sauerkraut

A small point: in marriages over 10 years, yes, the ex-spouse get one-half the amount of the other spouse's SS, but that doesn't impact the other spouse's SS benefit.
https://www.ssa.gov/planners/retire/yourdivspouse.html

honeypig

Yes, what sauerkraut said. It's not like what the ex-spouse receives comes out of what you would normally receive; you still get the full amount that you have earned.

If the ex-spouse's benefits DID come out of the other spouse's benefits, my father would be in serious trouble--he's on wife #5 at this point! (However, two of them did pass away, so there would be only 3 to claim SS...!).

atalose

I personally feel the better position to be in is the offensive position then the defensive one. The longer she hangs with her cohort drinking divorced AA friends the more her head will fill with tactics to get the most financially out of the marriage as she can. Drama – high drama is on the horizon unless the both of you are working together hand in hand on the marriage doing all you both can to save it. But it would appear she is not working on the marriage as much as she is working on her drinking and partying and hanging with her friends.

As for the adult children thinking they have the solutions to your marriage with some jealousy counseling and an intervention, they have no idea of the depth of the real issues like the ongoing infidelity. Sounds like they are only hearing part of the full story.

mylifeismine

I'm sorry you are going through this and have been for many years.
It seems like you have spent much of your life in this marriage not
being valued, respected & loved. With recovery, we learn to value,
respect and love ourselves and accept no less from others. Keep
going to alanon - detaching- or ignoring the drinking- is only the
very first step on a road to your very own recovery to happiness and peace.

Your children could greatly benefit from alanon - many members
are there because of an alcoholic parent.

FallenAngelina

At first, it may seem like a drinker's dream - to be left alone to drink as much as s/he pleases - but AlAnon is a life changing program during which the drinker's loved one (we) develop a mighty back bone. We come to see that life is about so very much more than whether our beloved alcoholic drinks or not. We grow in our spiritual well being. We come to experience the deep fulfillment of community service. We develop a web of healthy friendships that encourage us to see better, know better, do better. We often outgrow our active alcoholic. Yes, at first it might seem like a drinker's dream to be left alone to drink, but "as the love and peace of the program grows inside us, one at at a time," the alcoholic eventually often finds that s/he is just alone - drinking.

I heartily encourage you to keep attending your meetings and broadening out to more of what the AlAnon program offers. Meetings are the start.

endofmyrope65

Thanks all for the support and advice. I'm taking it one day at a time.
I'm not too concerned about the financial aspect. If I stuck to the letter of the law she'd be screwed.
She, in the meantime, is camping out in our living room, disappearing to the gym before i get up, then to her AA meeting and out with her friends or to lunch/dinner by herself (i think). We virtually are not in each others lives.
This is a very recent thing.
Hopefully she is using this time to work on herself and her FOO problems.
Honestly I doubt it. She's enjoying her freedom from any responsibilities and I don't blame her... she's been very responsible for a long time.
I'm also enjoying our time apart... very relaxing except for the floating thoughts of the end of my marriage.
She is drinking every day and lying to everyone about it.
I think she is quite afraid of the marriage ending and doesn't think I'll file.
I have a few months still to watch and wait.

hopeful4

There is no rush. More will be revealed, in the mean time keep taking good care of you!

mylifeismine

Endof
In another post you spoke about recovery. Recovery is many different
things to each of us- we are all unique. To me recovery is a path to
me becoming my own person again, which was lost in the insanity of
active alcoholism. I had to grow (with the help of my HP, SR, alanon,
a counselor, and education about alcoholism the family disease) to find the wisdom, strength, compassion, love and courage in me so I could
respond to life in a way that was genuine for me. No longer placing
someone else's life and choices above my own, blaming others,etc.

That may mean for some a divorce, others a real and lasting change
in how they respond to the reality of their life, and others sadly,
no change but to keep blaming another for their unhappiness.

It takes time for the destruction of addiction to creep fully into
our lives, and it takes time to heal and change. The key is to
get unstuck and keep moving in the right direction.

Bethany57

endofmyrope: I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you ever asked your wife if she still loves you?

endofmyrope65

That's a great question. I know deep down she still does... to the ability that she can. Is she "in love" with me is a better question. I don't think so... I dont think she can ever be with anyone but herself and she loathes herself as well. NPD. It is very hard for her to say I love you... It's hard for her to give like that to me.

The longer she "stays away from me" the closer I am to saying "then stay away for good".

It angers me that she is doing this and it saddens me that my life is about to implode because she wont control herself.

Instead of turning to me, her support for 36 years, she turns to her friends who she lies to, and follows their advice. All broken women.

Its so sad... we were great together. Alcohol and her need for validation and attention are destroying what we had.

FeelingGreat

Alcohol addiction doesn't leave much room for anything that doesn't enable it. If she turned to you she'd face your concern about her drinking. Her girlfriends aren't judging her. That's not a reflection on you; they don't live with her.

I don't know her background but she may not have had much time for female friends in the past. Maybe she had to be responsible very early in life? It sounds like she's going through a second adolescence.

dandylion

I think that FeelingGreat makes a very good point.....alcoholics seem to gravitate to others who do not judge them.
When you think about it---don't we all? Don't we feel much more comfortable with those who accept us, just as we are?...…Birds of a feather, and, all that......

