Codependy76

I've been with my AH bf for 4 1/2 years. In that time he's left me 14 times now. I knew he had a drinking problem when I started dating him, but I didn't have a clue what alcoholism really is, what it does, and what I couldn't do. I thought I could fix him. I started drinking too to make it "ok" that he did, I tried to give him everything he said he ever wanted out of life, and the alcohol won over me every time. I've read all of the codependent books by now, read countless boards and posts, all looking for something, anything that would make it get better.

And I guess it worked in that I got smarter and less tolerant. I think I'm the only person to ever tell him he's an alcoholic, though he's lost jobs, is always broke and lives now in a hotel, which he has before too.

I mistakenly thought I could love him enough to help him. But he doesn't want help. He doesn't think his drinking is that bad, it's only beer, I'm controlling him, and on and on. I see his health is declining, but he always has an excuse.

I used to believe him when he blamed me for everything wrong in his life. I stopped doing that too and wouldn't accept it anymore.

Our last conversation today was that he was going to work on himself and get himself right. When I brought up alcohol, he told me he'd hit rock bottom before. I asked why he was still drinking then .He's 40, barely anything but the clothes on his back, though he makes good money, and lives in a hotel, but he still didn't want to see everything this horrible disease has robbed him of and that it isn't going to stop. I told him I love him, he's a great, sweet loving man, and if he ever gets to a point where he wants to get real help, I'll be there for him. And he said it was goodbye, and that was it.

​​​​​I'm so sad. It is painful to see someone you love throw away so much. And it hurts to know it'll probably only get worse for him. I know I need to move on and heal and fix myself. Right now, I just hurt.

Leelee168

Codependy,

I'm sorry; it does hurt. I wish I could say something that will make you feel better, but I understand what and how you are thinking. All I can tell you is that you took an important first step and that's your beginning point.
Please give yourself the same attention that you give to him and take care of yourself.

AnvilheadII

14 times? AND you kept count? so 4.5 years equals 54 months, 14 breakups averages every 3.85 months.

how utterly exhausting. and stressful and sad. at least the first five or so...after that the come here/go away, now you see/now you don't became the pattern of your relationship, the new normal.

except it ain't right and it ain't normal.

I tried to give him everything he said he ever wanted out of life
we can't buy love. nor are we here to fulfill anyone else's dreams, hopes or wishes except OUR OWN.

now is your time. be officially done. re-examine the story to find out where you turned left instead of right. learn and grow.

Codependy76

I'm not sure I even know what normal is anymore. And after 14 times, it's hard to accept it's finally over, except he took all of his things this time and said, when not arguing, that it's done. I always been him to come back. I know I can't this time. But I can't wrap my heart around the fact that this isn't fixable. My head gets it, my heart doesn't yet. Thus the hurt.

AnvilheadII

pretty much a rule with relationships.....one break up, early on, is acceptable. people are still feeling each other, not quite sure, etc. but.....any breakups after that strongly indicate it's over before it ever really got started.

don't leave the decision to be done up to HIM. that gives him power over you. power to leave, return x 14. do you REALLY want to do this all over again?

Sasha1972

^^^ I agree with anvilhead II - if you want this to be done, you've got the power to bring this whole thing to an end and move on to a better life.

I'm having trouble squaring "he's left me 14 times" with "he's a great, sweet, loving man". Sweet loving people don't keep dumping their significant others. People who act sweet and loving when they feel like it, maybe. But not people who truly are kind and caring.

LifeChangeNYC

Codependy76: I'm very new here, but my heart broke for you tonight. I don't have the answers & many others will have better advice than I... but you definitely gave it your all... everything you had to make it work... just shows how powerful & tragic addiction is. Heartbreaking to acknowledge/comprehend all this (especially when you're trying so hard to find solutions). I'm still in shock over my experiences. It's not easy.

Our experiences differ in that I was the one to finally leave - but I certainly did everything in my power (like you) to try & control things beyond my control. I was very codependent in the relationship. I'm only on my 8th day of NC after leaving my alcoholic girlfriend of 5 years. I walked completely out of her life, 5 times (but would then return). My alcoholic ex would also try to break up with me every few months, usually the morning after one of her heavy drunken nights/very heated arguments... for ex: a few weeks ago, we fought over a simple misunderstanding. We argued all night, as usual. In the AM I then left for a doc appointment & on the subway, gathered my thoughts. I tried to use "logic" to figure out why things always turn so volatile & extreme? (I know now, logic can be thrown out the window).

Upon my return, she gave me a "break-up" letter written (re: you were the love of my life... my hero... we had a future together...) like a five year old & included a framed photo of herself to "remember her by"? It was so ego-driven. Of course, she was in our bedroom drinking. I opened the door & said, OK I'm leaving... then, she proceeded to yell at me for "deserting her"... being "failure at commitment"... etc. Remember, this is right after I returned home to find HER breakup letter!??

