First time here. My sister's an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 2
First time here. My sister's an alcoholic
Hi,
My name is Coral. I'm 35 years old. My older sister is an alcoholic. She has always been a substance abuser, but she's now sunken to the level that I've only seen depicted in movies. To know me, is to know a completely normal, desperately happily married woman, who adores her husband, two children and beautiful home on Long Island. My sister is the polar opposite. She's recently had her children removed from her custody and placed with her ex-husband (their father). She had been in rehab in the spring and has already relapsed 4 times. The most recent was a two week binge during which she didn't even eat. She is living in state-funded housing, receiving food stamps and other state benefits, while my mother and I fret daily and wring our hands over Tiffany. On one hand, We can't bear to see her go down in flames. Her life has been such a tortured existence. So, my mom and I have bought her food, given her money, bought her long distance cards and minutes for a cell phone. My mother has driven from her home 6 hours away to bring my sister to court appearances, doctors appointments, etc. Because of the alcoholism, she has become unable to fight infections. She now has a fever, sores in her mouth, etc. My mom offered to send a cab for her to take her to a medical clinic a mile away. Tiffany made the appointment for the following day, and never made it...too tired. She has been told that she will probably die if she keeps this behavior up. She has already had part of her stomach removed due to a bleeding ulcer that wouldn't heal (gee, wonder why?), has been in the hospital with a host of lovely infections, but checked herself out AMA. This is a woman with a college degree, had a great job, very bright. What is a sister and mother to do? My mother's husband is a doctor and is remaining ever the clinician and is telling us, "You can't help her until she decides she wants to help herself, and if she dies, that's her choice. You've done everything you can until she admits she wants help." But then there's my husband, "She wants help, she's screaming for it by drinking. Isn't that wanting help?" I just don't know what to do,what to tell my mom, how to console her. I lie awake nights thinking of what I'll wear to my sister's funeral and should I bring my kids. I can't believe it.
While I know my stepfather is spouting the party line on dealing with alcoholics, can't get my heart around it. I'd love to hear other stories and opinions.
My name is Coral. I'm 35 years old. My older sister is an alcoholic. She has always been a substance abuser, but she's now sunken to the level that I've only seen depicted in movies. To know me, is to know a completely normal, desperately happily married woman, who adores her husband, two children and beautiful home on Long Island. My sister is the polar opposite. She's recently had her children removed from her custody and placed with her ex-husband (their father). She had been in rehab in the spring and has already relapsed 4 times. The most recent was a two week binge during which she didn't even eat. She is living in state-funded housing, receiving food stamps and other state benefits, while my mother and I fret daily and wring our hands over Tiffany. On one hand, We can't bear to see her go down in flames. Her life has been such a tortured existence. So, my mom and I have bought her food, given her money, bought her long distance cards and minutes for a cell phone. My mother has driven from her home 6 hours away to bring my sister to court appearances, doctors appointments, etc. Because of the alcoholism, she has become unable to fight infections. She now has a fever, sores in her mouth, etc. My mom offered to send a cab for her to take her to a medical clinic a mile away. Tiffany made the appointment for the following day, and never made it...too tired. She has been told that she will probably die if she keeps this behavior up. She has already had part of her stomach removed due to a bleeding ulcer that wouldn't heal (gee, wonder why?), has been in the hospital with a host of lovely infections, but checked herself out AMA. This is a woman with a college degree, had a great job, very bright. What is a sister and mother to do? My mother's husband is a doctor and is remaining ever the clinician and is telling us, "You can't help her until she decides she wants to help herself, and if she dies, that's her choice. You've done everything you can until she admits she wants help." But then there's my husband, "She wants help, she's screaming for it by drinking. Isn't that wanting help?" I just don't know what to do,what to tell my mom, how to console her. I lie awake nights thinking of what I'll wear to my sister's funeral and should I bring my kids. I can't believe it.
While I know my stepfather is spouting the party line on dealing with alcoholics, can't get my heart around it. I'd love to hear other stories and opinions.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Welcome coral, You just told the story of the FAMILY disease of alcoholism. Every one of us have been there in one way or another or we wouldn't be here at Sober Recovery seeking support and understanding.
Take a good read around the threads and you know we understand as prehaps few others can the heart break of loving someone who is dieing from alcohol/drugs addition. There are some very good suggestions and thoughts in the sticky posts at the top of this forum.
Yes, I believe your sister is crying out for help. No! I don't believe you or your mother can save her from the insidious disease of alcoholism. Everyone has a piece of the puzzle on how to help the alocohic but the biggest piece is your sisters wanting to get well herself. If she is unwilling then there really isn't anything anyone else can do but let her know that she is loved and cared about. She has a Higher Power whether she knows it or not.
