Accountability Thread
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Just threading away here. He says I’m lazy about the kids. I can’t help feed them at the table. They are slobs. I should be able to handle the meltdown at the table. I’m not lazy. I devote my life to my kids. I do get tired and complacent at times. I pick my battles. I guess I need to be more of a hard core disciplinarian in his eyes.
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Originally Posted by Rose7788 
Just threading away here. He says I’m lazy about the kids. I can’t help feed them at the table. They are slobs. I should be able to handle the meltdown at the table. I’m not lazy. I devote my life to my kids. I do get tired and complacent at times. I pick my battles. I guess I need to be more of a hard core disciplinarian in his eyes.
And in case you need perspective, dinner isn't meant to be a torture session, if a parent wants to discuss discipline with the other parent, they do that in private, they don't insult their children and the Mother of the children in a group.
Perhaps the parenting skills he should be looking at are his own, the children will remember what he says for a long long time.
You might find these threads helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ening-you.html (Verbal Abuse-Is it happening to you?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hat-abuse.html (What abuse is)
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
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You are a caring mother in a very stressful, difficult situation.
All of that is cruel, intended to give him power, space to continue his addiction to alcohol and there is nothing we can do to please an abuser.
There are also phases/cycles of emotional abuse. It's every bit as damaging as having been hit.
Good plan, Rose. One day at a time. (((hugs)))
All of that is cruel, intended to give him power, space to continue his addiction to alcohol and there is nothing we can do to please an abuser.
There are also phases/cycles of emotional abuse. It's every bit as damaging as having been hit.
Good plan, Rose. One day at a time. (((hugs)))
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Since when did he become the person in the world that tells you how you should be? That's your job, you are who you are.
And in case you need perspective, dinner isn't meant to be a torture session, if a parent wants to discuss discipline with the other parent, they do that in private, they don't insult their children and the Mother of the children in a group.
Perhaps the parenting skills he should be looking at are his own, the children will remember what he says for a long long time.
You might find these threads helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ening-you.html (Verbal Abuse-Is it happening to you?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hat-abuse.html (What abuse is)
And in case you need perspective, dinner isn't meant to be a torture session, if a parent wants to discuss discipline with the other parent, they do that in private, they don't insult their children and the Mother of the children in a group.
Perhaps the parenting skills he should be looking at are his own, the children will remember what he says for a long long time.
You might find these threads helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ening-you.html (Verbal Abuse-Is it happening to you?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hat-abuse.html (What abuse is)
Trailmix<
Thank you so much. I lost perspective certainly. I memorized what you said verbatim to him today when he was sober. Shut him down-he had no words.
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Well he’s been away on a trip for work since the last issue. I thought he won’t even remorseful the way he treated us the before he left. He apologized and of course during the trip away his calls and texts were nice sweet. I was still deeply hurt. Always very nervous he was coming home like what is next. He got home and was not particularly nasty to me but there was a real negative vibe. I prayed last night to have god help me. Guide me. Tell me what to do. What is my plan? I worry about nothing. I’m nervous. I have problems sleeping. I inquired about rooms to rent one alone. But what about my kids? I hate this. I shouldn’t have to worry about this all the time. I am so resigned. Oh yes nine big beers when he got home so yes he was drinking.
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You are right, you shouldn't have to live a life where you are nervous, can't sleep, walk on eggshells and have a partner that is giving off a negative vibe (probably because he is resentful about not being able to enjoy his 9 beers because he knows you don't like it).
Do you have a plan at all? If not, how about some small steps?
First is financial, do you put away any money for yourself. This is the most important, if you aren't, you may want to consider doing that.
Second, where do you and the children go if you do decide to leave? Family? Place to rent or ask him to leave?
What is your legal standing? You could perhaps get a no-fee initial consultation with a lawyer, or low fee.
So that's three things that, if you get more information/plan, will make you feel so much better. Doesn't mean you have to do them all today and doesn't mean you have to actually pack the car and the kids up today either - small steps, maybe organize finances this week.
Wondering, feeling rudderless and unprepared will add to your anxiety 10-fold.
Dandylion posts this link a lot and you might find it helpful:
www.womansdivorce.com
Lots and lots of information there (can be a bit overwhelming, but again, small steps), information by state is here:
https://www.womansdivorce.com/state-...resources.html
Do you have a plan at all? If not, how about some small steps?
