No mans land
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
No mans land
I’m still in this awkward place where I’ve agreed the separation with AH but we still live in the same house whilst I sort out new housing.
Its all been very “amicable” so far.. in fact he seems positively happy about the situation talking about doing up the garden at the house he’s moving into and his plans to grow the business. Been super nice buying a take away tonight and putting a movie on.
But hes still sleeping in the same bed. Snoring like a pig and jerking around, smelling terrible and he even punched me the other morning really hard in my ribs (he was having a nightmare) so I’m just not sleeping. I’m shattered and feeling tearful and vulnerable all the time.
We don’t have another spare room. I’m thinking of asking my daughters to share a room just for the last week or two so I can sleep in her room until we leave. But I’m also trying to keep things as “normal” as possible for my youngest who’s ten and has ASD. I have explained to her daddy isn’t going to live in the new house and she’s understandably upset. She needs to process this.
Im waiting to fill in credit checks for the new house and hoping I’ll pass this week.
AH has continued to drink openly and his treatment of my eldest daughters hasn’t improved. He heard my 18yo say “he’s drinking mum” when we got out of the car at 3.30 on Friday. He was sat in his office with a beer and he glared at her. Then today he opened a can in her face and said “I’m drinking again you have a problem with that?” He is just vile. He owes me and her money for work we’ve both done for his business this week - we bailed him out of a few jobs that other staff couldn’t cover and he failed to find cover for half term and he’s not paid us. He’s withholding the cash on purpose because he knows we will ask for it. My daughter asked him for hers today (£100) and he said she’ll get it when he’s ready to give it to her. But again I’m not challenging him because I’m trying to keep the peace. I feel so awful being in this position it’s only another week or so until we leave him for good but it’s dragging because I don’t know quite how to act!
Its all been very “amicable” so far.. in fact he seems positively happy about the situation talking about doing up the garden at the house he’s moving into and his plans to grow the business. Been super nice buying a take away tonight and putting a movie on.
But hes still sleeping in the same bed. Snoring like a pig and jerking around, smelling terrible and he even punched me the other morning really hard in my ribs (he was having a nightmare) so I’m just not sleeping. I’m shattered and feeling tearful and vulnerable all the time.
We don’t have another spare room. I’m thinking of asking my daughters to share a room just for the last week or two so I can sleep in her room until we leave. But I’m also trying to keep things as “normal” as possible for my youngest who’s ten and has ASD. I have explained to her daddy isn’t going to live in the new house and she’s understandably upset. She needs to process this.
Im waiting to fill in credit checks for the new house and hoping I’ll pass this week.
AH has continued to drink openly and his treatment of my eldest daughters hasn’t improved. He heard my 18yo say “he’s drinking mum” when we got out of the car at 3.30 on Friday. He was sat in his office with a beer and he glared at her. Then today he opened a can in her face and said “I’m drinking again you have a problem with that?” He is just vile. He owes me and her money for work we’ve both done for his business this week - we bailed him out of a few jobs that other staff couldn’t cover and he failed to find cover for half term and he’s not paid us. He’s withholding the cash on purpose because he knows we will ask for it. My daughter asked him for hers today (£100) and he said she’ll get it when he’s ready to give it to her. But again I’m not challenging him because I’m trying to keep the peace. I feel so awful being in this position it’s only another week or so until we leave him for good but it’s dragging because I don’t know quite how to act!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Ugh. That's such a terrible living arrangement for you RB.
First things first, I would absolutely move out of the bedroom for the time being, whether that's to the sofa, the girl's room, wherever you can find a place to sleep. You 100% need your mind clear and well rested right now. Your daughter will adjust.
Maybe make it like a game, Mom is playing musical rooms!
Of course he's happy - he gets to drink when he moves out, wherever and whenever he wants. I don't know if he's an industrious person but if he isn't now that garden won't change one bit, maybe he will put a table and a chair out there.
Right now he seems to be so deep in his addiction. The sooner you get out of there the better. I wish you good luck with your applications. Hang in there RB - it will get better for you very soon.
