Accountability Thread
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Rose7788 
No crazy behavior just obviously drink by the end of the night walking in circles daily checking up on us getting into our business. Not letting me be me.
"My parents visited and stayed with us at our house for 2 weeks. Both of them on separate occasions took me aside and said how can I deal with this behavior day in and day out"?
It's easy to slide in to chaotic behaviour. You have to get on with your day, whether that's work outside the home, taking care of your children, cleaning the house! The fact that he gets drunk and annoying every day becomes part of the norm.
It's not normal, be mindful, be in the present, this is your life today, is this the way you want it to be?
Never be embarrassed to post here, no one is here to judge you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Yes. True they probably are big signs from God. I thought I would see a sign like a health problem or a job problem or financial problems but none of that happens. It’s like he slips past all the problems that alcoholics normally face. Then it trips me up that since there really is no huge huge sign or huge huge problem....maybe I’m making a big deal about it. I know they say alcoholism is a progressive disease but what about all these drinkers that just slide by unscathed? It’s like they never get caught doing anything too bad and they don’t get health problems? I don’t understand how people get to slide by. How they can fully function the next day, go to work in complex job settings ect. Just thinking about it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rose.....close personal and intimate relationships are the first to feel the wear and tear....and, for many people, the job is the last thing to go.....
All of the children....especially grown children, of alcoholics...and, their spouses...so often. speak about how they resented how well their dad/husband "fooled everyone else" but treated them like crap, at home....There are thousands of stories, just like that, here, on this forum...…
I know that you are waiting for a mighty disaster of a "sign" to make a change...and, that is o.k. for you, if that is what you want....you are an adult, and, you may be able to take it...
But, your children don't have that luxury...to just wait it out until the ultimate disaster....because what they are experiencing, right now, they will take with them into their adult lives....
The hardest question for a mother to hear may be---"Momma..why did you make us stay?" What if the answer is …"I was waiting for God to send us a definite disaster, as a sign. The damage to you wasn't enough of a sign for me"...…
I think it is different when you look at it from this kind of angle.....
All of the children....especially grown children, of alcoholics...and, their spouses...so often. speak about how they resented how well their dad/husband "fooled everyone else" but treated them like crap, at home....There are thousands of stories, just like that, here, on this forum...…
I know that you are waiting for a mighty disaster of a "sign" to make a change...and, that is o.k. for you, if that is what you want....you are an adult, and, you may be able to take it...
But, your children don't have that luxury...to just wait it out until the ultimate disaster....because what they are experiencing, right now, they will take with them into their adult lives....
The hardest question for a mother to hear may be---"Momma..why did you make us stay?" What if the answer is …"I was waiting for God to send us a definite disaster, as a sign. The damage to you wasn't enough of a sign for me"...…
I think it is different when you look at it from this kind of angle.....
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
“...drinkers that just slide by unscathed.”
That has never been my experience. Personally, I have known and loved too many alcoholics & all of them were deeply wounded people... every single hour, every single day they hurt themselves and everyone around them.
Addiction is so complex, so painful, so tragic, so baffling. And if for one moment all this isn’t obvious... you may be right in the FOG.
I tear up even thinking about all the pain and hurt addicts cause to themselves & others.
That has never been my experience. Personally, I have known and loved too many alcoholics & all of them were deeply wounded people... every single hour, every single day they hurt themselves and everyone around them.
Addiction is so complex, so painful, so tragic, so baffling. And if for one moment all this isn’t obvious... you may be right in the FOG.
I tear up even thinking about all the pain and hurt addicts cause to themselves & others.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I waited for the big sign. My ex passed out in a pool of his own blood with an empty bottle next to him. When I woke him up yelling about how he came home bleeding and decided it was more important to finish the bottle than clean up before his 3 year old got home he blamed me for the mess. Because of how I stored the cleaning products (that he had never touched).
The righteous fury has made all the misery easier to bear, because I KNOW I had no choice. And my life (even w the current drama I’ve been posting about) is SO much better. But I couldn’t see how he would let me out of it for a long time. He is controlling and I was terrified he’d hurt me or try to get custody etc. And as much as I wanted out for a long time, and I am a very tough person, and not actually particularly codependent, I couldn’t get out until I could see a clear path.
i just want you to know you are heard and loved and if you can’t see your way out yet, it’s ok. But I if you can imagine an exit, the air is so much cleaner over on this side. And I know I am doing right by my kid in a way I never did no matter how much love and time I gave her before.