First is financial, do you put away any money for yourself. This is the most important, if you aren't, you may want to consider doing that.
Second, where do you and the children go if you do decide to leave? Family? Place to rent or ask him to leave?
What is your legal standing? You could perhaps get a no-fee initial consultation with a lawyer, or low fee.
So that's three things that, if you get more information/plan, will make you feel so much better. Doesn't mean you have to do them all today and doesn't mean you have to actually pack the car and the kids up today either - small steps, maybe organize finances this week.
Wondering, feeling rudderless and unprepared will add to your anxiety 10-fold.
Dandylion posts this link a lot and you might find it helpful:
www.womansdivorce.com
Lots and lots of information there (can be a bit overwhelming, but again, small steps), information by state is here:
https://www.womansdivorce.com/state-...resources.html
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Thx TM
I called 2 places room for rent today. Went to my women’s group at church this morning. Talked with a mom that didn’t know anything about my situation who is going through a divorce. Honestly, it felt so complicated and sad. All the details she’s going through and her three kids in tow. I came home with a more tolerant attitude and it’s been a fairly easier night tonight. No drama or anything. I counted my blessings, realizing this is not yet my bottom. I guess I’ll know. Canceled looking at the places for rent and had should I say a good day. I’ve vowed to check out Alanon and making it a goal to attend a group this week. Keeping this thread is really helpful.
I called 2 places room for rent today. Went to my women’s group at church this morning. Talked with a mom that didn’t know anything about my situation who is going through a divorce. Honestly, it felt so complicated and sad. All the details she’s going through and her three kids in tow. I came home with a more tolerant attitude and it’s been a fairly easier night tonight. No drama or anything. I counted my blessings, realizing this is not yet my bottom. I guess I’ll know. Canceled looking at the places for rent and had should I say a good day. I’ve vowed to check out Alanon and making it a goal to attend a group this week. Keeping this thread is really helpful.
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nothing has changed, Rose.
Oh yes nine big beers when he got home so yes he was drinking.
if you want to change, it will take work, it will be grueling and not easy. but so is you and those precious kids living under the rule of a selfish, abusive drunk.
i am glad you chose not to leave and leave your kids behind. they need at least one sane parent that has their best interests at heart. and will move heaven and earth to assure their safety and security.
when he sits at the head of the table as King and calls you AND the children SLOBS, that hurts. that scars. that destroys. 5 year old don't have the tools and resources and experience to do anything with that demoralization but internalize and begin to believe that it is ALL their fault.
he is not changing.
it will get worse.
Oh yes nine big beers when he got home so yes he was drinking.
if you want to change, it will take work, it will be grueling and not easy. but so is you and those precious kids living under the rule of a selfish, abusive drunk.
i am glad you chose not to leave and leave your kids behind. they need at least one sane parent that has their best interests at heart. and will move heaven and earth to assure their safety and security.
when he sits at the head of the table as King and calls you AND the children SLOBS, that hurts. that scars. that destroys. 5 year old don't have the tools and resources and experience to do anything with that demoralization but internalize and begin to believe that it is ALL their fault.
he is not changing.
it will get worse.
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Originally Posted by Rose7788
Canceled looking at the places for rent and had should I say a good day. I’ve vowed to check out Alanon and making it a goal to attend a group this week. Keeping this thread is really helpful.
No, maybe this is not your time to leave, but empowering yourself is important.
Something to watch out for. Over time, living with someone who sucks the joy out of you and your life, who affects your self-esteem, your self-worth, makes it harder and harder to protect yourself and harder and harder to leave.
Now, you don't want to leave this minute and that's ok - but don't let this go on so long that you reach a rock bottom where you don't have the resources and courage or energy to leave.
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Prayer + Al-anon = good obvious directions opening up.
Good luck, Rose. Expect good things to happen in this day. Keeping an open heart and mind helps with honing our healthy gut instincts.
Sometimes the healthy gut instinct guides us in leaving. If yours does, you'll be strong enough to do so when it's time. Looking at places for rent is information gathering. It gives more options if/when needed.
Good luck, Rose. Expect good things to happen in this day. Keeping an open heart and mind helps with honing our healthy gut instincts.
Sometimes the healthy gut instinct guides us in leaving. If yours does, you'll be strong enough to do so when it's time. Looking at places for rent is information gathering. It gives more options if/when needed.
