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Feeling Hopeless

Old 09-18-2001, 06:49 AM
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peace&happiness
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Unhappy Feeling Hopeless

Hi...
I'm a new member at Al-Anon. I've been married 16 years to a man I adore. Since I have been 'living the Al-Anon way', my husband is communicating with me less. He also seems more depressed. He told me a week ago that he wanted to stop drinking because he feels that it is causing a lot of problems in our marriage. He assured me that he wants to stop for him not for me. Last night, he ask me if it would bother me if he would have a glass of wine with dinner. I told him that it doesn't bother me that he has a glass of wine, however, I also told him that it concerns me that he wants a glass wine, when only a week ago, he had such strong convictions of putting drinking to a halt. I have been affectionate with him, I tell him everyday that I love him, and at this point, I share very little anxiety or negative feelings with him, because I know that he really cant handle it right now. So why do you think that he is MORE distant? MORE depressed? I really love him and we have 3 beautiful daughters. I don't want to lose him to this disease.

Jane
 
Old 09-18-2001, 12:07 PM
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Hi Jane, and welcome to the forum!
It's not really clear from your post what phase of recovery (or non-recovery) your husband is in. You can certainly expect a person who is withdrawing from a chemical, such as alchohol, to act abnormally. Withdrawal has uncomfortable physical and emotional effects. Some addicts even report a period of "grieving" over the loss of their "friend".
Has your husband gotten any support from outside your family, such as AA or counseling?
There are any number of reasons why he is acting distant. Unfortunately, we all have to kind of play it by ear. I know when I question the addict in my life he often gets defensive, but it's easier to ask him what's going on than to try to guess.
He could be going through a natural phase of recovery.
Keep posting and let us know what's going on with you.

Smoke
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Old 09-18-2001, 04:44 PM
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peace&happiness
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Thank you for your reply. Twice in the last 5 years my husband said 'I'm an alcoholic' and last April, he said he thought he might need AA, but came up with some excuse to not go. Now, he is saying that all of his depression, and problems stem from work and me (the misunderstanding wife, ball and chain, etc.) Since April, he has just been drinking beer and wine. You know as well as I do, that there is no difference...it's still alcohol. He knows that if he verbally abuses me again, that he will have to leave. I told him, that it is not healthy for me and the girls(we have 3 daughters) to be subjected to that. So Sunday, Sept. 9, he told me that he would not drink again since it has caused so much problems in our marriage, and that it is not worth drinking. During the week's time that he wasn't drinking, I did notice that he was pale at times, his stomach was upset, and had something like anxiety attacks. He also told me that he didn't want to be around people, and that he felt 'broken'. Well, I knew that the week of sobriety wouldn't last...even though I know he meant it at the time, he started again tonight. When he called me on the phone I could tell before he told me that he is 'drinking beer and eating peanuts'. He has a attitude when he drinks, so that's how I could tell. I still responded nicely, but he is so unaffectionate, and so cold. This is hard for me to accept, because this man use to think I hung the moon. He made me feel so very special, and lack of affection is very difficult for me to get through. Somedays, like this rainy one in Illinois, I grieve for the loss of my 'real' husband. I miss him.

Jane
 
Old 09-19-2001, 05:13 AM
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Your husband is a poster child for the need for support groups.
The sad part is that you can't make him go to AA. Are you attending al-anon? You say you're "living the al-anon way"... does that include going to meetings?
I relate to the personality change your husband goes through. It is obvious when the addict in my life is using, because he becomes belligerent and illogical, when ususally he is a kind and reasonable soul.
If you have made an ultimatum to your husband about verbal abuse or anything else, I urge you to stick to it. An addict will get by with everything they can.

Keep posting.

Smoke
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Old 09-19-2001, 11:31 AM
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Hi...
Yes, I'm an Al-Anon newcomer. I've been to 4 meetings, and I am healing somewhat. My husband does need support in the worse way. He has a lot of pride and the biggest ego. I'm afraid he views 'asking for help' as a sign of weakness. Right now I'm trying to get to the bottom of our financial situation, which is very hard because he is controlling it. Doing this, will be hard for him to accept, but I do have to know what is going on with OUR money. From what I can tell we are under financial stress, and he doesn't want me to know. So asking these questions and getting to the bottom of this could be very trying on him emotionally. If he doesn't let me be a part of this, I'm sure I will need legal help. This will be a threat to him. I'm sorry for that, but I'm looking out for our WHOLE family. I'm not trying to manipulate or control anything. I just want to be aware of what is jointly ours. (which is EVERYTHING)

jane
 
Old 09-19-2001, 03:43 PM
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Hi again.
I hope you are able to speak as plainly and logically to your husband as you have to us. What you want is very reasonable. But , OH, do I relate to how defensive an addict can become over a reasonable request, no matter how it's presented.

One of these candles is for you.

Smoke
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Old 09-20-2001, 03:58 PM
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Hi
My goal is: with the guidance of my 'higher power' I will have the courage to speak plainly, objectively, and especially without anger. This will take a lot of God given strength, because my personality is naturally forward, logical, and dominating. Which comes across as pushy, self-rightious, and bossy. I will need my 'Higher Power' and so far, in my life he has never, never, let me down. (I'm a cancer survivor too)This will be a very difficult weekend for me, and my husband. I hope he can handle it. I know that even though I don't know how I'll handle it, I will somehow, through a miracle. Any of you that are prayerful, please remember my family. Thank you.
Jane
 

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