Two Issues... leads to big problem
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Two Issues... leads to big problem
I have only two issues with my wife of over 30 years.
BG - kids grown and out of house.. successful in their careers. W and I worked together our entire marriage in our own company. She didn't drink until 40 Years old. She gets hostile when drunk, verbal, emotional and physical abuser. At 45 years old I gave her an ultimatum: stop drinking and be nicer to people of we divorce. She stopped cold turkey for 5 years. (Little did I know she switched to pain killers.) 2 years ago she had a family crisis and began drinking again and hostile when drunk... has lost several family relationships due to her out bursts. *** she had an affair 7 years into our marriage. Had an 12 year emotional affair with gay co-worker 7 years later. Had short emotional affair with a different gay ex co-worker 7 years after last one ended. Began another just last year when she joined AA which I discovered and asked her to stop it... she did. She did 90 in 90 and then decided she could drink moderately. You know how this turned out.
Current situation: She goes to bars, restaurants and hotels to drink. She sometimes buys a bottle and carries it in her purse drinking outside or in the house secretly. Sometimes when drunk she is extremely abusive especially if she is stressed or I say anything to set her off. Last month she called the police after she attacked me. I held her from hitting me, left the house. 15 minutes later she called saying i was abusing her right then. I did not get arrested. They knew she was drunk and i was defending myself.
I have asked for two things of her personally and in marriage counseling - no drinking and no opposite sex friendships.
She refuses both. She confides in her divorced AA girlfriends for advice (most of whom are still drinking) and has now started an in house separation which will probably lead to divorce. She has given us 6 months to see if I will change (eyeballs roll).
My kids have suggested I go for jealousy counseling and they will do an intervention with her of some sort after the holidays.
Thoughts?
BG - kids grown and out of house.. successful in their careers. W and I worked together our entire marriage in our own company. She didn't drink until 40 Years old. She gets hostile when drunk, verbal, emotional and physical abuser. At 45 years old I gave her an ultimatum: stop drinking and be nicer to people of we divorce. She stopped cold turkey for 5 years. (Little did I know she switched to pain killers.) 2 years ago she had a family crisis and began drinking again and hostile when drunk... has lost several family relationships due to her out bursts. *** she had an affair 7 years into our marriage. Had an 12 year emotional affair with gay co-worker 7 years later. Had short emotional affair with a different gay ex co-worker 7 years after last one ended. Began another just last year when she joined AA which I discovered and asked her to stop it... she did. She did 90 in 90 and then decided she could drink moderately. You know how this turned out.
Current situation: She goes to bars, restaurants and hotels to drink. She sometimes buys a bottle and carries it in her purse drinking outside or in the house secretly. Sometimes when drunk she is extremely abusive especially if she is stressed or I say anything to set her off. Last month she called the police after she attacked me. I held her from hitting me, left the house. 15 minutes later she called saying i was abusing her right then. I did not get arrested. They knew she was drunk and i was defending myself.
I have asked for two things of her personally and in marriage counseling - no drinking and no opposite sex friendships.
She refuses both. She confides in her divorced AA girlfriends for advice (most of whom are still drinking) and has now started an in house separation which will probably lead to divorce. She has given us 6 months to see if I will change (eyeballs roll).
My kids have suggested I go for jealousy counseling and they will do an intervention with her of some sort after the holidays.
Thoughts?
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 66
Additional info - I have attended Al Anon for this past year. I find it nearly impossible to ignore her drinking. Please no offense intended, I find Al Anon a drinkers *** dream.... let them drink. I can't accept that but still attend meetings.
Last edited by Seren; 12-05-2018 at 01:45 AM. Reason: Rule 9: If it should not be viewed by minors...Family Friendly Rule
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You may not be able to accept the "let them drink" philosophy my friend, but what is the alternative? You cannot control another person. She won't stop until she is ready.
She seems to be very clear about what she is and isn't willing to do to protect the relationship. What are you willing to do to protect yourself?
She seems to be very clear about what she is and isn't willing to do to protect the relationship. What are you willing to do to protect yourself?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I agree that you cannot control her at all. The best predictor of future behavior is...past behavior. I don't know about "jealousy" counseling in that you will be insecure since she has a past. I do however think counseling for anyone going through a hard time is a wonderful idea. I would make sure it is with a counselor who is familiar with helping families deal with addiction. Not for her, but for your own sanity! It was a wonderful help to me. I would not expect much out of some intervention that your children plan for her, but it would not hurt to try I guess.
Keep coming back, SR is a place of great support!
Keep coming back, SR is a place of great support!
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
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Emotional affairs are very damaging. Right up there with physical affairs. I have been guilty of both.
What are you getting out of this relationship? It does not sound like a good environment to live in every day. She thinks you should change? Lighten up? stop being so jealous? yet she sees no problem in her behaviour? She wants a divorce, maybe this relationship is over. What are you losing? Write it on paper. Only you know what you can stand. Is not being alone better than living with an abusive drunk who thinks you are a stick in the mud?