The best thing your family can do is try to seek anwsers for YOU. There is help. Coming here to SR is wonderful start. You might try going to some al-anon meetings. Without the tools the 12 steps gave me and the support I got I would never have made it to this point in my journey
Do keep coming back. we're open 24/7 and will get back to you asap.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
Take a good read around the threads and you know we understand as prehaps few others can the heart break of loving someone who is dieing from alcohol/drugs addition. There are some very good suggestions and thoughts in the sticky posts at the top of this forum.
Yes, I believe your sister is crying out for help. No! I don't believe you or your mother can save her from the insidious disease of alcoholism. Everyone has a piece of the puzzle on how to help the alocohic but the biggest piece is your sisters wanting to get well herself. If she is unwilling then there really isn't anything anyone else can do but let her know that she is loved and cared about. She has a Higher Power whether she knows it or not.
The best thing your family can do is try to seek anwsers for YOU. There is help. Coming here to SR is wonderful start. You might try going to some al-anon meetings. Without the tools the 12 steps gave me and the support I got I would never have made it to this point in my journey
Do keep coming back. we're open 24/7 and will get back to you asap.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 46
My younger sister is an alcoholic (and my parents, and my husband!). She married one guy who beat her up. Divorced him. Married another alcoholic who beat her. Divorced him. Now she has 3 kids by 2 different dads. Lived with an alcoholic who beat her up. She drank every day. Used to buy vodka by the quarts several times a week. And then she'd call either me or my other sister, or my mom - drunk. Every night. Sometimes she was so drunk that she passed out while she was on the phone to us.
Many times she would say to me, "If something ever happens to me, you will take care of my kids, won't you." I was so sick of her calling me drunk, and so sick of her never taking responsibility for herself and her own messes that I always told her no. I had raised my own two kids and I wasn't going to take hers because she was too irresponsible. I know that sounds really harsh. I didn't take them in, either, by the way.
She wound up with her first DUI after she rear ended a parked pick up truck with the tail gate down. Broke the windshield with her head, the whole nine yards. Paid the fine, lost her license for however many days. Still she drank. She got beat up so bad that she finally decided to leave and move from Wisconsin to Colorado where she had a stroke at age 44. Doctors couldn't determine what caused it but knew that she drank excessively, smoked, and had recently been strangled which they guess might have torn her carotid artery. A blood clot may have let loose, causing the stroke, but they don't know. She was as skinny as a stick with low blood pressure (malnourished, I'm sure due to alcoholism). She came back to Wisconsin, moved back in with the guy who beat her up! Got another DUI, tried to commit suicide. FINALLY hit bottom and is now 2 or 3 years sober.
The point is, your step-father is right. No matter what any of our family tried to do for my sister, she kept drinking and making the wrong choices until she hit rock bottom. And I thought about what I would wear to her funeral, too. In fact, the night she tried to commit suicide, she had been invited to a party at my house. When she didn't show up, I suspected she might be up to no good. But I had decided that if she chose to kill herself, that was HER choice. She was so used to people coming in to mop up all her messes that she had to get somewhere where no one else could help her before she figured it out.
I refuse to get caught up in other people's messes. I must take responsibility for my actions and suffer the consequences of them and I am tired of that bunch of people that expects someone else to do everything for them - including get them out of scrapes they get into. Drinking is a self-inflicted disease. Yes, it causes very physical symptoms, but unless the alcoholic was tied to a chair and forced to consume it, they brought it on by themselves. They have to determine what kind of consequences they will live with. You get to choose how much of the chaos her drinking causes that you will live with, too.
In the meantime, you can pray for your sister. Help her in whatever ways you feel comfortable with. But don't beat yourself up for what a mess her life has become.
Sorry if I sound mean and uncompassionate. I wouldn't be that way if I hadn't lived with so many people that choose to be alcoholics.
SJW
Many times she would say to me, "If something ever happens to me, you will take care of my kids, won't you." I was so sick of her calling me drunk, and so sick of her never taking responsibility for herself and her own messes that I always told her no. I had raised my own two kids and I wasn't going to take hers because she was too irresponsible. I know that sounds really harsh. I didn't take them in, either, by the way.
She wound up with her first DUI after she rear ended a parked pick up truck with the tail gate down. Broke the windshield with her head, the whole nine yards. Paid the fine, lost her license for however many days. Still she drank. She got beat up so bad that she finally decided to leave and move from Wisconsin to Colorado where she had a stroke at age 44. Doctors couldn't determine what caused it but knew that she drank excessively, smoked, and had recently been strangled which they guess might have torn her carotid artery. A blood clot may have let loose, causing the stroke, but they don't know. She was as skinny as a stick with low blood pressure (malnourished, I'm sure due to alcoholism). She came back to Wisconsin, moved back in with the guy who beat her up! Got another DUI, tried to commit suicide. FINALLY hit bottom and is now 2 or 3 years sober.