So, based on my experiences... there's no logic, rational thinking or reasoning behind how "active addicts" respond or treat their significant other/partner. It's not fair but as AnvilheadII suggested... don't leave the decision up to him. It's up to you. Step back, cry... & breathe... whatever you need... re-evaluate and demand (in your own mind/heart) a better life for yourself and your self-worth! You deserve a loving, peaceful life and relationship. Not this hellish rollercoaster that doesn't stop and is ultimately controlled by the chaos of addiction.

I wish you the very best... there is hope & I'm slowly getting there myself.

trailmix

Hi Codependy, so sorry to hear that you are in pain, it hurts, even when it is terrible for you to be in the relationship.

Imagine if you put all the energy that you have spent in to your own life. The hours you have spent worrying and crying and thinking of ways you might "help" him. I hope you will be able to take the time to really look after yourself, think about what you would like and how you can achieve that.

If you think about it, he left 14 times! That's appalling. You deserve so much better, to be treated with respect.

Hang in there, be kind to yourself, it will be rough for a few days but you will start to feel progressively better, you won't always feel this way.

amy55

Hi Codependy,

I hope you don't mind if I am totally blunt here? I don't think you are totally done. I read your post several times and most of it is about him and not you.

I know that you are hurting right now and I don't want to add to that.

I went through the breakups many more times than you did, and I kept thinking that this time he really meant it when he said he loved me.

I could be wrong, but this is all based on my own experiences, I think you are trying to deal with him telling you that this is definitely over and you are trying to get yourself in the mindset for that.

If that is the case, then do it. Go no contact. It's something that I didn't do, which I wish so many times that I did.

I'm going to let you in on something. All relationships crave an emotional connection, when you go through that many breakups in that short period of time, there is no emotional connection, and this is something that you are craving. I also want you to know that it is normal to want to feel an emotional connection in a relationship, it just something some people, whether they are an alcoholic or not can't handle, and they tend to blame you for all the faults the relationship isn't working.

My suggestion for you at this time is to go "no contact", take care of yourself, get out there with your friends.

((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy

NoAnotherRound

It dawned on me the other day that narcissism and alcoholism has a lot in common. I googled it and I was right. Also a lot of alcoholics can cover their narcissism with the drink. People think it’s just the drink.
When I read your post I felt there was some red flags of the narc.
Anyway might be worth looking it up.
I think our biggest mistakes with these people is to think we can love them better.
But you could love them for a million years and if they can’t help themselves nothing will ever change.
There comes a point when you have to really consider the damage they are doing to you. You seem like a caring and empathic person who deserves much more than breadcrumbs. And that’s all these people can give you while they are so in love with the drink.
Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away. If they can’t motivate themselves to clean up their act to get you back then they never will.

FallenAngelina

I'm a sweet, loving, kind person and I dumped my XABF about 14 times, too. The break up-make up pattern is indeed indicative of a very troubled relationship, but people don't get into the cycle because they are uncaring and unloving, they get into it because they are crippled by painful, habitual, reactive thinking. I'm a smart cookie, an entrepreneur, run my own company and have wonderful community friendships, but when it comes to romantic involvement I have been a jelly fish lost at sea. Hence, my decision a year in with XABF to check out AlAnon. AlAnon and AA are full of loving, caring people who are not complete jerks but have struggled mightily with intimacy. The break up-make up cycle always involves two people who actively participate in a fear-of-intimacy struggle, not one that is unloving and one that is loving. Both are loving, there's just an awful lot of fear bouncing around, as well. Hence, the push-pull. The cycle always takes two participants and usually both are extremely invested with love and caring.

Codependy76, I encourage you to take to heart what a few have said about making your own changes and making the choice whether you want this as your life or not. That is an enormously empowering choice and one that is not dependent upon him at all. Choosing what and who we want in our lives is mind blowing for someone who was raised to accommodate and make nice with others at all cost. If you sit quietly and really think about efforts to "keep the peace," it likely is based on a great fear and this drama plays out before you again and again. The break up-make up cycle is a struggle with closeness, which both of you have come to mistrust. Getting somewhere with that struggle will not happen by working on things with the other person, whether you're together as a couple or not. Getting better, feeling better, doing better can only happen when we each work on ourselves and allow the other person to do the same or not. The break up-make up cycle is a terribly painful way to live, but it is indicative that somewhere inside, you really do want intimacy - you just are very fearful of it and don't know how to get stable with it. It's not about our ABFs being jerks, it's about our own internal struggle with closeness.

As always, take what works for you and leave the rest, but this is my experience with having had a relationship that broke up countless times. No matter who is initiating the break ups and make ups, both are participating and only each individual can do his or her own internal work if there is to be change. Hoping that things will be different this time is really just an expectation that someone else can do your work for you and that is never the case. You can change things to be free of this cycle, but you are the one who must make the changes. That much, I know to be certain.

