It's been a long time...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
It's been a long time...
Two years ago, this was my safe haven. Somewhere I could go and talk and not feel judged, scared, or embarassed. The Al-Anon groups I attended were similar, but something about the anonymity of cyberspace offered an extra security blanket for me, and it gave me the strength and courage to deal with myself and my life with an ah.
One of my biggest problems was that I am a codie with a capital C. I found myself transferring that from my ah to here. I looked forward to trying to "fix" things for those here. Hmm, go figure!!! LOL! While my intentions were good, having been through so much myself I felt I had a lot to share. And maybe someone would find solace in knowing they were not alone. But I needed to focus on me, my family, and my side of the fence.
Well, I'm back.
Things have been pretty darn good for a while. Our marriage became stronger than ever. We worked through a lot of issues we both had. Ah was still an occasional drinker, up until about 2 months ago when his job transferred him out of town. He found his comfort back in the bottle. He moved yesterday to his new job location. Now he and Jim Beam are shacking up.
I feel like it's going to start all over again. Or maybe it never really ended. I find myself cringing, fearing a repeat of the disaster that was our marriage a few years ago. I'm scared scared scared. I want to remind him how bad he knows it is to go back to that, he knows, but it's not my job to mommy him. I need to think about boundaries again? I need to detach again? I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE AGAIN!!! AGAIN!!!! AGAIN!!! NOT AGAIN!!!
One of my biggest problems was that I am a codie with a capital C. I found myself transferring that from my ah to here. I looked forward to trying to "fix" things for those here. Hmm, go figure!!! LOL! While my intentions were good, having been through so much myself I felt I had a lot to share. And maybe someone would find solace in knowing they were not alone. But I needed to focus on me, my family, and my side of the fence.
Well, I'm back.
Things have been pretty darn good for a while. Our marriage became stronger than ever. We worked through a lot of issues we both had. Ah was still an occasional drinker, up until about 2 months ago when his job transferred him out of town. He found his comfort back in the bottle. He moved yesterday to his new job location. Now he and Jim Beam are shacking up.
I feel like it's going to start all over again. Or maybe it never really ended. I find myself cringing, fearing a repeat of the disaster that was our marriage a few years ago. I'm scared scared scared. I want to remind him how bad he knows it is to go back to that, he knows, but it's not my job to mommy him. I need to think about boundaries again? I need to detach again? I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE AGAIN!!! AGAIN!!!! AGAIN!!! NOT AGAIN!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hello Juju, welcome back. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I'm not sorry to see you again!
There's some good news and hope in your post. It's not your first time here, and you know how it works. We're here to hold your hand thru the scary parts, and to point you in the right direction of resources that will help you in your recovery.
It took me awhile to learn that it's a process... it was a lifestyle change for me - this recovery way of living life. When you go back to the first step and remember those things you're powerless over, it begins again.
Hugs. I'm glad you came back.
There's some good news and hope in your post. It's not your first time here, and you know how it works. We're here to hold your hand thru the scary parts, and to point you in the right direction of resources that will help you in your recovery.
It took me awhile to learn that it's a process... it was a lifestyle change for me - this recovery way of living life. When you go back to the first step and remember those things you're powerless over, it begins again.
Hugs. I'm glad you came back.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for sharing an update.
Feel free to make yourself at home by meeting the newbies and sharing your ES&H (experience, strength & hope).
I'm sorry that the bottle has brought you back to the forum.
Yet, I'm happy that you knew where to go to find support for YOU!
We're here to support you!
YOU are important!
Feel free to make yourself at home by meeting the newbies and sharing your ES&H (experience, strength & hope).
I'm sorry that the bottle has brought you back to the forum.
Yet, I'm happy that you knew where to go to find support for YOU!
We're here to support you!
YOU are important!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
juju
I have also flowed in and out of SR. When things were going well, I would feel that I really didn't need it anymore so I would drift away. And then drift back when things got rough. It took me a while to understand that sticking around SR helps to keep my own recovery as a priority.
Although I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you back to SR..........welcome back.
gentle hugs
I have also flowed in and out of SR. When things were going well, I would feel that I really didn't need it anymore so I would drift away. And then drift back when things got rough. It took me a while to understand that sticking around SR helps to keep my own recovery as a priority.
Although I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you back to SR..........welcome back.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Sorry to hear.
You can make your statements without that being mommying him.
It is OK to state what you dont want.
It is OK to state it to yourself, first, then to us, here at SR>
I hear you, juju. You are saying you do not want to GO BACK to that old crappy life.
I hear you say you are scared.
Do you love him enough to go back there?
Do you love him at any cost to you and your sanity?
You are allowed to make a statement to him.