Big hugs
The righteous fury has made all the misery easier to bear, because I KNOW I had no choice. And my life (even w the current drama I’ve been posting about) is SO much better. But I couldn’t see how he would let me out of it for a long time. He is controlling and I was terrified he’d hurt me or try to get custody etc. And as much as I wanted out for a long time, and I am a very tough person, and not actually particularly codependent, I couldn’t get out until I could see a clear path.
i just want you to know you are heard and loved and if you can’t see your way out yet, it’s ok. But I if you can imagine an exit, the air is so much cleaner over on this side. And I know I am doing right by my kid in a way I never did no matter how much love and time I gave her before.
Big hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Rose I am a lot like you. But I REALLY want out. Most of my kids want me out. BUT one kid is younger and vulnerable and I worry what will happen when that kid is at dad’s. Will kid be brainwashed to hate me? or worse? I am a weak and unstable person and I don’t see myself surviving a vindictive and never-ending divorce. Poverty has been openly threatened. How can I do this? I am so ashamed of myself.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by pizza67
Rose I am a lot like you. But I REALLY want out. Most of my kids want me out. BUT one kid is younger and vulnerable and I worry what will happen when that kid is at dad’s. Will kid be brainwashed to hate me? or worse? I am a weak and unstable person and I don’t see myself surviving a vindictive and never-ending divorce. Poverty has been openly threatened. How can I do this? I am so ashamed of myself.
I'm not sure what social service you would contact in your area but it's certainly worth looking in to?
As for custody arrangements, a consultation with a lawyer might be in order? Just to find out what the lay of the land is. Knowledge is power.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Rose7788
I thought I would see a sign like a health problem or a job problem or financial problems but none of that happens. It’s like he slips past all the problems that alcoholics normally face. Then it trips me up that since there really is no huge huge sign or huge huge problem....maybe I’m making a big deal about it. I know they say alcoholism is a progressive disease but what about all these drinkers that just slide by unscathed? It’s like they never get caught doing anything too bad and they don’t get health problems? I don’t understand how people get to slide by. How they can fully function the next day, go to work in complex job settings ect. Just thinking about it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by pizza67
Rose I am a lot like you. But I REALLY want out. Most of my kids want me out. BUT one kid is younger and vulnerable and I worry what will happen when that kid is at dad’s. Will kid be brainwashed to hate me? or worse? I am a weak and unstable person and I don’t see myself surviving a vindictive and never-ending divorce. Poverty has been openly threatened. How can I do this? I am so ashamed of myself.
too. Sometimes when I think about going and finally being at peace I can almost feel what it would be like. The sun would be shining the day would be limitless and the constant controlling would be over. Pizza you say you are weak but can you find the strength of a higher power and this board to help you make the right decisions? Perhaps the other younger child can receive therapy or peer support from their siblings that this is the right choice. This board keeps me grounded in my thoughts and helps me feel that I’m not crazy. We are not alone.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Pizza and so many. golly we are in that loop like so many before us.. have been watching some things on Judy Garland.. when she sings I cry.. for so many reasons..
She lost so much. in life and health and really was the first big Druggie of the Starlite stage.. but not really for so many of them to make us laugh entertain us and to keep running. Drank to much were allowed to much and just were given Drugs and Drink to keep them in line..
love and prayers from the bottom of my heart Holly the Holiday Clown..
She lost so much. in life and health and really was the first big Druggie of the Starlite stage.. but not really for so many of them to make us laugh entertain us and to keep running. Drank to much were allowed to much and just were given Drugs and Drink to keep them in line..
love and prayers from the bottom of my heart Holly the Holiday Clown..
Originally Posted by Rose7788
Hi All,
I have been looking at this section for quite some time. My husband and I liked to drink together a lot until I stopped. I have kids now and it does not have any place in my life. My husband still drinks and since I have quit the spotlight is on him. He is a great provider, intelligent, highly functioning alcoholic. I really want for nothing materially. Just like many of you on this section of this forum, I deal with him drinking.
