Blogs


Notices

DS - last night

Old 01-01-2019, 05:18 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
DS - last night

AW spent the day at the house with DD and DS (I was at work; DD is 18 y.o. and an "approved" supervisor).

Anyway, DS and I dropped AW off at an AA "pot luck" NYE gathering at a church and, then, DS and I went to buy fireworks and stuff to make s'mores.

At the grocery store, after buying the chocolate, I thought "ya know, some champagne would go nicely with this chocolate" so I turned down the liquor/wine aisle.

The second I did DS said "ugh. Drinking always drinking, Dad. Why??" Huh?? I rarely drink and haven't gotten legally drunk in several years. If I do drink alcohol, I stop at 2 drinks. Period. I may have to drive (got a 18 y.o.; or take the 4 y.o. to the hospital, etc.) I do, however, get a hankering for a glass of red wine, a good beer, or, yes, champagne on NYE.

But, it's clear to me that he's either seen AW drink or has cued into the fact that AW's absence from the house is due to drinking or, even, the arguments we've had about her drinking in the past -- probably all of the above (plus stuff I haven't even considered).

I said, "does it upset you"??

He said, "yeah. But it's fine."

I put the bottle of champagne back on the shelf.

I asked him "does that make you happier??"

He said "yes."

And we proceeded to the check out with our chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers.

MCE Saint
MCESaint is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to MCESaint For This Useful Post:
alwayscovering (01-01-2019), Bekindalways (01-01-2019), Bernadette (01-02-2019), desertgirl (01-01-2019), hopeful4 (01-02-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-01-2019), Seren (01-01-2019), SmallButMighty (01-01-2019), Surfbee (01-03-2019), trailmix (01-01-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 08:16 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 5,335
Wow. It is amazing how much kids pick up on this. I hope the chocolate was good.
Bekindalways is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Bekindalways For This Useful Post:
dandylion (01-01-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-01-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 08:46 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
His happiness matters to you and you showed this through actions. This seems like something way beyond the bottle of alcohol. It was an exchange of listening communication, of hearing your son and honoring the emotions he was having in that moment.

Validation of him, his feelings, his voice.



Mango212 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Mango212 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), dandylion (01-01-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-01-2019), Surfbee (01-03-2019), trailmix (01-01-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 09:45 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
alwayscovering's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 406
Oh I promise you, he's seen it, he knows way more than you think.

My heartbreak moment:

My DS is 10 and one night AH was acting like a raging psycho for no reason. (well he was drunk, I guess that was the reason) We were eating dinner. AH went into the bedroom and slammed the door after ranting like a crazy person and DS set his fork down and said "Soooooo I guess dad's been drinking from the blue bottle again?"

ME: ERRR?
DS: You know the one that's kinda like a triangle...when he drinks that he acts crazy and yells at you.

Trust me...he knows.
alwayscovering is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to alwayscovering For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), Bernadette (01-02-2019), dandylion (01-01-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-01-2019), trailmix (01-01-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 09:55 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 5,661
Yes we do and when I say "we" I mean children of alcoholics.

Any parent who doesn't know this is engaging in "magical thinking". I am sorry if that sounds harsh, it isn't meant to.

My Father was an alcoholic his whole life, he drank he raged he insulted he hit my Mother he hit me once. It was the whole alcoholic enchilada.

To top that off 3 of his brothers and sisters were alcoholics too (all except for one sister). So those early xmas and NY get-togethers were special.

The saving grace, in my case was that we moved overseas several times for several years so escaped the extended family dynamic (thankfully!).

All that said, we knew (we being me and my siblings) exactly what was going on we probably just didn't know why, early on. I didn't understand drinking at 3-4 probably, just knew that you had to be afraid when Dad arrived home because you never really knew "who" was arriving home. Was it the sober guy who was very aloof and rather grouchy most of the time or was it the man that would inevitably yell at my Mom for hours? No way to tell. Sometimes my Mom would send us all to our rooms if she knew (probably because he was arriving home late but this is pre-concept of time).

So yeah, we know, we may not know why, we may not know it's not normal because it is our normal but it's very destructive (short term and longer term).
trailmix is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), Bernadette (01-02-2019), dandylion (01-01-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-01-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 09:55 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 542
You are a good father.
Awal is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Awal For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), SmallButMighty (01-01-2019), trailmix (01-01-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 10:02 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 29
I have had similiar experiences with my kids. I rarely drink now. Prior to my AH spiralling out of control I loved a cold beer on a Friday summer night. Then, I made the decision over a year ago I would never drink with him. But occasionally I would have one. I tried to explain to them that not everyone that has a drink is an alcoholic, but the power of what alcohol represents is enough for them. Havent drank in quite awhile and the Friday night urge left some time ago. Now a cherry coke is my celebration drink.
CoralRose is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to CoralRose For This Useful Post:
alwayscovering (01-01-2019), Bekindalways (01-01-2019), Bernadette (01-02-2019), dandylion (01-01-2019), trailmix (01-01-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 12:49 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Blog Entries: 1
Driving in the car with my 11 year old granddaughter, Garth Brooks song “ “Unanswered Prayers” playing on the radio, when Bee turns to me and says,
“So, Asking God, to keep my auntie healthy and safe in my nighttime prayers is going to go unanswered?”

Next song, and I am out of words for the moment... I need to catch my breath...
marie1960 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to marie1960 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), hopeful4 (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-01-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 02:18 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,566
Blog Entries: 10
Not only are they aware of it, but it builds resentments. Good for you to listen to your son. Sounds like a good time...smores and fireworks...you cannot beat that!
hopeful4 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hopeful4 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-03-2019), Bernadette (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-03-2019, 01:01 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi MCESaint!

How are you doing today?
Mango212 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Mango212 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-03-2019)
Old 01-03-2019, 02:06 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,605
Blog Entries: 8
The saddest thing I've learned since participating here is how much children really do know about their parents' drinking. My own mother is an untreated ACoA, and although generally a sweet person, one of the most controlling human beings I have ever known. Her entire personality was formed due her survival skills learned growing up in an alcoholic home.

I'm glad you honored your son's discomfort. I hope you give both your kids a hug and enjoy this new year!!
Seren is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Seren For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-03-2019), hopeful4 (01-04-2019), trailmix (01-03-2019)
Old 01-03-2019, 10:08 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 5,661
Yes, you handled this beautifully. I just wanted to say that as my post above wasn't directed at you MCE, just a general comment on the topic.
trailmix is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-03-2019), hopeful4 (01-04-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)
Old 01-03-2019, 10:57 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
My kid is VERY aware of alcohol and doesn’t want it in our home. I had a bottle of sparkling wine in the fridge that a colleague had given me as a thank-you for helping with a project. Kid asked me if I was going to drink it all. I said realistically, probably not, it was probably just going to sit there going flat. Kid asked if she could get rid of it then. I said that was fine. Kid waited until I was home from work to show me that she was pouring it down the sink. I wondered if this was something she had fantasized about doing with her alcoholic father’s bottles and now could act out with me (the non-alcoholic) - she could “defeat” alcohol with me as a witness. All of which is to say that I think children of alcoholics have very complex relationship with the stuff.
Sasha1972 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sasha1972 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-03-2019), hopeful4 (01-04-2019), Zevin (01-26-2019)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:37 AM.