Are there happy endings?
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Are there happy endings?
I heard a story of a lady who had remained with her AH through his recovery and even referred to him as 'a wonderful man'. Do happy endings happen??
I read on another thread that recovery starts with a year of sobriety, and maybe 2-5 yrs. I'm not sure I can go through the next few years of my life with a recovering alcoholic.
I will give our situation more time as I am.safe and have good boundaries, but part of me wonders what I am missing out on. I don't mean another partner, but rather how I would live if I wasn't living with stress, and often feeling rejected as he is not around much. In the middle of the bridge and not sure which way to go...
I read on another thread that recovery starts with a year of sobriety, and maybe 2-5 yrs. I'm not sure I can go through the next few years of my life with a recovering alcoholic.
I will give our situation more time as I am.safe and have good boundaries, but part of me wonders what I am missing out on. I don't mean another partner, but rather how I would live if I wasn't living with stress, and often feeling rejected as he is not around much. In the middle of the bridge and not sure which way to go...
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Wombaticus…...From my experience, yes, I have seen marriages that survived alcoholism, and appeared to be happy and healthy....
I must say that it is not me...because my alcoholic is not a husband or partner.
On this particular forum, you will, probably, mostly see people who come because their lives have reached a crisis level, after many years of living with alcoholism.
the way I see it...the course of the disease is predictable, but, every individual and relationship is different.
I will say that the "happy" appearing marriages that I have seen, are the ones where the alcoholic has vigorously worked their program for years. Not just half measures.
I think it is important to point out that an alcoholic can stop the elevator and get off at any stage of the disease. I think it may be mush easier for the marriage to survive if the alcoholic gets into recovery before too much water has passed under the bridge---and, if the marriage was a solid and compatible one, to begin with....
Like I said...every situation is different....
I think, that, in the end, you will have to do what seems right for You.
I must say that it is not me...because my alcoholic is not a husband or partner.
On this particular forum, you will, probably, mostly see people who come because their lives have reached a crisis level, after many years of living with alcoholism.
the way I see it...the course of the disease is predictable, but, every individual and relationship is different.
I will say that the "happy" appearing marriages that I have seen, are the ones where the alcoholic has vigorously worked their program for years. Not just half measures.
I think it is important to point out that an alcoholic can stop the elevator and get off at any stage of the disease. I think it may be mush easier for the marriage to survive if the alcoholic gets into recovery before too much water has passed under the bridge---and, if the marriage was a solid and compatible one, to begin with....
Like I said...every situation is different....
I think, that, in the end, you will have to do what seems right for You.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
My marriage is dying literally. He has got on the wagon, fallen off the wagon more times than I care to remember and it’s always the same old story, I was stressed, you don’t understand, I was lost, it’s not the drink, I can control it, blah blah blah. I moved out of the bedroom, at least I can have decent sleep as he snores, I also cannot sleep with someone who can so easily lie to me, I just can’t do it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
I personally have never witnessed one, but I am sure they exist, like the example you heard about and I have seen a few on SR.
I agree with dandylion, there have to be the right things in place and there also has to be that commitment to do "whatever it takes" to recover.
I don't think that is necessarily specific to alcoholism either, that's with any big challenge in a marriage or relationship. The thing with alcoholism though is that the challenge IS so huge and the recovery time is great.
Not to say that things should not be getting better as time goes along, the years it can take to recover can be recovery for all.
Regardless of the need for rebuilding, it is also as dandylion said, that compatibility and also a strong foundation/commitment have to be there to start with. The damage that is done, whether that's from alcoholism or anger problems or any other myriad of problems cannot be repaired in some cases.
People change with the type of abuse they endure, the spouse, the alcoholic, the person with rage issues etc. Years of abuse or non-attendance to a relationship takes a toll. Whether that can be repaired is a personal choice, I imagine if the base relationship is somewhat solid it is possible - but you have to be willing to put in a lot of work.
I married a person with huge anger issues. That never changed. The relationship did change from one of physical abuse to almost daily arguing. I finally threw in the towel. He has a lot of good qualities. Honest, trustworthy, reliable, would give you the shirt off his back but in all the years we were married that anger was always there, that never changed and eventually I had enough.