When its day drinking (beer is his choice drink) I cringe because its unpredictable at night. He can get nasty verbally and it grates on me. I have said I will leave many times and I have for several nights-especially last year. I always come back and it drives me crazy. I sweep it under the rug until the next chaos arises.
He does not drink and drive, never been physically abusive to me or the kids or anyone for that matter, we don't have financial issues, live a comfortable life ect ect. There's just a major disconnect in our relationship when he drinks. I quit drinking and almost made it 3 years until I relapsed with him two weeks ago. The experience was sad afterwards and it only strengthened my resolve that I will not and do not want to go back to drinking. Maybe I did this to connect with him again? He said I was the most fun I had been with him in three years. That is not true! My life has totally turned for the better not drinking and Im going to AA now to prevent any future slips, I have a therapist I just started seeing ect.
I get so lost in my mind trying to tell myself that its ok and forget the times where Im in serious emotional pain over what he said or did. This last time was New years eve this January. Lets just say he got very annoying and rude and was so disrespectful. That is when I got my resolve up and said no more! I looked for a place to live and arrangements to be made, told him I was leaving but then a week went by then everything went back to normal. He promised he would be good, and things were ok. These past couple of days I see the issues arising again. He started his day drinking and the rest is walking on eggshells hoping that everything is ok and just try to wait it out until he goes to sleep.
This thread is my accountability thread. Its going to help me keep track of all these issues and incidents I face. Maybe I can create a timeline so these incidents are not forgotten and swept under the rug. I don't know what to do so I do nothing and just wait it out. I'm confused and embarrassed, only my close family knows about this, my friends have no idea. He always says its me that's crazy not him. Lots of Quackers he says and its so annoying. Anyway I just want to be accountable for what is going on in my life and stop saying Im going to leave him because with no action my threats look weak. If I leave then I leave that's it. Im not sure Im there yet. I appreciate all of you even though I have only introduced myself now, I have read many of your posts. Thank you for reading and I appreciate you being here.
Rose
I have been looking at this section for quite some time. My husband and I liked to drink together a lot until I stopped. I have kids now and it does not have any place in my life. My husband still drinks and since I have quit the spotlight is on him. He is a great provider, intelligent, highly functioning alcoholic. I really want for nothing materially. Just like many of you on this section of this forum, I deal with him drinking.
When its day drinking (beer is his choice drink) I cringe because its unpredictable at night. He can get nasty verbally and it grates on me. I have said I will leave many times and I have for several nights-especially last year. I always come back and it drives me crazy. I sweep it under the rug until the next chaos arises.
He does not drink and drive, never been physically abusive to me or the kids or anyone for that matter, we don't have financial issues, live a comfortable life ect ect. There's just a major disconnect in our relationship when he drinks. I quit drinking and almost made it 3 years until I relapsed with him two weeks ago. The experience was sad afterwards and it only strengthened my resolve that I will not and do not want to go back to drinking. Maybe I did this to connect with him again? He said I was the most fun I had been with him in three years. That is not true! My life has totally turned for the better not drinking and Im going to AA now to prevent any future slips, I have a therapist I just started seeing ect.
I get so lost in my mind trying to tell myself that its ok and forget the times where Im in serious emotional pain over what he said or did. This last time was New years eve this January. Lets just say he got very annoying and rude and was so disrespectful. That is when I got my resolve up and said no more! I looked for a place to live and arrangements to be made, told him I was leaving but then a week went by then everything went back to normal. He promised he would be good, and things were ok. These past couple of days I see the issues arising again. He started his day drinking and the rest is walking on eggshells hoping that everything is ok and just try to wait it out until he goes to sleep.
This thread is my accountability thread. Its going to help me keep track of all these issues and incidents I face. Maybe I can create a timeline so these incidents are not forgotten and swept under the rug. I don't know what to do so I do nothing and just wait it out. I'm confused and embarrassed, only my close family knows about this, my friends have no idea. He always says its me that's crazy not him. Lots of Quackers he says and its so annoying. Anyway I just want to be accountable for what is going on in my life and stop saying Im going to leave him because with no action my threats look weak. If I leave then I leave that's it. Im not sure Im there yet. I appreciate all of you even though I have only introduced myself now, I have read many of your posts. Thank you for reading and I appreciate you being here.
