Relapse
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 26
Relapse
I haven't been on the forum in over a year ... maybe it's been even more. I decided to reach out as part of my self-care ... a way of reminding myself how far I've come.
My ex and I were together for 6 years. I finally broke it off for good, about two months ago. Even though he's been sober for the past year and a half, he's been hanging on by his fingernails - no support, limited progress and I was always left with the impression that he was hiding something. I realized that I wanted space to simply focus on myself and move away from the negativity ...
I have been going to counselling, getting myself back into shape, investing myself more and more in a full and happy life for myself and my children (he is not their father). When we broke up, we made the decision to stay in contact and remain friends. Regardless of the up's and down's over the years, we were always able to maintain a great amount of love for each other and we have always valued each other as friends.
Today, he phoned to catch up, we hadn't spoken in over a week, and I realized immediately that he had relapsed. I didn't feel angry, I actually brought it up in the conversation and simply told him that I knew. That I wasn't interested in any secrets and that it was obvious to me that he had relapsed. I then got off the phone.
Right now, I am so profoundly grateful: for the fact that I didn't jump into saviour mode, that I recognize this decision as being his own and that he has a right to his own path. I am grateful that we are apart and I don't have to witness the self-destruction and what it might do to him this time around. I am grateful that my heart is healing and that I can see so many beautiful things in my own life. I am profoundly grateful for my children, for my health, for my family. I am grateful that I am physically free from this absolutely catastrophic situation.
And yet, my heart is shattered and I am so profoundly sad. I'll talk to a friend, I'll eat well today, I'll go for a walk in the sunshine. But there is still a part of me that feels devastated by his decision, by the harm that is already being caused to him and to all those that love him. If I'm missing anything on my own personal path to recovering from life with an alcoholic, please point me in the right direction. Apart from that, I am simply asking for some support, for kind words that can help to heal a very, very broken heart.
Thank you. As always, I am so very, very grateful for this group.
My ex and I were together for 6 years. I finally broke it off for good, about two months ago. Even though he's been sober for the past year and a half, he's been hanging on by his fingernails - no support, limited progress and I was always left with the impression that he was hiding something. I realized that I wanted space to simply focus on myself and move away from the negativity ...
I have been going to counselling, getting myself back into shape, investing myself more and more in a full and happy life for myself and my children (he is not their father). When we broke up, we made the decision to stay in contact and remain friends. Regardless of the up's and down's over the years, we were always able to maintain a great amount of love for each other and we have always valued each other as friends.
Today, he phoned to catch up, we hadn't spoken in over a week, and I realized immediately that he had relapsed. I didn't feel angry, I actually brought it up in the conversation and simply told him that I knew. That I wasn't interested in any secrets and that it was obvious to me that he had relapsed. I then got off the phone.
Right now, I am so profoundly grateful: for the fact that I didn't jump into saviour mode, that I recognize this decision as being his own and that he has a right to his own path. I am grateful that we are apart and I don't have to witness the self-destruction and what it might do to him this time around. I am grateful that my heart is healing and that I can see so many beautiful things in my own life. I am profoundly grateful for my children, for my health, for my family. I am grateful that I am physically free from this absolutely catastrophic situation.
And yet, my heart is shattered and I am so profoundly sad. I'll talk to a friend, I'll eat well today, I'll go for a walk in the sunshine. But there is still a part of me that feels devastated by his decision, by the harm that is already being caused to him and to all those that love him. If I'm missing anything on my own personal path to recovering from life with an alcoholic, please point me in the right direction. Apart from that, I am simply asking for some support, for kind words that can help to heal a very, very broken heart.
Thank you. As always, I am so very, very grateful for this group.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
*hugs* for you Rosie.
Thank you for sharing, I needed to read your post today. I have also recently heard news about my AXH that has me feeling sad and scared for him. We aren't in contact and it isn't my business, I know this. BUT he is the father of my grown children and my codie demons started screaming at me as soon as I heard about the "situation". I started thinking of all the ways I could try to "help" or "fix" things for my kids, for their dad, even his girlfriend (whom I have no love for)... I was aware of what was happening in my codependent brain , I knew I shouldn't and WON'T act on those codependent feelings... but they slammed into me pretty darn hard, that hasn't happened in a long time, it has me a bit anxious to say the least. I'm having a hard time not worrying about the things I know I can not control.(Mostly the future tripping about how my kids will handle things if something really bad happens) I will have to find things to do that will keep my mind off the things that aren't mine to be concerned about. *sigh*
It isn't my circus, and they aren't my monkeys. I know better so I am doing better then I once would have... but damn, it just hurts so much to know that alcoholism is still ripping apart the man I loved and raised a family with.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you Rosie, I don't, but I absolutely, positively understand what you are going through.
Thank you for sharing, I needed to read your post today. I have also recently heard news about my AXH that has me feeling sad and scared for him. We aren't in contact and it isn't my business, I know this. BUT he is the father of my grown children and my codie demons started screaming at me as soon as I heard about the "situation". I started thinking of all the ways I could try to "help" or "fix" things for my kids, for their dad, even his girlfriend (whom I have no love for)... I was aware of what was happening in my codependent brain , I knew I shouldn't and WON'T act on those codependent feelings... but they slammed into me pretty darn hard, that hasn't happened in a long time, it has me a bit anxious to say the least. I'm having a hard time not worrying about the things I know I can not control.(Mostly the future tripping about how my kids will handle things if something really bad happens) I will have to find things to do that will keep my mind off the things that aren't mine to be concerned about. *sigh*
It isn't my circus, and they aren't my monkeys. I know better so I am doing better then I once would have... but damn, it just hurts so much to know that alcoholism is still ripping apart the man I loved and raised a family with.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you Rosie, I don't, but I absolutely, positively understand what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
If love could get them /us (triple winner here) into full recovery we wouldn't need this forum.
It sounds like you have made huge steps towards healing.
I hope you and your kids continue to thrive and that he finds his way back from the alcohol abyss and into sobriety and peace..
It sounds like you have made huge steps towards healing.
I hope you and your kids continue to thrive and that he finds his way back from the alcohol abyss and into sobriety and peace..
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