struggling to maintain detachment and plan ahead
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
I really appreciate all the replies. I really do understand how his irate objection to the soberlink testing is alkie thinking and naturally, the question becomes how do you know if he's sober when with the kids? I guess I won't try to rationalize all the reasons here at this time on why I'm removing the soberlink testing request, but I totally get how this seems like an issue with an obvious answer - just do the testing.
I guess the truth is I'm not totally emotionally detached from him, but I can say this process of detachment is happening for me in slow motion. I detach every day in some small way. I still carry lots of guilt - about leaving him when he has a significant pain condition, after 20 years together, leaving him alone - but I am working slowly through each of these areas. I am also not detached in that I still feel that I cannot tolerate his anger/disgust/disapproval/dislike and this is something I can acknowledge as part of my co-dependency or some other character defect that I need to work out.
Anyway, bottom line is that I felt/feel that giving in on the soberlink test request would allow us to work together on other issues, and it has been a tremendous relief of tension between us. In our agreement (yet to be signed) it does stipulate no alcohol use 12 hours before a visit or during a visit by the children. Because it will be filed and ordered by the court, I do feel that if this rule gets broken, I can go back and request the soberlink testing. It will be more difficult than having the test requirement up front, but I am willing to approach it this way.
Thank you for each and every reply to this. Each one has made me do what Al-anon teaches us to do - look back at ourselves to determine how and where we need to change. I can see that I have a lot of work to do - being able to tolerate disapproval and anger in others, being afraid of being assertive, among others.
May we all find the courage to change the things we can.
I guess the truth is I'm not totally emotionally detached from him, but I can say this process of detachment is happening for me in slow motion. I detach every day in some small way. I still carry lots of guilt - about leaving him when he has a significant pain condition, after 20 years together, leaving him alone - but I am working slowly through each of these areas. I am also not detached in that I still feel that I cannot tolerate his anger/disgust/disapproval/dislike and this is something I can acknowledge as part of my co-dependency or some other character defect that I need to work out.
Anyway, bottom line is that I felt/feel that giving in on the soberlink test request would allow us to work together on other issues, and it has been a tremendous relief of tension between us. In our agreement (yet to be signed) it does stipulate no alcohol use 12 hours before a visit or during a visit by the children. Because it will be filed and ordered by the court, I do feel that if this rule gets broken, I can go back and request the soberlink testing. It will be more difficult than having the test requirement up front, but I am willing to approach it this way.
Thank you for each and every reply to this. Each one has made me do what Al-anon teaches us to do - look back at ourselves to determine how and where we need to change. I can see that I have a lot of work to do - being able to tolerate disapproval and anger in others, being afraid of being assertive, among others.
May we all find the courage to change the things we can.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by PerSe 
After 20 years with my AH I am finding it so hard to maintain the emotional detachment that I really need to have during this divorce process. It's turned so messy (at least as I am perceiving it). It would be so easy to go back to saying okay let's just put this divorce off, then go back to status quo. I am just feeling like I am not strong enough to do all this.
AH got SO ANGRY when he found out I would be requesting soberlink testing. SO ANGRY. To be clear, he has never been physically abusive but I can't even tell you how much I dread his anger. He said he would also be hiring an attorney and would spend anything it took to fight me on that. (like we even have all that much to spend!) He would agree to the custody request (that I have full custody for the first year with 2x week visits & every other weekend, but no overnights), would voluntarily "give" me child support. He would sign a formal legal statement that he would not drink the night before having the boys or when they are with him. But no sobriety tests. He feels it would be an insult to his integrity and that the boys would lose respect for him. Truth is, he does not drink every day and he does not drive while drinking with the boys. I caved and said okay I'll not request the soberlink testing. And suddenly we were able to start talking about how we could work all this out.
I'm not too hung up on the soberlink because it really is only a temporary thing and I do think he can keep his word about not drinking with the boys with him. But wow do things feel muddy now... he wants for just us to work out this divorce thing, no lawyers, no courts.. he will be glad to pay me child/spousal support for a while and he's okay with me having full custody for the first year.. but I just think it's all based on how he feels right now and so it could change if I didn't have the legal backing of the court orders. I don't know.
I'm meeting with my attorney again this week. I feel so incredibly lost. It was almost better when we were completely at odds. I put in an application and deposit on an apartment - he agreed to also sign on the lease (they don't do co-signs only co-leases) or I wouldn't have been able to qualify for the apartment (I could if I had the court ordered child/spousal support).
Oh wow, I'm just going to stop here. Thank you so much if you've read this and for any thoughts or similar experiences.
AH got SO ANGRY when he found out I would be requesting soberlink testing. SO ANGRY. To be clear, he has never been physically abusive but I can't even tell you how much I dread his anger. He said he would also be hiring an attorney and would spend anything it took to fight me on that. (like we even have all that much to spend!) He would agree to the custody request (that I have full custody for the first year with 2x week visits & every other weekend, but no overnights), would voluntarily "give" me child support. He would sign a formal legal statement that he would not drink the night before having the boys or when they are with him. But no sobriety tests. He feels it would be an insult to his integrity and that the boys would lose respect for him. Truth is, he does not drink every day and he does not drive while drinking with the boys. I caved and said okay I'll not request the soberlink testing. And suddenly we were able to start talking about how we could work all this out.
I'm not too hung up on the soberlink because it really is only a temporary thing and I do think he can keep his word about not drinking with the boys with him. But wow do things feel muddy now... he wants for just us to work out this divorce thing, no lawyers, no courts.. he will be glad to pay me child/spousal support for a while and he's okay with me having full custody for the first year.. but I just think it's all based on how he feels right now and so it could change if I didn't have the legal backing of the court orders. I don't know.
I'm meeting with my attorney again this week. I feel so incredibly lost. It was almost better when we were completely at odds. I put in an application and deposit on an apartment - he agreed to also sign on the lease (they don't do co-signs only co-leases) or I wouldn't have been able to qualify for the apartment (I could if I had the court ordered child/spousal support).
Oh wow, I'm just going to stop here. Thank you so much if you've read this and for any thoughts or similar experiences.
I know he seems more reasonable now but I think you should have a lawyer involved to cover yourself and the children. When the D goes through there is nothing to say his A wont get much worse and then you will not be in a position to negotiate. Tread carefully.
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Posts: 821
Originally Posted by PerSe
...I still feel that I cannot tolerate his anger/disgust/disapproval/dislike and this is something I can acknowledge as part of my co-dependency or some other character defect that I need to work out......
Thank you for each and every reply to this. Each one has made me do what Al-anon teaches us to do - look back at ourselves to determine how and where we need to change. I can see that I have a lot of work to do - being able to tolerate disapproval and anger in others, being afraid of being assertive, among others.
Thank you for each and every reply to this. Each one has made me do what Al-anon teaches us to do - look back at ourselves to determine how and where we need to change. I can see that I have a lot of work to do - being able to tolerate disapproval and anger in others, being afraid of being assertive, among others.
"Thank you for your service to me. You may now truly rest in peace," is what I tell them.
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