What are you getting out of this relationship? It does not sound like a good environment to live in every day. She thinks you should change? Lighten up? stop being so jealous? yet she sees no problem in her behaviour? She wants a divorce, maybe this relationship is over. What are you losing? Write it on paper. Only you know what you can stand. Is not being alone better than living with an abusive drunk who thinks you are a stick in the mud?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. This isn't about her drinking as much as it is about her character. Looks to me like she really isn't interested in changing her thinking or behavior.
There's an old AA cliché that goes "Alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages." You can't control what she does. Only what you do. If you're not getting out of this relationship what you're putting into it, is it worth the chaos and misery?
There's an old AA cliché that goes "Alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages." You can't control what she does. Only what you do. If you're not getting out of this relationship what you're putting into it, is it worth the chaos and misery?
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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The situation as it stands now is an in house separation in a one bedroom apartment. We moved my old mother to live next door to us to care for her late 90's and doing well. Both our leases are up this summer. Both rents are too high. If my W and I split up, I could not afford to stay here but I could put up a temp wall creating a second bedroom and move mom in and care for her till her end. W will have to find a less nice place and get a full time job. Our current income couldn't support each separately.
I don't want the marriage to end for family and financial reasons, and I am still crazy in love with the woman. She is a wonderful person to everyone but me.
I understand that I cannot control her. I want her to control herself. She is acting like a spoiled teenager and is putting her selfish desires to drink and have gay friends ahead of my wishes and the marriage.
I can only see divorce at this point but would rather not.
The more I write and read your replies the more I know what will happen... I'm just venting.
I don't want the marriage to end for family and financial reasons, and I am still crazy in love with the woman. She is a wonderful person to everyone but me.
I understand that I cannot control her. I want her to control herself. She is acting like a spoiled teenager and is putting her selfish desires to drink and have gay friends ahead of my wishes and the marriage.
I can only see divorce at this point but would rather not.
The more I write and read your replies the more I know what will happen... I'm just venting.
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Location: Chicago
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Vent away, my friend. None of this is easy or simple.
Things became clearer for me when I accepted that *I* was the one who had a problem with my ex-boyfriend's drinking, not him. Despite lots of terrible consequences, he was okay with the status quo. If I wanted things to change, I had to be the one to change them.
Things became clearer for me when I accepted that *I* was the one who had a problem with my ex-boyfriend's drinking, not him. Despite lots of terrible consequences, he was okay with the status quo. If I wanted things to change, I had to be the one to change them.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
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Vent away.
"Please don't take offense" doesn't make something rude "non-offensive".
Al-anon solves nothing. Going to meetings solves nothing. Us making use of any program (Al-anon/AA) or support system such as SR can enable us to make a difference in our own recovery. Getting a sponsor and working the steps brings clarity, recovery skills and new viewpoints for many people. It's not the only path to healing from this family disease of alcoholism.
One day at a time.
Abuse in a household is a separate issue, even as it's often entangled with other things. Reaching out to domestic violence help centers can be a great step in healing.
"Please don't take offense" doesn't make something rude "non-offensive".
Al-anon solves nothing. Going to meetings solves nothing. Us making use of any program (Al-anon/AA) or support system such as SR can enable us to make a difference in our own recovery. Getting a sponsor and working the steps brings clarity, recovery skills and new viewpoints for many people. It's not the only path to healing from this family disease of alcoholism.
One day at a time.
Abuse in a household is a separate issue, even as it's often entangled with other things. Reaching out to domestic violence help centers can be a great step in healing.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Not exactly sure how an in house separation in a one bedroom apartment could help either one of you except maybe financially but with a great big emotional toll on you.
I know you said you don’t want a divorce but it may be a good idea to talk with an attorney to find out exactly what you may be looking at should she pull that trigger. At least you would be more prepared for what financial obligations if any you might be looking at. Has she worked in the past? What about assets, 401’s, pensions, stocks etc. Who is your elderly mothers prime caregiver? Lots of factors along with divorce laws in your state that can be shocking.
I know you said you don’t want a divorce but it may be a good idea to talk with an attorney to find out exactly what you may be looking at should she pull that trigger. At least you would be more prepared for what financial obligations if any you might be looking at. Has she worked in the past? What about assets, 401’s, pensions, stocks etc. Who is your elderly mothers prime caregiver? Lots of factors along with divorce laws in your state that can be shocking.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
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Sorry you are going through this, sounds like an impossible situation but you should turn your focus on you and what will make you happy and not what she is doing. That was my aha moment to get out. I didn’t want to divorce either but spent all my energy on his ill behavior and hoping things would get better or made excuses for him, it was incredibly exhausting and depressing. A partnership builds its foundation on trust and doesn’t sound like you have much of that.
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Not exactly sure how an in house separation in a one bedroom apartment could help either one of you except maybe financially but with a great big emotional toll on you.
I know you said you don’t want a divorce but it may be a good idea to talk with an attorney to find out exactly what you may be looking at should she pull that trigger. At least you would be more prepared for what financial obligations if any you might be looking at. Has she worked in the past? What about assets, 401’s, pensions, stocks etc. Who is your elderly mothers prime caregiver? Lots of factors along with divorce laws in your state that can be shocking.