What you will be left with is different than what you came in with.
I agree with dandylion, there have to be the right things in place and there also has to be that commitment to do "whatever it takes" to recover.
I don't think that is necessarily specific to alcoholism either, that's with any big challenge in a marriage or relationship. The thing with alcoholism though is that the challenge IS so huge and the recovery time is great.
Not to say that things should not be getting better as time goes along, the years it can take to recover can be recovery for all.
Regardless of the need for rebuilding, it is also as dandylion said, that compatibility and also a strong foundation/commitment have to be there to start with. The damage that is done, whether that's from alcoholism or anger problems or any other myriad of problems cannot be repaired in some cases.
People change with the type of abuse they endure, the spouse, the alcoholic, the person with rage issues etc. Years of abuse or non-attendance to a relationship takes a toll. Whether that can be repaired is a personal choice, I imagine if the base relationship is somewhat solid it is possible - but you have to be willing to put in a lot of work.
I married a person with huge anger issues. That never changed. The relationship did change from one of physical abuse to almost daily arguing. I finally threw in the towel. He has a lot of good qualities. Honest, trustworthy, reliable, would give you the shirt off his back but in all the years we were married that anger was always there, that never changed and eventually I had enough.
What you will be left with is different than what you came in with.
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus 
Do happy endings happen??
This topic comes up A LOT, lol:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-endings.html (Happy endings?)
(tons of links to more in this thread too)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-endings.html (Satisfactory endings)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
I was the alcoholic and my daughter wanted me to stop drinking. I finally did stop and am living a good life now and have mended my relationships with my kids. So yes, there are some happy endings. 
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I don't know yet about happy endings, just about happier lives. My life is considerably happier since I quit drinking 15 years ago and I assume the same is true for my wife because we are still together.
My wife still does things and my reaction is still occasionally stress, but what I can fix is not wife but myself. Vice versa is also true. If my wife feels neglected, I can not fix her feelings, only she can do that. Vice versa is also true.
We both have been in our own recovery long enough to realize that we are individually responsible for our own happiness. It is not contingent upon anyone else.
Other people do things during the course of their day to day lives, but it is our reactions and subsequent actions that determine how things turn out. People do things, they don't do things to us; only we do that.
My wife still does things and my reaction is still occasionally stress, but what I can fix is not wife but myself. Vice versa is also true. If my wife feels neglected, I can not fix her feelings, only she can do that. Vice versa is also true.
We both have been in our own recovery long enough to realize that we are individually responsible for our own happiness. It is not contingent upon anyone else.
Other people do things during the course of their day to day lives, but it is our reactions and subsequent actions that determine how things turn out. People do things, they don't do things to us; only we do that.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Overall I am very glad I stayed with AH. We were drinking buddies until I quit nearly 9 years ago. He continued to drink daily. Several years ago he did quit for about 9 months and he was HORRIBLE!!! No recovery program and omg, I was glad when he picked up a drink again!
I did work a recovery program to examine and discard behaviours, update my outlook and attitude under my drinking, codie-ness and binge eating along with growing up in an alkie home.
I did work a recovery program to examine and discard behaviours, update my outlook and attitude under my drinking, codie-ness and binge eating along with growing up in an alkie home.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree with FireSprite that is depends on your definition of “happy ending”. I also agree with dandylion that “happy” appearing marriages are where both are working their own programs and for a long period of time.
I think the belief that if only the consumption of the alcohol would stop things would be happy and wonderful for all but that often never is the case, not without a strong and long recovery with some kind of outside help.
I think the belief that if only the consumption of the alcohol would stop things would be happy and wonderful for all but that often never is the case, not without a strong and long recovery with some kind of outside help.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What constitutes a happy ending? What works for one person could be a disaster for someone else. I think a lot depends on the damage done to the relationship, the recovery program and various other criteria. I sponsor a woman (in AA), I've known 26 years who is married to an abusive man. I wouldn't tolerate his put downs for ten minutes and yet she thinks she has a happy marriage. Bill Wilson was a womanizer and so difficult to live with his wife Lois started Alanon. Their marriage lasted but was it a happy one?