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Just bumping this. I admit I stopped a little posting. Was embarrassed about the whole situation. Nothing has gotten better with the situation. In fact he’s coming home unexpectedly from a trip early. I don’t want to be around him. I don’t want him to be around us. Found a place I could rent nearby but thinking I’m scared to go. He wouldn’t do anything only maybe threaten financial control. I don’t know why I’m so
hesitant to go. It signals a big change. My parents visited and stayed with us at our house for 2 weeks. Both of them on separate occasions took me aside and said how can I deal with this behavior day in and day out? My mom said it would personally drive her crazy. I was embarrassed they saw what I see in a daily basis but I was also validated that I may not be crazy after all.
hesitant to go. It signals a big change. My parents visited and stayed with us at our house for 2 weeks. Both of them on separate occasions took me aside and said how can I deal with this behavior day in and day out? My mom said it would personally drive her crazy. I was embarrassed they saw what I see in a daily basis but I was also validated that I may not be crazy after all.
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I remember praying for signs. I prayed and prayed for years. The I realized.....God had been giving me signs for years. I was just too afraid to do anything about it.
I am glad you got validation from your parents. They were there for two weeks and you were upset they saw it. Even more upsetting I would think is your children being subjected day in and day out.
Fear is very real and it keeps us in a miserable place. It sounds like your parents would be very supportive of you.
Sending you big hugs. Eventually the pain of staying will be more than the pain of leaving and you will have enough.
I hope you have lots of face to face support as well as SR. Please don't ever be afraid to post or feel embarrassed. We have all been there at one stage or another and are here to support you, not judge you.
Big hugs.
I am glad you got validation from your parents. They were there for two weeks and you were upset they saw it. Even more upsetting I would think is your children being subjected day in and day out.
Fear is very real and it keeps us in a miserable place. It sounds like your parents would be very supportive of you.
Sending you big hugs. Eventually the pain of staying will be more than the pain of leaving and you will have enough.
I hope you have lots of face to face support as well as SR. Please don't ever be afraid to post or feel embarrassed. We have all been there at one stage or another and are here to support you, not judge you.
Big hugs.
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My therapist suggested I ask myself: "Do I trust and respect him?" The answer -- no -- helped me see the relationship I wanted wasn't possible. Also: "What's my part in this?" Came down to I picked him and chose to stay. I can always say denial and rationalization kept me stuck but it's still my responsibility. Big hug!
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Thank you for your reply. I know it’s silly but I just wish I had a big big sign from God. Like a no nonsense one with absolutely no room for interpretation expect STAY or LEAVE Rose. Oh boy. I’m alone and embarrassed but I have so much I’m super strong I could do this if I wanted. It would be breaking down every piece we put together. And im
so close. Just so close to saying bye bye. I look up to my parents so much. They saw it. They see he’s changed. No crazy behavior just obviously drink by the end of the night walking in circles daily checking up on us getting into our business. Not letting me be me. I’m pissed I feel like this. That he’s not crazy out of control drunk. He had everything put together it seems. He quote “only enjoys drinking”
My mother in law says it takes two so I don’t talk with her much about it anymore.
so close. Just so close to saying bye bye. I look up to my parents so much. They saw it. They see he’s changed. No crazy behavior just obviously drink by the end of the night walking in circles daily checking up on us getting into our business. Not letting me be me. I’m pissed I feel like this. That he’s not crazy out of control drunk. He had everything put together it seems. He quote “only enjoys drinking”
My mother in law says it takes two so I don’t talk with her much about it anymore.
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Join Date: May 2019
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I too struggle with stay/go, stay/go, looking for signs, journaling, hoping for change. I often still wonder what happened to the person I married and why, not that it really matters. Yesterday was our 38th Anniversary (meh). Yep, I got married on D-Day. The first 29 years, all in all, pretty great. The last nine, downhill from there.
I found this recently and it really resonated with me, an ancient text from the Psalms, and I thought, Oh, my goodness! That's my AH!! What a message! It opened my eyes to who he is now. Will he ever change? I don't know, but it looks like the Psalmist knew all about my AH 3,000 years ago! And for me, that just goes to prove nothing under the sun is new, at least as to an AH.
So here goes, (with a few words changed to protect the innocent lol):
"This is a message from your Higher Power about the alcoholism of your AH. There is no fear of God in his eyes. In his own eyes, he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his alcoholism. The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful. He fails to act wisely or do good. Even on his bed, he plots evil. He commits himself to an alcoholic course and does not reject what is wrong."