The point is, your step-father is right. No matter what any of our family tried to do for my sister, she kept drinking and making the wrong choices until she hit rock bottom. And I thought about what I would wear to her funeral, too. In fact, the night she tried to commit suicide, she had been invited to a party at my house. When she didn't show up, I suspected she might be up to no good. But I had decided that if she chose to kill herself, that was HER choice. She was so used to people coming in to mop up all her messes that she had to get somewhere where no one else could help her before she figured it out.
I refuse to get caught up in other people's messes. I must take responsibility for my actions and suffer the consequences of them and I am tired of that bunch of people that expects someone else to do everything for them - including get them out of scrapes they get into. Drinking is a self-inflicted disease. Yes, it causes very physical symptoms, but unless the alcoholic was tied to a chair and forced to consume it, they brought it on by themselves. They have to determine what kind of consequences they will live with. You get to choose how much of the chaos her drinking causes that you will live with, too.
In the meantime, you can pray for your sister. Help her in whatever ways you feel comfortable with. But don't beat yourself up for what a mess her life has become.
Sorry if I sound mean and uncompassionate. I wouldn't be that way if I hadn't lived with so many people that choose to be alcoholics.
SJW
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Coral,
Welcome to SR. Alcoholism is a devestating disease, not just for the alcoholic, but the one's who love them. Of course we want to help them. We love them. But when it causes our lives chaos, pain, and frustration, we have to find a way to deal with it in a better way.
Al-Anon is a program that gives families tools to find healing and serenity in the face of a loved ones seemingly self destructive behaviors. I have found the support and teaching very helpful. There is also counselling, and self help books available to give us ways to cope. This site is a great place to share, find understanding, and support.
There are no easy answers. If someone finds a way to "fix" alcoholism they will make a mint. But it is only the alcoholic who can find their way to recovery. No amount of pleading, bargaining, shaming, or reasoning can make them better. All we can do is find our own peace with it, and deal with it in the best manner that we are capable of.
Please feel free to come here, read, post, or reply. There is a lot of support and understanding here for us who love an alcoholic. Hugs, Magic
Welcome to SR. Alcoholism is a devestating disease, not just for the alcoholic, but the one's who love them. Of course we want to help them. We love them. But when it causes our lives chaos, pain, and frustration, we have to find a way to deal with it in a better way.
Al-Anon is a program that gives families tools to find healing and serenity in the face of a loved ones seemingly self destructive behaviors. I have found the support and teaching very helpful. There is also counselling, and self help books available to give us ways to cope. This site is a great place to share, find understanding, and support.
There are no easy answers. If someone finds a way to "fix" alcoholism they will make a mint. But it is only the alcoholic who can find their way to recovery. No amount of pleading, bargaining, shaming, or reasoning can make them better. All we can do is find our own peace with it, and deal with it in the best manner that we are capable of.
Please feel free to come here, read, post, or reply. There is a lot of support and understanding here for us who love an alcoholic. Hugs, Magic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 2
Thank you all, for your words of encouragement and wisdom. I never realized how one person's choices can have such an impact on the people around her, without much contact. There was a time this summer when my sister was practically homeless and I was calling a grocery store and having food and other necessities delivered to my sister. She had been living with my father and stepmother (with whom I have no contact at all) for over 6 years with her two boys. The stepmother is a prescription drug addict who is a NYC school vice principal. She gets her meds on the Internet. My sister had no job in six years and had divorced her husband. The boys are now 8 and 11. Her sons were removed from her custody (thanks to an "anonymous" call to Children's services) and placed with the father, who had since remarried. Without the kids, the father and stepmother saw no reason to let her stay with them anymore and kicked her out. All the while, my sister must have only supervised visits with the children. If she wants to see them, she must do so under the supervision of her father, who had kicked her out and has treated her lately like garbage. Pardon the language, but he's a real bastard.
On some level, I can almost understand her drinking. Hell, what would I do in the same position? Her life was just flushed down the crapper. That's just a little more background on the situation.
Thanks all, for being there.
On some level, I can almost understand her drinking. Hell, what would I do in the same position? Her life was just flushed down the crapper. That's just a little more background on the situation.