This seems to work out pretty well in friendships...with neighbors, co-workers, and general acquaintences….it seems to be the natural order of things....
Just like FeelingGreat said....the real rub comes when we are dealing with those in our most intimate, inner circle....like close family or romantic partners----that is when their behaviors can impinge on and hurt us---
When we have to make the decision to protect ourselves---I think that feels like judgement---and, maybe, it is.....(sigh)…..

Perhaps, the thing is...it is a judgement against the behaviors, but, not necessarily judging the value of the human being.....
I just don't think that an active alcoholic/addict is able, due to their denial, to understand this distinction...…

lol...I guess that I am stating the obvious....

FallenAngelina

I did not judge my XABF and always accepted his drinking. He couldn't have found a more accepting, loving and understanding GF than I. Yes, I was OK with his drinking and only ever asked him not to hide it in coffee cups, etc., but to be out and proud if he was going to do it in my home, which he did. He came to feel loved for himself, accepted, celebrated and definitely not judged. Still, he drinks all day every day.

I broke up with him for a few reasons, but one being that it became clear that all of the loving embraces and truly un-resentful tenderness in the world would not help turn him from the muddled world he had created with his alcoholism. Whether a person is hanging with people who resent his drinking or with people who embrace his drinking, his drinking is still his choice and the consequences follow, all the same.

I just mention it because it seems that many of us struggle with the question of whether to "allow" the drinking or whether to fight it. Everyone wants to be accepted and we probably do gravitate toward those who take us as we are - but I dunno how much acceptance influences another person's choice to drink or not. I just know that it made my own recovery road a lot more peaceful - for me.

endofmyrope65

I suppose it all comes down to my choice since she seems to have made hers. Do I stay in the relationship hoping things will improve and she will act as my wife and not a rebellious teenager? Or do I wait and see what happens over the next few months and if nothing changes or it gets worse, pull the plug? A decision will have to be made in the spring I suppose due to our lease renewal. I wish she could see clearly.

dandylion

FallenAngel….just a point of clarification.....
I was only reflection on the point that people feel more comfortable with people who do not judge their behaviors...…
I am not saying that accepting them will cause them to change their behaviors....


For example...all of the heavy, chronic drinkers, that I have known, love to hang out with other heavy drinkers...rather than tee-totalers. Believe me....hanging out with other drinkers, who did not judge them, did not cause them to want to change the behavior...lol...


lol...I don't even know why I am even talking about this...!? :
I have never met anyone who enjoys being judged....or, who gravitates to those who holds them in judgement....

trailmix

I think what you are saying makes a really good point.

When you are looking from the other side going but we have an X year marriage and X wonderful children and a nice set up and security and comfort and etc etc - it's seems like a mad choice (and maybe it is, hey i'm not judging haha).

I think it's good to take it back to those basics sometimes.

endofmyrope65

Update:
She has slept at her friend's house for two nights now. I confirmed its true. Yesterday she had lunch at an upscale bar in that neighborhood.. well I think a liquid lunch... went back to friend's house.

I get a call from eldest son who had received a call from wife's best friend (a major enabler) who was very concerned about her mental state.

Son went to her, calmed her down and got her shrinks phone number.
It completely freaked him out. She was screaming and carrying on (as I have dealt with so many times).

This time he saw it for himself and decided to take action. He will be calling the shrink to talk about her treatment. I am not allowed to speak with the shrink.

I have no idea what Wife's plans are or if she can even think straight anymore. She is spending her day with that best friend looking at apartments for the friend who is moving to our city in the near future.

Perhaps they are looking at moving in together? I don't know.

My head is clear and calm going about my day as normal.
I seem to be sitting in serenity at the moment.
As said above: all will be revealed.

Bethany57

endofrope....I am glad your head is clear and you are thinking straight. It seems she is really in self destruct mode and has shut you out. You cannot talk to her Dr.? Do you celebrate Christmas? I would see if she spends that day with you and then go from there. Do you think she will listen to son if he tells her to stop and get help?

endofmyrope65

I cannot talk to her Psychiatrist. How crazy is that? If she had cancer or a heart condition I think i'd be talking to all the doctors!!!!!

Yes we celebrate Christmas. The kids (all grown) come over Xmas eve. Its a tradition for us and I think she will keep it. It will be very weird if things dont improve soon.

She has always listened to our eldest. He is an amazing human being. One of a kind... always has been. I know he is her favorite. This is the first time he has seen the insanity up close and personal and it scared him. Waiting to hear about his conversation with the shrink.
I certainly expect him to tell the doc that I am quite stable and not an abuser. That wife has emotional issues drenched in alcohol.

We shall see... In the meantime, she is back home on the couch. I am in bedroom with door closed. Certainly not the marriage I want.

FeelingGreat

Sounds a lot like she's made up her mind about leaving. Apartment hunting, staying away, sleeping on the couch. You're not a naive person, so I'm sure you're preparing yourself.
Do you have joint bank accounts or credit cards? I'm not saying do anything morally wrong or illegal, but also protect yourself and the money needed to service your debts or lease.