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Originally Posted by nez
If my wife feels neglected, I can not fix her feelings, only she can do that. Vice versa is also true.
We both have been in our own recovery long enough to realize that we are individually responsible for our own happiness. It is not contingent upon anyone else.
We both have been in our own recovery long enough to realize that we are individually responsible for our own happiness. It is not contingent upon anyone else.
If your wife is feeling neglected by you, no, you can't fix her "feelings" per-se but you can step up to the plate and spend more time with her or bring her flowers (or whatever the case is for that feeling of neglect in the relationship).
Perhaps I am misunderstanding you?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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I know what I am trying to express, but obviously it is not coming across the way I mean for it to.
Feelings are individual perceptions based on emotions and so therefore are often nebulous in nature.
I can not make my wife feel happy, sad, joyous, or neglected. My behavior can produce perceptions of happy, sad, joyous, or neglected in my wife. I am not an insensitive clod and recognize the semantical difference between the two phenomenon.
When I am mad at my wife, does she always need to change her behavior? No, but sometimes, yes.
When wife is mad at me, do I need to always change my behavior? No, but sometimes, yes.
The reason we are still together and happy is because we are cognizant of the power of our actions and the resultant effects upon each other's feelings even though neither of us harbors and false expectations that we can change those feelings, only our actions when it is prudent.
If my wife is feeling neglected, it does not need to be validated by me. Whether I deem it valid or not is superfluous to the situation. As a loving mate, I do what I can through my actions to help her navigate through her feelings to a safe harbor of feeling loved and valued, but I am not at the helm, only a deckhand.
Feelings are individual perceptions based on emotions and so therefore are often nebulous in nature.
I can not make my wife feel happy, sad, joyous, or neglected. My behavior can produce perceptions of happy, sad, joyous, or neglected in my wife. I am not an insensitive clod and recognize the semantical difference between the two phenomenon.
When I am mad at my wife, does she always need to change her behavior? No, but sometimes, yes.
When wife is mad at me, do I need to always change my behavior? No, but sometimes, yes.
The reason we are still together and happy is because we are cognizant of the power of our actions and the resultant effects upon each other's feelings even though neither of us harbors and false expectations that we can change those feelings, only our actions when it is prudent.
If my wife is feeling neglected, it does not need to be validated by me. Whether I deem it valid or not is superfluous to the situation. As a loving mate, I do what I can through my actions to help her navigate through her feelings to a safe harbor of feeling loved and valued, but I am not at the helm, only a deckhand.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by nez
I do what I can through my actions to help her navigate through her feelings to a safe harbor of feeling loved and valued, but I am not at the helm, only a deckhand.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Originally Posted by Wombaticus
I heard a story of a lady who had remained with her AH through his recovery and even referred to him as 'a wonderful man'. Do happy endings happen??
I read on another thread that recovery starts with a year of sobriety, and maybe 2-5 yrs. I'm not sure I can go through the next few years of my life with a recovering alcoholic.
I will give our situation more time as I am.safe and have good boundaries, but part of me wonders what I am missing out on. I don't mean another partner, but rather how I would live if I wasn't living with stress, and often feeling rejected as he is not around much. In the middle of the bridge and not sure which way to go...
I read on another thread that recovery starts with a year of sobriety, and maybe 2-5 yrs. I'm not sure I can go through the next few years of my life with a recovering alcoholic.
I will give our situation more time as I am.safe and have good boundaries, but part of me wonders what I am missing out on. I don't mean another partner, but rather how I would live if I wasn't living with stress, and often feeling rejected as he is not around much. In the middle of the bridge and not sure which way to go...
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by nez
As a loving mate, I do what I can through my actions to help her navigate through her feelings to a safe harbor of feeling loved and valued, but I am not at the helm, only a deckhand.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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I Think These are Dangerous Threads...
...and the reason I think that is I've noticed that people like me, people who love or are in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict, will focus on the one post where somebody got sober and the relationship survived.