Oh, he's committed, all right. And yes, I'm still struggling...but at least I'm thinking just the smallest bit clearer. Baby steps I guess. Baby steps until I'm out the door.
I found this recently and it really resonated with me, an ancient text from the Psalms, and I thought, Oh, my goodness! That's my AH!! What a message! It opened my eyes to who he is now. Will he ever change? I don't know, but it looks like the Psalmist knew all about my AH 3,000 years ago! And for me, that just goes to prove nothing under the sun is new, at least as to an AH.
So here goes, (with a few words changed to protect the innocent lol):
"This is a message from your Higher Power about the alcoholism of your AH. There is no fear of God in his eyes. In his own eyes, he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his alcoholism. The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful. He fails to act wisely or do good. Even on his bed, he plots evil. He commits himself to an alcoholic course and does not reject what is wrong."
Oh, he's committed, all right. And yes, I'm still struggling...but at least I'm thinking just the smallest bit clearer. Baby steps I guess. Baby steps until I'm out the door.
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Originally Posted by Rose7788
Just bumping this. I admit I stopped a little posting. Was embarrassed about the whole situation. Nothing has gotten better with the situation. In fact he’s coming home unexpectedly from a trip early. I don’t want to be around him. I don’t want him to be around us. Found a place I could rent nearby but thinking I’m scared to go. He wouldn’t do anything only maybe threaten financial control. I don’t know why I’m so
hesitant to go. It signals a big change. My parents visited and stayed with us at our house for 2 weeks. Both of them on separate occasions took me aside and said how can I deal with this behavior day in and day out? My mom said it would personally drive her crazy. I was embarrassed they saw what I see in a daily basis but I was also validated that I may not be crazy after all.
hesitant to go. It signals a big change. My parents visited and stayed with us at our house for 2 weeks. Both of them on separate occasions took me aside and said how can I deal with this behavior day in and day out? My mom said it would personally drive her crazy. I was embarrassed they saw what I see in a daily basis but I was also validated that I may not be crazy after all.
Maybe that was a sign, your observation of your parent’s reaction?
Not sure how often they see you guys, but it makes me think back to some people from my life who I hadn’t seen in years, and the changes I observed. One ex in particular, who had substance abuse, who I saw at a wake after not seeing him for years. The difference in him from the last time I saw him was shocking (it had been about 9 years), yet the people who saw him all the time didn’t really think anything of it.
Yet with my best friend, because I talked to him all the time (he was in recovery, but then fell off the wagon and passed away last year), although I did notice changes, it wasn’t as glaring to me as it was to mutual friends who only saw him once in a while.
I think a person can become acclimated to circumstances and gradual changes, and sometimes an observation from someone who isn’t “in it” all the time, particularly who we love and trust, can jolt us into harsh reality, when we see things through their eyes. . Which can be painful- but in the long run, a good thing?
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always start with the Man in the Mirror First before anything... I do. me..
https://youtu.be/UfmdQ2VV2hs
https://youtu.be/UfmdQ2VV2hs
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I mean this in the kindest way. Your “big big sign” has already arrived & has been right in front of you... and it is from God (if that’s what you believe) -- it’s your children!
You need no other sign on the planet as to why you should leave your alcoholic, abusive husband.
Your children are absorbing everything they see. All their relationships going forward will be shaped by all they are living and seeing right now.
Leave for yourself, and for the sake of your children.
Not easy. I felt so much pain in your posts. Know that you are a strong and important woman and mother. Your life matters. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Glad you returned here. Feel no shame or embarrassment. Your story and experiences are vital for your growth, and will help many others. It takes courage to post and fight for great change! Sure, it may not happen overnight but if you want something bad enough... you’ll find the happiness, peace, and serenity you & your children so badly deserve!!
You need no other sign on the planet as to why you should leave your alcoholic, abusive husband.
Your children are absorbing everything they see. All their relationships going forward will be shaped by all they are living and seeing right now.
Leave for yourself, and for the sake of your children.
Not easy. I felt so much pain in your posts. Know that you are a strong and important woman and mother. Your life matters. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Glad you returned here. Feel no shame or embarrassment. Your story and experiences are vital for your growth, and will help many others. It takes courage to post and fight for great change! Sure, it may not happen overnight but if you want something bad enough... you’ll find the happiness, peace, and serenity you & your children so badly deserve!!
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