Rose
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 23
In my case, though not as long of a relationship, me stepping out of the picture helped. Like you I kept saying I was going to leave and packed my bags a few times and left and came back twice. The last time I hit my last nerve. He made a fool of himself at my new job, which he walked himself over to while I was in the store next to it, and then made a fool of himself again that night at my fathers beach club. I was so embarrassed and all the residual anger I had boiled till it over flowed. I told him I was done and left faster and with more resolve than I ever had.
That night he ends up having some chaos at home, that I was thankfully not apart of anymore at this point, and broke him foot. He went to the hospital and was treated for that and for detox. Once he was mostly through d/t I came and visited and told him we can try to start again once he leaves and WANTS to stay sober. And thankfully that’s what happened and we are rebuilding.
So so my point is, maybe leaving is what will change it. Or maybe it won’t, but I can tell you through leaving even just for those few days I didn’t feel the same anxious oh my god when is the next episode oh I hope he isn’t as mean anxiety I had been feeling.
I hope you and him find your personal peace.
That night he ends up having some chaos at home, that I was thankfully not apart of anymore at this point, and broke him foot. He went to the hospital and was treated for that and for detox. Once he was mostly through d/t I came and visited and told him we can try to start again once he leaves and WANTS to stay sober. And thankfully that’s what happened and we are rebuilding.
So so my point is, maybe leaving is what will change it. Or maybe it won’t, but I can tell you through leaving even just for those few days I didn’t feel the same anxious oh my god when is the next episode oh I hope he isn’t as mean anxiety I had been feeling.
I hope you and him find your personal peace.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Rose . your story sounds just like my story. I started journaling with a password....and I noticed every 14 days there was verbal abuse. Other times nice.sometimes truly heinous disrespectful contemptuous and hateful behavior.. Very functional . great job.no financial worries. I saw a. Counselor who said to me...is this how you imagined marriage would be like? For some reason that is what finally made up my mind. I also asked for a sign. Let him get caught drunk driving. Didn't happen. How extreme is that though? I wanted God to risk someone's life to send me a sign before I left. But I see that now...that's how desparate I was. And irrational in my thinking. Get help from friends and family. That's what finally saved me. People who loved me and believed me....and were there for me supporting and caring for me. I had not told others because I did not want to be disloyal to my marriage. But the counselor encouraged me to confide in a support system and it helped a lot! Praying for you!
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hi rose
i prayed for signs. I was waiting for my husband to get ill or get caught drunk driving. In the end it was me that got very ill and as a result was completely ejected from my life.
I am now trying to rebuild my life from a very difficult position as I am very much weaker physically and financially. I think I might be stronger emotionally but it's hard to say. My emotions are different now. I had less faith in myself when I was with my husband. I can see now that I must be strong after all I have had to deal with.
Try to observe what is actually happening and not cling to what you would like to happen. And I don't just mean with him I mean with yourself too. What are your strengths? What are your fears? What needs and wants do you have?
Can you provide these for yourself? Or do you have to wait? For a sign? Why are you waiting? Is waiting easier than acting? Why?
Alcoholics tend to erode our self esteem and our clarity. We seem to doubt ourselves around them. I think waiting for signs shows that we are loosing faith in our own judgement.
i prayed for signs. I was waiting for my husband to get ill or get caught drunk driving. In the end it was me that got very ill and as a result was completely ejected from my life.
I am now trying to rebuild my life from a very difficult position as I am very much weaker physically and financially. I think I might be stronger emotionally but it's hard to say. My emotions are different now. I had less faith in myself when I was with my husband. I can see now that I must be strong after all I have had to deal with.
Try to observe what is actually happening and not cling to what you would like to happen. And I don't just mean with him I mean with yourself too. What are your strengths? What are your fears? What needs and wants do you have?
Can you provide these for yourself? Or do you have to wait? For a sign? Why are you waiting? Is waiting easier than acting? Why?
Alcoholics tend to erode our self esteem and our clarity. We seem to doubt ourselves around them. I think waiting for signs shows that we are loosing faith in our own judgement.
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