What they won't focus on is the 10,000 posts of pain, misery, relapse, death, children who become alcoholics themselves or choose alcoholics as life partners, etc.
You are not in a relationship in the future with somebody's "potential." You are in a relationship now and this is who they are. THIS IS WHO THEY ARE.
Stay, like I have, and be miserable the rest of your life. Leave like many do and you have a chance to be happy and learn why you picked an alcoholic to being with so you don't do it again.
Good luck and go to many, many Alanon meetings.
Cyranoak
What they won't focus on is the 10,000 posts of pain, misery, relapse, death, children who become alcoholics themselves or choose alcoholics as life partners, etc.
You are not in a relationship in the future with somebody's "potential." You are in a relationship now and this is who they are. THIS IS WHO THEY ARE.
Stay, like I have, and be miserable the rest of your life. Leave like many do and you have a chance to be happy and learn why you picked an alcoholic to being with so you don't do it again.
Good luck and go to many, many Alanon meetings.
Cyranoak
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
So many wise words here.
I think the idea of a happy "ending" is misleading. The idea that marriage is a happy "ending" is misleading -- it's not the "end", it's a journey, right? So I guess... you can't make choices based on where you think you are going, you can only make choices based on where you are right now and who your partner is right now.
I divorced my ExAh because of abuse, not addiction. I have no idea if the abuse was because he was in his sickness or if it was his personality... and I don't have time to find out, I'm getting older every day. I also left for my own safety. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Do people stay happy together?
I think a lot of lasting relationships last not because they are "happy" but because of the compromises people make. BOTH people have to work at the relationship, but 99% of the time an active addict is not able to work on anything BUT his/her addiction -- they need to spend years fixing their relationship with themselves before they can have quality relationships with others. Of course this depends on how deep into addiction they are. If you're in a relationship with an addict and you are not getting support through Alanon/Naranon for codependency, you are (probably) going to be miserable.
One of the hardest things is acceptance.
Do you accept them as they are?
If you don't, you are trying to change someone into someone they are not.
I think the idea of a happy "ending" is misleading. The idea that marriage is a happy "ending" is misleading -- it's not the "end", it's a journey, right? So I guess... you can't make choices based on where you think you are going, you can only make choices based on where you are right now and who your partner is right now.
I divorced my ExAh because of abuse, not addiction. I have no idea if the abuse was because he was in his sickness or if it was his personality... and I don't have time to find out, I'm getting older every day. I also left for my own safety. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Do people stay happy together?
I think a lot of lasting relationships last not because they are "happy" but because of the compromises people make. BOTH people have to work at the relationship, but 99% of the time an active addict is not able to work on anything BUT his/her addiction -- they need to spend years fixing their relationship with themselves before they can have quality relationships with others. Of course this depends on how deep into addiction they are. If you're in a relationship with an addict and you are not getting support through Alanon/Naranon for codependency, you are (probably) going to be miserable.
One of the hardest things is acceptance.
Do you accept them as they are?
If you don't, you are trying to change someone into someone they are not.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
...and the reason I think that is I've noticed that people like me, people who love or are in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict, will focus on the one post where somebody got sober and the relationship survived.
What they won't focus on is the 10,000 posts of pain, misery, relapse, death, children who become alcoholics themselves or choose alcoholics as life partners, etc.
You are not in a relationship in the future with somebody's "potential." You are in a relationship now and this is who they are. THIS IS WHO THEY ARE.
Stay, like I have, and be miserable the rest of your life. Leave like many do and you have a chance to be happy and learn why you picked an alcoholic to being with so you don't do it again.
Good luck and go to many, many Alanon meetings.
Cyranoak
What they won't focus on is the 10,000 posts of pain, misery, relapse, death, children who become alcoholics themselves or choose alcoholics as life partners, etc.
You are not in a relationship in the future with somebody's "potential." You are in a relationship now and this is who they are. THIS IS WHO THEY ARE.
Stay, like I have, and be miserable the rest of your life. Leave like many do and you have a chance to be happy and learn why you picked an alcoholic to being with so you don't do it again.
Good luck and go to many, many Alanon meetings.
Cyranoak
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