there with me. I always ask if he wants to do things..always get a no...so l go ahead and either do it alone or find a friend to come along. You need to think of it as his preference, just as someone choses a different meal in a restaurant.
Its sad l know but who are we to tell another individual what to do with their life? Allow him his own control and get on with doing things for yourself..he can always join in if he so wishes x

PeacefulWater12

Codependy, hope you are taking good care of you.

Thanks for all the awesome sharing in this thread. I have got so much from it.

PeacefulWater12

I would just like to throw a thought into the discussion, when my drinking was active, I totally LOVED feeling sorry for myself. An enormous pity party along with a load of booze was my idea of heaven. Drinking and wailing and wallowing about how awful life is was a treat.

I didn't want to go out and do anything to help myself or certainly nothing positive or mix with normal people who would expect an adult conversation from me.

Sitting at home wallowing and getting hammered was my favourite thing to do. Especially if I had a willing partner to moan and complain with. (ie enable me)

My point being that to non-alkies, what alkies do is kind of backwards to what normies do for fun.

So it may appear an A is having a miserable life but are they?

It is only when alcohol stopped working for me that I became genuinely miserable. That was when I sought quitting.

When the alcohol worked, I enjoyed the misery.

Codependy76

Thank you for the perspective from "the other side". I hadn't thought of it that way. It makes sense. It must be doing something for him that he enjoys.

trailmix

Thanks for sharing that PeacefulWater, that's a really interesting perspective. A lot of things that "normies" think and do are backward to what an alcoholic would do, so I guess this is another one to add to the list in many cases!

Piperdream

Codependy - I think we are both very much stuck in the same "phase" or situation. I too, spend more time thinking and trying to control his drinking that he does. I find myself agonizing with the image in my head of my AH all alone, in a hotel room (he is away for work for weeks at a time) drinking and feeling sorry for himself. I am probably as miserable, if not more.

But my mind won't quit. I am obsessed with trying to change someone who doesn't quite want to be changed; but also who can't quite take care of himself. So it's mind numbing how much energy I spend on my AH day and night.

At the end of the day, you are the caretaker, paying the bills and taking care of your family when he can just drop from the face of the earth with no consideration of what you are going through.

I hope that in a few weeks, months from now we can both be in a better place. But it's a small gain when you can do something for yourself. You went to church. I came to see my family even though he kept asking me stay to "work on things" and was trying to make me feel guilty for following through with plans I made BEFORE he came home.

trailmix

And there is the hook.

In fact it's not that he kinda sorta doesn't want to be changed, he does not want to change period.

You have clearly explained to him where you stand and he's not at detox or rehab, he's sitting at home drinking. That is not a person who wants to change.

The second part, that he can't quite take care of himself, well actually he can, he's doing it right now, he goes to other countries alone for weeks on end and he manages just fine. Even when he finished work, was it last week and decided to just disappear, he managed to eat (and drink) and function quite well.

You don't need to look after him and in fact you shouldn't, it serves no one and especially not you. You are hurting yourself.

The key is to focus ON yourself, not him, take care of your feelings and your life and your hurt and your self-esteem and what you want, you are very much worth it!