Codependy76

Thank you .I'm so sorry that you're going through this as well. I'm trying to remember all of the bad times and not glorify the good times. I KNOW the right thing to do is to move on. It's all very fresh and raw right now.

I guess what I struggle with is that I can be rational and I see what alcoholism has done, is doing, and will do to him. He does not, or will not admit it. As I'm typing this I'm thinking that it's probably obvious to everyone else what codependency has done, is doing, and will continue to do to me, but I don't get it. Well that just smacked me in the face. I guess I should get off my soapbox and take my own advice to get help and into recovery. And, I see now why that doesn't sound appealing to someone. It sounds like constant hard work and self reflection that sounds painful and hard. Crap. But the alternative is a lifetime of this, hurting and rollercoasters.

Seren

Hello Codependy,

I'm sorry to read you are struggling. Please come here any time you need to in order to work through all of this. It's not easy...but so worthwhile!

You deserve to be happy with someone who has your best interests at heart. That man simply does not and cannot have your best interests at heart.

Hang in there! Things will get better!

FallenAngelina

Without recovery or some such significant internal advancement, we might toss one guy overboard but just find another who brings out the same painful stuff. Or we can be with nobody, avoiding the whole conundrum altogether. If we want to experience loving, peaceful and supportive intimate relationships, we must do the work. We must become the kind of partners we desire.

Two years into recovery, I will tell you that the process can indeed be painful and hard, but it is easy peasy compared to being in a break up-make up relationship. Also, a program like AlAnon is set up so that we do not go on this adventure alone. In fact, an essential aspect of recovery is that we first and foremost choose to walk out from under our isolated shame and into the light of a fellowship with others. You will not be alone if you choose recovery, you will come to be surrounded by fellow travelers, new friends, a trusted sponsor and the community of all who have come before you.* Recovery is meant to happen in community, not alone, and amid your work and challenges, you'll also find healthy, truly loving relationships that will contribute to your transformation into the kind of person who is available for a healthy, stable and truly loving partnership.


*The 12 Steps are written in third person. We came to believe, we made a decision, we sought, we continued, etc. The 12 Steps are not only foundational principles, they are guidance from the voices of all who have come before us, all of the people who have chosen to make changes for the better and have made the world a better place. Recovery always happens in community.

Codependy76

I truly appreciate your insight on the make/up break up pattern and that it doesn't make someone a bad person. My addict isn't a bad person, he's an addict. I've seen him in every form, and I know he has a good heart, but he's sick and has very distorted ways of thinking. I don't want to vilanize him. I do recognize that the pattern is unhealthy. But it took two to do it.

trailmix

It did take two, but don't be too hard on yourself.

Dealing with someone with alcoholism is not easy, whether it's a family member, friend or someone you are in a relationship with.

No, alcoholics are not demons or monsters, they are just humans with a huge burden. That said, anytime you add a mind altering drug in to the mix of any relationship it can be incredibly confusing. You mention that he has a good heart and I'm sure that's true, but at this point he is totally unreliable and that is a bad thing for you.

You will be fine, this will pass and you will be happy and joyful again, but it may hurt for a while. I hope, even if he does try to contact you that you can continue to look after yourself and not fall back in to that pattern.

I totally agree with Anvilhead on this point:

This just makes sense. There can be one mistake, we ALL make mistakes. After that - get in your car and drive away and chalk that one up to experience.

NYCDoglvr

Understand that alcoholism is progressive and his drinking will get worse. Nobody can fix it but him and he doesn't want to. Alanon taught me a lot, especially that what I called love was really need.

Soseking75

Codependy 76... I'm new here. But reading your story hit me hard. I just got dumped by my boyfriend a second time and it hurts like hell. I can only imagine what it feels like after 14 times! A saint you are for dealing with him time and time again!

It is very difficult to give up on someone you love. I'm having those hardships now. I want him back. He is planning to get help and now I won't know if he does since he's cut me out. I pray your ex will see the light and seek help. We want so badly to help them knowing all we can do is support them but they have to do the hard part. They have to want to get sober.. and stay that way!

Letting go is very hard... Im trying too but right now all I want to do is run to him and tell him I love him and to not push me out of his life. Having a huge heart isn't a crime.... it's just hard on ourselves to know we'd do anything but they won't. I've cried for three days now. It's not any easier. You will hurt. Scream, shout, do whatever to get it out. I will pray for you. Loving someone shouldn't hurt this much.

joey8262

an alcoholic will drink regardless of consequences or repercussions, you could probably hold a gun to his head and he'd still pick the drink-you need to think about you and your health-physical AND mental-he won't snap until he snaps, that's not in a violent way-he could simply sit on the edge of the bed and break down-i did.

put YOU first and give him a make or break timescale-don't leave it at "if you ever" because you're holding yourself open to years of maybes and false promises-let HIM find HIS feet and come looking for YOU-sober.