Maybe something like
"I am feeling anxiety about the increased alcohol consumption. I really do not want that level of consumption in MY life." And if you get stronger, and ONLY if you can back up your statement..
"I am unwilling to accept that...So you need to reel it in or make other plans."
You can make your statements without that being mommying him.
It is OK to state what you dont want.
It is OK to state it to yourself, first, then to us, here at SR>
I hear you, juju. You are saying you do not want to GO BACK to that old crappy life.
I hear you say you are scared.
Do you love him enough to go back there?
Do you love him at any cost to you and your sanity?
You are allowed to make a statement to him.
Maybe something like
"I am feeling anxiety about the increased alcohol consumption. I really do not want that level of consumption in MY life." And if you get stronger, and ONLY if you can back up your statement..
"I am unwilling to accept that...So you need to reel it in or make other plans."
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hey juju
so glad you felt safe enough to come back here when you needed help, but hate that circumstances brought you back.
Honey there is good news here - You may be back in the familiar situation but YOU ARE NOT THE SAME - You are wiser, stronger and more prepared for this!!
You and Your HP are closer and can have a "game plan" to know what to do to take good care of YOU.
You have healthy communication skills to voice your thoughts and concerns without being controlling, belittling or mean.
You are wise and strong enough to set boundaries without building walls.
and
You know that you can do all of this at your own pace. . .watching for the guidance from your HP as to what is healthy and best for you!
Deep Breath, relax and remember no matter what You & YOUR GOD are going to be ok - even better than ok!
Ain't gonna be easy but remember you have already done this before & came out ok - you can do it again!!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
so glad you felt safe enough to come back here when you needed help, but hate that circumstances brought you back.
Honey there is good news here - You may be back in the familiar situation but YOU ARE NOT THE SAME - You are wiser, stronger and more prepared for this!!
You and Your HP are closer and can have a "game plan" to know what to do to take good care of YOU.
You have healthy communication skills to voice your thoughts and concerns without being controlling, belittling or mean.
You are wise and strong enough to set boundaries without building walls.
and
You know that you can do all of this at your own pace. . .watching for the guidance from your HP as to what is healthy and best for you!
Deep Breath, relax and remember no matter what You & YOUR GOD are going to be ok - even better than ok!
Ain't gonna be easy but remember you have already done this before & came out ok - you can do it again!!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Juju you wrote "I feel like it's going to start all over again. Or maybe it never really ended. I find myself cringing, fearing a repeat of the disaster that was our marriage a few years ago. I'm scared scared scared. I want to remind him how bad he knows it is to go back to that, he knows, but it's not my job to mommy him. I need to think about boundaries again? I need to detach again? I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE AGAIN!!! AGAIN!!!! AGAIN!!! NOT AGAIN!!!"
I understand your frustrated mixture of emotions all TOO well. I am a codependent, currently in a 39 year marriage with a dry drunk husband. For over sixteen years of our marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA or any other recovery program. He has had a couple relapses since. Right now he is a dry drunk, and I am starting to go crazy!
I suffered a massive stroke in DEC and by the time I was taken to the hospital my organs were failing. I suffered vascular dementia from DEC 23rd 2009 until JAN 8th 2010, and almost died. There are no drugs currently approved by the FDA to treat it. It was only through the grace of God that I survived! I have no memory of the stroke or anything until JAN 8th. I stayed in the hospital for about four weeks, including my rehab. I suffer from immobility and difficulty with my short-term memory recall. My DDH just wasn't there for me! For about the last three months I have been in individual therapy, anti-depressants and numerous other medicines. I am working my codependent recovery program, and using SR for support. I feel that each day I'm regaining my physical and emotional strength.
So Juju I really do understand what you must be going through!
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I understand your frustrated mixture of emotions all TOO well. I am a codependent, currently in a 39 year marriage with a dry drunk husband. For over sixteen years of our marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA or any other recovery program. He has had a couple relapses since. Right now he is a dry drunk, and I am starting to go crazy!
I suffered a massive stroke in DEC and by the time I was taken to the hospital my organs were failing. I suffered vascular dementia from DEC 23rd 2009 until JAN 8th 2010, and almost died. There are no drugs currently approved by the FDA to treat it. It was only through the grace of God that I survived! I have no memory of the stroke or anything until JAN 8th. I stayed in the hospital for about four weeks, including my rehab. I suffer from immobility and difficulty with my short-term memory recall. My DDH just wasn't there for me! For about the last three months I have been in individual therapy, anti-depressants and numerous other medicines. I am working my codependent recovery program, and using SR for support. I feel that each day I'm regaining my physical and emotional strength.
So Juju I really do understand what you must be going through!
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