Feeling lost, guilty, and fearful
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Piperdream, I felt extremely guilty when I filed for divorce. My XAH was a functional alcoholic, had a great job but never paid for anything either. He paid for half the mortgage payment, cable, electric etc but never for furniture , the patio and deck. Even when we finished the basement , he said “we” would paint it to save money but I ended up painting it and buying the paint and supplies while he sat at the bar in our newly finished basement and drink! Just time and time again stuff like that and his drinking EVERY weekend and days off to oblivion and his drunken horrible attitude, I had enough after 10 years with him. I actually was thinking about leaving him for years and finally did it and I will tell you, it was hard, it was not easy this past year but I can say now, it was well worth it. I am so glad to be out of that marriage and can’t believe I allowed myself to be treated poorly and regret staying as long as I did. I went no contact when the divorce was finalized last August and that helped a great deal. Marriage is a partnership, life is too short.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Thanks everyone. In the last couple of days, I have been reading the posts recommended on this thread. It's really been an eye opening experience. Stories posted 3 or 5 years ago presented the same feelings of guilt, defeat, etc. Your stories/responses have been a source of comfort and strength... thank you.
Michsm - thanks for sharing your story. I constantly go from feeling shame and guilt (for failing the marriage and thinking that I failed him, for not being able to stop his drinking and help alleviate his depression) to I have done what I could and I need to work on myself. That I deserve better. I know that I am not responsible for him. But I kept thinking, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health."
Out of an attempt to guilt me into staying or really feeling remorseful, he told me a while back that he was sorry and that I didn't deserve to be with an alcoholic; that he robbed of the best years of my life when I could have met someone else more stable and had the children that I wanted to have. I wonder why I have stayed in this relationship for so long. There were signs, red flags that I completely missed and/or ignored. I did text him a few days ago but have not received a response. I regret doing that but I still care for him and his well being. It's hard to let go but I am going no contact. I hope that I can remain strong in the next 6 months and stick to focusing on myself.
Shame and guilt are so pervasive even when I know in my head that I am not responsible for him or his drinking. Marriage is indeed a partnership. This has been never been one.
I am planning on a 2-3 week trip to Europe or Asia in the late fall. For when the divorce should be finalized. Hopefully it will only be 6 months since I just got started. But it's something I can look forward to and get busy planning for.
I am finding my way back and fighting to get back to my "old" self again. Thanks for listening and I am soooo glad to have this community along for the ride.
Michsm - thanks for sharing your story. I constantly go from feeling shame and guilt (for failing the marriage and thinking that I failed him, for not being able to stop his drinking and help alleviate his depression) to I have done what I could and I need to work on myself. That I deserve better. I know that I am not responsible for him. But I kept thinking, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health."
Out of an attempt to guilt me into staying or really feeling remorseful, he told me a while back that he was sorry and that I didn't deserve to be with an alcoholic; that he robbed of the best years of my life when I could have met someone else more stable and had the children that I wanted to have. I wonder why I have stayed in this relationship for so long. There were signs, red flags that I completely missed and/or ignored. I did text him a few days ago but have not received a response. I regret doing that but I still care for him and his well being. It's hard to let go but I am going no contact. I hope that I can remain strong in the next 6 months and stick to focusing on myself.
Shame and guilt are so pervasive even when I know in my head that I am not responsible for him or his drinking. Marriage is indeed a partnership. This has been never been one.
I am planning on a 2-3 week trip to Europe or Asia in the late fall. For when the divorce should be finalized. Hopefully it will only be 6 months since I just got started. But it's something I can look forward to and get busy planning for.
I am finding my way back and fighting to get back to my "old" self again. Thanks for listening and I am soooo glad to have this community along for the ride.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi piper, if you just keep doing 'the next right thing' for yourself, you will be fine!
Yes, but it doesn't go on to say - To throw myself under and emotional bus, to be all-suffering, to diminish who I am and what I believe, to sacrifice myself to the will of someone else, with disregard to my dignity and self-worth.
Yes, alcoholism doesn't really 'change'.
09-18-2001, 05:44 PM
for better or worse, in sickness and in health
Yes, alcoholism doesn't really 'change'.
09-18-2001, 05:44 PM
Originally Posted by peace&happiness 
Thank you for your reply. Twice in the last 5 years my husband said 'I'm an alcoholic' and last April, he said he thought he might need AA, but came up with some excuse to not go. Now, he is saying that all of his depression, and problems stem from work and me (the misunderstanding wife, ball and chain, etc.) Since April, he has just been drinking beer and wine. You know as well as I do, that there is no difference...it's still alcohol. He knows that if he verbally abuses me again, that he will have to leave. I told him, that it is not healthy for me and the girls(we have 3 daughters) to be subjected to that. So Sunday, Sept. 9, he told me that he would not drink again since it has caused so much problems in our marriage, and that it is not worth drinking. During the week's time that he wasn't drinking, I did notice that he was pale at times, his stomach was upset, and had something like anxiety attacks. He also told me that he didn't want to be around people, and that he felt 'broken'. Well, I knew that the week of sobriety wouldn't last...even though I know he meant it at the time, he started again tonight. When he called me on the phone I could tell before he told me that he is 'drinking beer and eating peanuts'. He has a attitude when he drinks, so that's how I could tell. I still responded nicely, but he is so unaffectionate, and so cold. This is hard for me to accept, because this man use to think I hung the moon. He made me feel so very special, and lack of affection is very difficult for me to get through. Somedays, like this rainy one in Illinois, I grieve for the loss of my 'real' husband. I miss him.
Jane
Jane
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 43
Yes, but it doesn't go on to say - To throw myself under and emotional bus, to be all-suffering, to diminish who I am and what I believe, to sacrifice myself to the will of someone else, with disregard to my dignity and self-worth.
This is so true! I have lost myself in this relationship and in my efforts to "rescue" him and us. Gave up a lot in that process. I can't accept that this is what my life was meant to look like. So I am changing my life! I am changing course. And I know I must stay strong to make it happen.
Jane's post is from 2001? It's the same story...different people, different time, but the same story...wow. Reality check.
This is so true! I have lost myself in this relationship and in my efforts to "rescue" him and us. Gave up a lot in that process. I can't accept that this is what my life was meant to look like. So I am changing my life! I am changing course. And I know I must stay strong to make it happen.
Jane's post is from 2001? It's the same story...different people, different time, but the same story...wow. Reality check.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Piperdream, I just want to say that I have been where you are, and you are doing the right thing, the only thing. We cannot save them, but we can save ourselves. I wish you the very best, and am glad you found this wonderful community so that you could reinforce what you already somehow knew, and gain the strength to take care of YOU.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Piperdream, Staying strong was a true test for me. I lost myself in the relationship as well. I have always been independent and considered myself strong but I was tested over this past year and it was not easy. It does get better but it will be a rollercoaster of emotions, at least for me it was and it took longer than I thought. I had a strong support system which helped a great deal. Keep posting and sharing your journey, we are here for you.
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