Thanks all, for being there.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Coral, You have a safe place here on SR to share how you feel, something we all need from time to time. I can hear the compassion you have for your sister in your post. That's why it's so hard for those of us who watch this insidious disease. One minute I can be just ragingly anger with them and then compassion sets in. I need all the healthy tools I can get to keep things in a healthy balance so I don't go down emotionally.
Keep coming back, keep reading and posting it helps.
Smile someone loves you!
Keep coming back, keep reading and posting it helps.
Smile someone loves you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Mexico MO
Posts: 2
My Heart Goes Out to You
Things seem to be getting worse, and I didn't know who to turn to, so I went to Google and typed in "my sister is an alcoholic." Your forum was the first site that came up, Coral. I am so glad that I read your post.
My sister is in the early stages of alcoholism--her life is just beginning to fall to pieces. But your story is so similar to what has been taking place so far, I am afraid that if I do not intervene--if I don't do something--she will hit rock bottom just like your sister has.
I read all every single thread, and the general consensus seems to be that nothing can be done unless she chooses to help herself. All of you sound very wise, so please don't be offended... I am a die-hard optimist, and I don't want to accept "no" for an answer. I have lost a friend and a family member to suicide. And I refuse to let the same thing happen to my sister. The problems she experiences due to her alcoholism cause her to be severely depressed and she has told me repeatedly that she has thoughts of suicide.
Surely, there must be something I can do to prevent this from ever happening...right? Can I have her commited to a psychiatric institution, at least temporarily, until she sobers up? What about those intervention shows they have on tv? Isn't there anything I can do?
The only thing I know how to do is to just keep loving her as hard as I can. I can tell that you love your sister the same? Is love truly not enough?
My sister is in the early stages of alcoholism--her life is just beginning to fall to pieces. But your story is so similar to what has been taking place so far, I am afraid that if I do not intervene--if I don't do something--she will hit rock bottom just like your sister has.
I read all every single thread, and the general consensus seems to be that nothing can be done unless she chooses to help herself. All of you sound very wise, so please don't be offended... I am a die-hard optimist, and I don't want to accept "no" for an answer. I have lost a friend and a family member to suicide. And I refuse to let the same thing happen to my sister. The problems she experiences due to her alcoholism cause her to be severely depressed and she has told me repeatedly that she has thoughts of suicide.
Surely, there must be something I can do to prevent this from ever happening...right? Can I have her commited to a psychiatric institution, at least temporarily, until she sobers up? What about those intervention shows they have on tv? Isn't there anything I can do?
The only thing I know how to do is to just keep loving her as hard as I can. I can tell that you love your sister the same? Is love truly not enough?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
The only thing I know how to do is to just keep loving her as hard as I can. I can tell that you love your sister the same? Is love truly not enough?
I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering because your sister is an alcoholic. You must learn to take care of you.
I notice that Coral only posted twice, and that was in 2004.
I am very glad you found this forum PixieChick, and there is much experience, hope and strength to be gained here.
Will you read the stickies at the top of the forum? They could be helpful to you on your journey.
Thank you for sharing your story,
Beth
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Surely, there must be something I can do to prevent this from ever happening...right? Can I have her commited to a psychiatric institution, at least temporarily, until she sobers up? What about those intervention shows they have on tv? Isn't there anything I can do?
You can try an intervention, my suggestion would be to ask at your local AA meetings about that, they are the experts after all. But, nothing and I mean nothing will stop an alcoholic or an addict from drinking or drugging until they decide they're ready to stop.
Nothing.
(old thread - drat)
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi coral and welcome to SoberRecovery!!
I'm glad you found us - and now - you're not alone.
You may not even know what that really means just yet
but trust me -
you're going to really appreciate it when the time comes.
one thing you wrote :
How prepared are you for that?
Is there a recovery gropu near you -
my recommendation is RUN to the next meeting.
Be standing there when they come to unlock the door.
I think you will benefit in a big way
from the 3-D support offered
and given freely
in Al-anon.
Your sister sounds lie she's going to play the role
of the 'failure' or 'black sheep of the family'
to the death...or till the fat lady sings.
My own sister
is bi polar alcoholic *place problem label here*
And I speak from experience when I tell you
get people around you that will help you and guide yuou
until you get our footing.
We can always hope for the best
but a survivor
prepares for the worst at the same time.
Again welcome to SR
I hope you make great friends ehre and find what you are looking for
or at least find out where to go... to get it...
I'm glad you found us - and now - you're not alone.
You may not even know what that really means just yet
but trust me -
you're going to really appreciate it when the time comes.
one thing you wrote :
She has been told that she will probably die if she keeps this behavior up.
Is there a recovery gropu near you -
my recommendation is RUN to the next meeting.
Be standing there when they come to unlock the door.