First things first, I would absolutely move out of the bedroom for the time being, whether that's to the sofa, the girl's room, wherever you can find a place to sleep. You 100% need your mind clear and well rested right now. Your daughter will adjust.
Maybe make it like a game, Mom is playing musical rooms!
Of course he's happy - he gets to drink when he moves out, wherever and whenever he wants. I don't know if he's an industrious person but if he isn't now that garden won't change one bit, maybe he will put a table and a chair out there.
Right now he seems to be so deep in his addiction. The sooner you get out of there the better. I wish you good luck with your applications. Hang in there RB - it will get better for you very soon.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
I feel like I'm in the same place. I'm so very sad. This isnt how I wanted my marriage to be. But I cant fix this. I'm not perfect, but the bulk of the problem isnt mine. I'm not dead, if he wanted to have a real relationship with me, he could. He could stop drinking, he could attend his court ordered meetings, he could try something. But he doesnt. And actions speak louder than words. I have to try and feel my feelings and then let them go. Its scary, and that's ok. I have loving supportive parents and a loving supportive daughter 🖤 and a place to go. I am grateful.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
surely you have a couch?
i understand trying to keep the peace for a while longer, but sleeping in his bed is such a violation of your own sanctity and sanity.
i think also this working together and being financially connected and expecting him to "pay" you is giving him way too much power. you and your older DD.
do your best to steer clear. get out as soon as humanly possible.
he is showing you who he is, and how he views each of you. as lesser thans, pawns, toys, minions.
i understand trying to keep the peace for a while longer, but sleeping in his bed is such a violation of your own sanctity and sanity.
i think also this working together and being financially connected and expecting him to "pay" you is giving him way too much power. you and your older DD.
do your best to steer clear. get out as soon as humanly possible.
he is showing you who he is, and how he views each of you. as lesser thans, pawns, toys, minions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
surely you have a couch?
i understand trying to keep the peace for a while longer, but sleeping in his bed is such a violation of your own sanctity and sanity.
i think also this working together and being financially connected and expecting him to "pay" you is giving him way too much power. you and your older DD.
do your best to steer clear. get out as soon as humanly possible.
he is showing you who he is, and how he views each of you. as lesser thans, pawns, toys, minions.
i understand trying to keep the peace for a while longer, but sleeping in his bed is such a violation of your own sanctity and sanity.
i think also this working together and being financially connected and expecting him to "pay" you is giving him way too much power. you and your older DD.
do your best to steer clear. get out as soon as humanly possible.
he is showing you who he is, and how he views each of you. as lesser thans, pawns, toys, minions.
Agree re the work. I have applied for universal credit and they want to see a contract or self employment records if which I have neither! If I say I am doing neither I’ll probably have to attend a work interview which I don’t want as another job wouldn’t be as flexible (I care for my eldest disabled daughter and my youngest pretty much full time as well)
I’m seriously considering something else but I guess I feel I have a stake in the business as I set it up! He says he relies on me to do the yearly tax and the digital paperwork as he hasn’t a clue. I guess I’ve thought it’s still in my children’s interests to keep that afloat but .. now I’m thinking this is my sick codependent side talking?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
yeah, relying on the unreliable doesn't usually work out so well. and staying dependent upon him keeps you well......dependent.
allow yourself to think outside the box...outside the current framework. allow other options to come to you. let the universe know you are open for business! good things do lie ahead.
allow yourself to think outside the box...outside the current framework. allow other options to come to you. let the universe know you are open for business! good things do lie ahead.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
This business is keeping you chained to him. I wonder... what would happen if you let it go, if you closed it? You surely have the skills to get into part-time administrative work, considering you owned/ran a business. See if there are any services or resume workshops for women who are struggling to get into work where you live?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Oh I have lots of skills... yes! I’m actually thinking I’m going to ditch it and run my own business ... 🤔🤔 I can earn some money promoting products on my blog for one.. it might be time to let that go one thing at a time though so purely for the purposes of my universal credit application I’ll stick with the current situation then once we’ve settled into our new home I’m going to change my career options.
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