I know you said you don’t want a divorce but it may be a good idea to talk with an attorney to find out exactly what you may be looking at should she pull that trigger. At least you would be more prepared for what financial obligations if any you might be looking at. Has she worked in the past? What about assets, 401’s, pensions, stocks etc. Who is your elderly mothers prime caregiver? Lots of factors along with divorce laws in your state that can be shocking.
I am primary caregiver to mom but at this point she is quite self sufficient. Its too bad as W was a fabulous care giver. (just not to me these days).
Tonight I got home late to find her sleeping on LR couch. At least I got the bedroom with the king sized bed with peace and quiet! Small favors.
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Saw my therapist today who said my "jealousy" issues were actually PTSD getting triggered because of our past experiences with infidelity.
I don't think I healed from her first one and the other EA's just added to the stressors.
What's bothering me the most is that she is telling all her friends that I am a domestic abuser. What a freakin joke... but they all hate their ex husbands who obviously were abusers too... so I guess i must be one!
At moments I think she is just posturing to get me to back off not really planning on pulling any trigger thinking I am too chicken to drop papers on her. This is one dangerous game because if I really feel that she no longer cares about me or the marriage I end it.
And she will come out on the short stick.
I don't think I healed from her first one and the other EA's just added to the stressors.
What's bothering me the most is that she is telling all her friends that I am a domestic abuser. What a freakin joke... but they all hate their ex husbands who obviously were abusers too... so I guess i must be one!
At moments I think she is just posturing to get me to back off not really planning on pulling any trigger thinking I am too chicken to drop papers on her. This is one dangerous game because if I really feel that she no longer cares about me or the marriage I end it.
And she will come out on the short stick.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
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I posted recently about filing for divorce. I too have a lot to lose. I make more money, so I would have to give him alimony, half my retirement, etc. It hurt because I work so hard, and initially it was one of the things that held me back from filing for divorce. Fast-forward 12 years into his addiction and I really don't care what it costs or what I lose. I'm willing to give him anything he asks for financially and I will not fight him. It's funny, but once I told him that, he stopped asking for alimony/retirement, and he actually told me I can have everything and he won't fight me.
"You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it" -Willie Nelson
"You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it" -Willie Nelson
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Hi, what an awful thing to happen so late in your lives. I sympathise as my mother was a nasty drunk and caused all sorts of damage within our family.
Divorce is hard and expensive, but I have a feeling it's coming whether you want it or not. She may pull the trigger, or you may just have a gut full. This can't be good for your health.
As much as you love her, your best chance for the future may be to go your own way. She thinks you're too weak or a push-over, so asserting yourself by your actions can't hurt.
I'm really concerned that she's making false accusations around you abusing her. This could cause real damage to your reputation among people you know. Would it be worth getting legal advice to force her to stop? Or even some sort of camera to record in case she accuses you to the cops again?
Divorce is hard and expensive, but I have a feeling it's coming whether you want it or not. She may pull the trigger, or you may just have a gut full. This can't be good for your health.
As much as you love her, your best chance for the future may be to go your own way. She thinks you're too weak or a push-over, so asserting yourself by your actions can't hurt.
I'm really concerned that she's making false accusations around you abusing her. This could cause real damage to your reputation among people you know. Would it be worth getting legal advice to force her to stop? Or even some sort of camera to record in case she accuses you to the cops again?
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Originally Posted by sotired77
Fast-forward 12 years into his addiction and I really don't care what it costs or what I lose. I'm willing to give him anything he asks for financially and I will not fight him.
As it turns out, I am getting half the money we will make from the sale of our house, but I think that's just because the attorney was wondering why he was getting everything, and while he doesn't seem to give a damn what I think of him, he still worries about what other people think. We still work together, even though I suppose it's technically not my business any longer, but I am looking for another job (we'll see how that goes; I'll be 56 in a little over two weeks), but I'm managing reasonably well now that we're not attached at the hip 24/7.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi, what an awful thing to happen so late in your lives. I sympathise as my mother was a nasty drunk and caused all sorts of damage within our family.
Divorce is hard and expensive, but I have a feeling it's coming whether you want it or not. She may pull the trigger, or you may just have a gut full. This can't be good for your health.
As much as you love her, your best chance for the future may be to go your own way. She thinks you're too weak or a push-over, so asserting yourself by your actions can't hurt.
I'm really concerned that she's making false accusations around you abusing her. This could cause real damage to your reputation among people you know. Would it be worth getting legal advice to force her to stop? Or even some sort of camera to record in case she accuses you to the cops again?
Divorce is hard and expensive, but I have a feeling it's coming whether you want it or not. She may pull the trigger, or you may just have a gut full. This can't be good for your health.
As much as you love her, your best chance for the future may be to go your own way. She thinks you're too weak or a push-over, so asserting yourself by your actions can't hurt.
I'm really concerned that she's making false accusations around you abusing her. This could cause real damage to your reputation among people you know. Would it be worth getting legal advice to force her to stop? Or even some sort of camera to record in case she accuses you to the cops again?
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