I think you will benefit in a big way
from the 3-D support offered
and given freely
in Al-anon.
Your sister sounds lie she's going to play the role
of the 'failure' or 'black sheep of the family'
to the death...or till the fat lady sings.
My own sister
is bi polar alcoholic *place problem label here*
And I speak from experience when I tell you
get people around you that will help you and guide yuou
until you get our footing.
We can always hope for the best
but a survivor
prepares for the worst at the same time.
Again welcome to SR
I hope you make great friends ehre and find what you are looking for
or at least find out where to go... to get it...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Coral,
I am sorry you are in such pain. I wonder if I were to read between the lines, I would see "survivor guilt". If I'm on to something, it has no place here.
I believe that sooner or later you will come to understand that you haven't done very much to help your sister by sending food and supplies.
Think of this:
Remember the little girl "Clara" in the story Heidi? Clara was pampered by her parents and servants, and only when she was challenged to put down her crutches was she able to stand, and also walk.
If you could try for a shift in perspective, you might see that perhaps you and mother are helping to keep your sister weak by providing for her that which she can find on her own. It's a bold move, and one that requires great trust and determination.
But it what we all (here) believe is what must happen. You see, if the bottle is her crutch, why oh why would she ever willingly put it down, when she has a soft cushion to fall upon?
Please keep coming to this fourm. There is a lot of experience here.
I am sorry you are in such pain. I wonder if I were to read between the lines, I would see "survivor guilt". If I'm on to something, it has no place here.
I believe that sooner or later you will come to understand that you haven't done very much to help your sister by sending food and supplies.
Think of this:
Remember the little girl "Clara" in the story Heidi? Clara was pampered by her parents and servants, and only when she was challenged to put down her crutches was she able to stand, and also walk.
If you could try for a shift in perspective, you might see that perhaps you and mother are helping to keep your sister weak by providing for her that which she can find on her own. It's a bold move, and one that requires great trust and determination.
But it what we all (here) believe is what must happen. You see, if the bottle is her crutch, why oh why would she ever willingly put it down, when she has a soft cushion to fall upon?
Please keep coming to this fourm. There is a lot of experience here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: arkansas
Posts: 1
sad
Today is a tough day. I miss my sister. I am in my 30's and my older sister is an alcoholic. The circumstances are strange...she just started drinking 4 years ago and heavily the past year. I saw her last year and she was happy and then at her 2nd wedding she wasn't. She has a lot of resentment but we've cut ties off with her and it's been 3 months. Holidays will be hard, we are a close family.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sad nurse, I'm so sorry for your pain,. There is lots of wonderful support here - Hope you will stick around and read and share. You may want to start your own post and introduce yourself - It's a good way for others here to get to know you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It is so very hard for me to do nothing when it comes to my very disturbed, alcoholic brother when I know how painful it is for my mother.
I have another brother who is a recovering drug addict who I thought for sure would DIE when I cut him completely out of my life several years ago. Looking back now I realize one of my biggest mistakes was remaining involved with, listening to, and trying to help him for as long as I did. Because as long as anyone did that, his sick, addicted mindset was just validated. Somehow too I think that he likely believed that we could help him. Because the problem in his mind was never the drinking or the drugging, it was always something or someone that caused the "current" issue. What I mean is, the smaller problems and addressing them, become the focus, and serve to distract from the REAL (larger) problem which is the drinking or drugging. When you stop giving them fodder for the distraction, they have nothing left to blame. It's like staying in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic or addict. All the while you think you are in a relationship, they are using you and the relationship to blame and dramatize and create chaos and distraction from their problem. Everything and everyone is used, including lovely little sweet and caring moms.
This disease truly sucks. Your mom's husband is right. And I suggest AlAnon. God bless and take care.
I have another brother who is a recovering drug addict who I thought for sure would DIE when I cut him completely out of my life several years ago. Looking back now I realize one of my biggest mistakes was remaining involved with, listening to, and trying to help him for as long as I did. Because as long as anyone did that, his sick, addicted mindset was just validated. Somehow too I think that he likely believed that we could help him. Because the problem in his mind was never the drinking or the drugging, it was always something or someone that caused the "current" issue. What I mean is, the smaller problems and addressing them, become the focus, and serve to distract from the REAL (larger) problem which is the drinking or drugging. When you stop giving them fodder for the distraction, they have nothing left to blame. It's like staying in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic or addict. All the while you think you are in a relationship, they are using you and the relationship to blame and dramatize and create chaos and distraction from their problem. Everything and everyone is used, including lovely little sweet and caring moms.
This disease truly sucks. Your mom's husband is right. And I suggest AlAnon. God bless and take care.
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