CoffeeBuff

A sibling age 62 has been an active alcoholic and marijuana addict since high school. He had many opportunities given to him which he threw away. He has driven himself, his life and his whole family into the ground with drugs and alcohol. I have been in AA since 93' and I have been advised that no contact is the best way. But I am the oldest and I am becoming the caretaker so to speak for our mother and I need to keep appraised of the situation. She is wealthy and he thinks he is entitled to a piece of the pie now. He crosses boundaries, and has no common sense or respect. She has cut him off. He is realizing that everyone is disenchanted with him to say the least. So now he thinks he is going to charm the snakes out of the trees with the Mr. Nice Guy act. Meanwhile the parties and substance abuse go on. He is an adult man who should pay the consequences for his actions. If by some miracle he ever got clean and sober it still wouldn't change that dynamic at this point. It's a dog and pony show for the money, otherwise he wouldn't care, as he never has before. It isn't about forgiveness, it's about trust and accountability.

PuzzledHeart

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. No contact is very much your friend.

I would advise that you find out if you will be expected to be the executor of your mom's estate. Several friends of mine had to grit their teeth when it came to distribution of assets, but they stuck to the will and the intentions behind it, which made things so much easier. But nasty words were exchanged as well as fraudulent shenanigans. It's amazing how people will try on delusions for cash.

FeelingGreat

So as I understand it, he is pressuring your mother for money now? And you're worried she might cave?

It depends on how much control you have, or want, of your mother's estate, but if you need to get him off her back you could arrange for him to have his share now, on the understanding that there will be nothing when she dies. Have it drawn up as a legal document that makes it clear he understands what he's doing and has taken his own advice. Same advice applies if he takes a proportion of his share - it's taken out of the estate.

The main thing with families is that if she does give in to him, get everything drawn up in writing. A good lawyer is essential to protect your mother's peace of mind and her assets.

BriarSkye

Seems like it's been going on to long. He has no credibility.

CoffeeBuff

Why would an alcoholic/addict deserve any money at all, large or small.
No one in a family should be entitled to take their share now.
It's totally unfair and selfish.
Who knows how much money there will finally be in the end anyway.
Thanks for the suggestion but that is not realistic.
Our mother must be fed up with all the crapola after 40 years of substance abuse.
I think she is done with it.
He probably thinks he is going to brown nose his way back into her good graces.
He can take drugs and alcohol or not but it doesn't change anything.

trailmix

I'm not sure how whether a person is an alcoholic/addict plays in to this at all?

Maybe he is selfish and not a nice person.

That's all beside the point really. The only consideration is what your Mom wants to do.

The suggestion to pay him out now is solid I think, if that is her intent, it will satisfy him and get him out of your lives probably.

Again, it all goes back to whatever your Mom wants to do though.

CoffeeBuff

A lifetime of active alcoholism and addiction does not merit a reward by expecting the family to pay their way because they bankrupted themselves in every way and are now out of options. My mother is very conservative with money, She was a small child in the great depression. She will never be his cash cow.
I think she feels violated that two of her broken down alcoholic children are trying to take advantage of her in a big way in her golden years.

trailmix

I do feel bad for your Mother, that's a lot for her to have to deal with. The good news is she can go completely no contact with them if she chooses to do so, or very low contact.

She can protect her assets through legal means.

I understand there is probably a lot of water under the bridge for you with your siblings and you resent them appearing now in what seems to be a very disingenuous way. Sorry you are having to deal with that too.

CoffeeBuff

I consider him to be a danger to himself and others for good reason. He gas been abusive in the past.

PuzzledHeart

This may be a little hard core for some, but I asked my parents to take me out of the will. It's probably not going to happen, but I really don't want to rely on them (or my child) as my retirement plan for the reason CoffeeBuff stated (and gosh I love that name!).

I'm certain that my financial independence has a positive effect on the relationship between me and my parents. Threats to take me out of the will don't have any impact on me at all, and they know it. If I'm out of the will, it's a sign that they know that I can stand on my own two feet. If I'm in it, it's bonus money.

That said, the role that I'm absolutely dreading is the role of executor. I've requested that they have a third party take this role and I'd be willing to pay out of my own pocket for this to happen. The idea that I'd be subject to my sister's begging and pleading fills me with so much dread that I'd rather yank my fingernails out rather than endure it.

AnvilheadII

it really comes down to what your mother wants, does it not? assuming she is in charge of her mental faculties, how she distributes her funds is her business. unless you have been named as durable power of attorney or executor of her estate, your opinions regarding your sibling are not truly what matters here. you say she has cut him off......

thequest

I have observed similar situations. Many senior parents think/hope time and age will change their alcoholic or addict child's; ways. It doesn't but many seniors weren't exposed to all the information/issues surrounding drug and alcohol abuse. Nor do they really want to admit their child let alone someone in the family has a problem.

That being said it is up to the parent unless actually declared incompetent along with being their estate/money. Someone might want to have a very casual short conversation with her to see if she wants to specify anything regarding the alcoholic. Also the brown nosing alcoholic is probably hunting allies with in the family-I've seen that play out too. Don't want to see the financial escalate into legal action just yet.

In a twist I've seen an alcoholic reject the role of executor and administrator of their parents estate giving it to another sibling the parent was trying to avoid. Says something about that parent as well(another time). That alcoholic will and gladly has accepted inheritance money but after seeing the potential dollar amount which is well above any monies they ever had(wonder why?) they simply don't want the responsibility, they are pretty honest and realistic about their capabilities.

I might consult a lawyer on options but not actually use one yet. The lawyers will always be there and you always can escalate. I'd say try to get sense of how the rest of family feels or gather actual information on the alcoholic-be careful because again the alcoholic is seeking allies while brown nosing, I've seen it.

This stinks but not uncommon actually.

Good Luck

Maudcat

Hi, Coffeebuff.
Welcome.
I have an addict sib, lives with my mom.
Her wishes are that we split the estate three ways, between the three sibs, after she passes.
Neither my older sib nor I want to do this, for obvious reasons.
But...it is her will and her wish, so I don't see that we have much choice.
My older sib is my addict sib's guardian, so there is, at least, some control in the dissemination of monies.
She also would like us to see that he lives somewhere safe after the house is sold.
We will try, but don't know of too many places that will take a drunk, so don't know about that one.
She has been in denial about him her whole life, and she won't change.

CoffeeBuff

It seems that my mother has cut off both alcoholic siblings. I gave her some recovery literature and her eyes have been opened. She is wealthy and they were both waiting like vultures for her return last year from her winter home. They both thought she would start supporting them for the rest of their lives. I think she is happy to realize that she could have fallen into that trap without this enlightenment. Knowledge is power. It seems like she is now aware that this is all unacceptable behavior and exploitation. I'm sorry I will not tolerate them disrespecting her in her elderly years. My mother is very smart, she just needed to learn some of the dynamics of the disease and the fact that it is not her fault. It was their choice. The one sib is a bit of a con artist but the damage has been done.

Maudcat

Well, that's good, I think.
Sounds like your mom is capable and aware and willing to make some tough choices.
I believe that the addicts will get the message, long as she stays strong, and move on. They are like limpets, always attempting to fasten on someone.
I would encourage her to make a legal document, a will, if she doesn't yet have one, that makes her choices clear.
And...to do this while she is still clearly cognitive and able to choose.
Peace.

Eauchiche

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!
The "forgiveness" card is played a lot by his types, especially in religious circles.
We forgive to avoid carrying resentments, but need to remain "no-contact."